To not make his tea or run his bath

[NameChangedBecauseIDid]

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

But at least you can measure leisure time.

I did one for one day when our eldest baby was little. I wrote on the chalk board when ever DH or I had the baby. I didn’t tell him which is a bit sneaky.

But at the end of the day, I asked how he thought the split had gone. It was 25:75 him to me according to the board. He said he thought it was even. It was interesting to talk about it with some actual ‘proof’ rather than us both saying what our perception was.

OP,

Good for you not accepting your husband being lazy.

This is absolutely deliberate.

Your annoyance will only grow and it will be all you're left with.

I think you need to hunker down and make it very clear that you are not happy with the status quo.

Bullet proof your contraception.

The difference between 2 and 3 children is huge, I wouldn't trust your husband and your marriage to get through it.

As this is an ongoing issue, you may need to return to work and it's just better to be prepared.

Another pregnancy would leave you even more vulnerable.

People only change their behaviour through self interest.

I think your husband needs to get the message clearly that he's adding nothing to your life as he is behaving now, and that it is having an irrevocably effect on your relationship.

The ball is in his court.

OP, do not feel bad for wanting a healthy, respectful relationship, where you both work together as a team.

Why wouldn't you want it!
💐💐💐

so, regarding his birthday, make the same effort as he made for yours. If you want to be generous, get a small token from the kids

I love the thought but i couldnt bring myself to do it. I ended up making his tea earlier because i felt petty not doing

So you’re not going to change anything, OP?

And now you say you’re contributing to household from your savings. Please stop, I suspect you’ll need those savings one day. Tell him they’ve run out and put them in an account he doesn’t know you have.

I think that during the week, his working hours are to work, yours are to look after the house and kids. You should spend roughly the same amount of time doing this. This could mean household stuff should mostly fall to you, and his role should be 'not create a mess, make your life harder and get in the way'. You should also have equal relaxation time in the evening, which if you're not getting, either means more stuff needs to be done in the day or it needs to be left if there is no additional time. He should have no complaints about this, for example if his bath isn't run.

On the weekend, both of you are 'off work' and everything is divided 50/50.

As the justification for his not helping is that working is his 'job' and house is your 'job', then presumably he assumes his contribution to the family is money and yours is housework and childcare. Not unreasonable, except you are also contributing money. If you choose to have the roles divvied up as money earning and housekeeping, then you don't contribute money. Keep your savings, don't essentially pay to do your own role.

I think the time audit is a superb idea @Mincingfuckdragon2! (If I weren't a single parent, I would definitely do it myself!)

You could audit leisure time to see whether this is being split fairly. For example, do you get 30-40 minutes each day to have a bath, or spend the equivalent of his phone/gaming time on your own relaxation? How does the amount of time you have without responsibility for children compare?

To be honest a lot of the comments on this thread seem to come straight out of the 1950s and leave me pretty shocked. I adore my children but having them with me all day is hard work and a big job -- my office days feel like a real break.

Also, how do you divide mutual life admin like choosing birthday presents, organising birthday parties, buying presents for friends and family, keeping in contact with elderly family members, organising and planning holidays, doing grocery shopping, planning and cooking breakfast and dinner, arranging weekend activities and packing clothes/food/gear in preparation?

I think it's pretty poor that he didn't bother to do anything for your birthday. It gives the children the impression that you don't matter whereas he does! Have you made it clear that you are unhappy with this and would like a card, present and celebration of some sort? It's worth being super clear about the fact that you are not okay with the current situation.

I definitely wouldn't have a third child with this man. I am not clear what he is actually contributing to your life. It sounds as if you do all the giving and he does all the taking. Might you actually be freed up a bit by becoming a single parent rather than having to nag and project-manage him to do basic household tasks?

have -had- excellent savings so although i dont work i contribute a decent amount each month

Now this is your bargaining chip. If he isn't going to tip up then neither are your. I think you might need that money one day, because when it's all gone. He can throw the you don't contribute so you should do it all line.

This won't end unless you make a stand somewhere.

FFS why are you using YOUR savings while also running the house 24/7 with no support, while he has downtime every evening & weekend & won't even mow the fucking lawn?

Hide them away OP.

You're gonna need them one day, when you realise that he will never change, & he doesn't give a shit about your feelings, your exhaustion, your constant drudgery, or the respect he should be giving the mother of his children.

I am not sure where this ends really,
You stop doing stuff for him round the house, he stops paying for you to do anything which is not kids related.
If one response is fair than so is the other.
Give him a list of things to do and impress on him that you need them to be done. If he doesn't do them, you can say you were too busy doing his chores that you werent able to run his bath.
Things like not cooking him are blatantly hostile though as you are cooking anyway and will lead to him rightly responding in the same way.

@RedskyAtnight yes, the efficiency issue! I actually think it can be ignored in this context provided the person in question isn't deliberately going slowly. It would be unfair to expect my husband (who earns less than I do) to work longer hours to "make up" his wage to the same as mine. Similarly it would be unfair to expect him to work longer hours in the home to make up for being a bit slow. Time audits are not perfect, but for me the audit and subsequent discussion/negoatiation with my husband has meant I'm doing about 5-6 hours per week less than I was before on average. I can do quite a lot with that extra 5 or so hours!!

He sounds way too comfortable and quite lazy. He's also taking you for granted and l can see why you feel under appreciated especially about your birthday 😔. I'm confused about why he wants another baby as he does so little for his existing children. My partner leaves the house before 7am and gets back at around 8.30pm about 3-4 days a week. Dinner is usually ready when he gets home courtesy of me. My only expectation on those days is he washed up and puts the bins / recycling out once a week. But on the other days he sometimes makes dinner, cleans does washing etc. We both work though and have no children -typically l am out of the house for 10-13 hours a day

Oh and not sure why you are using your savings. Surely financially is one of the few ways he contributes?

Do you work, OP?

Sorry, I've just seen that you stay at home.
Sorry, YABU, on account of him working 11 hour days.

Thank you for that amazing contribution @Dieu

Sorry, I've just seen that you stay at home.
Sorry, YABU, on account of him working 11 hour days.

Does that count? She puts money into the pot and he couldn't be bothered to get a Christmas or birthday present for her while booking a birthday holiday for himself?

Does working 11 hour days mean you're exempt from being a considerate partner? Who knew

Just for perspective, I work full-time whilst my DH only works 20hrs per week. Our arrangement is that he does all the cooking and child-related chores and I do all the laundry and washing up. He washes up after himself whilst I'm at work and doesn't leave it to me. We both tidy as and when required. If either of us sees something out of place then either of us will put it away. We both put our kids to bed (they're a bit older than yours though).

My point being is all this 'you don't work so you're a slave' mentality is complete and utter bullshit promoted by stupid entitled men and their pathetic enabling wives.

You have every right and reason to be pissed off OP.

Keep your savings, don't essentially pay to do your own role

This. At the moment you're paying into the family pot twice, once from your savings and once in the work you do looking after the kids and the house. Your husband only puts in once, from his wages, and contributes hardly anything in helping run the household. You're effectively saying that your contribution to the family in being a SAHP is zero. IT IS NOT. Where did this idea about you paying in from your savings come from?

Sorry, I've just seen that you stay at home.
Sorry, YABU, on account of him working 11 hour days.

Oh you silly arse @Dieu.

OP doesn't presently have an externally paid job, no.
And she also works 11 hour days.
The difference is, her DP works ONLY 11 hours, ONLY 5 days a week.
Whereas OP continues working through the evening, while DP refuses to do anything other than join the bedtime routine (not take it over, so that she could rest or get on with other stuff) on any evening.
DP also then spends the whole 2 days at the weekend doing exactly as he pleases - generally X-box from what I have been able to fathom by RTFT - so doesn't even step up to parent his own kids at weekends.
Neither does he deign to do one scrap of the household chores - all weekend. OP even has to mow the lawn, tend to all the life admin, etc - he does not lift a finger.

So OP is doing an 11 hour day, plus evenings & weekends.
On top of that, she also contributes to household finances every month out of her own savings.

Still think that "on account of him working 11 hour days" that OP is BU?
Or do you now feel that someone should be supporting HER in the evenings & at weekends, instead of sulking because his slave hasn't run his bath for him?

What's his reason for not splitting the housework/childcare with you on the weekends?

For me it depends on if you work or not. If not, then the house is your job. If you work full time too then he needs to up his game

I run DH a bath if he is feeling poorly, tired etc and I cook his tea as I'm in first. He runs me a bath too sometimes and he gets up and makes me a cup of tea first thing in the morning even though he doesn't really have to get up that early. It's good to be nice. It's not good if he does sweet fa and expects you to wait on him!

I’m with @Molly2017

If you’re a sahp then your house is like your job, your partner is out around 12 hours a day making money to keep you all with a roof over your head and food in your bellies.

By all means ask him to pick up after himself, but until you get a job, even a part tine job, you are actually sharing the load right now. You see to the home load, he earns the pay to make sure you have a home to keep.

Monday to Friday, he can put the kids to bed on his own while you wash up. Saturday and Sunday you can split the housework, gardening etc 50/50. Stop paying in from your savings. He can't say zero for your birthday and weekend abroad for his birthday.
Go away for a weekend, stay at a friends house, so he can see how much work looking after a 2 year old and 5 year old is! He doesn't appreciate you and likes you being his slave. You are worth more than this! You've made a good start, keep going and don't slip back to the old ways as you'll just end up resenting him and the relationship will sour.

YABU for running him a bath. Good grief woman!

I’m a sahm. Similar aged kids. My eldest is not at school yet, just nursery every morning and toddler goes twice a week.

I do pretty much everything in the house. Clean, cook, household admin. I consider it my job. It’s tiring though. However my DH is considerate towards me. He might not do a huge amount of housework, but he would if I asked him. And he’s done more when I’ve needed him to. We’re just in a good place right now where I’m not struggling (mostly because I get 6 hours a week now child free). He does bedtime every night when he’s home, and takes the kids out on a weekend. Also I’m currently sat on the sofa while my kids watch tv. Not all parts of being a sahm are hard work.

Everyone finds the balance in their home with what’s right for them. Clearly yours is not working for you!