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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and DD bathing

464 replies

disintegration · 10/02/2020 15:43

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

OP posts:
NeverGotMyPuppy · 10/02/2020 21:26

OP please ignore the crazy ones. People on here are so quick to come up with ludicrous suggestions and it can be really hurtful. Please do ignore them.

mauvaisereputation · 10/02/2020 21:29

I think it's on the cusp of being inappropriate unfortunately. I think now is the time to establish another lovely Sunday morning routine, so if she does start feeling a creeping sense of unease she doesn't feel pressure to continue this one in order to have a lovely time with her dad. I reckon he should just stop having a bath at that time for now and then next Sunday he should take her out for brunch and start doing that instead?

Megan2018 · 10/02/2020 21:32

I was about 9, up until then me, Dad and brother had baths together (he is nearly 4 years younger), we stopped more because he irritated me with splashing as I remember and I think we were just too big.
I think it’d have been around 8/9 regardless though

Emmelina · 10/02/2020 21:32

Mine haven’t since they were toddlers. It’s not relaxing for anyone and there’s just no space! If he’s questioning whether it’s still appropriate, it’s probably time for one last special bath with Daddy, unicorn bubbles, glow sticks and whatever then separate baths from then on.

crispysausagerolls · 10/02/2020 21:33

There are some extremely fucked up people on this thread. Ignore OP

MargotB7 · 10/02/2020 21:34

OP, I was not one of the people who thought your DH was thinking inappropriately. However you asked the question and I think she is getting too old. I'm not prudish at all but that is just my opinion.

MargotB7 · 10/02/2020 21:36

Why not stop it before she starts to feel uncomfortable then there are no awkward memories.

peonylane · 10/02/2020 21:42

I really don't feel it's inappropriate in the slightest. It's a father bathing with his daughter...!! My DD does with my DH and she's 6.

youareacuntychops · 10/02/2020 21:44

My 2 year old ds and 3 year old dd do have a bath together yet though and I plan to stop this around next year.

What? Why? Confused

Op for your question, the fact that dh brought it up means he's possibly starting to feel uncomfortable and maybe that's when it should stop.
I don't think it's sick or any of the other ridiculous things people have said here though.

I can't believe people won't hug their children in their underwear. Children have never seen them naked. Think 3 or 4 is too old for baths with parents.

DS is 3.5; if I ever go for a bath or shower when he's up he wants to come in. He likes playing in water.
He nearly always asks me to come in his bedtime bath. DH sometimes goes in his bedtime bath. We see each other naked all the time.

DS knows what everyone's body parts are, he knows what periods are, he knows what breastfeeding is, where babies come from.
These are all just facts and body parts, there's nothing dirty or shameful about the human body.

We've explained about privacy (he asks for privacy to do the toilet funnily enough) and he knows we keep ourselves covered up in public.

Apocketfulofposies · 10/02/2020 21:44

I have regular baths with my kids. My sons are 4 and 7 and still want them. DD is 9 and stopped wanting them about a year ago which seemed like a natural time. She is starting to develop and this happened about the same time. I am guessing your daughter will want to stop soon so maybe leave it a few months to see if she does, or just make it clear to her that she doesn't need to worry about disappointing daddy if she wants to stop.

DearGod1 · 10/02/2020 21:47

Thing is your DH is not ok with it now and that is enough of a reason.

My DN is very close to me and loves cuddles and kisses and being held to read stories.

Frequently asked me to get in the the bath with them or to get in mine. I always say no to getting in theirs and lock the door when I'm in the bath / shower.

Bath is my relaxation time, I don't want a kid in it playing with plastic toys.

Get DH to lock the door and just say he wants to bath by himself now. You are allowed to tell a child no without it damaging them for life.

youareacuntychops · 10/02/2020 21:47

God I'm glad my family don't have such weirdness about nudity. DS 3.5, nephew 5 and niece 1 get a bath together when sleeping over.
Nieces nappy is changed in front of DS and he doesn't even glance at her. Presumably because a naked body isn't all that interesting when it's not something that's hidden constantly.

Bluewater1 · 10/02/2020 21:48

There are some batshit messages on here, wondering if some are trolls 🤔
I think we stopped bathing with ours at about age 4ish. At age 7, DS became quite self conscious so we respected his need for privacy. We are quite an open family and no locks on the bathroom door because DD locked herself in by mistake when she was 2 and that was traumatic enough for me to say no locks until they're old enough not to do that again!!
They often walk in on me showering to tell me random stuff. 8 feels old tbh.
I don't agree with those posters stating wait until she decides. Parents should set boundaries unless they occur earlier and children state they want privacy like my DS did, then that should be respected.
Definitely don't show your DH this thread.....

Loveislandlydia · 10/02/2020 21:49

I’d suggest that he starts wearing trunks or something

youareacuntychops · 10/02/2020 21:51

*My DN is very close to me and loves cuddles and kisses and being held to read stories.

Frequently asked me to get in the the bath with them or to get in mine. I always say no to getting in theirs and lock the door when I'm in the bath / shower.*

Tbf I wouldn't get into a bath with my niece or nephew either. That would be inappropriate. It's completely different when it's your own child though.

pollyputthepastaon · 10/02/2020 21:52

My child is 8 and still hops in the shower with me sometimes. I really don’t see the problem.

wotsittoyou · 10/02/2020 21:54

I'd be concerned and very careful about her picking up on any messages about it being expected or associated with pleasing her dad/not upsetting him. Children are very intuitive.

Yesterdayforgotten · 10/02/2020 21:55

Theres lots of other things they can do together instead of taking a bath. I think 8 is far too old.

MargotB7 · 10/02/2020 21:56

Those of you who think it is OK. What age do you think they should stop? I started puberty at 9 and needed privacy. I have a good memory, my family were very open minded but I wouldn't have wanted to bath with any of my family at 8 years old.

DearGod1 · 10/02/2020 21:56

Tbf I wouldn't get into a bath with my niece or nephew either. That would be inappropriate. It's completely different when it's your own child though.

Yes you are right. It would be different if they were my own child..

Notajogger · 10/02/2020 21:58

Those saying to leave it to the child - that's unfair as she will not have the awareness of the need for boundaries, that adults should have.

This.
Also as pp said about memories being tainted by the end being awkward/weird for her (which she might not want to say, or might not even feel till she's a bit older).

Cocomobile · 10/02/2020 22:00

I would say whenever she decides she wants to stop.

And then your dh needs to be 100% ready to not show ANY disappointment or sadness at her decision. She shouldn’t be made to feel even an inkling of guilt about her decision for privacy (which obviously is not the emotion that would be intended by your dh, but I think kids tend to naturally feel that they’ve done something wrong if their parents show a negative emotion about something to do with them)

kayakingmum · 10/02/2020 22:00

I would stop it now.
There is a good chance her peers could give her a hard time about it if she carries on and she let's slip she shares a bath with her dad. If that happened it would ruin a lovely thing.

Cocomobile · 10/02/2020 22:01

I think it’s very sweet they have such a close relationship and feel comfortable with each other like this. I also think it would be teaching her to not be ashamed of her body

PourMeAGlassOfMilk · 10/02/2020 22:03

If your DH is having a bath and DD asks to get in, then surely when she feels uncomfortable she'll just stop asking and this will naturally come to an end? Kids can be so different at that age in their levels of inhibition. If your DD is still happy then it's fine. Personally I'd have no problem with it other than the fact I like my baths hotter than any of my kids will tolerate so I've never wanted to share with any of them.