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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and DD bathing

464 replies

disintegration · 10/02/2020 15:43

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

OP posts:
MitziK · 10/02/2020 17:21

I do think your DH is right that it is coming up to time when actually being in the bath together needs to stop, as she's getting tall enough to actually be in physical contact with him.

However, I don't see all men as instantly turning into the family paedophile when their daughter reaches 4 foot 6 in height or that a child will think if they Dad lets them bath together that any man is entitled to do so. Maybe a way to change things could be that she sits and talks to him, passes him a towel (so he covers himself getting out) and then she gets in.

He could still wash her hair for her and sit in a bathrobe as she chatters instead, and perhaps once she's out and all wrapped up in her bathrobe, he could dry her hair for her - all nice, caring things to do that maintains their close relationship, but as a Dad and his daughter, not as his baby girl.

JosefKeller · 10/02/2020 17:21

If daddy is happy in the bath with the door open, and kids are free to go in and out of the bathroom, that's absolutely fine.

However, daddy AND mummy should start knocking at the door at the very least when an 8 year old is in the bath.

Just basic respect

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 17:22

In terms of this bath situation it’s not in appropriate. It will change very soon given her age. Don’t try to compare this to some kind of sexual abuse.

saraclara · 10/02/2020 17:23

The daughter is the one that chooses to get in. She is not yet a sexual entity, so she's comfortable with doing so. At some point soon, she won't be and she'll stop. I think that's better than her dad effectively rejecting her and making her feel that she's been doing something wrong.

The alternative is for your DH to change his routine so that she's otherwise occupied when he has his bath.

saraclara · 10/02/2020 17:24

Dh decided to cover himself up the day dd hid her body from him

Now that's entirely sensible and thoughtful.

PanicAndRun · 10/02/2020 17:24

DD stopped with OH when she was 6. One day she just said no to having a bath with daddy and he never asked again.
She's now 8 and still pops in the bath with me every now and then.

My mum was outraged at the sheer idea of DD having a bath with OH no matter what age..." I've never even seen your grandad in pyjamas,much less naked".
My mum has issues... we don't.Grin

Home42 · 10/02/2020 17:26

I bath with my DD, she turned 9 last month. She is a “young” 9. She nags me to join her in the bath. We play with barbies.

We are naked a lot. When she starts showing signs of needing privacy I’ll start reducing my nakedness around her

GetOffYourHighHorse · 10/02/2020 17:26

'How does a child learn what's appropriate if not from the adults around them?'

Yes leaving it to a DC to decide is totally flawed, they don't always know and they can't always process feelings or express themselves.

Bathing with toddlers is one thing, not 8year olds.

WhatAGreatDay · 10/02/2020 17:28

Do you have a water shortage? I'd say about 4 years old is the time to stop. 8 is too old and is frankly a bit weird. Can't the girl have some privacy/peace? Isn't he taking up most of the space anyway?

I can understand the need for "quality time", but reading a bedtime story would be more appropriate.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 17:29

I agree with @saraclara about making the child feel she’s done something wrong. I was once play fighting with my elder(by 4years) brother and my DGM made a comment about it being inappropriate. At first I didn’t understand what she meant then when I realised I was mortified and embarrassed that she could have thought that about a laugh I was having with my brother. He was really embarrassed too. Don’t do that to her!

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2020 17:29

I think 8 is an age where our society deems it to be appropriate that people have more privacy, particularly around different sex people. Changing rooms are tolerant of opposite sex children til 8 years old, at school by KS2 children start to get changed in separate areas etc.

I agree with everyone that your DH needs to find a nice way to phase it out and add in some different but equally nice quality time. If I were him I'd be breaking the habit of the every Sunday morning bath, and having a shower for a couple of weeks etc. Add in a new habit at the same time - reading aloud together in bed? - and then it will fade naturally.

We are relaxed about nudity too but there does come a time where you need to start tightening up a bit for everyone's sakes, I think.

HannaYeah · 10/02/2020 17:30

It’s time to stop it.

In fact, if she mentioned it to school friends I’ll bet most would go “ewwww”.

Northernsoullover · 10/02/2020 17:30

I hate these threads. So many posters 'oh we are all sooo cool because in our house we let it all hang out'. Let me be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if thats what you are comfortable with but there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with those of us who aren't either. My children were self conscious from quite young. I don't know why but I respect their boundaries. I like covering up personally because I am always flipping freezing bar the very rare heatwaves we have. No other reason.

BMW6 · 10/02/2020 17:31

I used to bathe with my Dad until one day when I asked what was that thing floating on the surface (circa 1962 so shallow baths to conserve hot water)
Joint bathing immediately stopped - I was 3 or 4 Smile

MashedSpud · 10/02/2020 17:31

Get a hot tub, everyone wear swimming stuff and problem solved.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 17:32

Yes @northern but I am also not a weirdo for being more relaxed with nudity.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 17:33

A pair of pants/trunks makes abuse impossible Hmm

Buddyelf · 10/02/2020 17:35

I voted incorrectly, misread the choices I’m afraid, sorry OP I think it’s inappropriate. My DH stopped bathing with the girls when they were 2/3. I have an 8 year old and they’d never bath together now. He’s happy to pop in and help wash her hair etc but he’d never get in with her.
I must say though only because he is uncomfortable with her seeing him naked, she probably would jump in the bath with him if he let her but he doesn’t because he’s aware at this age some boundaries need to be made.

BlueJava · 10/02/2020 17:36

I'd say that should finish pretty soon to be honest. As a "test" ask him how would he feel if she mentioned it to teachers that she "baths with daddy". It may be sweet when they chat away, but others can look on things very differently.

TwitcherOfCurtains · 10/02/2020 17:37

All mum or dad has to say is something along the lines of "you're getting rather tall now, no space in the bath anymore! What would you like us to do together instead?" and offer some suggestions.

Clymene · 10/02/2020 17:39

If it's led by her, it's fine. She will stop when she feels uncomfortable

dottiedodah · 10/02/2020 17:41

If they are both happy ATM I cant really see any harm TBH. Obviously if she starts to feel uncomfortable ,then maybe then would be the time to stop .We live in a society that seems to see something sexual around every corner and its a shame . If she does decide to stop maybe they could go swimming instead ? I used to swim every week ,with my DF and it was very bonding .My swimming isnt great but I liked going with him and splashing around.We would then go and have a Bovril from the machine and warm up!

YgritteSnow · 10/02/2020 17:44

Is there any person on here who bathed with a parent or saw their parents naked when they were 8 or older. If you did, how do you feel about it now? If you didn't, do you feel like you missed out?

I don't understand this she will let you know, it's not up to her to do that! She will probably feel uncomfortable before she's able to express that. We support our children to learn to communicate in almost every other situation but according to MNetters when it comes to sharing intimate space it's on the child to communicate their discomfort with it, without us guiding them. Makes no sense.

whatthehelldowecare · 10/02/2020 17:47

Another one for taking the lead from your DD.

My DP used to help his DD10 in the shower (we don't have a bath) until about 18 months ago. At which point she asked for me just to come in and help her rinse her hair etc. Then about a year ago, that stopped and now she's very keen on her privacy for washing/dressing etc, and that's fine - her call!

Minxmumma · 10/02/2020 17:48

Ok so I never bathed with my Dad, however right up until I moved out at 18 I used to sit next to the bath while my dad was scrubbing after work. It was really the only time I could guarantee to have his undivided attention and some quality time together. We shared a pint as I got older and put the world to rights.

10 years later he had an epic car crash and required a lot of personal care, so Mum and I took turns in supporting with him.

Maybe this (without the pint ) is a good middle ground

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