To think people expect too much from mothers of very small children?

[BellingtonWoots]

Well, parents, not just mothers, but mainly mothers. Because I'm starting to feel like this is the case.

DD is 18 months old. I went back to work when she was 9 months old, but did bits and pieces at home and KIT days from 6 months. DH works shifts, so I do most of the bedtimes, getting ready, breakfast, though DH does have days off where he does everything while I work. So DH isn't the problem here. It's more of a general thing, how other people see me/what society expects of me.

I honestly feel like I hit the ground running since DD was born. We had family and friends descend on us for daily visits for weeks after she was born, which was lovely in a way but very tiring and I didn't get to rest as much as I wanted. I had a section and although I recovered well, it was slow, and I still have pain and discomfort around my scar.

No sooner did things get into a routine with DD, and no sooner was she a little less dependent on me due to weaning, than it seemed I had to go back to work. Life ever since has been extremely busy, and all of a sudden she's 18 months old and becoming a toddler really

She doesn't sleep well, we're tired and we have very little time to ourselves. I would love to stay at home and go at her pace- trips to the park, reading stories- but I have to work. I have cut down my hours, but I simply couldn't afford to be a SAHM and I don't really know anyone who is- PILs already seem to think I'm taking advantage of DH by reducing my hours.

People also seem to think that I have loads of time on my hands now. SIL was always asking me to watch her four year old when I was off on maternity, even when DD was only six weeks old and I was still very sore. I had friends asking me for lifts, asking me to pick them up from places, because they knew I'd be home. People invite DH and I to things, and get ratty and offended when we say we can't come. It's not like we are the first in our circle to have children, in fact on DH's side we are the last. They are always asking DH for favours too (related to his job) asking him to come and do this or that at their house. Most of the time he says no, but still. We really do have such limited time together as a family, and even less as a couple, we are lucky to even get an hour in the evening because of DD sleeping badly, we don't want to give up half of Saturday running around to please other people.

My parents are very good, to be fair, and I remember as a child they would have done things like pick up my aunt who had a small baby to save her having to drive to Granny's 70th party, because "she'll be tired and it'll be nice for her to have the rest" and there was an understanding that small children were hard work, that sometimes they prevented people doing things, and although the women in my family all had jobs ranging from teacher to cleaner, there was a sense that staying at home for periods of time was totally normal and understandable as well

I don't know if it's just the circles I'm in now, but I feel like the pressure is now the opposite way- you're being selfish and self indulgent and weak if you don't make the baby fit in with your previous life, you shouldn't make any changes, you shouldn't fall into the trap of being a boring mum.

I've realised I have to put really firm boundaries in place and to ring-fence my time at home and with DH and DD, and my time on my own as well, or I could run myself ragged pleasing other people. I find it so hard being away from DD too. Luckily I can leave her with DH no problem, which I do at times, and obviously she gets childminded, and it's fine, but I don't WANT to leave her a whole lot more than that- I had her because I wanted to raise a child, and when I'm home from work I want to actually see her!

I think some people are a bit selfish. Still, I'm amazed people who've already had children aren't a bit more understanding/helpful though. It's certainly opened my eyes. I'd never expect someone to look after me with meals and drinks, let alone lifts when they'd just had a baby.

But then my friend has just had an op, which temporarily made it difficult to get around and a friend descended on her to stay and expected her to provide meals etc. When I went round a few days later I brought lunch with me and some extra ready meals for the next couple of days. It just seemed normal to me.

I think you may need to work on your assertiveness OP and ask people for help/understanding if they don't offer. But I agree that there is an expectation that women can achieve everything to a ridiculous standard and it's neither fair nor reasonable. One thing about getting older, though, is that it's much harder for people to guilt you into things!

YANBU. I’m another one who’s doing it all, with a four year old who never sleeps before 10pm.

My life is working, then doing endless chores and looking after my child. I would love to play more with her but then what would we eat, who would buy it, cook it, clear up? Who would do the laundry, pay bills, buy clothes, arrange boiler repairs etc? She regularly complains I don’t play with her enough, and I feel like that too, but my ‘free’ (ha!) time to play is very limited.

My own downtime is, of course, almost non-existent. I survive on an average of 6 hours sleep a night, when I really need 8.5-9 for health. My memory is shot to shit and I feel really thick. I’m an English grad who used to love reading, but I haven’t read a novel since DD was born. All I get chance to do is flick through Mumsnet and need website. I reckon I probably don’t have the attention span to read a novel anymore.

And on top of it all, there’s the endless pressure to be better, and now there’s even more work piling up on me, now I have to do extra cleaning and shitty chores to save the sodding planet. I yearn for the days when it was acceptable to send your kids to school with a disposable water bottle. Cleaning out a three part bottle every night when I could have an extra five minutes in bed makes me want to weep. That’s on top of all the other eco jobs I have to do now, rather than use disposable items like I used to. I feel too guilty not to, but am apoplectic that it all takes even more time and energy away from me. Why is this falling to me? I have no more to give.

Like you, OP, I have had friends imply i’m A boring killjoy when I can’t suddenly drop everything and sally forth for a carefree piss-up. I want to brain them with a mallet.

Solidarity, OP.

Definitely not being unreasonable. The pressure is there, mothers are judged to an insane degree, and found lacking whatever they do or don’t do.

It’s not a situation that feminism has caused, thats a cracked notion.

You are doing too much. Stay at home and look at your little one.

*after

I don't really buy into the lists of things pps have said are expected of us. Just say no. Don't get sucked in. I imagine women who feel they must look amazing/have a show home/make organic hummus for their toddlers all while setting up a successful business simply spend too much time on instagram. It doesn't have to be that way.

Don't bow to "expectations" it really can be that easy.

I remember my mum coming to visit and asking what we did at the weekends "have we been to any national trust places recently". And what groups was I doing in my day off with the toddler.

^^

Same here. If someone else asks me 'what are your plans for the weekend? You never seem to go anywhere?? !' I swear I'll scream. Bear in mind this is on top of Taekwondo and swimming with both kids, Saturday and then Sunday morning. Fancy babysitting? Thought not.

I also really agree with you, @Tolleshunt
about the eco guilt trip. My son's school have zéro foot print Tuesdays (or something they call it or other) and it's zero waste : no yogurt pots, wrappers etc. In the email they suggest homemade snacks in reusable bags - muffins, cookies, Granola bars. I get it. I really do. I cook all fucking weekend as it is. Throw me a bloody bone and let me give me son a sodding pot of yogurt and a prepacked biscuit!

I honestly think kids would be better with pie, chips, peas and grvay and sponge pudding and custard for lunch. There'd be no room or need for snacks at all that way. A plate, a bowl, cutlery, washed up, each kid fed and done, in a school cafe.

(P.S. I'm also a lot thicker since having kids!!)

I think people too quickly “forget” phases and challenges in their life e.g. your in-laws forgetting how tiring babies can be, a friend of mine forgetting how tough fertility issues can be etc. I also think people have unrealistic standards of others, especially mothers of small children. But yeah firm and clear boundaries are needed by the sound of things

In a lot of cases those list of things are self inflicted. I have never had my nails or eyebrows done. I get my hair cut every so often. I do not have a show home as do none of my friends.
I think there are some women who do try and do it all and they seem to mix with women who are the same. Of course there are some things you have to do, but the key is to focus on what you really need to do.
People ask what you are doing at the weekend to be polite. Me and the work colleague I work with most both often say, just a quiet weekend. What we mean is we did housework, shopping etc, and then took it fairly easy.

I do think the weekends of National Trust and other activities followed by lots of paid clubs for kids in the evening, is the "ideal" middle class lifestyle. Lots of people do not live like this.
I did used to do too much. I stopped it. We are all happier for it.

@Pipandmum yeah lm familiar with that! It’s expected l take leave, drive half way up the country and then do what the other person wants to do. What am l getting out of all of that?!

And feminists did not say women should do it all. They said that women should not be forced to be at home dependant on a partner's wage. Children are only tiny for a short space of time, but a lot of women used to stay at home from the first child until they died. And many were very unhappy with their lives as a result.

I do think the reluctance to do controlled crying makes mother's lives worse as well. In some other countries where mums work, it is rare for children not be sleeping through by the time their mum has went back to work.

Your friends are odd, I think. Or compared to people I know, perhaps.
And your SIL is an absolute CF, completely mad request!

You're right, people expect you to bounce back and be multi tasking super mum in days. After the birth of DS I was having to do school run within a week and on that run I see a lot of my colleagues. Without fail I get asked at least once a week why I'm not back at work yet and they express huge surprise when I say I'm not back until August (when baby will be 10 months).

I agree with another poster re babies sleeping or lack off. DC1 was an easy baby & our lives didn't change that much at all. DC2 didn't sleep for 2 years, it was exhausting & still is a dodgy sleeper. I was forever cancelling on friends because I often just needed to spend the weekend sleeping. It's hard & im trying to do more again but i'm perpetually tired

I also never felt the pressure to have a 6 pack until I had a baby which is stupid.

You have to push back op & put yourself first.

What I found most difficult was friends getting huffy because when I had a breastfeeding baby I could no longer give them as much attention or fall in with plans. Memorably, I was pressured to go out for lunch and ‘just being along’ my very difficult, colicky baby. YANBU.

Having two working parents, full time, is very very hard without a nanny or serious grand parent help. Hard on parents and hard on kids.

This isn’t women bashing as I know lots of couples who both work four day weeks or have copious help.

It means you hit the weekend utterly shattered

There is definitely alot of pressure on people with a family. It is hard. No matter what you do sometimes it gets too much. I think you will feel better eventually but you are currently tired and feeling it. I don't think winter helps people's moods, energy levels etc. I think it's been a long drag this year. Lots of rain etc. In the spring and summer I find it so much easier. The kids can play outside in the evening for example. It feels you have more time to go for a walk. To enjoy outdoors. To get washing done. Just little small things.

It does sometimes feel socialising is tiring or too hard to fit in too. I've also struggled to be massively outgoing since having kids. I also have anemia though and it makes me feel sluggish and weak. I don't think that helps.

I think you sound overwhelmed. It's not easy on parents. Many like yourself feel they are back at work before they are ready. I'm currently at home. My partner earns enough so we are lucky. I have one at school and one at home. Its quite chaotic for us too. Dd school is a mile walk. I have all the housework and chores. She goes swimming. I also try and spend time with the youngest and get him out. The hardest part for us is no family or babysitters. So our relationship is good but it's taken a back seat massively. We rarely if ever get to go out child free. When we ask a family member to take them it's a guilty feeling. We are aware we need to hurry up as they don't particularly enjoy the exhaustion that follows. We use these moments to do DIY jobs usually.

Overall it is tough for all families. It's like Constantly juggling. Other people don't always know your feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps confined in a friend about it all. Good luck xx

YNBU. I am lucky to live in a country where we get 18 months paid maternity leave (men too) and basically free childcare ever after.

@GoodDogBellaBoo Omg - where do you live and can I move there?!

OP I totally feel what you’re saying - and my baby isn’t even born yet! I find my work really stressful and barely keep on top of the housework, let alone the garden. God knows how I’m going to keep it all going when a baby (am due in May) is thrown into the mix!

The pressure is massive and unfortunately I've found that everything I do upsets someone (or means them criticising) because it isnt what they do/did/think they would do. It pushed me to the point where I just dont care anymore and will happily say no. PIL offer very little help that is actually helpful and seem to think I sit around all day despite us having at least one toddler activity going (they obviously ignore that and the clean up from messy play etc), my parents are good but I think its triggering for my mum who was let down by her own parents. Mine and DHs siblings are distant and uninterested which is fine but I guess I was really surprised by friends who appeared to immediately drop us or just not care and bitch behind our backs. This was with our special care, underweight, nearly died baby. You need to do what's best for you and your child which means saying no to others and being unpopular.

And on top of it all, there’s the endless pressure to be better, and now there’s even more work piling up on me, now I have to do extra cleaning and shitty chores to save the sodding planet.

This is so, so true. I chucked two plastic trays from a curry oven meal in the waste bin the other night, because the food was really badly burnt on from cooking and even soaking hadn’t shifted some of it. I felt horribly guilty about it and then to make matters worse, DH later fished them out the bin with a horrified look. I said, ‘Well you bloody sort it then!’

I believe women can have everything: beautiful home, career, children, quality time. Looking back and I'm nearly 60 I achieved all that. But and this is a big but, I didn't have it all, all of the time. Life, for men and women, involves compromise and team work and some very careful pacing seasoned well with realism and with materialisn set aside for later.

They are always asking DH for favours too (related to his job) asking him to come and do this or that at their house.

This needs to stop!
I had similar issue, now I'm assuming DH has a trade electrician, painter, joiner etc. If he's like 90% of tradesmen he'll not do work in his own house. I put MY project at the top of the list, your not doing any jobs until you do "x" in here. I waited 9 months for my 15min job to be completed. Meanwhile everybody got the message.

Weekends are precious and need to be ring fenced for both your benefits