Ex’s 29 year old step son dating a 17 year old

[ChrissieKeller61]

Obviously nothing I can do/say I get that but is it me or would you find this throughly distasteful?

This is occurring under ex’s roof

Might want to check his internet history.

Sounds a bit creepy that sort of age gap!

Might want to check his internet history.

And how would you suggest OP does that

Op, your daughters surely don't have to stay there while he is there sleeping with girlfriend. It's not nice for them and hardly a good example.

I suspect a lot of much older men who go out with 16 and 17 year olds do it because it's a way of grooming a teenager legally and so many people think nothing of it, sadly.

Well said Mittens.

I have a 17 yr old girl as said before.
Relatively mature, has had a sexual relationship. However with a guy her own age so they can learn together and explore without fear of being groomed.
They are still very young and silly at that age. So exploring their sexuality, making mistakes in between doing Tik tok videos.
Surely this is what youth is about.
I would be gutted if she came home now and said she was seeing a 29 year old

I actually had an 19 year old man refuse to sleep with me when I was 16 because he knew he’d be my first and thought it would be better for me to have that experience with someone my own age. I was heartbroken at the time but thankful now

GiveHerHellFromUs if you're not 27 yet you can hardly have been with the man long enough yet to evaluate your relationship from the perspective of experience! Are your friends your age? Most relationships are fairly casual under the age of 25 IME. Anyone under 25 who is "not happy" in a relationship should be ending it and moving along, it's not the age to settle at, the brain is still undergoing the changes of puberty until then!

I’ve been on both sides of this. At 18 I was dating a 33 year old guy. He was a dick & it only lasted 4 years, but that wasn’t because he was 33.
Now I’m very happily married to someone 16 years my junior, who I first met when he was 18. He’s not a dick, but again, that’s nothing to do with his age.
In between those two I was married to my first husband for 7 years who was more or less my age.

In none of my relationships was there any predatory seeking out of someone younger. I chased after the 33 year old, and my current husband persuaded me to to date him. Sometimes people just don’t look at age when choosing a partner - shared values, sense of humour, attraction and ‘clicking’ are more important.

So for all you who are saying it’s disgusting, or the guy is creepy, or the older partner must have a mental deficiency, I’d ask you to only form judgements based on observing how people are together, rather than on an arbitrary age difference.

Who’s in a long term relationship at 15-19 certainly none of the children I know

I was - married age 22. At 37 we're still very happy.

@ItWillBeBetterinAugust my 7 year long relationship with a baby and a mortgage isn't long enough to evaluate? Ok, sweetheart. Again, that statement is proof that many of us mature much more quickly than others.

How old were you when you got your first full time job? Presumably by how condescending you're being you studied, went to uni, etc?

You'll be surprised how much of a difference that makes.

I know people who are mid twenties, straight out of uni, don't have a clue how the real world works.
They're the people who end up in abusing relationships IME. The ones who think they need to get their lives sorted and grow up and jump straight into bed with the first guy with a bit of money that they meet.

My mum is 11 years younger than my dad. 17-29 not ideal but at that age you like a real man and not some kid with spots. Part of the thing of women being more mature.

GiveHerHellFromUs seven years isn't long enough to declare a relationship a success. A baby is neither here nor there as far as an indicator of relationship health goes. You're still very young and if your husband is a creep who likes teenagers you're probably still young enough. You haven't even reached the age he was when he picked you up as a school girl? Doesn't that make your skin crawl? He was older than you are now and you weren't old enough to leave school!

I had a mortgage at 22 - on my own. Have you ever even lived on your own?

It's very worrying, these adult men who prey on children, and little girls who think they're grown up because they move out of their mum's house and straight in with a much older man, and pop a baby out without any experience of looking after themselves. What do you have to compare your relationship to?

MN is too much a blunt instrument when it comes to situations like this.

There’s black and white and no consideration of any nuances.

You don't know this 29 year old. You don't even know his name?! You don't know the 17 year old. You have zero idea what is going on in either family and under either roof.

Your girls aren't there often enough to know what's going on either. If you were truly that concerned about your girls and what they're exposed to, you'd have at least found out the names of the people living in the house that they go to!

You and your girls are gossiping. Pure and simple. That's fine. We all gossip and judge to a degree but I don't think you're all that bothered about the bad influence on your daughters who you say are way out of his league and wouldn't entertain the idea anyway.

@ItWillBeBetterinAugust so how long, in your worldly opinion, is long enough?

Because in the world of MN you're weird if you're not moving in and getting married after 6 months.

I wasn't a schoolgirl. I was working a full time job. A lot of things happened to me as a youngster that made me grow up quickly. I know people are sneering at the 'maturity' comment in this thread but I can assure you that if he was single now, there's a very slim chance that he'd end up with someone my age, or probably even a few years older.

Trust me I'm more than capable of running my own home and am very clear on what a healthy relationship is.

If he was to leave tomorrow I'd be fine. I have a good job. I'm financially comfortable, off my own back.

You're being incredibly condescending to try and prove an invalid point.

JacquesHammer where's the nuance when the younger party is only 17 and the older 29, as in the OP?

It's not a 12 year age gap with one in their 30s and one in their 40s, it's a legal child and someone who's been a legal adult for 11 years.

The only hints of nuance we have are the fact the op mentioned her family not being in a good place (what a surprise) and him being a 29 year old who still lives with his mum (also not a massive surprise).

where's the nuance when the younger party is only 17 and the older 29, as in the OP?

I more meant age gaps in general.

But actually you make a good point that I suspect the nuance for the OP is their motives.

GiveHerHellFromUs long enough to judge a relationship? Certainly not single figures - on average couples are together 4 or 5 years before they marry, and marriages which end in divorce do so on average after about 12 years... 16 or 17 years then.... Obviously you can never be sure though, whether you've been together 4 years or 40, and there's a bit of a protesting too much note about people stridently claiming to be the happiest couple they know...

Surprised at the replies on the first page, I definitely think this age gap is weird. I swear on lots of threads posters declare 17 year olds as children why is this different then?

Firstly your experience from 10+ years ago is absolutely irrelevant unfortunately. Times have changed and this sort of age gap is weird in 2020. I don’t care if you’re happily married, I’m sure 16 year olds were happily married to 40 year olds back in the day too. Doesn’t make it acceptable in today’s climate. Your experience is outdated.

I’m 23 and wouldn’t date a 17 year old due to the maturity gap/difference in life experience etc. It feels wrong. I also wouldn’t necessarily date a 29 year old because of similar reasons.

Funnily enough this 29 year old guy lovebombed me recently but I just wasn’t into him, something didn’t seem right. He definitely was the sort of guy that wouldn’t be able to attract women his own age. He’s now dating a 17 year old college student. I just think if you’re successful in your career, have your own car/house, looking to settle down etc what can a 17 year old really offer a 29 year old beyond malleability/sex? Their lifestyles do not mirror each other.

Now I’m very happily married to someone 16 years my junior, who I first met when he was 18.

You were 34 and he was 18!!

shared values, sense of humour, attraction and ‘clicking’ are more important.

No, not when one half of the couple is barely out of childhood.

I think it depends on your own personal life too. I teach, so for me a 17 year old is a child. People think girls are more mature than boys... no, they’re not. They’re different, but still CHILDREN.

It feels a bit “legal paedo” to be honest.

I was 17 and went out with a 23/24 year old for a while. Looking back (a looooong time ago) I see how weird it was. He was happy I was u18 and at school. What a fuckin freak.

Skittlesss exactly, and 17 year olds who've had difficult childhoods are more, not less vulnerable and less, not more mature, for all they may have had to develop coping mechanisms.

@ItWillBeBetterinAugust you're entitled to your opinion but I fear you have a very narrow-minded view of the world.

You can only judge on the things you've seen and/or experienced and I can only do the same.

What you're saying about childhood trauma making young adults less mature isn't always true. I've got siblings who it has had the effect you're suggesting on - who would struggle with any relationship and are very vulnerable.
I'm lucky and have gone the other way. As I said previously, I have a good job, I'm financially stable. My brother is the same.

I'll be completely honest, I am emotionally damaged in some ways. There are things from my childhood I'm yet to resolve for myself. But those things haven't made me vulnerable in the way we're discussing or dependent. I don't believe they're what laid out this path for me.