To not make his tea or run his bath

[NameChangedBecauseIDid]

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

I’m glad he does his fair share with the children

WTF, @JCB12?

Where are you getting that from?
He sits on his X-box, ignoring his kids, most of the weekend.

Or do you actually believe THAT is a "fair share", you know - 'cos he has a ManJob?

Similar situation here. I do ALL household chores etc and look after 3 young children, AND I get up an hour before dh to get children ready and make breakfast and packed lunches (for dh too) and also iron his shirt, he gets up an hour later, has a shower, comes down eats the breakfast takes his lunch and goes to work. I KNOW it's wrong. But I've made my bed haven't I. Also I will later this year be working part time while the youngest goes to nursery so then that will be extra workload. He can only see it from his side, he works, I don't.

Can annoying read? he does nothing except go up with op for bathtime-he doesnt eveb help on the weekends yes shes bu?

Also he wants another kid what for so he can disney dad and show off to people abotuj his offsspring

anyone*

Its easy to forget how tiring going out to work actually is. When our children were small, I was the sole breadwinner but my wife expected me to do equal child-care and housework. I couldn't do it, and something had to give; and that was my effectiveness at work, and consequently earning power. People who work full time really do need some rest in the evenings and weekends. Suggestion: Get a full time job. You will remember what its like to go out to work, and he will remember what it is like to run a household.

People who work full time really do need some rest in the evenings and weekends
Yes, and that includes the OP. We have established that doing housework and child care is actually work. Both would get some rest if her partner would share the load fairly in evenings and weekends instead of sitting on his arse “resting” while she continues to work long after he has decided he is done for the day.

Haven’t read the whole thread but the first part seems to include much disdain at the fact that you run him a bath.

If I am first gone my partner always likes a bath run when they get home from work so I do it, with a cup of tea on the side.

I am a bloke, she is a woman. It’s not “1950s” or sexist or any of that shit, it’s just a token gesture to make someone feel appreciated and make their life a bit easier.

Not convincing me, Jane. I worked mon-thu with small dc, Fri I took them to activities and did the food shop. It was tiring, bit I still ended up doing the lions share of everything house/dc related. Later being a sahm was just as tiring, in different ways. Through personal experience I don't believe full time work out of the house is so tiring it requires the sahp to do everything else. Single ppl manage it.

The least PP can do is read all the OP, posts.

She does everything not just childcare, all housework, including gardening and putting out bins and diy. She does this every day, 24/7.

OP pays household expenses from her savings. Her P is not shouldering the entire financial responsibility.

The H wants another baby (why as he does not parenting whatsoever) and OP is counting down to the time she can get back into work.

The H chooses to work extra hours and has a 20 min walk commute to work, however his friends take him and bring him home so he spends a bit of time in the morning sitting in a cafe having a nice cup of coffee before starting work.

The H also couldn’t be bothered getting OP a birthday present but is booking a holiday for his own birthday. OP will you be expected to pay for this holiday?

OP, at the least stop paying anything till you’re back at work and never run a bath for him again.

I believe from what you've said that the real issue is not the running of a bath (putting a tap on doesn't actually take much time or effort) or making his meal, it's more that you feel not listened to, unappreciated and a skivvy . Perhaps you need to sit him down and tell him this but be ready that he may also say the same about you - he's working long hours to provide for your family, he may feel he has no choice, if you're not working. When my DD was that age, I just wanted my DP to have bonding time with her when he got home from work and I did the dinner and washed up but how you and your DP split things is for you two to decide between you, but don't forget to remind him that as your DC are young, they're a lot of work too, so it's not just the housework vs work. FWIW I worked PT on my DP's two days off so he had no choice but to do everything on those days (including washing his own workwear) and on our weeks off work, I refused to make dinner AND wash up, it was one or the other - many arguments about this last thing but we got there in the end!

People who work full time really do need some rest in the evenings and weekends

I'm up before my husband, running all day around after the kids, doing the housework, school runs, cooking, cleaning, meal planning, shopping, house admin, "wife work", homeworks, dropping/picking them up from clubs, medical/dental appointments, sitting through bastarding jo jingles, etc. I get to bed after my husband, and never get a full nights sleep because I'm solely responsible for the kids when their up during the night. My husband also gets 2 tea breaks and a lunch hour. I dont. He also gets private toilet breaks. I dont. He gets to shower privately. I have a 2 year old who screams loud enough to smash windows if I dont let her jump in with me.

I also really do need some rest in the evenings and weekends. Thankfully my husband isnt a prick and has eyes in his head to see all I do.

And for what it's worth, during our time as parents, I have worked full time, part time and been at home and being at home has been the hardest.

I also contribute financially as I'm SAVING my family £420/week on childcare, £100 a week on the cleaner we used to have to pay and the cost of running the second car we needed when I was working. So financially we are no worse off from me being at home, but happiness and time wise we are 100% better off.

My husband insists on a cooked breakfast on a morning before he goes to work OP.
So he gets up early enough to make that breakfast and clean up after himself.
If he dared to ask me to get up and do it, the only thing the frying pan would be seeing would be the back garden as it sails through the door.
When our kids were babies and toddlers, my husband worked full time, I worked part time. Every day without fail he would arrive home from work and immediately get stuck into whatever needed doing, whether it was the kids, a task or both.
When the last one went to school full time, I went back to work full time.
He even helped me with my studies so I could progress, in every way he could.
As far as he's concerned, we are both parents and therefore both responsible for ensuring everyone's needs are met as best we can.
We have 11 kids!!
You need to get firm OP. Set boundaries and consequences and stick to them.
Stop letting him treat you like a sop.
Have you asked yourself how he would react if he came home from work to find the house looking like it's been ransacked with last night's dirty dishes in the sink, beds unmade, a toddler running round half naked and mushing a banana into the sofa while you're playing the X box?
Give it a go and see how he reacts. Tell him ' sorry your tea isn't ready or your bath run, but this game is so good '.
Do it every bloody day until he gets the message if needs be.

Yanbu, it drives me crazy that housework or childcare is not deemed work, it’s unpaid work with way more hours than a regular job . So if he doesn’t appreciate the meals then stop them if he can’t chip in . Helpfully it will have an affect .
I live with a man child who doesn’t work many hours whilst I go to work and I still do all housework / childcare / all meals etc . I went ballistic about having to wash pots to cook dinners and refused to cook for him. He has now started washing them . Doesn’t do much else but that’s a win !

If he worked 8-4 he’d have to help out in the morning and then after work!

Before I had my daughter I worked full time, 3 bedrooms, living room kitchen, dog... And guess what? If I wanted a bath I'd have to run one myself. I also washed my own dishes, did my own washing, ironing, gardening, cleaning, shopping etc. I'm still here!

Why would you run a grown assed man a bath. Hes not 3

I am utterly HORRIFIED at the number of apologists on here, who can't read, and who don't think that running a house, while caring for two children, is "work", PLUS, ignore the fact that OP contributes financially, and who think OP is BU.

No wonder there are still so many boys growing into these men. They should be in the minority, and dying out now, not getting replaced with fresh new batches. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

OP, stop using up your savings. You are going to need them, and your DD will get over her upset, given time. You should not be staying with anyone just because she'd get upset if you split up. She's a child and doesn't understand, yet. Anyway, think of it as giving your children the chance to spend time with their dad EOW.

FFS, don't buy him a birthday present, and don't feel bad. He didn't did he? He didn't give a fuck. And for God's sake, don't have another baby. He just wants to keep you chained to the house, like every other FUCKING abuser.

Run him a bath? I would not do that. Although, it might be a mutual thing. Would he do it for you? If I was upstairs, I might do it for someone. With regards to housework, it really depends on how many hours you work. If he works FT (which he appears to - 7-5 is a really long shift) and you would PT, I would assume you would do most but he should do some. If one parent isn't working at all, I think they would do it all. I work PT so do most. However, this week, DH is on holiday so I am expecting not to do much (although I am quite a neat freak and he isn't) and he has been doing pretty much everything.

So very glad I am single.

To be fair, I've run a bath for my husband before, but I've usually had my bath in it before leaving the water in for him 😂

Your role in his life is as a servant.
I won't put up with that from any man but then I'm twice divorced for this very reason.
Is he worth it really?

Make sure your contraception is as secure as possible, there’s no need for you to have another kid, what possible reason does that man have for wanting another kid?! Ridiculous.
If you choose to continue to tolerate being treated with contempt, look up how vulnerable SAHPs are when they don’t have the legal protection of marriage, you are legally single, you’ve sacrificed your earning and pension to provide childcare for a boyfriend who doesn’t give a shit about you. Was he trash before you had kids with him? Genuinely baffled about what’s so attractive about dudes like this.

I really didnt expect so many replies to this, the majority is that IANBU, I didnt think I was, I wrote it in the heat of the moment, if i wasnt so grumpy i think id of been able to think more clearly and answer better on here

A lot of posters are focusing on the bath - I dont mind running him a bath, but its thoughtfullness on my part isnt it. I imagine its nice to come in and be able to jump straight into a warm bath without having to wait for it. It takes minimum effort from me but its a nice thing for me to do, i did post saying our hot water runs really slowly so i run it for him

He does occasionally run me a bath but its always when the DC are in bed and i think its more so he can play his xbox in peace

Broach that while he's in this phase of having realised that he's pushed his privileges a bit too far I havnt spoken to him yet, I was going to do a strike
But he came home, ate his tea & then went and washed the pots, we both played with the kids, all of us tidied the toys away and stuff, we both took them to brushed teeth & took them to bed and i went downstairs and sat on the sofa... he put a film on and asked for a cuddle then went and had his bath.... its been a very nice relaxed evening..... part of me was worried he'd read my post on here but if he has then its given him a kick hasnt it, or maybe he just realised i was being serious when i said id stop

I definetly need to speak to him about it properly, but if he carries on like he did tonight id be happy with that, id be happy for him to go on his xbox when the kids are in bed, im happy to still do his bath if he carries on like this.

Maybe we can do it where whoever washes up doesnt have to do help brush the kids teeth its a battle with the 2 year old!

OP, do not feel bad for wanting a healthy, respectful relationship, where you both work together as a team This sums it up well, I really dont think asking him to wash the pots after tea is work he has a cushy home life, 5 minutes of pot washing isnt an awful job for him, but it makes me feel less like a skivvy and more like a team

It sounds like he chooses to do the overtime rather than being at home to do his share and spend time with his DC I have pondered this

The difference between 2 and 3 children is huge, I wouldn't trust your husband and your marriage to get through it I have said this to him, I had PND with my 2 year old and only started to bond with him after his 1st birthday. I still feel guilty on him. I dont want that to happen again. My DS didnt have a proper mum for over a year, theres no way I am doing that to DS, hes not had a good mum for most of his life, having another only works well for DP, not any of us

FFS why are you using YOUR savings while also running the house 24/7 with no support, while he has downtime every evening & weekend & won't even mow the fucking lawn? Because, as a lot of posters have pointed out, i dont work, i felt really uncomfortable that i wasnt contributing but i have never looked at it as I also contribute financially as I'm SAVING my family £420/week on childcare, £100 a week on the cleaner I have never looked at it as saving money,

it's more that you feel not listened to, unappreciated and a skivvy exactly this

DD will get over her upset, given time. You should not be staying with anyone just because she'd get upset if you split up. She's a child and doesn't understand, yet

She got upset about it at school & spoke to her teachers & her behaviour changed at home and school when he was staying at his mums, i dont want to upset her again and i dont want to split up with him, when he is the man i met i am happy, but when he slides into this lazy entitled git it makes me reconsider being with him

Sounds like your actions tonight had some impact but don't let this be a one off. If he slips back into his old ways tell him he'll have to do even more overtime because you're getting a cleaner and gardener in because he won't do 50 /50 on the weekends and you need some down time like he has. You are a stay at home parent i. e. bringing up the DC not a housekeeper and he is not one of the DC!

He might get the picture if you get a regular night or day out friends... sounds like you need to break your routine