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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH and DD bathing

464 replies

disintegration · 10/02/2020 15:43

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

OP posts:
Lipperfromchipper · 10/02/2020 17:49

I get in the bath with both of my dc... Confused they are 4 and 6. Well actually in theory they both get in with me! And also now that I think of it we have all shared at bath together...all 4 of us!!!it was a random morning, we were getting ready for a wedding and I hopped in the bath with dd, then DS hopped in, and then DH got in for a few mins to rinse off 🤣🤣 I think we were all in for a minute or two before dd and I got out to dry our hair!!

ScreamingLadySutch · 10/02/2020 17:50

"I just think she's only a year or so off starting to develop (I was early)"

this is related to weight. The lighter DD is, the later she will hit puberty.

Stop buying all junk food, no biscuits crips or anything, more vegetables, increase exercise, subtly cut portion size, cook food from scratch (how you can vastly increase veg into food, spag bol for instance 70% vegetable)

and you can put it off to 13.

Promise this is true, Professor Robert Winston dealt with it in his documentary about children.

Okki · 10/02/2020 17:50

My Dad used to walk around naked - it was decided that I would tell my Mum when I was uncomfortable and she would tell him.

DH stopped bathing with DD when she pulled his penis. Grin so she was about 3.

It's different for everyone, but if your DD know she can tell you when she wants to stop that should be fine. She could always go and sit in the bathroom and chat without getting in the bath.

disintegration · 10/02/2020 17:50

Sorry was doing the school run! Interesting thanks all. voting pretty conclusive. The outraged responses are making me feel defensive though, as I can assure it you it a very innocent and sweet bit of bonding they do together. He is sad / upset because of time moving on / daughter growing up, that's all.

I appreciate for those who have never bathed with their children it would seem odd anyway, but really they've always done it (I hate baths). I really can't stress how big the bath is, I can't touch the ends, so they definitely aren't squashed together, for those who think that is the inappropriate bit.

He used to bathe with his DF and it is one of his fondest memories, he died last year so maybe that's playing into this.

I will show DH some of the responses later, not those who have sexualised this or moved onto to abuse already as those really would upset him!

OP posts:
scrivette · 10/02/2020 17:52

I saw my parents naked from older than 10. At about 11 I didn't really want to see my Dad naked anymore as I felt uncomfortable.

I still see my Mum naked now if she is getting dressed and vice versa, it's really not been an issue.

My children see me without any clothes on, it wouldn't bother me bathing with them (eldest is 8) apart from the fact there isn't really enough room and I stick the little ones in the bath together.

They all happily walk into the bathroom when I have a wee though.

woodhill · 10/02/2020 17:52

It's not something that ever happened in my family
. I like my privacy as did my dps

loserssaywhat · 10/02/2020 17:52

Everyone is different but I'd have thought when they start school it's probably a good time to end it.
8 seems a bit old to me but I'm not you. My 5 year old still strips off when she sees me or her dad going for a shower she just likes being in there with one of us.
There wouldn't be much room in the bath for my dh and a 5 year old much less an 8 year old.

BraveGoldie · 10/02/2020 17:53

It's a tricky one. The concerns, obviously about ending up imposing inappropriate physical intimacy on a child are totally right.

However, something we speak about less are the dangers of making a child feel rejected or growing up with a sense that their bodies are ugly/ untouchable/ dirty/ unloveable, and not feeling comfortable or confident giving and accepting physical intimacy.

Children learn all these wonderful things from their parents - from skin to skin touch, and physical expressions of love, shared innocently and without undue anxiety. Those who are ultra careful risk doing damage in that direction.

Strangely it's possible to suffer from both at once. My father didn't abuse me, but had a sexual energy and connection with me that looking back in retrospect, was unhealthy. Perhaps because of this, he also shut me off physically. (The first generally happened when he was drunk, the second when sober)...Both did me some damage. A strange mix of believing my sexuality was dangerous and too much and I had to suppress it, and believing I couldn't possibly be desireable to anybody and that my body was and should be invisible.

I think rather than any absolute marker of contact (like an age to stop having baths), what matters is the healthy, groundedness that the adult projects - the unsexualized, but not unphysical love they can share with their child. If that is there, the child absorbs the same. If that is not there, it can be scary for a child, regardless of what is actually done/ not done.

LonginesPrime · 10/02/2020 18:00

OP, I'm sure it's not that anyone thinks your DH is a potential abuser, it's about missing a trick when it comes to safeguarding as there are potential abusers out there.

Presumably DD has been taught that her privates are private and that no-one should be touching or looking at parts that would normally be covered by underwear, etc.

If you have exceptions to this rule, I think it's imperative for your DD's safety that the reasons for these exceptions are openly discussed with everyone involved, so that DD can still use the rule to keep herself safe at brownies/dance recitals/swimming, etc. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop her thinking that there are other exceptions too, and the rule is useless.

74NewStreet · 10/02/2020 18:04

I think it’s quite weird that your dh is “upset” at the thought of his shared baths coming to an end. Really very odd.
Can he really not think of something else they can do together??

NeverGotMyPuppy · 10/02/2020 18:07

Why would it be weird? If they have been doing it for a long time it's a sign that she is growing up.

God why does everyone have to find a nefarious line to everything?!

Crystal87 · 10/02/2020 18:09

It's inappropriate. I can't imagine most men would be comfortable having their penis on show to a young girl, even if it is their daughter. Does he not want privacy?

Thebishopofbanterbury · 10/02/2020 18:09

Yes I'm sorry I find it weird and think this whole thread is very odd!

firesong · 10/02/2020 18:10

My dd barged with her dad until last year when she was 8 - she said it felt "embarrassing". She isn't developed / in puberty yet. But he respected that and stopped. And then this year she told me she wanted to wear a swimsuit when bathing with her toddler brother. So she does that from time to time but mainly bathes alone now.

painintheholeSIL · 10/02/2020 18:11

I wouldn't like it personally but each to their own. But the poster who said "I used to hop in the bath with DM and/or dsis into my twenties... that's just weird. Really really weird.

firesong · 10/02/2020 18:11

Oops - bathed! Not barged

74NewStreet · 10/02/2020 18:11

And then the request to ask Mumsnet what they thought about it! instead of conceding gracefully that it’s inappropriate. Weird, weird, weird.

firesong · 10/02/2020 18:12

And yes, I agree with some earlier posts that they just stop when one of them feels weird about it

Hepsibar · 10/02/2020 18:14

Ummm I feel it is quite late now. I think the last bath I had with mine was when they were 4.

But there's still lots of fun things to do we used to play hand table tennis which was hilarious albeit the bathroom got very wet.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 18:15

It does make sense @YgritteSnow because each child is different and making her feel unwanted, rejected or sexual before her time is wrong.

Hepsibar · 10/02/2020 18:16

Hand table tennis, I sat on loo, full clothed and son (in bath) served ball with hand and I had to hit back remaining seated on loo. Seeing how many consecutive passes.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 18:17

Oh shock horror a penis on show!!! Did I really just read that?

PixieDustt · 10/02/2020 18:18

I think it’s quite weird that your dh is “upset” at the thought of his shared baths coming to an end. Really very odd.
Can he really not think of something else they can do together??

This.

cardibach · 10/02/2020 18:20

Screaming this is not necessarily true this is related to weight. The lighter DD is, the later she will hit puberty. It may be true on average, but DD was skinny, skinny and weighed next to nothing and started her periods at 9.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 18:22

@PixieDustt would it be weird if mum was sad their chats in the bath were coming to an end? Newsflash :being a man does not make you a paedophile