To think people expect too much from mothers of very small children?

[BellingtonWoots]

Well, parents, not just mothers, but mainly mothers. Because I'm starting to feel like this is the case.

DD is 18 months old. I went back to work when she was 9 months old, but did bits and pieces at home and KIT days from 6 months. DH works shifts, so I do most of the bedtimes, getting ready, breakfast, though DH does have days off where he does everything while I work. So DH isn't the problem here. It's more of a general thing, how other people see me/what society expects of me.

I honestly feel like I hit the ground running since DD was born. We had family and friends descend on us for daily visits for weeks after she was born, which was lovely in a way but very tiring and I didn't get to rest as much as I wanted. I had a section and although I recovered well, it was slow, and I still have pain and discomfort around my scar.

No sooner did things get into a routine with DD, and no sooner was she a little less dependent on me due to weaning, than it seemed I had to go back to work. Life ever since has been extremely busy, and all of a sudden she's 18 months old and becoming a toddler really

She doesn't sleep well, we're tired and we have very little time to ourselves. I would love to stay at home and go at her pace- trips to the park, reading stories- but I have to work. I have cut down my hours, but I simply couldn't afford to be a SAHM and I don't really know anyone who is- PILs already seem to think I'm taking advantage of DH by reducing my hours.

People also seem to think that I have loads of time on my hands now. SIL was always asking me to watch her four year old when I was off on maternity, even when DD was only six weeks old and I was still very sore. I had friends asking me for lifts, asking me to pick them up from places, because they knew I'd be home. People invite DH and I to things, and get ratty and offended when we say we can't come. It's not like we are the first in our circle to have children, in fact on DH's side we are the last. They are always asking DH for favours too (related to his job) asking him to come and do this or that at their house. Most of the time he says no, but still. We really do have such limited time together as a family, and even less as a couple, we are lucky to even get an hour in the evening because of DD sleeping badly, we don't want to give up half of Saturday running around to please other people.

My parents are very good, to be fair, and I remember as a child they would have done things like pick up my aunt who had a small baby to save her having to drive to Granny's 70th party, because "she'll be tired and it'll be nice for her to have the rest" and there was an understanding that small children were hard work, that sometimes they prevented people doing things, and although the women in my family all had jobs ranging from teacher to cleaner, there was a sense that staying at home for periods of time was totally normal and understandable as well

I don't know if it's just the circles I'm in now, but I feel like the pressure is now the opposite way- you're being selfish and self indulgent and weak if you don't make the baby fit in with your previous life, you shouldn't make any changes, you shouldn't fall into the trap of being a boring mum.

I've realised I have to put really firm boundaries in place and to ring-fence my time at home and with DH and DD, and my time on my own as well, or I could run myself ragged pleasing other people. I find it so hard being away from DD too. Luckily I can leave her with DH no problem, which I do at times, and obviously she gets childminded, and it's fine, but I don't WANT to leave her a whole lot more than that- I had her because I wanted to raise a child, and when I'm home from work I want to actually see her!

Yanbu. I never realised until I had a child what an anti-child country the UK is. From the deranged health visitor telling me I shouldn’t let my 4 week old fall asleep on me (blissful for me and baby) because “you’ve got to get them off you” to friends saying “find time for YOU! Go to the pub!” with no concept of how dull I find the pub in comparison to how endlessly fascinating I find my child, this is a weird culture where being in love with your child is somehow embarrassing and to be hidden yet loathing motherhood is celebrated. Depressing.

Does sound like your circle is unusually selfish though.

YES!!!!!!!!

either that or youre constantly getting told you do too much and you should slow down.

i call it shroedingers mother complex, both working/coping too hard/well and not hard/well enough at the same time.

I think the lesson that probably took me longest to learn after having kids, but that was the most liberating in all areas of my life, was to accept myself and my choices for what they were and not worry or care whether other people liked them or not, as long as I was comfortable with them. So if people thought I should be going out to clubs, or pubs, or whatever - well, their life, their choice, but not mine. And if that means that a friendship doesn't last, well so be it. I agree with what PP said about sleep, and I'd also say (with some perspective now my kids are older) that the years you're currently in are the hardest and give yourself permission to enjoy them the way you want. Tell people who want you to be different to take a hike. It's really tough these days to be a parent. You do what your heart tells you, OP.

@JaniceBattersby I agree with every word! Men just don't have the same pressures, especially for having the lovely spotless home, hair done etc. My dd still isn't great at going to bed and sleeping through and she is 5. We're lucky if we get 90 mins of an evening to eat and do chores and things. It is relentless.

Yes, women are expected to balance so much. My friend is a SAHM at routinely gets asked what else she does. Like being a parent and running a household isn't enough anymore.

I’m with Stargazer in thinking that women’s Lib has rather had the effect of replacing one set of problems with another. I had children and then went back to work and wished so hard that I had been a mother in the days when it was tye expectation for women to stay at home.

I sometimes wish the women’s Lib push could have been to normalise either parent being the one to stay at home, rather than the right for both parents to work. Then again, I’m now a single parent and I would never want to be wholly dependent on someone else, so I don’t know how that would work. Staying at home would have to be genuinely respected as equally valuable work.

Childcare fees in the UK are awful though. For years I worked to pay for nursery fees and a car. That’s the price of carrying on with a career, alongside having to put your children in nursery, where they spend their time picking up bugs because everyone has to work and can’t have time off, even when their children need it.

Stop the world, I want to get off?

I'm all for feminism but I think it has come at a cost. Because of higher salaries it has just made the price of houses rocket. In my parents generation you could get a mortgage on one relatively modest salary. So for example bank worker, teacher, social worker etc.. and women were able to stay home and look after the children.
It's great to have a career if you want one - but I had to go back when DD was 4 months into teaching which isn't that easy. I then had DS when she was 19 months.
I was working 60% timetable and juggling getting kids to nursery and doing pretty much everything at home too. I was really quite stressed out when they were both tiny. No real help from family - MIL used to have children a day a week and so not much else was offered. I don't recall anyone else getting up with the children apart from DH in the mornings.
Mine were really good sleepers and I was still exhausted. I think I would have liked a few years off work - maybe 5 years or so until they were both in school. It is getting way easier now - but I think I am still recovering :)
I am envious of people who can stay off work for a few years - it must be so nice to not have to drop at nursery and rush to work & panic if they look like they might be ill. I don't think all the rushing around is helping the children either. So many are stressed and depressed.

YNBU. I am lucky to live in a country where we get 18 months paid maternity leave (men too) and basically free childcare ever after. (Doesn’t stop some people complaining though.) I honestly don’t know how you do it.

I recognise a bit of what you say, but not nearly to the extent you describe. It sounds like people around you just aren't being kind.

I think it sounds like you thought people would be more sympathetic because they'd done the very young DC stage, but in my experience those recently out of it are the least sympathetic and least likely to accommodate other people's babies/toddlers. They tend to do the infuriating 'ah, it gets so much harder you know, you're doing the easy bit!' thing, and also they (understandably) won't go near baby/toddler-friendly stuff - it can be a bit of a novelty to someone without children, whereas someone with primary aged children was very recently thoroughly sick of that kind of thing and has no desire to go back to it!

@JaniceBattersby I completely agree too. I just wasn’t prepared for how all the expectations are on me rather than dp too. I remember going out with family when Dd was only a couple of months old, my family told me off because her socks weren’t warm enough (they were) but dp had dressed her, obviously it was my fault. If the house needs a tidy up people judge me rather than him. I do something with Dd everyday but when dp takes her to the park for half an hour he’s ‘an amazing father.’

stargazer anyold hadn''t read your posts before commenting. But agree with you both.
I honestly think equal rights has resulted in women doing even more that before......

Plus 7 weeks paid holiday, and unlimited paid days when your child is sick (or me).

anychance agree with this too. My DH used to take children to mass when they were tiny and it was like he was superdad.

I don't recognise the longing to go back to the pre-feminist past where women didn't work (which never existed, by the way), however - I find working full-time with a toddler a struggle at times but I'd 1000 times rather that than be a 1950s housewife.

Hear, hear, @LisaSimpsonsbff.

Feminism is really not responsible for rocketing house prices, and anyone who genuinely thinks women were better off 50 years ago needs to brush upon their history.

YANBU.
I believe that women "Having it All" has just lead to women "Doing it All".
Mine are older now but when they were little it nearly broke me physically and mentally trying to work in an office 5 days a week, run the home and do all the mothering to non sleeping little children and an often absent husband. I ended up with pneumonia and then post viral fatigue.

@Anychance123 my husband looks after the kids two days a week. You can guarantee at least once a week someone on the school run will come up to me and tell me what a wonderful dad he is and aren’t I lucky? I’m pretty sure nobody goes up to him when I’m not there and tells him how lucky he is to have me.

I think you need better friends, the ones you have sound like piss-takers. And I agree with the pp who said your SIL sounds like a CF.

Finally someone who understands how I feel. I can totally relate OP.

samh they take both salaries into account. So a starter home will cost way more than it did in the 70s.

I've had it the other way. When my friends started having kids they thought nothing of
saying I needed to travel to them, which I did. I even had one friend ask if I could take a day off work to come visit her as she was available - I pointed out that if I don't work I don't get paid. By and large as I had no kids I had to bend totally to their schedule, as if I had nothing else to occupy my time. Never been asked to babysit as I lived too far away.
I've had kids, and as my husband passed away I was on my own from when they were barely school age. But I still had other mums say I needed to travel to them as they couldn't possibly come all the way to London but of course I could take my kids to them!
So I stopped. No more was I going to do everything at someone else's convenience. I wasn't going to be the one collecting their child from school every day unless they could take turns. I'm not going to wait until the day before for someone to confirm a get together- I'm not a second best option. The 'I'll let you know' drives me nuts. Their work or child or whatever doesn't trump my work or child.
Stand up for yourself. The next time you feel yourself saying 'yes', say 'not this time but actually it would be great if you did this for me...' See how they react to you asking for a favour occasionally!

Agree @LisaSimpsonsbff and @Samhradh

Yes... Its a cliche but the whole 'having it all' mantra that depicted feminism in the 70s/80s has really become 'doing it all'.

There is just so much pressure to be a parent, bring in income, housework, lose the baby weight really quickly, go to the gym, keep up with friends, bake/be a good cook/host, then also be reasonably groomed with at least a decent haircut and groomed eyebrows / nails.

I'm actually quite tired of it really, maybe some of the above is self inflicted (eg I don't have to bother with my hair, I don't need to bother with my friends) but society does judge you if you don't I think.

I know past generations had their issues but I do envy my mum in the sense that she didn't go back work until both her children were at school, my dad's salary was enough. She wasn't always arranging coffees and lunches with friends, they didn't host dinner parties, she didn't go to the gym, she was probably a bit out of shape after having us. There wasn't a weight of expectation in the same way.

@converseandjeans, or you could flip that and say house prices were kept artificially low by the fact that half the population were chained to the kitchen sink or paid a lot less for doing the same job.

A lot of things led to a rise in house prices besides double-income mortgages, including low interest rates, huge increase in 100% mortgages, BTL mortgages, a larger number of households (longer life expectancy, smaller average household size), Thatcherite push of aspiration to own your home, chronic under supply of housing.

Not enough houses and increased ability to pay for houses, so house prices go up.

Blaming feminism for the rise in house prices is like blaming the NHS for the longer life expectancy that sees older people living on longer in their homes.

I agree with you OP. There are so many things we are supposed to do these days - have a career, go on healthy meals, go to the gym, do family days out, take kids to lots of activities etc. It's just not humanly possible to do everything, I think you really do have to pick and choose.

I don't recognise family and friends being as unsympathetic as yours, but I definitely find people being ignorant. For example, when ideas back to work after my second mat leave, I was working 4 days per week and had a 4 year old at school and a 1 year old at nursery. I remember my mum coming to visit and asking what we did at the weekends "have we been to any national trust places recently". And what groups was I doing in my day off with the toddler. I was so annoyed, she knew how busy I was and how the toddler was constantly ill, and how my 4 year old wasn't settling at school. Weekends were spent doing the multitude of jobs that needed doing, laundry, food prep for thr weeke ahead, plus quiet time to catch up o sleep and recharge. Btw, I'm not saying that we never have days out or go to toddler groups, but she just had this image of us having all this free time to do whatever we wanted when actually we were run ragged and just surviving a lot of the time.