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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex’s 29 year old step son dating a 17 year old

279 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 18:37

Obviously nothing I can do/say I get that but is it me or would you find this throughly distasteful?

This is occurring under ex’s roof

OP posts:
Doggodogington · 10/02/2020 11:16

I was 18 when I went out with a 36 year old and thought I was so grown up. It’s only looking back I can see how manipulated I was, how naive compared to the man. He wasn’t doing anything wrong in the eyes of the law but it definitely wasn’t a healthy relationship.

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/02/2020 11:17

@chrissieKeller61
It comes across that their opinion is probably driven more by your attitude than you will admit.
If they think he is creepy , that's one thing and you are correct to be cautious and should have just said that in your initial post as the main reason for your unhappiness.
If they think he is creepy because DM doesn't like 29yolds going out with 17yolds that is something totally different.

NameChange84 · 10/02/2020 11:25

I’ve already posted that I think there is something wrong with a 29 year old that wants to pursue a teenager but out of interest...did your kids think he was creepy/a “paedo” before?

I unfortunatelyknow a 50 year old that was married to a 16 year old. He was able to give her a home, and a business, and fancy holidays and support her financially to be a sahm to their 8 kids. They were “happily” married for 15 years.

Except they weren’t. Because he wasn’t normal. He was an abuser. She was trapped and by the time she was in her 30s he’d turned his attentions to their young teenage and preteen daughters. Eventually the kids were removed from both of their care. She was left with nothing. No kids, no education, no career, in a women’s shelter.

But oh the people that turned a blind eye. It was 16 so it was legal. He was a “father figure”. He could give her the kind of life she “would never have otherwise”.

Just because something is legal doesn’t make it normal.

One of my closest friends was targeted by a man 27 years older when she was 18. She dropped out of education. Became a sahm earlier than she’d planned to have kids because he wanted kids ASAP because his time was running out. She’s never had a job because he believes mums should stay in the home like his mum did. No pension. Lovely house, fabulous holidays, no money worries. She also isn’t allowed nights out. Friends have to go to hers. She has to look after his elderly parents as well as two kids who are currently being assessed for SEN. She has no employment prospects. She is trapped. As her kids get older her life is feeling more and more empty. She’s not as keen on sleeping with a 62 year old at 35 as she was when she was 18 and he was a fit and well 45 year old.

There was undoubtedly a reason he went for a teenager as opposed to a woman his own age or even a woman who was over 25. They wouldn’t have put up with someone as controlling. They would have known that they were entitled to a life other than being his wife, his cook and cleaner, mother to his kids, carer for him and his parents. She tells me, she “knew her own mind” at 18, enjoyed “playing house” initially, felt she was “onto a good thing”. But looking back, he came into her life months after her father died. She had already been vulnerable. She’d been incredibly sheltered growing up.

On the outside - happy family, age gap success story. Truth? She’s miserable and doesn’t want the same for her kids and now she’s older feels grossed out by the fact he pursued her as a teenager.

firsttimemomx · 10/02/2020 11:28

I think it's a bit weird but if it had nothing to do with me I wouldn't give it a second thought tbh

AngelsSins · 10/02/2020 11:41

I think it’s pretty fucking creepy. I can’t imagine being 29 and wanting to date a teenager.

AngelsSins · 10/02/2020 11:44

My mum married my dad at 18, there is a 10 year age gap and they have been together over 30 years, she was and is still more mature then him, it entirely depends on the people, if I was dating someone at 18 who was 28 it would have been pretty wrong because I was quite late in becoming mentally an adult

Yes I’m sure men in their late 20s look to date 17 year old children for their maturity...Hmm

DiegoSaber · 10/02/2020 11:46

The topic comes up on here regularly. Every time it does, a multitude of people reply stating that they have had healthy and successful relationships with similar such age gaps. Now, unless all these people are lying, that means that it CAN work and clearly DOES work with some frequency.

Now, I'm sure some men that age with an interest in girls that age are creepy and/or abusive. So are many men/boys who go for women/girls of their own age. But the age difference alone, based on what I pointed out in my previous paragraph, is not enough to justify meddling in somebody else's business.

AngelsSins · 10/02/2020 11:52

I think people take a very different view when it’s a woman in her late 20s dating a teenage boy. Firstly it’s rare to hear of - why? Secondly she’d be looked at as much more of a creep/odd ball.

Some people will trot out the excuse that it’s different because girls mature faster than boys, but personally I think that’s bullshit, girls are just held to a higher standard.

ChrissieKeller61 · 10/02/2020 12:19

It’s tricky to say isn’t it because obviously I didn’t raise the subject and ask how’s (insert 29 year old son who’s name I genuinely don’t know) getting on does he have a girlfriend and how old is she?

All of the information was volunteered along with their opinion

OP posts:
Beau2020x · 10/02/2020 12:37

The age gap isn't the issue here - 29 year old going out with 41 year old. Not weird.

29 year old going out with an only just legal still at school 17 year old child. Weird and pervy!

YANBU even though sadly it's none of your business. My parents however would have KILLED ME if I went out with a 29 year old when I was 17...

ForalltheSaints · 10/02/2020 13:08

Yes I would find it distasteful. There is a lot to be said for the half plus seven rule (so a 29 year old it would be between 21 and 43 or so, definitely not 17).

Legal but not healthy.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/02/2020 13:43

Some people will trot out the excuse that it’s different because girls mature faster than boys, but personally I think that’s bullshit, girls are just held to a higher standard.

Completely agree. The bullshit people come up with to condone male behaviour, is sometimes scary.

Wtfdoipick · 10/02/2020 13:49

Creepy as fuck but realistically how much of a say does your ex have. It's not just his home and he would get lambasted on here if he was dictating rules to his wife about her son. He would get told to keep out of it, nothing to do with him. He may hate it but also may not have any choice in the situation. You could try talking to him, find out his views and express concern and ask if there is any way he can minimise the impact it is having on your dc.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/02/2020 13:52

3rd-I dated a 17 y.o. when I was 26.

Creepy

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 10/02/2020 14:58

DiegoSaber it's not just the age gap but the fact the younger person is 17 years old. Depending on when her birthday is she was an underage child just over a year ago, and she isn't a legal adult yet - she can't legally vote, she can't leave education if she lives in England, she can't buy alcohol, she would need her mum and dad's permission to get married, people live saying 16 year olds can join the forces but they need their parents permission to do so before age 18 - her boyfriend has been a legal adult for 11 years.

12 years is at least not a generation, he's not quite old enough to be her dad at least, but she is 17 - not a legal adult.

He's 29 and lives with his dad and step mum - why, I wonder. It's well into failure to launch category.

A 29 year old being immature isn't a recommendation for their suitability to date and sleep with 17 year olds - it doesn't mean they're basically the same as a 17 year old, it means that they have some issues they need to work on. Immature doesn't mean youthful, it isn't a good thing and doesn't mean they're less creepy if they're sleeping with a teenager.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 10/02/2020 14:59

*mum and stepdad not dad and stepmum

Bubblysqueak · 10/02/2020 15:03

I met DH at 18 he was 28, we've been together 15yrs and married 10, it doesn't sound half as bad now we're in our 30s and 40s.

fluffiphlox · 10/02/2020 15:04

This is your ex’s stepson?! I’m not sure what it’s got to do with you unless it’s your daughter he’s dating and even then there wouldn’t be much you could do other than feign a lack of concern and wait for it to fizzle out.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/02/2020 15:06

I get that you find the relationship creepy and I understand why. But what do you seriously expect your ex to do about it - and why? Is it because you think it’s a bad influence on your daughter? You only know about this relationship because she told you and said she thinks it’s creepy. You already know she won’t be following the same path.

How do you imagine any conversation between your ex and his stepson going? ‘Listen, I know I’m not your father; plus you’re 29, but the bottom line is my ex wife, who you’ve never clapped eyes on, doesn’t like it, so got to stop, sonny boy’?

You also haven’t said - quite deliberately, I expect - whether your ex’s second wife moved in with him and brought her adult son along, or whether your ex moved in with his wife and the adult son was still living there. If it’s the latter it would be monumentally rude to try to dictate how someone should live in what’s been their home for a lot longer than it has yours.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 10/02/2020 15:09

fluffiphlox what it's got to do with her is that her children spend nights in the house with their father's creepy 29 year old stepson. Her children told her about it, and that they find him creepy.

She's acknowledged from the start that she can't do anything about it.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 10/02/2020 15:15

No well adjusted 29 year old would want to date a 17 year old, that's the crux of the matter. We all know guys who have done this but imo they are always creepy/sexist/lacking in some way.

Alonelonelyloner · 10/02/2020 17:22

There are so many apologists here.

I dated many older men when I was 17 and had longer relationships with a number of them and now I look back (as someone in her 40s) and I know for certain there was not one of them who wasn't on some level a sleaze. A 29 year old male or female who wants to date a 17 year old over someone older (even early 20s) is either not very developed themselves, sexually exploitative, or just an asshole. In my experience (and I've had a lot) so YANBU OP for your misgivings.

Dieu · 10/02/2020 18:05

It's weird, for sure. Far too big an age gap.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/02/2020 18:09

@Alonelonelyloner just because you ended up with creeps doesn't mean we all did

Alonelonelyloner · 10/02/2020 18:11

@GiveHerHellFromUs true. But my opinion is there is something not quite right about a grown adult who wants/prefers a relationship with someone who has only just come out of childhood (if that!). There is a deficiency in some way. That's my opinion. It's not normal or functional.