To think people expect too much from mothers of very small children?

[BellingtonWoots]

Well, parents, not just mothers, but mainly mothers. Because I'm starting to feel like this is the case.

DD is 18 months old. I went back to work when she was 9 months old, but did bits and pieces at home and KIT days from 6 months. DH works shifts, so I do most of the bedtimes, getting ready, breakfast, though DH does have days off where he does everything while I work. So DH isn't the problem here. It's more of a general thing, how other people see me/what society expects of me.

I honestly feel like I hit the ground running since DD was born. We had family and friends descend on us for daily visits for weeks after she was born, which was lovely in a way but very tiring and I didn't get to rest as much as I wanted. I had a section and although I recovered well, it was slow, and I still have pain and discomfort around my scar.

No sooner did things get into a routine with DD, and no sooner was she a little less dependent on me due to weaning, than it seemed I had to go back to work. Life ever since has been extremely busy, and all of a sudden she's 18 months old and becoming a toddler really

She doesn't sleep well, we're tired and we have very little time to ourselves. I would love to stay at home and go at her pace- trips to the park, reading stories- but I have to work. I have cut down my hours, but I simply couldn't afford to be a SAHM and I don't really know anyone who is- PILs already seem to think I'm taking advantage of DH by reducing my hours.

People also seem to think that I have loads of time on my hands now. SIL was always asking me to watch her four year old when I was off on maternity, even when DD was only six weeks old and I was still very sore. I had friends asking me for lifts, asking me to pick them up from places, because they knew I'd be home. People invite DH and I to things, and get ratty and offended when we say we can't come. It's not like we are the first in our circle to have children, in fact on DH's side we are the last. They are always asking DH for favours too (related to his job) asking him to come and do this or that at their house. Most of the time he says no, but still. We really do have such limited time together as a family, and even less as a couple, we are lucky to even get an hour in the evening because of DD sleeping badly, we don't want to give up half of Saturday running around to please other people.

My parents are very good, to be fair, and I remember as a child they would have done things like pick up my aunt who had a small baby to save her having to drive to Granny's 70th party, because "she'll be tired and it'll be nice for her to have the rest" and there was an understanding that small children were hard work, that sometimes they prevented people doing things, and although the women in my family all had jobs ranging from teacher to cleaner, there was a sense that staying at home for periods of time was totally normal and understandable as well

I don't know if it's just the circles I'm in now, but I feel like the pressure is now the opposite way- you're being selfish and self indulgent and weak if you don't make the baby fit in with your previous life, you shouldn't make any changes, you shouldn't fall into the trap of being a boring mum.

I've realised I have to put really firm boundaries in place and to ring-fence my time at home and with DH and DD, and my time on my own as well, or I could run myself ragged pleasing other people. I find it so hard being away from DD too. Luckily I can leave her with DH no problem, which I do at times, and obviously she gets childminded, and it's fine, but I don't WANT to leave her a whole lot more than that- I had her because I wanted to raise a child, and when I'm home from work I want to actually see her!

I think YOU are putting this pressure on yourself. No one can make you do anything you can’t manage so just say no. You said you realise the need for boundaries which is great- lots of books on Amazon about how to be assertive and deal with with conflicts etc. Make that your 2020 goal!

SIL was always asking me to watch her four year old when I was off on maternity, even when DD was only six weeks old and I was still very sore.

So what did you say or do?

I think the majority of dc are okay sleepers and as a result noone appreciates that your day isn't over at 7.15pm. I know people who host dinner parties after kids are asleep - chances are you'd be eating at 11pm in this house!

Noone's ever asked me for babysitting/lifts/favours tho, maybe you're just too friendly

I completely agree with you. I hate the super Mum culture we have today.

The first months of my DD’s life, I tried to do everything and I caused myself so much anxiety for no particular reason. I have since learned to be assertive and say no!

I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser but since having DD I have started to put myself and her needs first. I’m not worried about offending anyone, I’ve massively lowered my standards. I have a week of annual leave coming up and I’m going to spend it in our pyjamas, spending quality time with my little girl at home.

Watched the four year old once, said no to the other times.

I definitely need to be assertive and say no, and by and large I have been.

It's more the fact people have just assumed we'll be avaliable to run round and do things and give up our time to begin with - even when I was clearly struggling to get over abdominal surgery and we both clearly had enough on our plates with work and a non sleeping baby.

Without blowing my own trumpet, I've always given parents of small children a lot of leeway because I assume they're busy enough - again that was how I was raised and also a result of being the last to have kids and seeing how difficult and tiring it is for those friends and family who have done it before us- and I just assumed that the same kindness would be extended to us, and it hasn't been.

Also on a wider scale, I think that the expensive childcare, long hours and long commutes so many parents have to deal with is utterly shit and not great for anyone

I suppose too I was always a bit of a Ms Happy to Help pre baby, I assumed everyone else would realise that would change post baby. They did not seem to get the memo

I get it OP. People expect so much..women are expected to be all things to all people but you need to set out your stall now and suit yourselves. You will probably offend someone no matter what you do so you may as well please yourself and your family and fit other things around this!

People assume all kinds of things. You are free to correct those assumptions. We’ve recently moved countries and DH has a big new job, and large numbers of extended family have assumed that I am abandoning my professional career to ‘look after’ my parents. This says everything about their assumptions and sexism, and nothing about me. I put them in the picture very crisply if it comes up.

I feel this struggle. My DD often doesn't sleep til 9pm and dropped all her naps at 16 months old.

The amount of other mums who say stuff like 'I couldn't cope without some time to myself in the afternoon'... I wish I could hit them.

Sometimes it's really fucking tough being a parent.

I’ve had similar I work from home now, previous very manual hard job and injuries from birth mean I’ve had to win contracts at home. So it’s demanding work and my DD is also 18m. My ‘best friend’ hassles me a lot to meet and gives me a verbal pasting when I don’t or can’t. I’ve since decided that what I / my family want and need are important and true friends understand. I keep up appearances when I feel I absolutely have too and that’s it. My DD doesn’t sleep, is still bf (no excuses not too as we’re both together). And weekends I’m out doing the garden, dogs, maintenance and my dp gets time to rest. I do all night wakings and always have, I also do all the house work. Take time for yourself, dial back your circle. Don’t give lifts and definitely do not baby sit. Just reply with ‘that doesn’t work for me’ or ‘we’re busy but maybe go for coffee on x day’ good luck!

It is none of your PILs business how much you work. That's up to you, in discussion with your husband.

Ah op so much of what you say resonates.
I’m going to get a flaming on here but I will say it anyways.
I almost think the push and desire to be equal to men it other areas of our life, has really impacted on women in terms of the time the can spend focussing on their family.

Fair enough some women genuinely want keep up their career at the same level and other commitments. And there certainly are positives to it. Financial independence namely. I can see it from a balanced point of view.
But I feel many women try to do everything now, because they think they ought to be. And they do this whilst still picking up the majority of the childcare.
Then many will cry “that is a problem with your husband, not picking up the workload equally”. But the difficulty is, I think some women don’t want to relinquish the childcare duties in the early years. So they end up trying to do it all.
And end up exhausted.
And I really don’t know what the answer is.

Purely based on my own observations :
I don’t think extensive periods in childcare is good for tiny tots.
I don’t think financial dependence on a man is ideal either.
I don’t think women being exhausted trying to do it all and have it all leads to anything but feeling worn out and dissatisfied.

But... I don’t know what the answer is and I suppose it’s different for everyone.
Even with the best laid plans things go wrong, i.e. you work out fair childcare, housework, both work equal hours. But all it takes is a small child to get sick and then you are both sleep deprived and exhausted. And the child usually wants mummy, who tends to bear the brunt.

No answers op.... just solidarity

I think possibly this might be your circle of friends/family tbh - or I’m lucky with the people I know. Literally everyone assumes weekend is family time and that nothing particularly exciting needs to happen for people not to meet up - a day spodding around with the kids is reason enough.

I think probably they are less fussed by you saying ‘no’ than you think they are. If they are massively fussed, ey, who cares?

The hardest, most tiring part of my life was when my 3 were little and I was working. It seemed never ending. It's super tough.

SIL was always asking me to watch her four year old when I was off on maternity, even when DD was only six weeks old and I was still very sore

WTAF!!! What a CF!!

I totally agree. Women are expected to be great parents, in tune with the very latest ‘parenting’ standards, have a good career, a beautiful home that looks like something out of a catalogue. They’re expected to be frugal, yet eco-friendly, to have time to take their kids to loads of activities and to do their homework with them, and also to check exactly what they’re doing online and who their friends are, and spend ‘one on one time’ with them. And also to breastfeed. They are supposed to have their hair done every six weeks and their fucking NAILS done regularly FFS. We’re also not allowed to wear bootcut jeans or Joules but ‘classic’ clothes that are ‘well made’ (and also expensive). We’re apparently also meant to find time to go to the gym. And shop local.

Men just have to have a job, a nice car and know enough about a sport to hold a conversation about it.

You're not unreasonable. I don't know how you coped with people descending on you for weeks after having your baby - unless they came to do things for you while you had a rest.

I suggest not answering the phone sometimes.

Yes. Just today I turned down a lunch invite for tomorrow with a friend who has a last minute day off because DS 10 months is Ill, as am I, and we have been all week so we’re drained, and he also has something contagious so it’s probably not wise to take him to restaurants.
I got a really snotty reply about never agreeing to plans etc (I literally went out with her on Tuesday night and always agree to plans, as well as instigate them) so I said well come round if you like. It’s been read but no reply. I honestly just think, fuck off like. I don’t really know what people expect me to do.
I find that some parents find it all very easy and others don’t and there’s far less understanding for those that don’t appear to just get on with the lives they had pre baby.
It’s aggravating.

You need to get tough. Be assertive and say no.

It also sounds like you’re just absolutely knackered and could do with a weeks uninterrupted sleep to recharge. Unfortunately this is very unlikely so just be a bit kinder to yourself, set yourself less things to get done.
Also get DD into a regular bedtime routine as the sleep will do you all good.

Just say no. It’s so freeing

I think sleep makes a massive difference. My productivity on days when DD has slept well and has a solid nap is great. She’s had a 2 hour nap about 5x in her life, and I’m always amazed that a lot of mums consistently have that free time in their day to cook/make cakes/clean/online food shop/do anything other than prise a clinging child from their legs every 2 minutes.

I think society has a notion of the newborn and sleep deprivation phase lasting only a couple of months, and after that you should be good to function with the rest of society. As another PP said, the majority of children do seem to fit this mould. If you’re in the minority then you can feel very unproductive, isolated and confused.

I think what you have to remember is we are all individuals and we all have babies who are a different level from extremely challenging to being 'a dream'. We all have jobs which vary from being incredibly stressful to really boring. We have commutes which can be 90 mins each way, concentrating on traffic, to walking into the spare room to work from home. We also all have different levels of resiliance.

I was delighted to be able to hold on to little tiny bits of my 'pre-children' life when I had dc1, as I was completely overwhelmed by him, and would have been heartbroken if people hadn't still asked me to things. Same with dh - he needed to 'get out of the house' for a bit too, just like me, as ds was such hard work.

We are all different. You can't expect the rest of the wrld to know exactly how you feel and what you want, because the next new family will fell different things and want different things.

There are threads on here almost every week with relatively new Mums upset because "their friends have dropped them" or "SiL never involves us" etc. etc. In this world it is sometime difficult to do right for doing wrong.

In my experience a lot of my family are jealous of me. Despite IVF, despite being infertile for years so I had no choice but to be an older mum, despite seeing them all have kids (and more kids than I will ever have) all they see is the money, lifestyle, the opportunities I have to raise my DC in ways they can’t.

It sounds like your friends have got used to you accommodating them and aren't so happy to reverse roles. They may also be a bit self absorbed and have forgotten the stress of early days, which is understandable but still a bit shit. You might need to gently say something, I'm afraid.

SIL was always asking me to watch her four year old when I was off on maternity, even when DD was only six weeks old and I was still very sore. I had friends asking me for lifts, asking me to pick them up from places, because they knew I'd be home.

This sounds more like you having piss-taking friends and family and maybe you struggle to be assertive.

It wasn’t my experience of being a mum of young children at all. My family and friends were wonderful.