To not make his tea or run his bath

[NameChangedBecauseIDid]

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

I feel like I’ve gone back in time to 1950!

Not I think you need to follow through with the "not doing stuff" because if he is acting like a kid I'd treat him like one. I work full time and my other half is a home parent . I am a bit crap during the week but I still run round like a mad woman at weekends (& sometimes do weekdays too) and clean my entire flat. I cook too and sometimes batch cook stuff on a sun. I used to do everything and we have switched roles but I'd never do nothing and if I had to do it all I would. Equality works both ways. Sounds like your man needs a wake up call.

And to the people saying working full time us harder than being at home I beg to differ! Being at home is harder than being at work. You are a parent 24/7. You don't get a lunch break/hot coffee / to go for a wee in peace. Yes I do work full time, yes its effing tiring & yes I do need a rest but not as much as when in home ! I go back to work for a rest !

I'd leave him. Your dd will be ok. Your life long term won't be. He might do the pots for a while but as soon as he's comfortable he'll go back to being a lazy git, who doesn't think you deserve birthday presents or time to yourself. He gets a lot more out of this relationship than you do.

If OP’s partner wants another baby but won’t parent the children he has, couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge OP at Christmas and on her birthday but books a lovely vacation for his birthday, chooses to work extra hours and, according to the OP, doesn’t add a lot to her life beyond the financial (“but thats the thing i wanted from a partner”), I’d say there are bigger problems here than him not wanting to wash a couple of pots and pans in the evenings.

Just ask him what he would do if he was single. Would he starve and sleep in his own filth?
As the answer is no, you can then ask him what makes him think you're his servant?

Just ask him what he would do if he was single.

Don't know why people always say this. The answer is he'd probably do pretty much the same as he does now. Yes, he'd have to run his own bath, but he would just be making his tea in place of putting the children to bed (or living off toast/takeaways). And a house where a single adult who is out of all day lives, doesn't need that much in the way of cleaning. He'd probably do even less than he does at the moment.

OP, you sound like a really great Mum.
Please don't waste this time with your children feeling guilty over being ill. Something you had absolutely no control over.
What you don't want to be regretting is the additional time you spent beating yourself up instead of enjoying this time.
You do everything for your children, on top of tolerating that lazy lump you married.
I think you are wise in not having anymore. Enjoy the two you have.

You sound like a complete Saint to me...... I'd have buried his body under the patio with his Xbox.....and......if I was caught there'd only have to be one sane woman on the jury for me to be acquitted😂👍

I think the major issue is you and your DH do not operate as a team and each see various tasks as belonging to the other. You seem to be so resentful and I wonder if he feels the same. Do you have any coupleness left? Do you both work on your emotional connection? I think if I was you I'd sod the chore stress and be working on the marriage itself.

Haven’t read the whole thread but the first part seems to include much disdain at the fact that you run him a bath I dont think you even read the first post, the bath was mentioned in the title and in the last sentance of the post, it wasnt the focus of the post

You sound like a complete Saint to me Im not, Im grumpy a lot and have little patience, im more grumpy than i am happy

but thats the thing i wanted from a partner I corrected the sentance further down, it was meant to be Not a lot, financially we are comfortable, but thats not the only thing i wanted from a partner

You seem to be so resentful and I wonder if he feels the same Hes not resentful, hes very happy with his home life where he does the bare minimum and im grateful for plates being washed That comment has annoyed me even though its not DP who said it he has got absolutely nothing to feel resentful about

Even as a single man hed have to wash his own plates but on top of that he'd have to make it aswell

Do you have any coupleness left? Do you both work on your emotional connection? We have a date night twice a month which is always nice,

But then again on date nights i always get stressed trying to finsih last bits of tidying up, getting kids in bed before baby sitter arrivies etc and he barely helps,

Every date night i am annoyed running up to leaving because im doing so many things as well as trying to sort myself out

beware of becoming his mummy. It's not about who earns the most or who works the most, it's about sharing the housework burden. Laundry ? Let him do his own, Make some chores his responsibility, i.e. taking out the trash, recycling etc. Keep a note about the hours you work, baby minding, shopping, meal prep, etc etc. You'll be amazed at how many hours you put in, with no overtime bonus. Then point out the unfairness of it all. IF he doesn't wise up and pitch in suggest he hires a housekeeper, at, at least £12 p/h, with no bpooty calls.

I hope today goes well OP. It really does need to be a new beginning for you both. I think it's great that you get a couple of nights out together a month but it shouldn't start off with so much resentment. It sounds like you jump on anything 'good' he does for you and all is forgiven, this needs to stop. He has to really step up now. You have put your career on hold, you're using your savings and doing 99.9% of parenting and housework. There has to be a long term change, good luck

My Nan, a wise old sage, once told me this, and it is so true, you only get what you put up with. Advice I never took sadly, my husband is even worse, semi retired works two days a week but does nothing at home. Why, because he doesn’t feel like it. Then again, he doesn’t mind paying for someone else to do it either so I’m not complaining but I don’t feel like doing housework etc either. If only I thought I’d get away with that excuse years ago! Try and keep a sense of humour about it all, I know it’s hard but you will only suffer more if you let it get to you.

Those saying if you are a SAHP then its your job as your poor oh works long hours give your heads a wobble. Housework does not end at 5pm when his job does and childcare is 24/7 365 days of the year. I have always worked and been expected to carry the mental load of having kids as well as housework /cooking. Even when dropped to pt hours a few years ago was still doing the lions share of house stuff. Then we had words and I stopped doing his washing/ironing and did less around the house learning to ignore any mess he left around (only get to call me lazy once!) . Few years on he retired and I still worked. Did he have a meal cooked for me when I got home or made sure house was tidy, NO he did not. So he will be looking after himself 24/7 soon as am divorcing the lazy chauvinist twat. Took me too many years of doing everything for everybody to realise they expect it rather than appreciate it. Going out to work is often easier than being a SAHP who never gets away from their workplace/job. Get yourself a pt job ASAP and start becoming financially independant and try not to drown him in the bath.

This is ridiculous. You are responsible for the childcare when he is at work, you are jointly responsible for your joint house, and you are jointly responsible for all childcare when he is not at work. In what possible way is it fair for you to have a job that is 7 days a week, 24 hours a day without breaks and look after him. Whilst he works 8 - 8.5 hours 5 days a week (plus kids bath time) and doesn't look after you???

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation here, could people please stop calling the OP's DH, lazy. He works long hours, so I doubt very much that he is lazy!

He is lazy at home.

I think you are both being pretty unreasonable to each other, you cook dinner & run him a bath and he baths puts the DC to bed, what does he do whilst you wash up. You both work hard and you both deserve down time. Why don't you both put DC to bed and wash the pots together, throw him a tea towel and offer wash or wipe or one of you load the dishwasher whilst the other wipes down but talk to each other & chat about your day. As for Sundays if you both feel you need me time swap the childcare, a cuppa in bed and a long hot bath with a good book for you in the morning and a couple of hours on the x box for him later in the day for example. I think you guys need to renew your friendship and then I think life will get easier when you start to like and respect each other again.

Stop doing that for him.

Tell him to do his part or pay for a cleaner, you're not a slave

You two have lost the love you used to have for each other in all of this. Thank goodness your twice monthly date nights give you both a glimpse of it.
The perceived laziness, his playing on the Xbox at weekends, you being more grumpy than happy, and many other examples you’ve cited stem from one place: that you two stopped talking meaningfully a long time ago.
For each of you to be a bigger person, one of you needs to start first. Lead by example. Show him your love for him.
Encourage him to be more ofbthe man he was when you first married.
Find your love for him.
Help him find his for you.
Then, talk your hearts out.
Reorganise everything, from that loving place.
If you choose to follow much of the seemingly supportive advice here, you’ll escalate hostilities and become another divorce statistic.
Don’t be mean, don’t ‘get even’. Be bigger.
Ask yourself, what would love do?
Do that.
And help him find his loving place for you too

Some people live in a dream world, where any problems can be resolved by an adult discussion, and once the man sees the error of his ways, he changes into a model husband. Unfortunately that only works when the man is a reasonable person to begin with.
Many men play that role to secure a partner, who can then do all the work, while he sits back comfortable in the knowledge that his wife won't leave him, because she loves him, the old him, the one she hopes he goes back to.

The reason so many shout LTB, is they know he won't change now, and it's pointless wasting your life flogging a dead horse. This man has no respect for his partner, he just wants her to put up and shut up. He certainly doesn't love her, if he even did to start with.

'To me a 3 bed house, with 2 kids, housework, washing and meals would be about equal. Certainly when my DP was a SAHD he did all that whilst I worked full time.'

Depends on the age of the dc. If they are babies/toddlers etc

I'm lazy and only read the 1st few pages. Here's my reality check.

I've raised 6 children AND worked full time so sadly you won't get the sympathy vote from me.

I didn't get the choice, you do so you can start by being grateful for that choice, it might help your perspective. Try having PND with 3 children and then inheriting 3 step children full time so ending up with 6 children under 10 whilst working nights on an acute medical ward: your life is easy even if it's not what you want.

Also, one of your children is 5 and at school so actually you look after 1 child during the day: you're hardly run off your feet, especially as he does actually help with the kids when he gets home so in reality he is not doing nothing.

He's not doing housework because he is a typical bloke and actually he does enough already. He may work extra hours but it's probably because you're not working so stop making excuses and acknowledge that.

Also: you're not happy. So instead of acting like a petulant child you need to sit him down, discuss the PND fully if you think he doesn't understand and make it crystal clear there will be no more children. You're done and it's not negotiable and you will be going back to work as soon as is reasonable and when you do he will be required to do more around the house as he is an adult and needs to be responsible for himself.

He needs to run his own bath and pull his weight in the relationship as you feel very unloved and underappreciated right now. If he wants a relationship with you and all the privileges that go with that he needs to up his game.

It's in his best interests as much as yours or you will get bored with each other and that's a recipe for disaster.

What a shit post Felicity. And if 3 of the kids were step kids then yes you did get a choice. No one forced you to marry and take on someone else's kids.
You have no idea how hard the op's life is so all the 'my life is harder' bullshit is simply that. Bullshit.