To ask why people announce baby names before it’s born?

[LLBandTTC]

I don’t remember the last person that I know who had a baby and didn’t announce the name before it was even born, I don’t understand why you would? What if baby is born and they don’t suit it, etc? Just interested to know if anyone here has announced their babies name before birth and if so, why? (Not a dig, just curious)

MarchDaffs - it's not about 'stigma' as nothing shameful in having a miscarriage, of course there isn't. It's just about keeping your private life private, not wanting pity or sympathy or to be the object of people talking even in a non-gossipy way - e.g. maybe you're out and see someone you know and they're with someone you don't know and after you leave the person you know in conversation says "that's x, she's had two miscarriages, poor thing". I'd personally hate that.

In a different setting with friends or new mums you meet and the topic gets on to pregnancy, TTC etc it might be something you'd share. I just don't think it's information - for me, up to others of course - that I'd want widely known. To me, it's private and something I would choose to share on a case by case basis, not something that is known about me across the board. There is a risk in announcing a pregnancy too early, especially on social media, that you do miscarry and then have to tell people you're no longer pregnant over the next few months, unless you announce that too on social media. I wouldn't want to be doing that.

What if baby is born and they don’t suit it

how do you establish a name for for a squishy, wrinkly newborn. They change so much so quickly. By that logic, you would have to wait a couple of years to pick a truly suitable name. And what makes a name suitable anyways??

Why do people use the word 'announce' instead of 'tell', do they think they're important!

If you prefer not to announce because of the risk of then having to tell people you've miscarried that's your choice annelouise, but there's no reason why others would concur. Neither of you are wrong, though I do note with interest that one sees women who feel as you do make your argument much more often than one sees women who don't see it as a private matter saying they wouldn't want to do it your way.

And of course stigma is relevant: the fact is that the cultural climate surrounding discussion of these types of issues and the view about whether they should be in the public sphere has changed.

crispy: "I will never ever understand how it’s any less of a surprise to find out the sex at 20 weeks as at birth. It’s literally the exact same information and you are finding it out at a different time. It’s a surprise whenever you find it out!"

I suppose for me, not sure about others, that until the baby is here it's all a bit abstract, especially when it is concerning people you don't know that well such as work colleagues. You don't feel that interested or invested, at least I didn't. I think when the baby is born that seeing a photo of the baby and then finding out the name then is a bit more of a concentrated piece of good news. And it is lovely to hear people's good news.

It's nothing to do with expecting a 'surprise' or feeling entitled to a 'surprise', no one really cares that much. You wish people well but I don't care that much about other people's pregnancies to be itching to hear the bits and pieces of the details over 8-9 months. Great when they come in and say we had a boy last night, called Gerry, bit of a nightmare labour but he was 9lbs 2oz, best thing is everyone fine.

DC1 didn't know sex
DC2: knew sex, had name, told people if they asked but didn't refer to baby by that name / buy anything personalised
DC3: exactly same as above

I know someone who had a private NIPT test so has known sex from early on. They have named baby and refer to it by actual name all the time. I find it weird as the mother doesn't even have a bump yet.

It's just about keeping your private life private

I just never understood why grieving a miscarriage is seen as private in a way another grief isn't. When relatives have died I've talked about it because it is what is happening with me at the time. Same as when I had a miscarriage.

When I did tell people (individually, never on social media) so many of my friends shared their own stories. If I hadn't discussed it first I'd never have had that level of support and they found it cathartic to discuss too.

When a close friend miscarried a month after me she knew I had done so she felt able to call me to talk about it. If nobody talks about we all miss out on that

I suppose it's what you're used to. Not finding out the sex, not telling anyone any possible names, not really talking about it used to be the norm. The norm is probably the opposite now and depending on your age it might be hard to understand what it was like.

I think anyone now doing it the old-fashioned way is seen as odd. Cultural differences exist too. My in laws from another cultural were so surprised I didn't find out the sex. In my borough though you wouldn't have been told it even if you'd asked. I think there were private places you could go for a scan by maybe not as easily as now and they probably cost a lot more too. I did notice what the sex was on the scan but my husband didn't. He was dying to know but it was more usual for it not to be known in my family. We're all different.

I don't know anyone who's had a 'gender reveal' or announced the name prior to the birth (except perhaps to some close friends or family if they've asked).

MarchDaffs - I say more than once that's my personal preference and others can do what they want.

All this 'announcing' us such self indulgent nonsense. What is wrong with just telling people what you've had and what you've called the baby?
Yes I'm old and irritable

Thinking a baby might not suit a name is weirder than using the baby's name before it's born.

No adult looks like the newborn they were.

Having a "gender reveal" party is weirder than either though, as is "announcing" the sex on social media rather than just telling people if they ask.

No reason to keep it all secret though unless the sonograher didn't get a clear view on the scan and you're relying on a guess!

Why anyone needs "the element of surprise" around having a baby is also not something I "get". Children bring loads of surprises and the first one changes life forever in ways nobody expects until they go through it, but you don't have a baby as a surprise for your friends and family, surely! Of all the reasons to decide to bring a child into the world that's the daftest ever!

All this 'announcing' us such self indulgent nonsense. What is wrong with just telling people what you've had and what you've called the baby?
Yes I'm old and irritable

Totally agree! But I also did my wait till birth if it came up in conversation. If someone asked why I wasnt drinking I told them, if someone asked if we had a name I told them. The secrecy and lying about it is all very attention seeking in another way usually.

I went to a bbq where they had covered the nursery windows with newspaper so we wouldnt see the colours. With the greatest respect, my interest in the gender of your baby is minimal. And I don't get why they surprise mummy wants everyone to be like her or the OP. It's interesting to you but actually, to the rest of us its a nice story and the need to buy a gift. I simply cannot imagine caring whether people choose to name their child/puppy/kitten before, during or after the birth but I am the sister of a 34 year old boy called Pig by the family because that was the nickname he had in the womb

If you care this much its time to get a job

We found out DS gender and told people if they asked but didn’t tell anyone his name. We kept that to ourselves. We came up with a silly nickname so we didn’t end up using his name in front of people.
Both my DSIS found out the sex, had gender reveals and baby name reveals I think it takes something away when everyone knows the baby’s name but that’s just my opinion

Dappled: "I just never understood why grieving a miscarriage is seen as private in a way another grief isn't." I don't know. Just personally I wouldn't want it to be widely known, I don't know why. I would share it with certain people, even strangers if it came up in conversation, especially years later if it had become easier, but I would want it to be my choice who knew. I wouldn't want people knowing and me not know they know that about me.

I often say to friends if we're talking about something and I don't want them to talk about it to others - and it might be something completely innocuous I'm telling them - don't tell anyone that or don't pass it on. I suppose I must be quite a private person, some could see it as controlling even, I don't know.

I've also lived in an area for years and everyone seems to know everyone's business so random people you slightly know, friends of your parents perhaps even, will bump into you in the street and you'll get the gossip about people you've heard of or know by name or went to school with but don't remember them well and you'll hear stuff like so and so has got divorced, X is having an affair with X's husband from the golf club etc. I suppose I just never wanted to have anything that widely known about me for others to talk about, unless I chose to tell that person and felt I could trust them not to randomly talk about it with others. Nothing to do with stigma of talking about it, just privacy. I could be extreme though

We almost lost our boy at 21 weeks after my waters broke. After that we decided to call him by his name as he is our son and a person after all! If the worst did happen we wanted him to have an identity, not just another baby

Similar here. Bad news at both 20 week scans. Preparing for the birth of a baby likely to have significant disability was much easier when we could talk about them by name and acknowledge them as individuals, not 'the baby'.

It didn't take away from the excitement at all. With DD the main excitement was that she was alive.

And why is this such a big deal OP? My baby, my decision. I am 25 weeks pregnant at the mo and there are so many questions and opinions flying from all sides:

• are you going to find out the gender?
• have you thought of names yet?

And of course whatever the answer is, it's the wrong one because people have opinions. But when I ask: are you going to be there at 2am when the baby is screaming on the top of its lungs? No! Are you going to come and warm up my 6 times cooled down coffee? No! So why should peoples opinions matter so much?

Also, even if you find out it's a boy/girl, it's STILL a surprise when you give birth. You don't know how this boy/girl looks. Eye colour, hair colour, face features...... That's all a surprise that you get to see at birth regardless if you already know the gender.

Expectant parents have already enough to think about (mentally, physically and monetarily). Can we please stop bothering them with the same old questions and opinions and just let them do what they want as it's THEIR baby? Thank you.

I went to a bbq where they had covered the nursery windows with newspaper so we wouldnt see the colours

That's ridiculous. As if anyone cares that much about the sex of any baby.

But then we painted the nursery blue and didn't know the sex so maybe they might have thought we were lying about not knowing!

I always knew if I had a girl I would use that name. My husband liked it and we went with it. I wasnt bothered if anyone else wanted it as well.

We didn’t because I can’t stand having people’s unwarranted opinions. I made the mistake of telling my Mother a name I was planning for my first child and she totally ruined it for me so I never told a soul with my subsequent DC.

I'm really sad but I get excited when people give birth because I'm always interested in what name they'll chose.. ruins the suspense when they announce it before!😂 I have my baby boys name chosen and I'm 99.9% sure it won't be changed but I've only told close family/a couple of friends! I think it's nice to keep it to ourselves for now

I didn't choose a final name before having the baby as one of my friends had announced what they were going to call their son, then when he was born she changed her mind but everyone was so set on her using the name she had said she just stuck with it and has hated it ever since (I mean she definitely needed to just grow a pair!! )

We did the first time because FIL was terminally ill and died before she was born, so the name and a scan picture was all he had.
We did the second time because the baby was unlikely to survive and it helped me to use his name.
It’s almost as if people make decisions primarily for themselves without considering the opinions of others. Personally I prefer this to an obsession about what the neighbours etc. will think.