To not make his tea or run his bath

[NameChangedBecauseIDid]

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

When i said he helped bathe the kids, brush their teeth & put them to bed. We bathe them every other night and it is both of us doing it,

When we brush their teeth and put them to bed it is both of us, one child each,

I do get up with DP everyday, I am on antidepressents which make me sleep heavily, so i get up with DP so im awake in time for the kids and so i can have half an hour or so to myself before i wake the kids up

DP's day is

5am - Get up - Have a brew
5:40 - Set off to work
6 - 5 - works - lunch break and 2 breaks inbetween

Comes home to his bath, spends 30/40 mins in it, has his tea, sits on his phone until its the kids bedtime, we both get them ready for bed, i come down down, clean up the kids toys, clean the dining room, whip round the front room again, hes on his phone or xbox. From tea till bed ill play with the kids, read DD her school book and just play with them etc

Weekends are exactly the same. I dont get lie ins, i dont get help on the weekends, i get up at the same time as him everyday so its not like im lying in bed whilst hes hard at work

If we have furniture delivered that needs building -- 2 ikea draws, kids spider swing, kids storage wardrobe thing --- it is me who puts them together, painting DC's rooms etc, its me. I also lawnmow the garden which is absolutelt massive - stuff like that i see as a mans job might be sexist but i do...... yet i still end up doing it!

I literally do everything 7 days a week and all i ask him to do back is wash the pots from tea. Its not a big task and i actually cant believe people think IABU

For a long time i havnt minded doing iy all by myself, but the more time goes on and the less i feel valued its really bothering me

Why is he more important than me because he works? Why is his free time more important than mine because he works? Why doesnt he have to tidy up after himself because he works? Why cant he wash up after tea just because he works?

I dont think i want to live like this any longer

I wont be raising my son to think just because he works he doesnt have to help his partner,

My sister works and her and her husband both share household chores, they both work long hours, my dad worked 7-5 but still did his fair share

I dont know how this has happened, ive tried to change things and he doesnt, aside from leaving him ( which i dont want to do! ) i just dont know how to make this fairer

This idea that just because a man works outside the home everything in the home should be sorted by the woman is bollocks. It's something I'm slowly drumming into DH's head too, though progress is slow.

He lives there, he is an adult, you work all day too, but your job happens to be unwaged and unrecognised as labour by state and society, meaning it lasts from the minute you get up until the time you go to bed.

His work isn't of any greater value than yours; this is the great misogynist lie that society has been led to believe. The fact is that if you weren't there he'd have to pay someone to perform all the labour you do, and it wouldn't be cheap.

He can run his own fecking bath. He's not four. You don't get the luxury of the day's work finishing at 5pm, so why should he?

The OP isn’t working all day and night though, it doesn’t that long to do the housework and cook a meal.

What do you think OP is doing - sealing her kids into a soundproof box all day @IceCreamAndCandyfloss?

Good luck with convincing your babysitter, childminder or nursery worker that you don't need to pay them because childcare doesn't constitute work @IceCreamAndCandyfloss.

He needs to sort out the plumbing situation pronto!
Then everyone in the house will be able to have a shower or bath when they want to.

Cooking shouldn’t be a problem as, presumably, you already had to cook for the entire family. You can wait for him to come home and you both eat together or if you eat with the children, you can re- heat his own meal whilst he puts the kids to bed.

And he needs to upgrade the dishwasher if washing up is such a chore for him.

Making supper, fine if you’re cooking for everyone, i wouldn’t draw him a bath though.

No, the OP said she runs him a bath and makes his tea.

Stop trying to posh up the OP.

He's being a selfish knob, you should both have equal leisure/down time.

Seems like you get half an hour each morning and he gets an awful lot more...

FamilyOfAliens best line I’ve seen in ages on here 😂😂😂

I love the way you include the cats in your list of chores OP haha.
To be honest your DH works a long day, you don't work at all so if I were you I would be very happy to wash the pots while he put the kids to bed every night. And then you both get to sit down for the evening together surely?

Go back full time then and split the household stuff equally like your sister does. We split everything 50/50 but I would expect if one of us wasn’t working that they look after everything household related

You don’t want your son believing he doesn’t have to help his partner around the house but aren’t you bothered he may grow up thinking women don’t work but men have too.

Are you for real, @JRUIN?

When you say you don't work at all, have you forgotten that she has 2 small children? What part of that is not work? All day? Then running round all evening too, while MrIWantMyBathRun fucks about on his phone?

Sounds as if the no effort for a gift for you at Christmas and your birthday has highlighted the fact he takes you completely and utterly for granted and it's flicked a switch in your head

I was hurt but as finances wernt great i tried not to be upset but then when he mentioned an abroad weekend away for his birthday in april i was and that really hurt

Nothing for my birthday but for his he wants an abroad weekend away? I dont think thats fair at all,

Id of bewn happy with a voucher

I hope you didn’t make him dinner, OP?

Apart from the fact OP has said that they share putting the dc to bed, they both do it.

In your situation OP I would go back to work and get a cleaner. It might cost what you earn but you are saving for a pension, building your own career and not being treated as a skivvy.

Your DH is also more likely to value your childcare when he has to pay towards someone else doing the role part time.

Sounds like you work more hours than he does. thats not fair. Explain to your DP that taking care of small children is a job. Housework is a job.
When he gets home it needs to be 50/50. The end.

@NameChangedBecauseIDid

80% of people think you are perfectly reasonable. Don't worry! This is MN, there will always be people who take different views but the general consensus is on your side.

Why is his work seen as more valuable? Because he's a man of course. It's no coincidence that the work women end up doing in the home rearing kids and keeping the home livable is rendered completely invisible to society. It's a very easy way to make sure men have a quiet compliant servant who keeps working round the clock and always feels guilty enough about how her poor man has to go out to earn a crust that she doesn't complain when he doesn't pull his weight.

This racket has been going on for centuries.

And tell him he’s getting the same birthday present he got you - fuck all!

Do you have access to money, OP? Do his wages go into a joint account?

What does he add to your life?

You don’t want your son believing he doesn’t have to help his partner around the house but aren’t you bothered he may grow up thinking women don’t work but men have too.

Oh do RTFT @IceCreamAndCandyfloss. The OP is hankering to get back to work, & will sort that out as soon as viable.

And NO woman should allow her son (or daughter) to grow up believing that men "help their partner around the house" FFS.
Here's why, if you still haven't worked it out - momminghard.com/i-dont-help-my-wife-you-shouldnt-either/

I would also tell DH that he isn't having anything for his birthday until you finally get something for yours.
So you are happy to go away for a delayed birthday trip for you.
You sound like your dh is totally taking you for granted.

love the way you include the cats in your list of chores OP haha

To be fair, they take up my time too! I feed them, change their litter trays, one has an eye infection so i give him antibiotoxlcs every 2 hours, then they spend the day crying to be let in and out

I don't understand the horror at running a bath.

It's putting a plug in, turning on a tap and going back in half an hour (op says it takes that long to run) to turn the tap off.

Of all the things I'd object to doing for a partner that isn't one of them. It's hardly manual labour

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. On the face of it at least. I don’t actually think he needs to be doing the dishes during the week. Given his hours of work.

The running the bath is a bit of a red herring as you have described why it’s an issue. It’s not really hard to run a bath. But I agree it sounds very outdated. It also adds to the flavour that you are being put upon. Only you know how much the running of the bath really features in your lives.

I have variously worked in an exceptionally demanding job (still do) and been the primary carer for pre-schoolers (all 3 now beyond that age). Personally, the time I was at home was a breeze in comparison to the job (that I love but find very taxing). Maternity leave x 3 - each time - was a proper respite. It’s not the same for everyone; I know that. But I do think you have got a bit out of kilter with what the different demands entail.

No excuse for him to be rude or entitled though. If it’s not working it’s better you split.

Gosh OP, no wonder you are fed up.
You are being completely taken for granted.
Your life sounds very grim.
I don't think you have any choice but to make his life a lot less comfortable.
Wishing you well.,💐

I don't understand the horror at running a bath.
Its servitude. Particularly when he never does it for her. My husband has run me a bath when I'm not well and vice versa. Expecting your daily bath to be ready for you because you can't possibly put yourself out to turn some taps is treating your spouse like a lowly servant. He's not Henry VIII and he needs to have a word with himself.

So he's working or commuting for 11. hrs 40 mins each weekday, or 58 hrs 20 total a week and you both sort the kids in the eve. To be honest I would be absolutely shattered after a week like that.

Do you need to do as much housework as you're doing? Is the 5 year old at school? Can you get some mornings or afternoons to yourself by having the 2 year old spend some time at a nursery? What about paying people to paint or put furniture together. Or at least not doing it on your own and waiting till you both can do it together?

Get a job and share the chores.