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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make his tea or run his bath

291 replies

NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 17:04

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 10/02/2020 20:34

80% of people think you are perfectly reasonable. Don't worry! This is MN, there will always be people who take different views but the general consensus is on your side.
And don't forget there's been a few of us who hold a middle ground about weeknights Vs weekends and think that weekdays sorting kids after an 11 hour day is reasonable and not cooking a meal for one person when you're already doing it would be petty, whilst also thinking he takes the piss in many other areas especially weekends.

ellelikespizza · 10/02/2020 20:36

Sorry OP but I do think you are BU. Working 6-5 must be exhausting!

ellelikespizza · 10/02/2020 20:38

Although on the weekends he should help out more

Frouby · 10/02/2020 20:40

I get that kids are hard. And I get you are tired too. But honestly? He does bath and bed for the kids after a nearly 12 hour day out working.

I have 2 kids. I have a 3 bed house. A dog. 2 ponies (admit they are on livery but I still go 4/5 times a week), Guinea pigs, 8 chickens, a big allotment we grow loads of fruit and veg on, a VAT registered limited company, another business that I spend 2/3 hours a day on 5 days a week and the dcs have various sports/hobbies they do.

I still do the house, cook 90% of our meals, , do all the wifework and domestic chores and generally drudgery because DH is out working similar hours to your dh. He does do bedtime with our youngest and occasionally cooks on a Saturday night.

I am also starting an OU degree in October.

There are many people on here who do more than me and you put together. Work 60 hour weeks and still come home and do all that we do.

It's hard when you have little kids. But if he's doing bedtime, cook while he's doing that. Run him a bath if it saves time for everyone or sort out your water pressure or have a power shower fitted.

But from where I (and many others) am sitting your life looks cushdy. Get a jon outside the home and split the inside the home division more fairly if that's what you want. But he's out of the house nearly 60 hours a week as the only breadwinner. I'd expect my tea on the table if there was a sahp.

Am definitely not a 1950s throwback either. I just think it should be fair.

msflibble · 10/02/2020 20:41

Everyone going on about the 11 hour work day...

Is commuting actually that tiring? If he's driving, maybe a bit. Sitting on a train or bus is actually very peaceful. And my DH was always honest about how going to work was much, much easier than childcare, which OP is doing all day, and all week, with no breaks.

They are both working hard. The difference is, only one of them is acknowledging this fact.

strawberry2017 · 10/02/2020 20:42

I don't think you are unreasonable. It's ones thing.
I get that yes you are the SAHP but that doesn't mean you never ever get a break.
He's a dick, he's selfish

RedskyAtnight · 10/02/2020 20:43

Not the point of the thread i know, but get your DC into the habit of tidying up their own toys before they go up for bath/bed. While they are doing this you/DH can run the hoover round/clean the dining room if this is needed. Then once the DC are in bed, no one needs to do any more chores.

ineedaholidaynow · 10/02/2020 20:43

When OP goes back to work how much housework do you think her DP will do, based on how much he currently does at a weekend?

JaniceBattersby · 10/02/2020 20:44

Sorry OP but I do think you are BU. Working 6-5 must be exhausting!

Yes, working 6-5 must be exhausting for both the OP and her husband so why should she have to work an extra two hours on top, and do everything at the weekends?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 10/02/2020 20:44

Frouby said it better (and harsher), but truer than I had the courage to. Do you want to swap with your husband? I’ve been in both the roles. I’m absolutely clear in my mind which is easier.

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 20:48

Far easier going to work actually.

Only have to think about yourself all day.

Looking after 2 small kids is far harder - I couldn't do it.

MarchDaffs · 10/02/2020 20:49

He's not even doing an 11 hour work day. OP corrected herself, 7 to 5. That's 10 hours assuming no break.

OP is the overtime paid or do you just think he's doing it to get out of doing more at home?

fairlyplump · 10/02/2020 20:49

so your at home all day with a 2yr old, the 5yr old is at school, and he works all day, mmmmm come on its not that hard, I have been there done that and got the t shirt

midwestspring · 10/02/2020 20:50

I also have experience of being a SAHP for young dc and working in a difficult job.
I went to work for a break. It was bliss compared to looking after small dc at home. I made no money at first because nursery was so expensive for my two, I didn't care.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 10/02/2020 20:50

It’s just not the same though. Not every minute of being with young children is ‘work’. Actually very little of it is. Most of it was an absolute picnic (literally and metaphorically) compared with my day job. I still miss those months of maternity leave - even though they are a distant memory.

JRUIN · 10/02/2020 20:51

Are you for real, @JRUIN?

When you say you don't work at all, have you forgotten that she has 2 small children? What part of that is not work? All day? Then running round all evening too, while MrIWantMyBathRun fucks about on his phone?

Oh come on looking after two kids (and 4 cats) is not that hard. I used to look after 5 kids (and 3 dogs) whilst my husband worked long hours. After dinner (that I cooked) one of us washed up and ran the hoover round while the other got the kids bathed and bedded, then we both sat down together in the evening. At weekends we shared all the chores equally I have never ever ran a bath for him or any other man though

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 10/02/2020 20:52

It is fascinating how the different experiences add up. Life is a rich tapestry indeed. I acknowledge that my experience has been different to others.

ineedaholidaynow · 10/02/2020 20:54

Frouby does your DH recognise your birthday and Christmas?

I'm also assuming you don't have a child at home if you manage to go to the stables 4 or 5 times a week

RedskyAtnight · 10/02/2020 20:55

He's not even doing an 11 hour work day.

in the OP and post of 20:11, OP said he was.

frazzledasarock · 10/02/2020 20:55

Am I the only one reading the updates?

OP said her DP’s work is a 20 minute walk away, no long commute.

And he chooses to work 7-5 instead of the 8-4 hours he is contracted. My DP used to do that before we got together because he had nowhere else to be.

Also the DP does not do bath and bed for both dc, he takes one and OP takes one dc.

I’d stop doing his laundry as well, and tell him you’re too busy washing pots from tea to think about going away on holiday for us birthday.

Get back into work ASAP OP, it doesn’t sound like your situation is tenable, give yourself options by having an income.

Lol he wants another baby, yeah I bet he does, he gets to piss about whilst you’re a SAHM, won’t be such a picnic when you can turn around and tell him you work too and apparently that renders one incapable of doing anything aside from playing on the Xbox and pissing about on your arse on the phone all when at home.

GrumpyHoonMain · 10/02/2020 20:59

I think the best way around this is to make him pay for the help he refuses to give you - so pro-rata cleaner, cook, childcare.

TheReef · 10/02/2020 21:03

It should be 50/50 as soon as he gets home.

He's taking the piss op.

Frouby · 10/02/2020 21:06

@ineedaholidaynow absolutely he does.

Youngest dc is 6 so full time school now. But before that he came with me to stables, any horsey will have done the same. Did a pony in DIY livery so twice a day while dd was tiny as well.

My dh is loving, caring and affectionate. He works his bollocks off as do I. But my day is spent at my own pace. I can choose not to work as hard some days. Have a cuppa when I feel like it. Sit on my arse and watch daytime TV. Could even have a nan nap if I wanted to. Dh can't. He's out of the house at work.

Have done 12 and 14 hour shifts myself. They aren't fun. If someone was at home SAHPing like fuck I'm going to come in start hoovering round. I would absolutely want to put my dcs to bed because I wouldn't have seen them all day and it's lovely to have that 1 to 1 time.

My dh respects what I do and says he couldn't and wouldn't want to do what I do. But equally I wouldn't want to do what he does either. It's about having mutual respect for the value that each partner brings to the family.

The OP has 2 dcs and some pets. Loads have it much harder. It's easier for 1 person to be cooking and feeding the dcs while the other has a bath. Easier if it was a shower but that doesn't work in the family. Running the bath means he has more time to spend with his dcs.

It's not about being taken for granted it's about what works for the family unit.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2020 21:09

All would be fine if he did share chores at the weekend though but he does sod all. OP even does all the diy and gardening as well.

Also, regarding his birthday, make the same effort as he made for yours. If you want to be generous, get a small token from the kids.

msflibble · 10/02/2020 21:09

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood
I'm glad you can acknowledge your experience was different! Being SAHM was no picnic for me. Both my kids were lovely but still children who needed constant engagement and slept badly. It was exhausting and work is a billion times easier. DH did 3 months of childcare when I wanted to work again and said it was the most challenging thing he'd ever done. I still did all the housework in that time of course.