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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s 29 year old step son dating a 17 year old

279 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 18:37

Obviously nothing I can do/say I get that but is it me or would you find this throughly distasteful?

This is occurring under ex’s roof

OP posts:
SnowyRacoon · 09/02/2020 23:55

Cheryl and Liam had a baby with the same age difference, Scott Disick and his gf started dating when she was 17, been together 3 years now and he seems very settled. Think you should mind your own business and stop looking for issues or arguments where there is none.

TwitcherOfCurtains · 10/02/2020 00:05

Who are Cheryl, Liam and Scott?

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2020 00:10

@TwitcherOfCurtains Cheryl Cole of girls aloud and Liam Payne of One Direction

ChickLitLover · 10/02/2020 00:19

But wasn’t Liam Payne in his 20’s when he had a baby? And of course would have had a lot of life experience as he’d been in a boy band, travelled the world etc. Not really comparable.

Blugh · 10/02/2020 00:28

My mum married my dad at 18, there is a 10 year age gap and they have been together over 30 years, she was and is still more mature then him, it entirely depends on the people, if I was dating someone at 18 who was 28 it would have been pretty wrong because I was quite late in becoming mentally an adult.

TwitcherOfCurtains · 10/02/2020 00:29

Thank you sleeping

Bizawit · 10/02/2020 00:36

I’m with you OP. I don’t think that’s ok. It not illegal, but pretty close!

ragged · 10/02/2020 00:53

Isn't this the Lily Patridger story (Archers)? Meh.

ProclivitiesMcManus · 10/02/2020 01:18

There are some very silly ladies on here

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2020 01:34

^^ Well that was a profound comment. Hmm

PositiveVibez · 10/02/2020 08:20

There are some very silly ladies on here

Odfod

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 10/02/2020 08:33

Do you concede that things were very different back then @Blugh what my dad did you woo my mother you’d be arrested for now. He thought it was romantic

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/02/2020 09:00

@ChrissieKeller61 maybe you're judging other people on your dads behaviour.

You've heard from plenty of people here who've been in a similar relationship where they haven't been manipulated or groomed or whatever and you still think it's gross. You're entitled to your opinion but you're doing the standard thing of asking if you're being unreasonable then insisting you're not regardless of other people's opinions

Changeofname79 · 10/02/2020 09:03

Not unusual, not ideal though. I dated loads of older men at that age but if I had daughters of 17 i wouldnt like it (hypocritical i know)

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 10/02/2020 09:03

I'm not sure the opinion of a poster calling themselves ProclivitiesMcManus are particularly useful on this, or any, subject, except perhaps as an insight into the minds of the slightly creepy...

ironicman · 10/02/2020 09:13

1st thing, I'm male. 2nd, I have a 17 y.o. 3rd-I dated a 17 y.o. when I was 26. This is all dependent on the individual. My eldest daughter is 21 & was very grown up and ahead of her years. If she had dated a 29 y.o yes I'd have been somewhat hacked off but quickly realised that there's sweet F.A. That I can do about it. The younger 17 y.o. Is currently growing up fast and has had severe health and mental health issues which I'm hoping she is coming out of the other side of. If she were dating a 29 year old then yes I would take a somewhat different view BUT would take things on merit. Meet him and see how he treats her/you. There's not quite nothing you can do as she's not yet officially an adult but don't let that fool you. To all intents and purposes she is already there. If you try to interfere too much you are being controlling. My ex was and is like that. Her husband even more so and as they live in his house & they try to tell both kids what to do and don't allow them to grow up and make their own mistakes. Try to talk to 17 y.o. Ask her about him. Ask her about sleeping arrangements at dads and tell her you need time to get used to it. He must show both her and you some respect or it would be very hard moving forward. Currently my youngest and her boyfriend aren't sleeping together under my roof but they will be pretty soon and they do at his anyway......so where do you think she spends most of her time?.......his of course. I've had a bit more of an awkward conversation with my daughter than most of you can have (you have experience of being a daughter and a woman-I don't). She has to stay here a few times sleeping separately and I'll be doing up the other bedroom (not hers) and she will move into that one. At that point she'll be within 2 months of being 18 anyway. It's all about getting used to it.....your problem, not hers. She's at the age where you are not so important to her anyway and she'll do whatever she wants....it's what growing up is about and is tough on us parents.....some more than others.

pontiouspilates · 10/02/2020 09:14

Same age gap with me and DH. We've been married for 23 years!

Poorolddaddypig · 10/02/2020 09:15

Not that big of an age gap, not illegal, not that big of a deal.

Bizawit · 10/02/2020 09:15

@ironicman ugggggghhhhhh

FishCanFly · 10/02/2020 09:37

Meh. Unless there is something else - like he's married and cheating on his wife. Or he has a few kids.

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/02/2020 10:43

I think people are confusing Legal and moral.
Legal would be an open and shut case. In this case no one is doing anything illegal and as such are free to carry on.
Morally you and others may not like it but your outrage doesn't mean that you are either correct or that people in question should be force to listen to you.
All you should worry (if you think its your business) about is if they are happy and treat each other with respect.
Focusing on age is missing the point entirely, as can be seen by the posts by those who have met ppl with vastly differing ages and been happy, and is making it all about you and not them.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 10/02/2020 10:56

I shall never get the opportunity to know eityer party which is probably a blessing therefore my judgement can only be based on what my children report back to me. And given they are hardly nuns themselves if they say it’s creepy I’m going to take their word @Cheeseandwin5

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 10/02/2020 10:58

It's impossible to comment really. A 17 year old who had a secure childhood and has firm boundaries would be able to handle it and not allow themselves to be in a controlling relationship. If the said 17 year old is vulnerable, particularly if she were an SA survivor, then I would worry that she would be at risk of coercive control.

I certainly wouldn't be happy if one of my DDs got involved with a 29 year old, as they're adopted and both of them have attachment issues (particularly DD1).

I can see why you're not happy, especially as your 17 year old is feeling creeped out about it. But there really isn't anything you can do about it seeing as he isn't breaking the law.

ThunderboltandLightning · 10/02/2020 10:58

Winding this back...

This is the ex's STEPson. As he and OP have a 17 year old together, this stepson, was probably approaching adulthood at the very least (unless OP's relationship with the ex was very brief) by the time the ex and the actual parent of this man became a couple. This man, the stepson, is now 29. What exactly is the ex meant to do about it, regardless of how uncomfortable the pearl clutchers of MN are about it? They are both over the legal age of consent and MN usually seem to have the view that stepparents should stay out of the lives of stepchildren and not offer an opinion on their behaviour.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 10/02/2020 11:02

@ ThunderboltandLightning I guess just keep mine away from it ... that would be fine. They think he’s no more than a paedo so I’m sure that’ll make for some cracking Sunday dinners

OP posts: