To think this may go against you in an interview ?

[inthemoment1990]

Name changed on this as didn’t want to link to other posts .

So say you were interviewing someone for a job , you very vaguely knew that person you were interviewing from a previous role a while back , and prior to the interview you were briefing that person on the some of the job responsibilities.

What would you think if the interviewee was very eager to get a job and a comment they made prior to proper questions was:

“You are looking very lovely and radiant by the way’

Hm... not read the full thread but if I were the interviewer it would immediately raise flags for me as it seems pretty inappropriate and maybe even slimy / as though they're sucking up to the person. That might also make me wonder whether they feel the need to do so because they're not confident about their own ability to do the job?

Yeah I'd think that was quite a creepy thing to say at interview. Like the person didn't really understand professional situations. Why does he think we have so much weather in this country if not to make small talk!?! We've got a very useful storm raging at the moment which provides plenty of suitable opps for small talk.

However I don't quite get the more general comment from other posters that you never comment on appearances at work. I'm a CEO and I frequently do. I will compliment women on their new hair style or clothes - a particularly flattering colour of top day - as I would to a friend. I am less likely to comment on a man's appearance but if they come back from holiday with a nice tan I might comment on that or if they looked particularly smart one day in a new suit. Much less likely but still possible.

I can't believe that if someone you worked with closely came into work looking really good you wouldn't comment? And I don't mind if colleagues including men comment on my appearance - like a haircut or new dress - again that's much less likely but I don't think I've ever heard an inappropriate comment from a male colleague. (I work in right on environments.... so most people know how to behave appropriately).

Except your husband OP! That would definitely be something we'd raise an eyebrow about afterwards if I were interviewing him.

Inappropriate and shows a lack of social skills. When you say he is confident socially, to be frank, given this comment, it sounds like he is one of those over confident types who actually does not now how to adapt to different situations.

Perhaps if he goes to the interview imaging he is being interviewed by a man he might be able to focus more. Afterall would he say 'oh you look radiant today, love the suit' to a man!

Boule I think it's different if they're already colleagues. Many of my colleagues hover around the border line of colleague/friend. People you see several days a week most weeks for an extended period of time are very different from an interview situation with someone you don't really know.

He sounds like a knob.

I agree with the pp who said you don't make any sort of personal comment in an interview siutation but it's fine to say to a colleague that their new haircut or blouse looks nice (or if you work in a more formal office I can't imagine anyone would think it was "off" to say your male colleague's tie was nice!) And you say the thing is nice, not the person. Saying a top is lovely is fine. Saying a person looks radiant is not fine.

But in an interview? Definitely not.

IMO making personal comments to someone who is higher or lower that you in the work hierarchy is fraught with danger. It’s too easy for it to come across as creepy or patronising.

Much safer with peers, especially those you know well and who are the same sex.

And comments on clothes and accessories much safer than those on a persons hairstyle or body.

Because we live in a patriarchal and racist society, we need to be careful when we make personal comments. So because women are valued more for what they look like than what they do, men at work need to be very careful that they do not perpetuate that. Which is why the “ very lovely and radiant “ comment is so off.

Also because it’s saying to the interviewer

“ I know you think you are in a position of power over me, but can I just remind you that all that matters is how you look and that you are pleasing to the male gaze. I am giving you my approval, I hope you are suitably grateful. “.

A white CEO needs to not say to their black subordinate “ Oh I like what you’ve done with your hair , that’s unusual “ as it can imply that black hair styling is different and abnormal to the usual ( white ) styles.

Even though it might be fine from another black person who is a peer and a friend.

A CEO needs to focus on staffs ability to do their job and maximising their effectiveness and job satisfaction. Their hairstyle is unlikely to be relevant. It will also piss off your staff “ So she’s got time to comment in my hair but she hadn’t got time to approve my application for that training course/ pay rise “ etc.

These examples are very different from a woman saying to her female colleague who she knows well “ oh I love your red handbag , I’ve been looking for one for ages, where did you get it ? “.

Context and the power balance are everything.

I haven’t read the full thread but have we really reached a point where someone of the opposite sex can’t say you look lovely?

Well as per pp Context and the power balance are everything. My DP can tell me I look lovely. Long-standing male friends can say so. My female friends can say so. A colleague of long standing who I trust could probably say it. If I were interviewing a man and he said it to me I would read it one of two ways - best case he's nervous, blathering, and doesn't realise it's inappropriate. Worst place he's deliberately telling me that it is my appearance that counts, not what I am doing. It is a subtle power play.

So if the former, it would depend on the role I was interviewing for how much it mattered. If the latter, it would pretty much be the death knell for the interview. I won't work with men who think it's beneath them to take instructions from women. I won't put female colleagues in a situation where they have to deal with that shit.

doubleexposure I think we are nearly all agreed the comments at an interview are completely out of place. Creepy, cringey, sexist, trying to ingratiate, or unaware of the expectations of professional intercourse - all seem fair comments. Out of place and off putting and a bit weird.

But as a CEO I disagree that a CEO who has time to be a human being is not focused on doing their job properly. Clearly being phoney and touring the building to compliment all my staff on a daily basis would be counter productive and inauthentic.

But current leadership philosophy is that being a human being at work so long as its authentic to who you are is a positive rather than a negative attribute. Staff respect someone who is able to be themselves at work, being friendly and supportive personally whilst being focused on inspiring staff with longer term vision and understanding their contribution towards it. Making tough decisions when needed but with humanity. There is a lot of published writing and research on this. Take Greg Dyke who when he resigned as Director General of the BBC over the Hutton Inquiry was greeted by all his staff standing to applaud him as he left ( an exceptional moment if you know about the tribal politics and cynicism in that large institution - it's hard to get a bunch of hardened cynics in the news room to raise a cheer!). He was known for knowing everyone's name from the tea lady and security guy to the secretaries and Exec Directors - a much admired and respected leader in his organisation (a rare feat at the BBC). Though of course there are still practitioners of the command control model of leadership it is very outmoded and discredited now - the person too busy to make a nice comment to a colleague isn't someone who can command respect and loyalty of their staff when the going gets tough. And if staff think someone being friendly should be signing their training request form instead they don't really have much idea about what being a strategic leader entails.

And by the by, I recall many years ago my organisation having a royal visit and one of the black receptionists had had the most incredible weave done for the event and she had a very jolly exchange with Prince Charles on the day. She
was delighted to receive compliments on her hair - it looked incredible, and as she said, she'd spent all day at the hairdressers to get it. I don't agree I'm afraid that it's racist to give a compliment in such circumstances and nor would she or other black colleagues. Of course sensitivity and treating people with respect and equality should be a given but cutting out the human and personal isn't an indicator of that, so long as it's authentic and respectful. God life would be dull if we were all robots at work. We do have to think about dynamics of power and inequality but most of us have the sophistication to gauge time and place and appropriateness. And still be a decent human being.

Another example I'd give is when I was in a cafe discussing issues to do with ethics and discrimination with a bunch of senior charity execs from similar organisations. I saw a woman slip and spill scalding tea down her front and ran to help her. I ended up patting her chest with cold water towels in the loos till the paramedics came. Because living your ethics is just as important as discussing them. I was shocked no one else went to help her! My staff round have noticed that and could always sniff out those who didn't live up to their espoused values.

He had the interview yesterday and today that have called him to offer him the job and said they loved him! Wow.

Oh god sounds like some people are gonna get yet another creepy manager!

Blimey. Well I'd still tell him to keep his lovely and radiant to himself.

I wouldn’t like it. I agree that it’s a power play thing. Men who say stuff like that to women are expecting them to blush/giggle and say thank you.

wel done to him but tell him to reign in the comments maybe

Well there you go sometimes it pays to be a cheesy fucker.

They told him they loved him? Well, well.

He had the interview yesterday and today that have called him to offer him the job and said they loved him! Wow.

That means either the workplace is shit, they have no boundaries either, or she wants to fuck him.

Tell him not to say shit like that to subordinates at least.

Yep. I'd go with what both MrsT and Lola said. Was it the lovely and radiant lady who rang by any chance?

Yuck. I hope he doesn't work with any young (or indeed old) women.

does not sound like somewhere I'd want to work if they think that comment is acceptable.

You need to speak to him about his lack of respect for women, and that includes you, if he's saying this to someone who is not you. Also have some respect for yourself OP, you should be furious.

Aam saying it to a woman who makes all the difference. I'd say woman to woman is a bit inappropriate but we all get nervous so is totally forgivable. But it's just creepy sorry.

It's always rude to comment on someone's appearance regardless of circumstances unless they've specifically asked for your opinion, but particularly so in a professional environment. You're husband would do well to learn that. My child knows this ffs. Oh and in the context its seriously sexist. I'm stunned he got the job.

Compliments (or any comments) about an interviewer's personal appearance should be completely off the agenda in a professional/interview setting.

Yes, I’m stunned he got the job as well. Struggle to swallow the update, tbh. He wasn’t only given the role but they LOVED him...

I interview others extensively. At the moment, it’s usually 8 candidates a day for the past couple of months. In a formal office environment. I would hate it if one of the guys I met said that I looked “very lovely and radiant”.

It’s just a cringe statement and really uncomfortable. I’d be concerned about their judgement. It would be a black mark against the candidate, unless they were absolutely stellar on all technical areas and it had seemed like a nervous statement, versus someone trying to be charming/sleazy!

He had the interview yesterday and today that have called him to offer him the job and said they loved him! Wow.

Ugh - not sure what is worse- the candidate comment or the enthusiastic job offer