To not make his tea or run his bath

[NameChangedBecauseIDid]

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

To the people saying 'he could genuinely be tired' oh didums. So is OP except she doesn't stop. He's not too tired to play on his Xbox though. He can tidy up. Who cares he's done an 11 hour shift. Clean the kitchen. No big deal.

BUT

ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him.

THIS! looks like he'll be stinky and hungry then. Not your problem. He's a grown ass man!

I know I'm alone here, but I would give him a pass on the housework during the week. If he is happy to help with bath and bedtime, I would leave that to him, put some music on and get on with the dishes while he deals with the kids. That always seemed like a good deal to me when my kids were that age - I was parented out by bathtime on a week day.

On the weekends, though, it has to be 50/50 on both the housework and childcare. I think you will have to make it explicit that you are feeling like a 24 hour live in housekeeper and need him to share the load at the weekends when both of you are home.

As for the bath - do it if it doesn't inconvenience you. And if it does, don't do it. It's a nice thing to do, but certainly not obligatory.

YANBU. Your partner is not your child. Even if you are a SAHP. You are definitely vulnerable if you do not financially contribute to your household so my thoughts would be to get a job asap and tell your DP to sod off and cook his own dinner and run his own bath....(horror of horrors)....

Honestly, I was going to say you WB a bit U, but then I read the last paragraph and completely changed my opinion.
He really doesn't seem to respect you as a mother and a human being my love. It's easy enough for him to run the water for half an hour when he gets home. I realise he is going to be shattered, (I used to work 10 hours, and drive another hour a day, sometimes working 15 hours) however, he needs to respect that you are human being and you have feelings. Sit down calmly and explain this to him as you have on your post. Maybe his expectations are a bit high of you... tell him your struggling and be honest. Maybe agree to a evening a week where you get a takeaway, relax together (No x box, which is an invention of the devil, trust me, I'm a x box widow too) and spend time doing couple stuff rather than life stuff. Good luck x

To all the - I'm just gonna say it now - Simpering Dickpanderers acting as apologists for the DP ... FFS, RTFT.

If you can't do that before pontificating so ignorantly, at least read my response to Dieu at Tue 11-Feb-20 16:39:35 & STFU?

Since when was working for a wage an excuse for not raising your kids or taking a share of any of the housework?
Since when was being a SAHM licence for your DP to exploit you mercilessly, so that the only break you get is half an hour to sort yourself out in the early morning before getting the kids up?
For your DP to sit on his X-box & phone every evening & weekend, while you continue sacrificing all your time to running the home & kids, although he only has to work normal hours?

I fucking despair.
You Dickpanderers are just raising the next generation of entitled men. Stop it.

When he gets home anything left to do is shared. You can’t be on call 24/7 to look after your husband that’s just nonsense. If you’re still working after a long day looking after kids and doing housework why should he get to put his feet up?

I wouldn't be running his bath anyway he's not a child.

consistency is the key word here if you start off spoiling them they will expect it all the time , in my past relationship he always knew it was 50/50 its only right especially when you have children to look after, a grown up man can surely pull his weight as well

Sounds like you're both too tired and stressed to be able to see each others point of view....

You need to come together over this

Try having a proper, non-blaming, talk some time

Blimey I'm surprised at the people saying YABU, I'm often out of the house 5.30-6.30 sometimes 7 my husband is a SAHP and yet I still do any housework I see needs doing in fact I go find stuff that needs to be done because my husband is my partner not my slave and having children is work you don't get a moment's peace and can't just switch off being a parent because you are tired.

In fact today I'm feeling a bit ill and very tired scared myself driving earlier as felt like I was going to nod off (got off the motorway pretty sharpish don't worry).

So far I've emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, washing machine and tumble drier. Polished the kids shoes and I'm presently watching the youngest in the bath.
My DH has taken one to a sports club but even if he was here I'd be doing the same.
Better tell him as I work I can just come home and do nothing oh wait I probably can't cause I'm a parent too and his partner not his master and don't have a penis 🤷‍♀️

I can't get over you "run his bath". Nobody does that OP.

Add to that he does fuck all in the house (I don't give a shite how many hours he works - so do I but it's not a license to do fuck all and treat your spouse like a housekeeper), you do everything, no down time for you, and to top it all couldn't even be arsed to get you a poxy Xmas present.

Come on. You know this isn't right.

OP YANBU and ignore the apologists here.

I had a similar issue with my DH early days with our twins, I’m a SAHM - he works ‘full time’. He genuinely thought this gave him some kind of get out for helping around the house in the evenings/weekends.

So I asked him to sit down and write out his work schedule, what tasks he did throughout his working day and for how long - he did this at work for a week. I did the same at home, it was meticulously done by both of us as we both are stubborn sods who find it difficult to compromise when we both think we’re in the right!

When we exchanged our lists he finally saw in black and white exactly how taxing it was for me to be the one responsible for all household work when wrangling twin babies (now toddlers) four cats and an ever growing list of chores. He shut up and got on with housework after that (and after listening to my somewhat irate speech about being a SAHM - not a cleaner/nanny/cook/skivvy).

It is about respect, he needs to show that he does respect you and everything that you do for his and your DC.

In short, stop running his baths and I hope you can get it through to him why it’s important that he steps up at home.

My partner works 7-5 then comes home and does homework/dinner and helps around the house. I'm at college and in earlier than him but pretty much everything is 50/50 between us. He is never asked to do anything he just does it as it's his house too.

Sorry, he works full time and now you want him to get home and do more work? What do you contribute, exactly? He can draw his own bath, but really you should pick up the slack around the house. Relationships are partnerships- if he’s contributing the finance you should contribute at home. Of course, if you both worked then he should def do more around the house.

Who the hell has a bath these days! And I'd make the dinner if you're making it for the kids but running an adult man a bath is weird

@JCB12
Could you please clarify whether you think housework and childcare is work or not?
You post suggests it’s “work” if the DH has to do some outside his paid employment but if OP does it all then she’s not working and not contributing?
Which is it? It can’t be both.

I'm always shocked at these threads where people say if the DH works then the DW should do more round the house. The op here (and in general) isn't disagreeing that they should do more. But they shouldn't have to do everything! It takes a very selfish person to sit on their arse and watch their partner running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get everything done so they can sit down in the evening. It's not like the op is doing nothing all day. Looking after small kids isn't exactly relaxing.

ODFOD @JCB12.

At least RTFT before jumping to erroneous conclusions.
You are SO fucking rude - if he’s contributing the finance you should contribute at home - OP makes a monthly contribution to household expenses from her own savings. Yes - her savings, that she worked for.
Her DP doesn't make any contribution to running the house though. Nor does he parent his own children at weekends, apart from joining OP for doing bath & bedtime. Big deal - thats the fun bit.

She also works, as a mother, all the 11 hours that OP is at his workplace.
And you want her to do more work when he is home & relaxing - but she cannot relax, or have any time for herself, because her partner. like you, believes she should also work every evening & all weekend so that he doesn't need to lift a finger. Or even run his won bath FFS.

Are you female? - 'cos with women like you, who needs the patriarchy? Keep supressing the sisterhood & pandering to delicate little male egos on your own time. No need to instruct some other poor woman she needs to follow suit.

If you’re home all day there shouldn’t be much to do in the evening to be running around for.

I’d argue it’s much more selfish to expect a partner to work so you don’t have to vs half an hour in the evening washing up etc.

So JCB housework and childcare isn’t work when OP does it but if her DH does it. How does that work?

Did you miss the bit where the OP confirmed that she contributes financially as well.

Why do you run his bath?

I totally think it’s work. My point is that if the OH does all the ‘paid employment’ then does housework as well that doesn’t seem fair.

It’s all about sharing the load. At the moment (it seems) he’s totally shouldering the income load, so the original poster should shoulder the housework load.

I’m glad he does his fair share with the children, that’s right and I do thinking drawing him a bath is a bit much, although we don’t know what work he does.

JCB he isn’t totally shouldering the financial load and he does very little for the children and no housework, diy or gardening. He a lazy inconsiderate arse.

Basically besides helping 1 child brush their teeth and both of them putting the children in the bath he does nothing even at weekend.

@JCB12
Thank you for clarifying your position. I’m still not clear why you think OP should be doing all of the work and childcare long after the DH has clocked off for the day and on his days off, too.

Yes she’s “at home all day” but presumably not binding and gagging her children so that she doesn’t have to deal with them creating more work as the day goes on (meals, washing up, laundry, mess, toys, occasional sickness no doubt). They need to be nurtured and stimulated, not kept out of the way while mum makes sure the floors are polished. So there’s housework to be done once dinner bath and bedtime is done, and that should be shared between both partners IMO.
OP isn’t a servant.

I’d argue it’s much more selfish to expect a partner to work so you don’t have to vs half an hour in the evening washing up etc.

& you can piss off with your sactimonious dickpandering as well @IceCreamAndCandyfloss.

OP is longing to get back to work, & will do so at the optimum point for her kids. Meantime - scenting her bid for domestic & economic freedom - her DP wants to impregnate her with a THIRD child, so she is still beholden to him. Just like all the other coercive controllers who cannot contemplate equal partnerships & shared duties.

Keep 'em barefoot, pregnant, & in the kitchen, huh?