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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this may go against you in an interview ?

170 replies

inthemoment1990 · 10/02/2020 20:00

Name changed on this as didn’t want to link to other posts .

So say you were interviewing someone for a job , you very vaguely knew that person you were interviewing from a previous role a while back , and prior to the interview you were briefing that person on the some of the job responsibilities.

What would you think if the interviewee was very eager to get a job and a comment they made prior to proper questions was:

“You are looking very lovely and radiant by the way’

OP posts:
returnofthecat · 10/02/2020 21:18

I would feel uncomfortable and possibly insulted.

I've read and re-read your post, and I think it comes back to the simple fact that "lovely" and "radiant" are not appropriate adjectives to use to describe the person interviewing you. If you know the interviewer from a past life, you could possibly get away with a "you're looking well", but I think that would still come across badly in many cases. Partially it's all about the tone and existing relationship, but also the connotations of "well" with "fat". Safest to stick with a polite "how are you?" rather than commenting on the other person's appearance in any way!

"Lovely" feels too personal and too linked to attractiveness, which is why it's inappropriate. Although how healthy someone looks is also subjective and personal, health (and I do mean health, not weight) is not as closely linked to attractiveness. That's why "well" can sometimes be OK, but "lovely" just is a step too far.

"Radiant" is a strange choice of adjective to describe a person - like some other previous posters, I would assume a synonym for "pregnant" and that could be quite insulting.

TBH, I think if a male candidate told me I looked lovely and radiant, I would worry at best, he couldn't read social situations and at worst, he was a creep. If I thought a man was creepy to the point where I'd feel uncomfortable leaving him alone with my younger female colleagues, I just wouldn't hire him, plain and simple. I have a duty of care to them. If my Spidey senses start tingling, I listen to them.

NewInTown08 · 10/02/2020 21:20

Inappropriate comment, I'm sure it worked against them for the job

MutteringDarkly · 10/02/2020 21:22

I recruit in tech. Still a big no from me. I will make a lot of allowances for nerves (people repeating themselves, fluffing a question, losing their thread etc) but I expect people to stick to professional subjects for any conversation. It is never ok to make comments on colleagues' personal appearances; it's even more off-limits to do it with people who aren't yet your colleagues or ever likely to be.

Would it be the single reason not to hire if the rest of their interview was brilliant? No. I would probably raise it directly at the time, to assess what made them say it. But I am dubious the rest of the interview was brilliant if there is such a mis-match of judgment between candidate and interviewer.

Sickandscared · 10/02/2020 21:25

I also recruited for tech and agree with everything @MutteringDarkly said

74NewStreet · 10/02/2020 21:27

Bemused that tech candidates are presumed to be social inadequates who have to make allowances made for their outrageous behaviour.
How ridiculous...

AnneOfTeenFables · 10/02/2020 21:29

Somehow I missed the post where you said he had done this before. That makes it worse. Saying something once through nerves is possibly excusable. Having an interview technique that deliberately includes patronising personal comments to female interviewers takes it to a different level of inappropriateness. If that's his attitude to women interviewers then it will permeate his entire interview and yy it will stop him getting jobs.

FourDecades · 10/02/2020 21:36

I would feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

Vanhi · 10/02/2020 21:38

I think a man commenting on a woman’s appearance in a professional setting is usually borne out of their desire (they don’t always realise it) to position themselves above her. The bestower of compliments. It’s usually designed to ruffle the receiver of the compliment a little, to disarm them.

This. If I were recruiting I'd be thinking 'ok, what's his attitude to women like in general? Is he going to annoy female staff by not listening to them? And if he can do this at interview, on his best behaviour, what on earth will he be like if he gets the job?' Slightly less bad if he's not customer facing but almost all jobs require you to work with someone and communicate somehow.........

impressivename · 10/02/2020 21:44

Just tell the silly wimmins they look pretty, and they'll be so pleased they'll be putty in your hands! eeew.

FourDecades · 10/02/2020 21:46

@inthemoment1990 what are his reasons for saying it when you've asked him?

alexdgr8 · 10/02/2020 21:49

actually I'm astonished you needed to ask.
isn't it obvious that this is not ok.
what sort of place do you work.
I'm assuming you are female, but whether or not, surely you can see this is not going to increase his chances of being hired.
is he really socially confident, or is it boorish, unaware, of how people really perceive him.
if this had been 30 yrs ago, I would understand the question. now, no.

Shannith · 10/02/2020 21:50

As an interviewer, if anyone, male or female said that to me, they would not get the job.

Weird and unprofessional. Just reading the situation very badly wrong.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/02/2020 21:51

Bemused that tech candidates are presumed to be social inadequates who have to make allowances made for their outrageous behaviour.

Everyone has skill sets. I'm a facilitator and would be expected to be borderline perfect in an interview (high stress, forward facing). A tech candidate wouldn't be expected to be. Because that's not their forte. It's not that they're inadequate!

StealthMama · 10/02/2020 21:53

Yes, it's inappropriate. It would in itself be reason to not employ him for me.

What sort of dynamic and behaviour is he going to bring to the team?

why does he think it's ok to refer to a female (or male) in that way in a professional setting?

Can he not read the room?

Does he not understand the nature of the meeting?

Does he think complementing me is all he has to do to get the job?

Or was he belittling me? You lovely and radiant little woman you...

Too many red flags.

No, no, no.

BrokenWing · 10/02/2020 21:53

“You are looking very lovely and radiant by the way’

Creepy as fuck and it would take a lot to recover from.

I wouldn't want someone that comes out with patronising put the woman in her place crap like that in my team, but I would give him a chance to redeem himself by asking him about it directly in the interview.

Original poster
inthemoment1990 · 10/02/2020 21:55

Mmmm good points made here , I have no idea how to approach it with him at all .

Couple of questions answered :
He is early 40s
The reason I know was because he told me
He was interviewing for a management position
The comment he made in the interview before wasn’t identical but similar

OP posts:
Original poster
inthemoment1990 · 10/02/2020 21:56

And his reasons for saying the comment were to “make conversation “

OP posts:
youareacuntychops · 10/02/2020 21:56

Op have you told him it's inappropriate to make personal comments like that or any comments about someones appearance in a professional setting?
What was his response?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 10/02/2020 21:58

If I was the interviewer then yes, that would go against the candidate. I'd assume that they either a) weren't very good with appropriate behaviour and boundaries or b) were a lot bit creepy.

BrokenWing · 10/02/2020 21:58

And his reasons for saying the comment were to “make conversation “

Tell him to talk about the weather!! Nice and safe.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 10/02/2020 21:59

He was interviewing for a management position

That makes it even worse, I'm afraid. I'd expect a manager to know that this isn't appropriate "conversation" in a work setting.

lostinadream · 10/02/2020 22:01

Fgs it’s hardly the worst comment in the world.

I haven’t read the full thread but have we really reached a point where someone of the opposite sex can’t say you look lovely?

IDoNotHaveABlackCat · 10/02/2020 22:02

Yeah that is a bit weird. I would probably write it off as nerves if it was a one off.

"You are looking well" is OK in my opinion for someone you knew in passing, but would depend on the exact situation. Social grease and all. Much further than that and it gets a bit wobbly.

DrivingMsCrazy · 10/02/2020 22:02

Why not just hand him your phone and let him read the comments OP? It's pretty conclusive! He's talking himself out of jobs and he needs to know it's totally inappropriate.

DrivingMsCrazy · 10/02/2020 22:03

@lostinadream - in an interview situation yes I think we have passed that point! Comments on physical appearance are a no for most professional settings now.