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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make his tea or run his bath

291 replies

NameChangedBecauseIDid · 10/02/2020 17:04

For over 6 months now i have been asking DP to help more around the house because he does literally NOTHING to help housework wise. He will help brush the kids teeth, bathe them and put them to bed though, he works fulltime, i dont, he thinks because he works and brings in money that it means he doesnt have to help with housework, he works 6-5

The only thing i ask for help with is if he will tidy the kitchen after tea, i doliterally everything housewise - 3 bed, dining room , front room, kitchen, 4 cats, 2 kids, - i dont think asking to do the pots is a mahor task compared to all other household tasks!

I gor upset last weekend and told him if he didnt help id stop doing things for him, he tidied the kitchen for 2 days ina row,

He Was too tired yesterday from the full sunday i made, despite all him doing was nipping to the shop and playing on his xbox!

Im not being unreasonable to stop doing things for him am i? Hes going to come home soon and hell be in a strop when he realises ive not ran him a bath and theres no tea in the oven for him,

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 10/02/2020 18:21

Are you a SAHP, if so you could do most of the “wife work” whilst he is at work doing the “man work” - those terms are tongue in cheek BTW. Perfectly acceptable, that’s your work done and he’s done his. When he gets home he helps with the little ones. Tea can be prepped and made during your working day.

I personally don’t think the making tea is an issue, but running the bath is, i am afraid, akin to cleaning his shoes and a joke.

Squashpocket · 10/02/2020 18:21

I'm like pp - I don't want to work outside the home at the moment, so I do everything housework and childcare related as my contribution. Including extra things that make my husbands life easier, like you running his bath. It sounds to me like you don't want to SAH any more, which is totally understandable. Could you work PT and ask your DH to cut down his hours a bit, so he's able to contribute to the housework more?

LoonyLunaLoo · 10/02/2020 18:22

But if he’s putting the kids to bed AND washing up, what are you doing in this time? TBH, I think it’s enough that he’s putting the kids to bed after 11 hours at work. Fair enough, he should help more at the weekend.

You say he’s have to do everything himself if he was single, but you’d have to work if you were single to be fair.

Not running him a bath is fair enough but not cooling for him when you have to cook for yourself and the children is just petty.

Straycatstrut · 10/02/2020 18:23

This was pretty much the set up with me and my ex. I did all the housework/cooking/day time childcare etc. He worked all day, super long commute, got in 7.00ish knackered (as was I) and would bath, dress and read to the (very hyper to see him, bouncing all over the beds) boys. Oh my god I was SOOOOO glad of that rest, that hour and cup of tea to myself without "mam, mam, mammy, mammmy mammyyyyy!" it was bliss. I don't get that ever now.

I don't think it sounds that unfair tbh. It'll have to even up a bit when you're working and both kids are are in school & Nursery though.

Sounds to me like he wants a 3rd baby to keep you the doting housewife if he isn't interested in dropping his own hours at all. Nay to that.

tenlittlecygnets · 10/02/2020 18:25

Does he get paid for all the extra hours he does? Why on Earth work longer than you have to?

How many hours per week does he work? You need to talk to him. Spell it out. Say you are a partnership and he needs to be pulling his weight.

DessertQueen · 10/02/2020 18:25

What's wrong with running baths? confused

Me and my DH do it for each other

Under these circumstances, nothing.

Butterymuffin · 10/02/2020 18:25

My birthday is very close to xmas and he didnt get me anything for either

That's not good and he has no excuse when you can order off the internet so easily. He's treating you like a housekeeper rather than a partner.

When's his birthday? Don't bother with it this year.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 18:28

He works 11 hours a day (commuting on top of that) so he could genuinely be too tired to help.

Oh good grief @Geminijes.
What do you mean by "help"?
Why is it "help" for an adult to take some part in running his own household?

OP also works 11 hours a day (with DC, household chores, all the mental load, not to mention all these baths she has to run for an able-bodied adult) so she also could genuinely be too tired to help.
How does that not occur to you?
Or do you feel that only work that produces cash is tiring?

Blondie1984 · 10/02/2020 18:29

And stop ironing his pants too - that will show him!

SunshineCake · 10/02/2020 18:31

I've been at home since newly pregnant with my son who is now 18. We have three kids, numerous animals and a big house. As soon as dh gets home he does what needs doing. 99.9% of the time dinner is ready or nearly ready but if I don't want to cook he'll just crack on with it. He has never said what have you done all day? I'm not doing X as I earn all the money etc.

Sort this now and get yourself some security.

ZombieFan · 10/02/2020 18:32

So he works full time and your a SAHM. I would consider it your job to look after the house during the week, which includes meals. Would expect him to share the load at weekends. Obviously different when you get a job.

As for running the bath, does it really matter either way, it is literally just turning a tap on.

Definitely dont have a 3rd baby.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/02/2020 18:34

If he were single he would have to do the housework or hire a cleaner but he’d also have his full salary and wouldnt be paying for the every need of another adult. You’d have to also look after a house and work so that goes both ways.

BatShite · 10/02/2020 18:36

YABU for periodically running a bath and cooking for a man who seemingly refuses to even help a little bit. Not unreasonable AT ALL to stop doing all the stuff you do for him. If, as it seems playing on a computer and going to the shop are classed as too much for him, fuck that shit. I could not live with such a useless bloke.

RandomMess · 10/02/2020 18:36

Do you have equal leisure time?

Regardless of who works who doesn't you're a partnership and should get a similar amount of "downtime" over each week.

Rubbish if you don't!

BatShite · 10/02/2020 18:39

I do think if you are a SAHP then you should do more of the housework though. But not all.

It was the other way round for us for a long time, he wa the stay at home parent. But when I finished work, I did my share, same on weekends. I also acknowledged that he 'worked' all day really, when they were small. Never getting a break so would purposely take them into our room or something when I came in from work, just to make sure he got a little bit of a break. Took them out a lot on weekends too and let him lie in.

Honestly, having done both, the working and being at home..I think being at home and running the house basically was MUCH harder work, much more stressful and relentless. At work I got quiet, and breaks. Sometimes, it felt like being able to leave the house whilst the kids were screaming was a break, despite only leaving as on way to work!

billsmothers · 10/02/2020 18:43

You run a bath for him? Dear god, do you also let him wipe his feet on you when he gets home from a hard day at work?

Stop enabling him to behave like he's the head of household with a little wifey at home to pander to his every need.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/02/2020 18:45

So he has an 8 hour day with 20 minutes commute each way and thinks that absolves him from any housework??
Nah mate. If he was a surgeon working 70 hours a week and bringing in shitloads of money with which he funded a cleaner then I'd think ok, but he's just doing a regular day's work. I do that then come home and cook dinner, wash up, tidy, sort out laundry etc etc. It's tiring but it's fucking life when you have kids.

WwfLeopard · 10/02/2020 18:51

Lmao! As if you do all that for a grown man, I don’t run my teenagers bath & he’s perfectly capable of making his own T

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 10/02/2020 18:51

Of course YABU, why on Earth have you been running him a bath? I read the title and I thought you were talking about a 5 year old.

Limbicsystem · 10/02/2020 18:56

i cant imagine living like that, it must be really frustrating for you.
if youre asking for help he should be supporting you.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/02/2020 18:58

I do the housework in our house as I only work for a few hours a day.Ill run dh a bath if I'm in the bathroom anyway.
He mucks in though and if I asked him to do a chore he would.Its give and take isnt it.

Cherrysoup · 10/02/2020 19:05

Tricky. When my dh is off, he does all the cooking, but I still need to do the washing/housework, he’ll be doing something like fitting a new kitchen/the finances/applying for a new mortgage, so fair enough. When I’m off, I do everything, organise workmen etc.

However, the no presents for birthday/Christmas would be a dealbreaker for me.

Yogawoogie · 10/02/2020 19:09

‘ could work from 8-4 but chooses to work 7-5 so even if he is tired, he does it to himself, no one is forcing him to work thosr extra hours ’

But he earns money for this? He is providing for the family, it’s ridiculous to be cross with him for that.

He is taking the piss if he thinks that having a bath run and a meal cooked is his right but maybe he doesn’t? Maybe you just do it?

We occasionally run each other baths as a nice gesture. Neither of us expect it, it’s just a nice thing to do.

Sn0tnose · 10/02/2020 19:11

He works 11 hours a day (commuting on top of that) so he could genuinely be too tired to help.

And how many hours do you think the OP works? Do you think she gets an hour to herself for lunch? Or a morning and/or afternoon coffee break? Do you think she gets to clock off after eleven hours of kids and housework? No. Of course she bloody doesn’t! And he isn’t ‘helping’. He lives there too. It’s half his house, half his washing, half his ironing, half his family to feed.

OP, in your position, I would do exactly the same as him from the time he gets home. If he clocks off at 6pm, then so do you. Ask him what’s for dinner because you’re starving. And if that doesn’t work, tell him that there are few things less attractive than a man child and you’re starting to consider him as more of a third child and less like someone you like and fancy.

Confuddledtown · 10/02/2020 19:11

I'm a SAHM and my husband absolutely helps when he is home. When he is working at his job, I'm working in our house. Once hes home everything is split, then we both get downtime and an hour or two to relax in the evenings. Honestly, reading some of these posts and threads on here of SAHP and how they're thought of and treated, I really appreciate how supportive and fair and reasonable my husband is and how lucky we are to gel as a team.