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Original poster

To not make his tea or run his bath

291 replies

NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 17:04

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 10/02/2020 17:37

Molly2017

So he works 9-5 with lunch breaks, tea breaks and a nice drive home?

Plus the sick days he gets off and holidays.

No doubt he get free time all weekend with a lie in?

I’ve been a SAHP and DH mucked in when he got home because he knew the day wasn’t over and we still had to feed and bath the kids put them to bed with a story, clean the kitchen and hang washing up.

Plus him doing his bit meant we both sat down by 8pm.

I think you’re making a rod for your own back, and go she’ll you when you return to work!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/02/2020 17:40

I’d not run his bath. However if you are home then then the housework should fall to you.

If DH was home all day and decided not to cook my tea as thought I should come home and clean after being at work for eleven hours whilst he had no job I’d be withdrawing financial support in return whilst I worked out a plan to leave.

I think if you opt out of the financial burden of providing for yourself and children then the other person shouldn’t have to do that plus extra.

caringcarer · 10/02/2020 17:41

You are his wife not his slave. He should be running his own bath. I would still cook for him though if you are SAHM and he seems to work long hours. Does he run your bath?

Original poster
NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 17:42

It's tricky because your job is the house. I stay at home too so I do 100% childcare and the house. I never poke the bear because I don't want to go out to work. My husband does all the money I do all the house/kid

DP wants a baby, i do not. I am only just getting a bit more "freedom" now the 2 year old is older and 5 year old started school in september. He wouldnt want to stay at home with a baby.... but neither do i. Not again

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/02/2020 17:42

he was too tired becayse he ate too much

GreenTulips · 10/02/2020 17:43

How do you think single people who work full time manage to look after themselves?

They cook and clean and wash hoover etc .... only in this case ‘DH’ has joint children who all need to be fed bathed and put to bed.

Is it fair OPs hours are 24 a day every day? Even the devil gets a day off.

AnnaMariaDreams · 10/02/2020 17:43

What hours do you work?
How old are the children? School age you have time to do things, preschool your job is childcare and jobs are split.
If you don’t work then I think you probably should do the majority on those days with weekends split 50/50.
If you’ve had a busy and tiring day he steps up because he loves you and wants to take the load off you.
If you work too then a more equitable split.
DH and I see ourselves as a team and both do jobs all the time to make the team work.
I was off today and did the school run, Pilates, supermarket shopping and batch cooked lunches and tea for the rest of the week. I work 3 days.
DH WFH today and he’s doing the ironing now.
Don’t marry a lazy man is my advice!

GreenTulips · 10/02/2020 17:43

Glad to u said no to a 3rd baby!!

caringcarer · 10/02/2020 17:48

Or you could run the bath, add lots of nice bath oil and then get into it leaving him to sort out kids. Wink

CakeandCustard28 · 10/02/2020 17:49

Don’t Blame you saying no to another baby. He sounds really lazy, stop doing everything for him and don’t have sex and when he asks why simply say “because laziness is unattractive dear.” Should give him a kick up the backside.

RedskyAtnight · 10/02/2020 17:51

So he works 6-5 and does the children's bath and puts them to bed? I think that's a reasonable amount for a weekday tbh. Unless you have particularly demanding children or ones with SN. And presumably the 5 year old is at school for a chunk of the day, so you only have 1 child most of the time?

On weekends you should split the jobs equally.

Berrymuch · 10/02/2020 17:52

I hate the idea that because you don't have a paid job you should do everything housework wise, no. He is a grown man, he can do some stuff around the house, FFS. YANBU.

Molly2017 · 10/02/2020 17:54

@greentulips
I hear what you are saying, but I still see Monday to Friday as 100% me. If it wasn’t all done by the time DH got in at 7, then I’ll finish off while he showers and eats. I generally get DC in bed before he is home, but even if i didn’t I’d still put them to bed alone.
I’m in a similar position to @Thornhill58 in that I don’t want to go back to work full time yet, so this is my contribution.

Baboomtsk · 10/02/2020 17:56

Don't have another baby if you don't want one.

As a sahp, how much of the housework do you think it would be fair for him to do? Given that he's working 11 hour days, I would have thought not much.

QI think that you should work that out first so you can both understand each other's expectations. Obviously, he needs to listen floor it to work.

Having a bath ready for someone is just a nice thing to do-provided you're getting on.

RibenaMonsoon · 10/02/2020 17:59

If you are SAHM I agree with doing majority of the housework, it's nice to get help with it though.
Running his bath though? Hmm

I wouldn't do that any more if I were you.
It would be a bit mean to cook for everyone and not him, but are there foods that he's not keen on? When I'm annoyed at DH I put sweetcorn in the dinner, he isn't a big fan and tends to complain. Which then prompts me to reply that when he is cooking, he can choose whatever he likes.
He tends to cook the next day Grin

Original poster
NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 17:59

I dont work no, I am going to look for a part time job when DC starts nursery, children are 5 & 3. Before 5 started school they were in nursery 3 hours a day,

Ive always done everything myself its just these past few months i have begun to notice how unfair things are. My birthday is very close to xmas and he didnt get me anything for either, ive felt even more unpareciated since then as silly as that sounds

Im happy to do the majority and i do it without complaining, but i think if im cooking tea and essentially his dinner the next day ( always make enough so he can take it in work next day ) then surely washing the pots after tea isnt a big deal

I got PND after 2 year old was born and i dont want to ever feel like that again, i know for a fact if im feeling resentful about the house and lack of sleep/have a newborn on top i will go down a bad route, im not willing to do that.

Funnily enough he came home tonight saying hes going to start having his bath after the kids have gone to bed Hmm and didnt say anything about tea but to be fair i didnt eat either so he might think ill cook for us later

Im not as grumpy as i was earlier, but i still feel put out, i dont ask for a lot at all, washing the pots every night would take him 10 minutes but it would make me feel like he actually listed and gave a shit as silly as that sounds

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 10/02/2020 18:00

Working 11 hour days and bathing the kids and getting them sorted for bed seems reasonable to me for a standard weekday.

3 bed house to keep on top of for someone not working/ not working full time is also reasonable, especially with a child in school most of the day.

However, his attitude of playing on his Xbox on a Sunday instead of mucking in is childish and lazy. At the weekend the domestic responsibility should be split.

HalfBiscuit · 10/02/2020 18:00

What?!

I have never in 10 years run DP a bath. Is this a thing other women do?

Is he disabled?

TreeClimbingCat · 10/02/2020 18:03

OP says he could work 8 hours but chooses to work longer.

I am a SAHM with two teenagers now. But Dh has always done lunches and dinners on a weekend as he enjoys cooking and he likes looking after us. He was and still is completely hands on as a Dad.

I think what you are asking is not unreasonable.

Drum2018 · 10/02/2020 18:04

Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him

Do you cut his toenails and blow his nose for him too? Tell the lazy git to run his own bath. He should of course help out with after dinner tidy up, kids bedtimes etc once he gets home. Your day doesn't stop as soon as he walks in, so why should his?

Hepsibar · 10/02/2020 18:07

Oh dear you've got into such a routine doing all these things because the lazy toad only does the things he wants to. And he is a lazy toad and is quite happy for you to run round him like a combination of his mother/nanny or a servant/handmaiden.

I think it will be very difficult to get him to alter his behaviour and I wonder if you could both go to Counselling to explore this and why he thinks it's ok.

LolaSmiles · 10/02/2020 18:10

TreeClimbingCat
Of course how much of a choice will depend on the job. There are many jobs l, especially salaried professional ones, with a certain set of hours where it's expected to do the extra to get the job done.

Eg I could walk out of school at 3:30 if we have no meetings. Of course I actually stay til 5/5:30 because lessons don't plan themselves and books don't mark themselves. DH cooks most nights. I'd be pissed off if he went round claiming "Lola is lazy and she chooses to do extra hours".

Of course, he could be taking the piss, but it's not unusual to have a role that isn't click watching.

suggestionsplease1 · 10/02/2020 18:12

From an efficiency perspective it sounds like it make sense to run him a bath if it takes half an hour to fill. It's just putting a plug in and turning taps on, it's not difficult and a small thing that could make life easier (is he in a physically demanding, sweaty job where he might want to hop in a bath straight away?)

But not getting you presents for your birthday and christmas, that's not on, unless you have some sort of agreement!

Definitely don't have a baby until you've resolved some things - but do you feel that you might both be feeling unappreciated by the other? Could he be thinking to himself 'I work my balls off for my family 50 hours a week in a really hard job and my partner doesn't even want to spend 30 seconds turning a tap on and putting plug in the bath'

Fairenuff · 10/02/2020 18:19

He works 50 hours a week OP. How many do you work?

Are you on duty 24/7?

He has weekends off, when do you get 2 days off?

I know a lot of people live like this but I couldn't do it.

RantyAnty · 10/02/2020 18:19

Hope he's getting paid for those extra hours.

So he can work normal hours but doesn't. Has he said why?

When do you get a day off?

He gets you nothing for your birthday or Christmas.

Does he actually do anything just for you?

I'm sure he's fine with you having another baby since he does fuck all with them.