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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make his tea or run his bath

291 replies

NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 17:04

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

OP posts:
GalacticLady · 10/02/2020 21:13

I dont think either you or your dh are being unreasonable.

I work full time (as does my DH) i couldnt bear to do ten minutes of washing up in the kitchen (even if my own tea) on weekdays, after work (obviously you dont want to either, as you have too worked a full day at home). Im out 12-13 hours a day, so effectively I work less hours than your dp (i work 8-6) and even then I am physically and mentally shattered and extremely grumpy. when home, my kids are playing up for attention. getting them ready for bed is my sole priority - sometimes I go without dinner.. dont have energy to make myself food. Sometimes I dont even want to talk to dh or listen to anyone, i just want some mindless TV.

And come Sundays I just want to lie on the couch. My kids dont seem to watch much TV or stay still so they drive me insane on Saturdays. Not justifying your dh or saying you should do his bit.. but trying to give another possibly his point of view.

MarchDaffs · 10/02/2020 21:18

OP what exactly are the hours of work and breaks? As you've said a few different things now. And is the overtime paid?

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 21:32

After dinner (that I cooked) one of us washed up and ran the hoover round while the other got the kids bathed and bedded, then we both sat down together in the evening. At weekends we shared all the chores equally I have never ever ran a bath for him or any other man though

& that's as it should be, @JRUIN - because SAHP's definitely do NOT do no work at all, although you accused the OP of this, & she also doesn't benefit from ANY chore-sharing at weekends, & is still running around doing household chores each evening because her DP won't.
Your situations are not comparable.

gamerchick · 10/02/2020 21:40

Am definitely not a 1950s throwback either. I just think it should be fair.

Is not getting a Christmas or birthday present in the midst of all that fair while booking a birthday holiday for themselves?

FraglesRock · 10/02/2020 21:41

Take it in turns to do both kids, other does toys and tidying etc. But be specific.
Obviously only if he's worth sorting out. Don't let him sit down on his phone, tell him what needs doing

Original poster
NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 22:10

I was rushing when i was typing so ive hit the wrong keys - my ds is 2, not 3

He is contracted to work 7-4 & chooses to work 6-5. Im not actually sure how long his breaks are, yes his overtime is paid.

He walks to work but most days his work mates drive past and he gets a lift. Same on the way home. Its maybe 6/7 minutes away in a car so most days he sits in the cafe and has a brew before he starts

As i said upthread, i used to be happy enough to do everything but as time goes on im starting to feel resentful

Also, regarding his birthday, make the same effort as he made for yours. If you want to be generous, get a small token from the kids I love the thought but i couldnt bring myself to do it. I ended up making his tea earlier because i felt petty not doing

I understand he works hard but i dont think that means he gets to do literally nothing around the house. Does this also mean when i go back into work i get to do nothing around the house because ill be working? Does this mean once i get a job i dont have to tidy cook clean or help with the kids because i have a job??

After dinner (that I cooked) one of us washed up and ran the hoover round while the other got the kids bathed and bedded, then we both sat down together in the evening. At weekends we shared all the chores equally In my house i cook tea, i get one dc ready for bed, come down tidy up, tidy toys away etc, wash the pots because people havnt read the thread properly and are assuming dp does when he doesnt & same for the weekends. Its not equal here

Not the point of the thread i know, but get your DC into the habit of tidying up their own toys before they go up for bath/bed Im trying which is also making me more frustrated with DP! Teaching and askimg small children to help, ok, but teaching asking an adult man?

But he's out of the house nearly 60 hours a week as the only breadwinner I have -had- excellent savings so although i dont work i contribute a decent amount each month, i am not soley reliant on DP's wage and he knows this, so although he brings in a wage if he suddenly lost his job it would be me who supported us until he found work again

What does he add to your life? Not a lot, financially we are comfortable, but thats the thing i wanted from a partner

My dd would be absolutely heartbroken if we split up, he stayed with his mum for a few weeks a few months back & dd was very upset

Funnily enough i asked him to move out because of his attitude towards housework and hus mum was so surprised because he was always so helpful

And he was when we first got together, everythong was spit ewually

Somehow things havr changed and im pissed off. I didnt agree to this life so how has it happened?

If this was an agreement between us both i coulsnt conplain, but it isnt. Its dp being a lazy git

I think he knows aswell, i hadnt made his tea at first nor run his bath and tonight is the night he decides hell start having his bath later on from now on. He washed the pan, baking tray & 2 plates and cutlery from the kids tea, it took him all of maybe 4 minutes,

So the fact he did that tonight when ive not done what i usually do makes me think he knows its not on aswell

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 22:12

What does he add to your life?

Not a lot, financially we are comfortable, but thats not the only thing i wanted from a partner

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 22:19

You don’t want your son believing he doesn’t have to help his partner around the house but aren’t you bothered he may grow up thinking women don’t work but men have too

Why would he grow up thinking woman dont have to work? Because his mum stayed at home with him while he was a newborn till he was maybe 3? Hmm

Atm im the only woman in my family who doesnt have a job, funnily enough hes that used to people going to work that he assumes i go to work when i go somewhere without him,

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 10/02/2020 22:24

Given that you've said you get up at the same time as him all week, I now think you should each get a lie in at the weekend. Broach that while he's in this phase of having realised that he's pushed his privileges a bit too far. If his working life is as hard as some posters here make out, then being up but 'only' having to keep an eye on the kids should be a piece of piss. Plus it will give him some more quality time with the kids.

OhamIreally · 10/02/2020 22:32

It's interesting that he wants to have another baby just as you are gaining a chance to have a little freedom.
Why do you think that is, OP?

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 23:52

Given that you've said you get up at the same time as him all week, I now think you should each get a lie in at the weekend. Broach that while he's in this phase of having realised that he's pushed his privileges a bit too far.
Cracking advice from Buttery. Please do it OP.

If his working life is as hard as some posters here make out, then being up but 'only' having to keep an eye on the kids should be a piece of piss. Plus it will give him some more quality time with the kids.
Grin Grin Grin
I want to see his face as he realises his DP wants him to prioritise his kids over his Xbox. Oh joy. Get tough OP - make it happen. You have an opening "while he's in this phase of having realised that he's pushed his privileges a bit too far" - use it!

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 23:54

& FFS take heed of @OhamIreally's post just above.
I know you are not keen on a third child - make your contraception bulletproof.

DecemberSnow · 10/02/2020 23:56

Does he pay for everything OP?

z0fl0ra · 10/02/2020 23:56

He works 11 hour days and puts the kids to bed, I think that’s fair enough and you shouldn’t expect much more than that or he will be overworked and start resenting you

DecemberSnow · 10/02/2020 23:59

Ignore - Just read that you had answered that question upthread

messolini9 · 11/02/2020 00:05

He works 11 hour days and puts the kids to bed, I think that’s fair enough and you shouldn’t expect much more than that or he will be overworked and start resenting you

@zoflora
OP also works 11 hour days & puts the kids to bed - DP doesn't do this solo. Ever. She then continues working after he is home while he does nothing bar sharing putting the kids to bed. He should be expecting to do a lot more, or she will be overworked & start resenting him.

Inthebleakmidwinterz · 11/02/2020 00:16

This is probably an alternative view but I’m a stay at home Mum to a 5 month old, and I do all the housework too, my husband does nothing but I prefer it because I think I do a better job, I really enjoy keeping a lovely home. But if you’re finding it tough I really don’t see why he can’t help, but you just need to sit down and talk about it with him, don’t lower yourself to doing petty things, he needs to be told straight that you’re having a tough time. I run my husband a bath and cook dinner too, it’s just nice to do, I understand.

RandomMess · 11/02/2020 00:16

It sounds like he chooses to do the overtime rather than being at home to do his share and spend time with his DC...

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 11/02/2020 00:30

Do a time audit. I can't stress this enough, it's the only way I've found that works to make things more equal. For a week or three, record 'work time' for both of you in 15 minute units. Time spent working in and outside the house (including getting up to kids in the night, shopping for birthday gifts, cooking, errands, wrangling in-laws, bathing, gardening, weekend chores, household maintenance, tidying and general childcare) should be equal or close to equal. A few years ago my DH and I did this for 3 weeks and discovered he was doing 11 hours a week less than me on average - my extra time was mostly made up of general tidying up after kids, organising kids' social schedules and driving them about, house maintenance and food prep incl school lunches). I wasn't surprised I was doing more, but I was surprised at how much more. We redistributed some chores and made the kids do more - you'd be surprised what a 3 year old can do - and he also decided to get a cleaner in for an hour once a week. Cold hard data made it impossible for him to argue that he was contributing equally. We both worked outside the home, and the same principle applies to SAHP's work.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 11/02/2020 00:40

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say if you don't work, he's doing 11 hour days, one of your children is in school, he already does bath teeth and bedtime then you can clean the kitchen after tea. Seems fair. Petty not to cook for him

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 11/02/2020 00:41

The time audit idea is - in my view - ridiculous. Some activities are so much more intense than others: either physically or mentally. Minutes or hours spent do not balance out unless or until the activity itself has been evaluated.

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 11/02/2020 01:25

Fair enough LadyMacbeth. My husband and I actually allocated double time to getting up in the night for this reason. It worked for us, your mileage may vary.

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 11/02/2020 01:32

It

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 11/02/2020 01:36

Sorry, dropped phone. It was perhaps easier for us than some others to do the time audit, as my husband and I are in the same profession and were working broadly comparable office hours with a similar commute. Still, the fact that it might be hard to set suitable parameters doesn't mean it's not a worthwhile process. Several of my friends have done this with their partners, it's worked for them too.

RedskyAtnight · 11/02/2020 07:39

The trouble with time audits of home life is that some people are more efficient than others.

If you audited my DH one evening you might find he spent 45 minutes making dinner. And this would be all he did in this 45 minutes.

But on another evening you'd find I spent 45 minutes making dinner, helping DC with their homework, putting on a load of washing, folding up a load of dry clothes and emptying the dishwasher.

It's a bit like "presenteeism" at work. The person who is in the office for more hours is not necessarily the one getting the most done.