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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make his tea or run his bath

291 replies

NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 17:04

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

OP posts:
MrsT1405 · 10/02/2020 19:13

If you're a SAHP , then it's your job to do all stuff around the house. Its ridiculous to think your patner should do anything resembling work at home. By all means expect them to interact with the dc but not the job stuff. Fair enough if you work outside the house, then the chores should be shared, if not get yourself an 11 hour job outside the home and do your chores when you get home.

77seven · 10/02/2020 19:15

How can you know the exact moment he’s going to be in, so that the bath can be run? I mean if he was stuck in traffic for 20 mins, it would be cold and a waste of water. Confused

Schwesterherz · 10/02/2020 19:15

It's a tough one. We tried out having DH be the stay at home parent for a few months. Never again. When I was at home, I cleaned and cooked and did washing tidying shopping. Then I got a 60hr/WK job plus commuting, and had to hire a cleaner and do the washing myself at weekends. Thing is I don't feel like it's worth making a big deal about. It's frustrating ATM because we both work, but When I shortly back as SHM I won't expect anything.

Aridane · 10/02/2020 19:19

OP says he could work 8 hours but chooses to work longer

Lol - I ‘could’ work my hours but that’s really not the way it works. Choice but no choice

Aridane · 10/02/2020 19:20

I agree with @ZombieFan

So he works full time and your a SAHM. I would consider it your job to look after the house during the week, which includes meals. Would expect him to share the load at weekends. Obviously different when you get a job.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 19:21

If you're a SAHP , then it's your job to do all stuff around the house.

Even when it takes more than the 11 hours a day your partner spends at work?
Even on a saturday & sunday, when he is relaxing?
Even in the evenings, when he has clocked off from any responsibility?

What makes you feel that the DP has more right to leisure time than OP, @MrsT1405?

WardrobeJumper · 10/02/2020 19:21

YABU. You don't have a job, so of course you should do all the housework.

WizardOfAus · 10/02/2020 19:25

The problem is the Xbox. Throw it in the bin.

MarchDaffs · 10/02/2020 19:27

The people saying it's par for the course as OP is a SAHP seem to be forgetting about him being shit at weekend too. It's one thing arguing that his contribution is equitable during the week, quite another okaying this on days the working spouse is off.

OP, are those extra hours at work paid? If not, do you think he's doing them as a device to get out of doing more at home?

Sn0tnose · 10/02/2020 19:30

If you're a SAHP , then it's your job to do all stuff around the house. Its ridiculous to think your patner should do anything resembling work at home. By all means expect them to interact with the dc but not the job stuff.

This is utterly batshit. So you have two spouses. They get up at the same time and start work at the same time; one in paid employment and one in the home. Then the spouse in paid employment gets home and the sahp has to continue working, cooking dinner, running a grown man’s bath for him, washing up afterwards etc while he nods off in front of the tv because he’s a bit tired? Fuck that for a lark!

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 19:31

YABU. You don't have a job, so of course you should do all the housework.

Don't be ridiculous @WardrobeJumper.
By your 'logic'. OP should also be able to 'clock off' at 5pm like her DP does. She doesn't - because he won't do any work, paid or unpaid, after his wage-earning hours. But like you, he expects OP to.

Or did you think that the DC's sprang fully formed from her womb without DP's willing participation & agreement to have them, love them, & look after them?

If you think the sole contribution a man should make to childcare is financial, you are raising some very fucked-up kids. Or maybe you don't have any, which might be just as well. We don't need any more young women or men thinking the SAHP role abnegates the wage earner from any domestic contribution whatsoever.

ineedaholidaynow · 10/02/2020 19:32

What does he do at the weekends OP?

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 19:34

X-box & shirking I suspect, @ineedaholidaynow.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 10/02/2020 19:38

If you're a SAHP , then it's your job to do all stuff around the house. Its ridiculous to think your patner should do anything resembling work at home. By all means expect them to interact with the dc but not the job stuff.

I’m not sure if I should be shocked at this 1940’s reasoning being still around or wishing I could reincarnate as the husband of whoever wrote that shite Grin (sorry)

Bakedbrie · 10/02/2020 19:41

Assuming your DP works Mon-fri those are long long hours. Presumably he’s up at around 5am in order to be working at 6am? Are you also up at 5am OP?
So on those days, I bet he’s bloody knackered after the food hits his stomach. What i do think would be reasonable is for him to do is clear away his own plate, really as a courtesy as a respectful adult. No, you should not be running him a bath, you’re not his mum.
I also think at the weekends surely it might be nice on one day at least for him to take responsibility for cooking and tidying up to give you a break...even if he gets a takeaway etc - just for you to have a day off the chores. But i do think in principle if one person is working full time and one person is a SAHP then their remit is to support and pick up most of domestic the chores.

Bakedbrie · 10/02/2020 19:44

...and my views are not based on gender / marriage or stereotype, they’re just based on having a reasonable division of labour between people trying to live a happy and harmonious life.

BatShite · 10/02/2020 19:47

Yeah I expect xbox too, and whinging about being asked to do anything, possibly also ignoring the kids..knew a guy like this. On weekends he used to shut himself in his bedroom and shout at anyone who came in, basically avoiding his kids on his days off..awful Angry

Yeah, of course being at home, its expected you do more housework and such. But that doesnt make it..yu constantly working.

Weekends should be shared and any 'spare time' he gets you should also get tbh.

As I said, really I found being at home with the kids to be MUCH more stressful than working, and my job was probably a 'very stressful' one by todays standards..got so much more free time at work, and less whinging!

idontlike789 · 10/02/2020 19:56

I'm sorry have I just gone back in time to 1950 . You run him a bath !!!
Sorry making his tea but run a bath no no no .
I make my dh his tea when he's on a late shift and he is very appreciated .
Sorry I can't get my head round the bath thing Hmm

Sn0tnose · 10/02/2020 19:58

...and my views are not based on gender / marriage or stereotype, they’re just based on having a reasonable division of labour between people trying to live a happy and harmonious life.

While massively missing the point that this is not a reasonable division of labour. It’s one person working all day, coming home and putting his feet up, while the other person is working all sodding day and all evening too. How the fuck is that reasonable?!

HillAreas · 10/02/2020 20:00

What does he think would happen to his home and children if you clocked on and off shift at exactly the same time he did?
Stupid, lazy article Hmm

PhoneTwattery · 10/02/2020 20:02

DP wants a baby

Why?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/02/2020 20:03

The OP isn’t working all day and night though, it doesn’t that long to do the housework and cook a meal. Household where both adults work manage it around full time jobs.

GreyishDays · 10/02/2020 20:05

OP has two small children to look after too.

gamerchick · 10/02/2020 20:06

Sounds as if the no effort for a gift for you at Christmas and your birthday has highlighted the fact he takes you completely and utterly for granted and it's flicked a switch in your head.

You probably need a conversation with him. A proper one about the division of labour and the fact you feel unappreciated.

Tombliwho · 10/02/2020 20:08

Running a fucking bath for a man child does not come under the umbrella of housework. This thread is bizarre.
Yes if the sahp should be doing the house stuff. No they should not become a carer for a fully grown adult that can't be arsed look after themselves.