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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS he will need to leave

337 replies

Vaki · 11/02/2020 17:49

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

OP posts:
MotorwayDiva · 11/02/2020 19:53

I have to say Yabu, sorry but this was me a life time ago. Ambition didn't kick in till 21/22. I also spent time til the in dead end jobs figuring out what I wanted. Went on to do partime degree and now have a masters in my field. Give him more time

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/02/2020 19:53

Does the supermarket have a management path which he can get on?

Have you sat down with him and found out what he actually might want to do long term.

My issue would be jobs aren’t forever and whilst he is young and and happy where he is it isn’t going to last and maybe he should be looking long term at where he wants to go if the worse happens and he is made redundant.

Working f/t in a supermarket shows he is trustworthy, he can arrive at work on time and he can apply himself. All great things that he can use on a CV

I don’t see what pushing him out is going to do apart from make him cling to the job he has and quash any thought of being able to do anything else for fear of not being able to pay the rent and him ending up on the streets

I used a lot of online careers tests with Ds to see which type of work he really thought might be an option

Even having an idea of whether he wanted to work indoors or outdoors

(I even did his natal chart and looked at the houses that related to career and work)

Maybe he does find supermarket work to be his thing or he thinks something else might be interesting.
Either way maybe evening classes or some sort of study on the side (might just be reading up on a different career and getting the qualifications he needs to have) will be useful for when it becomes time to move up the career ladder in retail or on to a completely different career

He is only young and it does seem harsh to push him out when for all intents and purposes he is holding down a job and is willing to put the hours in.

He needs help from you not punishment

butterpuffed · 11/02/2020 19:54

He's 18 ! Most boys his age live at home. You said he sometimes works 'insane hours and earns more, so presumably that's overtime. He's a hard worker , you should be pleased.

You can't live your dreams through him. Your plans to go to Uni didn't work out but it sounds like he never wanted to go or he would have applied himself more at school.

Don't worry, he's young , what people want at 18 often changes.

MrsKoala · 11/02/2020 19:54

I agree with getting used to the disposable income. Ex-Bil had about £1k left a month after board on himself and I remember saying to pils no one I know has that amount of free cash to spend a month. But he had got used to it and felt he couldn't live on less! Even when I was on £40k I never had that kind of money! Living at home gives a false reality.

NotALurker2 · 11/02/2020 19:56

I think you could cause some permanent damage and resentment by kicking him out. If I were you, I'd let him stay until he starts to get bored. Then work with him to figure out some goals for himself.

EC22 · 11/02/2020 19:57

You should be proud of him.
Your post reeks of snobbery.

ballsdeep · 11/02/2020 19:57

So what if they are doing amazing degrees? It doesn't guarantee a job or happiness and it sounds like your son has both.

Hmmmwhatsthat · 11/02/2020 20:00

Wow OP the milk of human kindness has well and truly dried up in you. Have you always compared him to his peers? Is he aware you do that? I suspect he is very aware actually. He's only 19 fgs. Cut him some slack.

ProperVexed · 11/02/2020 20:00

OP, I had a double take moment when I read this....thinking I might have written it in my sleep. My DS is 19 and after coasting and getting mediocre results at school and college, has stayed in his part time retail job. He isn't particularly happy there, only part time and always poor. This hasn't motivated him to look for anything else...he just plays xbox in his copious amounts of spare time. So your DS sounds better than mine!
Like you I am desperate to get him moving in the right direction. However this thread has provided me with much information and examples of motivation slightly later in life. My DS is immature....so I'm hoping he will grow up one day and see the light.

LittlePaintBox · 11/02/2020 20:00

Is is not possible for you to encourage him to move up the ranks in his workplace, by going on training courses, applying for promotions and so on? Retail is a perfectly respectable career, and establishing himself as a good, reliable worker and gaining a knowledge of how it all works will be great for his CV. If at some point he gets bored working in the same shop, it's very likely he'll have to move around a bit to get promotions.

SixesandEights · 11/02/2020 20:01

@Vaki

I'd take a step back from trying to guide him, it may be having the opposite affect to what you intend! Leave him be at his supermarket job. As he's coming up to nineteen, have a conversation about increasing his rent when he hits nineteen. Show him the household finances so he's aware of how much everything costs and tell him that he needs to make a more equal contribution. If he has up to £1250 each month to do with what he wants, he's not going to understand why he needs to get a better job. I think making living at home more like the real world of renting and paying his own way might focus his mind a bit more.

FLOrenze · 11/02/2020 20:02

My son worked in a supermarket for a bout 4 years. He matured quite late but then decided at 22 he was ready to do something with his life. He joined the NHS and 10 years later he manages a team of paramedics. I know you are trying to do your best for him but I would leave him for a bit longer. One thing I did insist on while my son lived at home, that he saved money every month. Joining the NHS meant leaving home and he had a nice cushion behind him for rent,

Nicecupofcoco · 11/02/2020 20:02

Op you are being massively unreasonable! Your son is 19, still a teen. He helps around the house, pays his way and is setting aside money for things he needs.
Good lord, there's nothing wrong with working in a shop if he's happy. Not every one wants to be some high flying lawyer or equivalent. Working six days a week, he sounds very hard working, more so than many others out there I bet, I'd be very proud!
I've got to agree with others, in the nicest possible way you sound very snobby!

Likefootball · 11/02/2020 20:06

He's working and paying his way,he doesn't have to measure his self against anybody.
What difference does it make what a man does for a liviing so long as it is honest.

FrockFrockFrockityFrock · 11/02/2020 20:06

He could go get a degree and never use it, what would be the point then?

BonnesVacances · 11/02/2020 20:09

Could he have a look at apprenticeship degrees and see if there's anything he fancies? Quite a few companies offer them in business management so fairly general and with transferable skills, once he has a better idea where he wants to be. Plus you earn around £20k a year.

YappityYapYap · 11/02/2020 20:09

My DH's cousin left school at 18 and went to work in a supermarket with no degree or anything, just standard highers (A levels in England). He is now the chief operating officer (COO) for a different supermarket chain and earns in excess of £200k a year at 40 years old and gets to travel the world with his job

Solina · 11/02/2020 20:10

People seem to stay at home for much longer now. I left just after turning 19, parents wanted to downsize. I then moved to the UK at the age of 20 on my own. I was definitely an adult and not immature.

I personally do not see anything wrong with giving the nudge. But I guess it depends how independent you have raised your son to be.

LuluJakey1 · 11/02/2020 20:10

If he did A levels, he only left school in September- is that right? Seems a bit harsh to be pressuring him so quickly. He probably doesn't know what he wants.

OrangeLindt · 11/02/2020 20:11

Sorry OP but your overstepping the mark here, your DS is working, paying his way, yet your looking down on him because he works in a supermarket?

Notthebloodygym · 11/02/2020 20:13

This thread is sad.

ADJ1151 · 11/02/2020 20:15

He doesn’t sound too bad. You say he helps out, most 19 year olds don’t. He has a job, might not be the best job but still a job. I know so many work shy 19 year olds. I just think 19 is still so young. He’s probably still figuring out what he wants to do.. he pays you rent also? So what’s the problem?

Sometimes some of the most successful people aren’t those who have degrees. For example myself and my partner did pretty average at school, went to college but neither went to uni. We’ve never had top jobs. OH had worked since he was 13 but it’s always been supermarkets, cafes, factory work etc. He has had small promotions to manager level but never been Hugh a earner. We are pretty average but we’ve worked hard, saved and we own our home and pretty settled.l and comfortable.

OH’s sister is extremely intelligent has been to uni twice, never really held down a job for longer than a few months, cannot find a job related to the degrees she’s done, riddled in student debt and other debts. Bed hopping between friends, spending all her money on alcohol and holidays (she’s 30 btw). So going to uni hasn’t really benefited her.

He’s still got plenty of time to find himself! He has his whole life ahead of him!

magicmallow · 11/02/2020 20:17

you could charge him "rent" and put it away in savings that could potentially one day help him out buying a flat or something (and not tell him this) if he gets his act together.

TheWordmeister · 11/02/2020 20:20

Yes, absolutely, throw out your young son because he hasn't worked out what he wants to do.

OR you could try support, encouragement and good parenting.

AlicjaCross · 11/02/2020 20:27

YANBU

He can't just coast in a dead end job forever. He needs a kick up the arse and plan for the future. Ignore the parents of snowflakes replying here who'd wipe their kids arse until they are 40.