Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS he will need to leave

337 replies

Vaki · 11/02/2020 17:49

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

OP posts:
Doggyperson · 11/02/2020 19:31

Encourage him to go and work at Aldi, their managers are on massive wages.

I'd leave him be for now, he's 19! He sounds like a good lad.

If you kick him out for working hard and helping around the house but not getting a degree like his mates then YABVVVU and he'll probabaly hate you. I would.

Are you trying to keep up with the Jones's?

Justmuddlingalong · 11/02/2020 19:32

You and my mother appear to have the same attitude. Constant comparison to others, making her kids feel like failures, hand wringing with worry about what others thought and putting money above happiness. We're NC.

Twillow · 11/02/2020 19:32

He has a strong work ethic and contributes at home. YABU
I'd continue having the supportive discussions, but please don't make him feel he has not achieved anything IN YOUR EYES and COMPARED TO HIS FRIENDS.
He will find his way when he's ready.

Yogawoogie · 11/02/2020 19:33

He sounds fabulous!
Give him a break, he’s trying! He’s only 19!
What do you want him to do career wise? What would make him good enough for you?

Flufferbum · 11/02/2020 19:33

OP I’m not normally this scathing, but you really do not sound like a supportive mother, more of a pushy judgmental one and life’s too short for that shit. If my mother felt as you do, and did as you propose to do it would have broke my heart that at 19 she was ready to throw me out simply because I didn’t meet her expectations. Mothers don’t do this shit. God forbid if he had mental health/health problems!

BigChocFrenzy · 11/02/2020 19:34

YABVU

He is a decent hard-working lad, paying his own way, doing chores, well-behaved
He's not a freeloader, or a problem case - unless you make him one.

Stop pushing him
Not everyone is cut out for a career or can cope with the pressure
Not everyone can be , or wants to be, a home-owner
This is his life, not yours

YWBVU to raise his rent above your extra costs, to force him into uni or whatever
That's controlling
Anyway, it's a bad idea to go to uni - and a quire a large debt, without purpose

Just let him be
and after a few years without you nagging him, he might get bored and decide to go for promotion, do something else.
Or he might be happy as he is
Being content with life is a good result.

LovePoppy · 11/02/2020 19:34

For those saying let him stay home, At what age would it be appropriate to you to force him to move out? Surely he can’t expect to live at home forever

GOODCAT · 11/02/2020 19:36

I was like him. My mum told me not to settle for this which was really helpful, although it took me a long time to get there.

I did eventually choose to pursue a career and get well paid. It was partly lack of confidence and partly not having a clue what to do. As I had no idea I found it easier to just pick something that had a clear path in.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/02/2020 19:37

I've made him scared of failiure, because I've probably pushed him too much throughout life to achieve and do amazing at everything he tries but that was the way i was brought up. I'm not sure telling him to "improve himself" or move out is the answer

TheTruthAboutLove · 11/02/2020 19:38

@LovePoppy

I think that time would come naturally. He’s 18, doesn’t have a clue what he wants to do in life but he’s happy now. He’ll move out when he’s ready to or met someone he wants to move in with. There’s no time limit on things.

I genuinely expected this thread to be about stealing or drugs or some other unsavoury behaviour, not that he is in a role his Mum looks down on!

corythatwas · 11/02/2020 19:38

For those saying let him stay home, At what age would it be appropriate to you to force him to move out? Surely he can’t expect to live at home forever

Having one child in HE and one at home working in a low-paid job, I honestly don't see why I should give the latter less time to establish himself in a career than the former. Not forever, but a few years to either work his way up to a better-paid job in his current place or find an apprenticeship and better himself that way.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/02/2020 19:38

He won't expect to live at home forever. I think at 19 he's got a few years to go. Unless his mortified mother kicks his arse out and takes in one of his high achieving friends instead.

WhatNowFrantic · 11/02/2020 19:39

YABVU
I've got a thread going at the moment.
My DS, not much older than yours, worked extremely hard for 5 years and got a brilliant job bringing in a very good wage.
A few months back the police bought him home one night after he attempted suicide.
Today he resigned from the really well paid job as it was seriously affecting his mental health. He hasn't got another job to go to....
if he chooses to work in a supermarket for the rest of his life I couldn't be happier.
His health and happiness is all that matters to me right now.
Careful what you wish for OP

BigChocFrenzy · 11/02/2020 19:39

A parent wanting their own space back is very different to a parent using this to force their adult offspring into an unwanted career

The OP shouldn't be saying "go to uni or I'll kick you out"

I'd say he needs to go at a certain age, to be mutually agreed, regardless of whether he is on a 6-year course to be a doctor, or still at the supermarket

MrsKoala · 11/02/2020 19:39

Is he saving for anything or just spending his money and thinking he will go on like this? The problem with this kind of set up is the adult child may feel they never really want to move out - why would they? Cheap rent lots of disposable income etc. Some seem quite shocked their parents actually want them to leave.

Ex-Bil was like this. Worked in a cinema and paid a small rent but bought football season tickets, holidays, going out etc. It really never occurred to him he'd have to leave at some point and that his parents weren't happy to have him live there forever.

I know there is a thing on MN where people say this is my dc home forever, but I don't agree. I think young adults need to leave and set up their own lives. It's infantilising living with your parents unless there's a specific 'saving for a house' 'year travelling the world' type reason.

I love my kids but I don't want them thinking they can live here forever.

BigChocFrenzy · 11/02/2020 19:41

Listen to whatnow

Lazypuppy · 11/02/2020 19:42

If he is earning that amount of money he doesn't need to be at home. He can afford his own place and learn value of money. You don't want him getting used to having that much cash each month

OP i get what you are saying,supermarket isn't a problem, problem is he doesn't qant to progress.

Rayn · 11/02/2020 19:44

My 19 year old is the same. He got A levels and has ended up working in a fast food place full time. The up side is he had been promoted to supervisor. However I feel it is a waste as he is so clever

I am trying to focus on the positives. He has good work ethic, learning skills etc he is unsure what he wants to do and appears to have no motivation.
However when I had a chat he said this is the only time in his life where he does not want to be bogged down with responsibilities. Suppose it makes sense before they get on the treadmill called life.

Your son could progress and become successful in retail. Who knows!

speakout · 11/02/2020 19:45

I would love to be in your position OP.

blue25 · 11/02/2020 19:46

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Some personalities will just stick with the familiar because it’s easy. He may need a nudge in the right direction to make the most of his potential.

Where will his drive and ambition to achieve and earn money come from if he has cheap rent & bills and doesn’t need to earn more money?

speakout · 11/02/2020 19:47

WhatNowFrantic

You have my sympathies.

I have a 22 yo son with such severe depression he is unable to work.

Having him work just one day a week in a supermarket would be my dream.

Jux · 11/02/2020 19:47

GoodDogBellaBoo that is how it is viewed at present. I'm sure that's what he thinks of it - messed up exams, could have done better. That's why I say that his mum should just take the position that of course he'll do better and not buy into the idea that the supermarket is it.

user1497997754 · 11/02/2020 19:48

My friends son started working at Aldi on the shop floor has worked himself up and earns 60k a year x

blue25 · 11/02/2020 19:49

We can’t all be afraid to push and encourage our children in case they become suicidal though. Unless there are existing MH concerns, that isn’t going to be helpful for them.

shiningstar2 · 11/02/2020 19:50

If you send him out into the big wide world to totally pay his way you are essentially leaving him to sink or swim. I wouldn't want that for any son or daughter of mine at 19. Too much room for disaster to happen.

He is working. He is paying his way and he helps around the house. That is a lot more than many 19 year olds do. If he did A levels then he isn't long out of school. The type of place he could realistically rent at 19 on a supermarket wage wouldn't be great and with other bills would mean he wouldn't be able to save up for anything better.

I would take a more structured approach ...not if you haven't got your act together by September you're out. I would be discussing, in a positive manner what university courses he could apply for. Tell him he would have your help and support. If it would be too expensive to live away tell him he can stay at home while studying. He may be realizing that working for the great British public on minimum wage isn't a whole load of fun but, because he is now paying board doesn't know how to approach the cost of going to university with you.

Our daughter dropped out of uni living away from home first time around. She came home and did shop work, vowing that she didn't want the pressure of university. A couple of years at home on minimum wage convinced her otherwise. She asked if we would support her if she gave it another go. We said yes, providing she could find a uni which would accept her near enough for her to live at home. We were clear that we weren't paying rent to facilitate a great social life away from home while she partied and did no work.

She did get on a course where she could live at home. She worked in the shop she'd been full time in part time. She paid no board and the shop part time wage paid her bus fares, clothes, entertainment ext. Worked for us. Have a chad with him. See if together you can come up with a plan for September. Please don't ask him to leave and hope for the best regarding whether he sinks or swims.

It's hard. We all want what's best for them and when they see their friends steaming ahead they think they've missed the boat. He hasn't. He has no dependants or real responsibilities. He may well do better at uni now than he would have at 18. Good luck op Flowers