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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and DD bathing

464 replies

disintegration · 10/02/2020 15:43

DH and DD bath together on Sunday mornings. She is 8. He asked me yesterday when I thought that would have to end and I replied that I thought it would probably be soon, certainly this year. He was a bit upset so I suggested I post on here to find out hive mind thought (changed username as I don't want him finding my other posts!!)

So, AIBU and they can bath together for longer or AINBU and they should cut it out sooner rather than later? Should it be DD that decides when she isn't comfortable with it anymore?

OP posts:
deathswiftlyfollows · 10/02/2020 18:58

Not odd, be guided by your dad-as long as you build up her boundaries and talk about them openly with your Dh too she will feel comfortable enough to say no when she feels that time has come.
My eldest is 18 and still has no qualms about sitting on the side of the bath to discuss something when I'm in it, I have no issue changing in from of him or my other kids. I respect his privacy however as he has indicated that's what he wants.
Communication is key.

formerbabe · 10/02/2020 19:01

I must admit to being amazed by those who claim they never let their children see them naked. Do you never go swimming? Change in the same room? Have them talk to you while you're in the bath?! Take them into a changing room in a shop?

Who gets naked in a shop changing room? Confused

I'm of the view that if nudity is unavoidable...eg I'm in shower and DC needs me in an emergency or we're going swimming and sharing a family changing room then fine. However, I see no reason to walk round the house naked...it's just as easy to chuck a dressing gown on.

iwunderwhy · 10/02/2020 19:01

lilgreen ... I ask WHY her hubby is upset after she agrees with HIS question that bathing with his 8yr old daughter should stop. YES... IT SHOULD STOP!!

You are a nasty troll who immediately attack people personally for having a different opinion to yours..

You need to get off this site and leave it to people mentally capable of civil debate.

karencantobe · 10/02/2020 19:03

It is not that there is anything wrong with having a bath with your DC. But what sounds not quite right is that -

  • He is very upset at the idea of stopping having baths with his DD
  • That he talks about bathing with his dad as his fondest memory
  • He asked OP when he should stop bathing with his DD. Op said soon, but because of his upset reaction agreed to post on here. The DP should be listening to what OP says.

If this was my DP, I would be worried.
And IME most people at terrible at seeing warning signs and minimise them.

dontgobaconmyheart · 10/02/2020 19:09

I would stop, yes. Wider debate aside why do they need to bathe together? There area million other ways to foster intimacy and fun with a child of 8 years. Go to the pool if the water is the fun element. Your DH obviously has been contemplating the appropriateness of it so I think that is the sure sign to find other ways to connect as parent and DC. If he doesn't agree with that then I'd find that bizarre.

Have you asked her whether she likes it or would rather stop explaining that not everyone does that and some people wouldn't want to and that is fine? At 8 I'd have thought she is likely to want to please and given that and DH's wariness I think it's cit and dry.

As an aside, I bathed with a parent as a child sometimes, not that old and I hate the memory. Absolutely no abuse whatsoever to be clear, nothing even close but the memory makes me feel embarrassed and frankly weird. I wish they hadn't allowed it.

Sceptre86 · 10/02/2020 19:09

Maybe a cultural thing but I would never bath with my kids. I do not lock the bathroom door when it is just the kids and me at home so they will sometimes see me in the shower. They have seen both their dad and I get changed. My 2 year old ds and 3 year old dd do have a bath together yet though and I plan to stop this around next year.

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 19:18

@iwunderwhy are you I’ll?

lilgreen · 10/02/2020 19:18

ill?

woodhill · 10/02/2020 19:32

@DesLynamsMoustache

Yes, I just shut the door, never wanted them to see me and wanted some privacy.

TheSoapyFrog · 10/02/2020 19:46

I'd say as DH is questioning it then it's time to stop.

Marmitepasta · 10/02/2020 20:02

I think it's fine. She's a child, he's her dad. This will naturally stop as she gets older. Really not an issue.

Streamside · 10/02/2020 20:07

Let your daughter decide,I wouldn't be concerned at all but it's probably not common in our culture.

Misbeehived · 10/02/2020 20:20

Follow the child. It’s not weird at all.

MargotB7 · 10/02/2020 20:25

Well we all hate baths here (we do shower) so it was never a thing we did. I do think it's time to stop. I started puberty at 9 and was became very private.

notyourmummy · 10/02/2020 20:27

I don't think it's inappropriate. If my 8yo lad wanted to get into the bath with me that'd be fine. I'm led by him around modesty/privacy,he normally shuts his door when he's changing so I shut mine if he's upstairs when I'm changing, although he sometimes wanders in. And he regularly sits next to me whilst I'm breastfeeding my toddler, and obviously my breasts are on show.

MargotB7 · 10/02/2020 20:28

I can't remember sharing a bath with my parents which I'm quite happy about.

JRUIN · 10/02/2020 20:32

I think it should be left up to your DD to decide when to stop hopping in the bath with her dad. And I think it's an awful shame how some posters are making a sweet and innocent little thing between father and daughter thing look sordid.

MrsDilligaf · 10/02/2020 20:45

My DD (4) will occasionally get in the bath with me, she'll definitely poke her head around the shower curtain when either DH or I are showering and will always come and have a chat when we're on the loo.

But I suppose when it starts to feel awkward for any of us, it's time to stop. Have you spoken to your DD OP?

illandBored · 10/02/2020 20:49

Inappropriate OP. You need to help her express boundaries. She probably doesn’t recognise them yet

MintyMabel · 10/02/2020 20:51

I wouldn't hug my DC while in underwear, me or them or both (!) especially not with either naked!!

I have no choice but to shower my 10 year old and lift her wrapped in a towel. What a strange thing to avoid, hugging a child when they go to bed.

perhaps because his little girl is growing up. Not difficult to understand

There are myriad things that point to her growing up. Does he get upset at all of them? Doubt it.

Surplus2requirements · 10/02/2020 20:55

I don't understand why people think that because he's upset it's a red flag.

The father/daughter relationship changes naturally and hugely around this time, sometimes earlier or later but it will never be the same and that's ok but it's not weird or unusual to be sad at the changes we see coming.

illandBored · 10/02/2020 21:11

The father/daughter relationship changes naturally and hugely around this time

Out of curiously in what way and why?

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/02/2020 21:13

@LonginesPrime

We take our cues on what's appropriate from them

How does a child learn what's appropriate if not from the adults around them?
Surely it's for the parents to teach their children what's appropriate?

We teach them that being naked isn't inappropriate per se. But being naked around people who don't want you to be or whom you don't want to be naked around is inappropriate. Since we can't tell them who to want to be naked around we take our cues from them on the detail of how that rule should apply where they are concerned.

Otherwise, we'd still just be ignoring their boundaries and imposing arbitrary ones of our own, rife with hypocrisy and body shaming overtones.

Original poster
disintegration · 10/02/2020 21:21

Jesus some of the responses in here are fucked up. I have absolute no qualms about my DH bathing with DD. He mentioned to me that it's probably going to come to an end. I said yes. And that I thought it should be soon and he was sad. Because she's growing up!!! We then decided to ask MN to gauge opinion. Ffs it's not a bloody red flag and yes I am upset. At those PPs. And the suggestion re his DF is fucking sick.

Thank you for the rational responses. Appreciated and it's backed up my opinion that it's time we wrapped it up soon. I will absolutely not be showing DH this thread.

OP posts:
FizzyIce · 10/02/2020 21:24

Some people have serious issues and it’s not those of us who think sharing baths or hugging their kids is ok.

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