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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and DD bathing

464 replies

disintegration · 10/02/2020 15:43

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

OP posts:
Cocomobile · 10/02/2020 22:03

If your worried about your dd not being aware of her boundaries, I feel like that could be a simple discussion. Perhaps with you rather than your dh. Something along the lines of “it’s lovely, but I want you to know that whenever you want to stop doing this you can stop. At any time etc

ThisHereMamaBear · 10/02/2020 22:06

I find it so sad how everything is sexualised. What's the difference in sharing a bath when you're 8 or 3? Would the Dad not be able to control himself when his DD gets to a certain age? Sad, sad, sad. It's the same with breastfeeding. I feed my 16 month old and have started to have comments around "he's getting old" and it "will be weird if he's doing it when he's 3". So when he gets to a certain age it's sexual and gross? Bonkers.

MargotB7 · 10/02/2020 22:19

ThisHereMamaBear

Not many people are sexualising it though. I just don't get why anybody would want to do this. I hate baths and don't get what enjoyment I would get bathing with my 8 year when we could all nip in the shower and then get cosy watching a film or doing an activity together. Am I missing something about baths?

potbellend · 10/02/2020 22:28

FFS honestly I think the majority of you are flipping mad.

I with my children all the time. We are human beings and they are completely naive when emit comes to sexual aspects of their bodies.

Agree with those, it should stop when your DD says so.

We have no problem with nudity in our house, it’s the human form and they are my children. Why the need to sexualise everything. Makes me shudder.

Blackandgreenteas · 10/02/2020 22:31

I think 5 is about the limit for bathing with the opposite sex parent. A bit older, maybe 8 or so, with the same sex parent.

My ds is 5, nearly 6, and I don’t share baths with him anymore. I used to, and it started because I have back problems and couldn’t bath him as a baby and toddler easily without being in the bath too.

Dd is 11, and I used to have the occasional bath with her until maybe 8 or 9. They’re too big at that age anyway. I seem to remember the three of us in the bath some times when ds was very small.

Blackandgreenteas · 10/02/2020 22:33

I don’t mind them seeing me naked, although with dd I’m beginning to feel a bit awkward about it! The doors don’t really shut properly in our house for one thing! (Well, the kids bedroom doors do, but mine doesn’t really).

Geneshish · 10/02/2020 22:37

Interesting! Although DH has stopped bathing with DSD 9 (his DD) she still showers and he goes in the bathroom to rinse her hair as she doesn't do it well herself. Hes starting to feel a bit uncomfortable as she is beginning to develop but she is in no way bothered (nor do we want her to be).

Jimdandy · 10/02/2020 22:42

I do not deliberately bathe with my children (6 and 4) but when I go and get I. They appear and get in!!

Don’t worry about it stop when she feels uncomfortable.

Can’t people do anything these days without people looking for something sinister. Is the human body that offensive now?

ClientQueen · 10/02/2020 22:42

I stopped when I was about 7 - not bath sharing but having my hair washed etc by my dad. I started my periods at 9 and was very body self conscious by then

Tunnocks34 · 10/02/2020 22:45

Tonight I had a bath with my 6 year old son and my 3 year old son at the same time.

Relaxing..no. Weird..also no.

olympicsrock · 10/02/2020 22:57

I share a bath ( I’m
Female) with my sons aged 4 and 8 , often both together. It’s one of their favourite things to have a long hot deep bath together . DS 1 aged 8 likes the bonding time. He will often take this chance of being face to face and uninterrupted to tell me about what is going on in his head. We are quite comfortable with nudity. They don’t bath with their dad but only because he’s not comfortable with it and never has been.

confusedandtired99 · 10/02/2020 23:13

I think you should be guided by your daughter personally. There will come a time when she wants that privacy she will let you know

CustomerCervixDepartment · 10/02/2020 23:37

So many people saying let the child decide when. Ugh, no , it’s literally your job to set boundaries and teach her bodily autonomy, how it’s never ok to see any adults genitals, etc. A huge number of children are sexually abused, if it’s normal for them to see adults genitals you need to be shit hot on educating your kid about what’s ok and what is not . I can’t understand why anyone would want to share gross, hairy water with a kid, or be a ‘nudey family’, like, why not consider other hobbies and put your genitals away in general?

CustomerCervixDepartment · 10/02/2020 23:40

The kid might not let the parents know she doesn’t want to be in a bath with a naked man or woman, because she knows this will disappoint the person, which is setting a really bad precedent for the future. It’s parents duty to teach and enforce boundaries and not put that burden on their kid. Can OPs husband not think of anything better to do to spend time with his kid than sitting in water naked together?

NewInTown08 · 10/02/2020 23:41

Inappropriate in my opinion. Way too old.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/02/2020 23:44

The kid might not let the parents know she doesn’t want to be in a bath with a naked man or woman, because she knows this will disappoint the person, which is setting a really bad precedent for the future. It’s parents duty to teach and enforce boundaries and not put that burden on their kid

THIS should only ever be the response to the "when the children feel uncomfortable/don't want to anymore" opinion. Be it being naked in front of children, bathing etc. Children are not like confident adults who'll speak up the moment they feel discomfort.

malmi · 10/02/2020 23:45

A lot of people seem to really struggle with the concept of non-sexual nudity. Or the idea of people enjoying bathing together. As if the fact that they wouldn't enjoy it makes it inherently sinister. I don't think this is a good place to get advice on this type of thing.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/02/2020 23:45

Also how big are people's baths that 3 of you can fit in?!

I never bathed with my kids not even as babies - baths aren't meant to be relaxing, it's not relaxing sitting in the piss and farts of toddlers Grin

Halo1234 · 10/02/2020 23:46

It doesnt sit well with me. I think 8 is too old. When they were babies and toddlers I would take mine in the shower with me because it was easier. But now they are 4 and 8 year I wouldnt do it. But when I really think about it I cant articulate why not. It's just a body after all nothing to be ashamed off. I think its maybe the fact they might remember it as adults and that's just an awkward memory to have. I dont know why I would at 8 but I wouldnt.

Hazybobs · 11/02/2020 05:57

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joystir59 · 11/02/2020 06:01

I don't think this would ever be appropriate. Just why would you?

TheSerenDipitY · 11/02/2020 06:20

she will decide when its to stop just as she is the one deciding to jump in with Dad

Blackbear19 · 11/02/2020 06:38

The question I have is how comfortable is Dad with her seeing him naked?

Many seem to think it should stop when DD is uncomfortable but what about him?

I don't mind my DS3 wandering into the bathroom with me, but I do object to my DS8.

Personally I'd be encouraging him to find a hobby they can share together. This will enable them to keep their 1:1 time into the teen years.

Weffiepops · 11/02/2020 06:48

8 is old enough, stop now

Bluerussian · 11/02/2020 07:34

It usually stops around 8.