Ex’s 29 year old step son dating a 17 year old

[ChrissieKeller61]

Obviously nothing I can do/say I get that but is it me or would you find this throughly distasteful?

This is occurring under ex’s roof

In my experience (and I've had a lot) so YANBU OP for your misgivings.

But your experience is not exhaustive. Plenty of other PPs have said that they have had totally normal, healthy relationships at similar ages. By calling them apologists, you're implying they're either lying, or they're just too naive/stupid to see that they were (or still are in some cases!) being abused and manipulated by an old creep.

I can't believe how many people are saying it's fine!!

I have seen this on MN before. So many people seem happy that a much older man is in a sexual relationship with a much younger girl - and yes, a 17y is pretty much still girl.

They are still not much more that children at that age. They are not generally that mature - they look it, and can often talk the talk, but it doesn't take very long in their company to realise that actually, yes, they are just a 17y teenager really.

It horrid and there is a clear issue with the balance of power.

A 17 year old who had a secure childhood and has firm boundaries would be able to handle it and not allow themselves to be in a controlling relationship.

Not at 17y. But then ime most 17y with those secure childhoods with firm boundaries wouldn't be dating a 29y man, and their parents - who would still have some level of boundaries and control over their 17y child who lives in their home with them - would be having something to say about it too.

A 29y man should have very little in common with a 17y teenage girl. They SHOULD be at entirely different stages of life.

You really have to question why a 29y is wanting to be with a girl of 17y and not someone nearer his own age.

And a 12y age gap is hugely different if they're both a decade older. But when one of them is just 17y it is just wrong.

Having an older partner probably made it easier for me to achieve what I wanted
Not a transaction I'd ever want for my children. I doubt it is any parents wish.

a multitude of people reply stating that they have had healthy and successful relationships with similar such age gaps. Now, unless all these people are lying, that means that it CAN work and clearly DOES work with some frequency

Plenty of other PPs have said that they have had totally normal, healthy relationships at similar ages. By calling them apologists, you're implying they're either lying, or they're just too naive/stupid to see that they were (or still are in some cases!) being abused and manipulated by an old creep
OF COURSE they think they are in a normal healthy relationship, they are teens. That's the point. Older 'partners' have a whole wealth of experience and knowledge to use on that teen who most likely thinks it's really 'grown up' or cool to have an older person chasing them.
Just go have a look around MN at a lot of the women, crying out, usually with a couple of kids, who are in relationships that we can all see are unhealthy/abusive because they didn't know anything else.

Just because something may be your 'normal' doesn't always mean it is.

CJ But it probably did make it easier for me. He was established, had his own home and career so I didn’t need to start from scratch like I would have done with a partner my own age.

I thankfully have never struggled financially because of him and was able to go for my own career without concerns over money.

My mum and dad loved him to bits. My dad still does.

You can try and make my marriage sound seedy all you like but it doesn’t wash with me. There has never been one abusive aspect to my relationship and I was professionally well experienced in them.

Oh and here is a picture of Scott disick and his girlfriend. For the person trying to defend this using them as an example.
Literally looks like she is just another one of his children.

Woah that's his girlfriend? Dude. That's yuck on so many levels.

There has never been one abusive aspect to my relationship and I was professionally well experienced in them.*

What on Earth is professionally well experienced in them mean? Professionally experienced in relationships? What is that? Professional concubine?

I don't understand the hard time the OP is getting. I would be very unhappy if I had a 17 yearold DD who was going over to her dad's and he was allowing her same-age stepsister to have a 29 year old to sleep over. IMHO that's a completely inappropriate relationship, and comparisons to older people with similar age gaps aren't relevant. However, there's nothing the OP can do about it.

Alone I’ve worked many many years in dealing with domestic abuse incidents including coercive control. I mistakenly used the past tense “was” when I should have said I am professionally experienced in them.

Is that ok with you?

I would be unhappy.
End of.
I have a 17 year old daughter and it would creep her out as well.

OF COURSE they think they are in a normal healthy relationship, they are teens. That's the point

I think you misunderstood my point. I was talking about people who are now older and had those relationships in the past. Some are still HAPPILY married to the person, years later.

For me I was 18 and him 26. It was a perfectly normal relationship. Ended after 3 years because we just grew apart. I had two other long-term relationships after that before I met my now DH when I was 27. I can say with total clarity that my bf from back when I was 18 was not abusive. Or creepy. Or weird. Or manipulative.

DiegoSaber that means absolutely nothing, we all know an overweight or heavy smoker doctor, a well regarded teacher who missed the signs of their own child's dyslexia or bullying, a therapist who needs therapy, a builder who's own house is a mess of half finished projects, a chief who bungs frozen pizza in the oven at home after work... "Physician heal thyself" and all that...

Chef not chief!

Just go have a look around MN at a lot of the women, crying out, usually with a couple of kids, who are in relationships that we can all see are unhealthy/abusive because they didn't know anything else.

Ridiculous. Nobody's denying there are some women in this situation. But there are also a lot of middle-aged women who end up in abusive relationships too. That doesn't mean they're naive or immature. They just got unlucky and ended up with a dick.

DP and I, with a 10 year age gap, are happier than pretty much all of our friends who are in relationships with people of similar ages. But I must be in an unhealthy relationship because it started when I was 17, right?

GiveHerHellFromUs how on earth do you think that you know you're happier than all your friends?

It is creepy that at 27 year old adult sought out a relationship with a 17 year old, yes?

Were you attracted to 17 year olds when you were 27? Would you have considered one for a long term relationship if you'd been single, do you think?

Or is it different for girls, in your opinion?

All these Kool-aid posters saying it’s ok clearly don’t have 17 year old daughters of their own (at least, I hope they don’t). There’s no way I’d be ok with this with my soon-to-be-17 year old dd.

No it’s not ok. It’s creepy and he’s a predator. One of my friends went out with a guy when she was 17 and he was 27. Lost her virginity to him and it completely fucked her up for years after he grew tired of her.

I went out with a much older man when I was 20 and even then I’d say I was too young and naive to handle it. Looking back I can also see that he was exploiting his position to get to me.

I'm sorry, the post I addressed to DiegoSaber
was meant to be addressed to Nicknacky

I can't believe there's people that think this is ok.

I'm 31 now, when I was 16 nearly 27 I got into a relationship with a 24 nearly 25 yr old. At the time I obviously thought it was great but looking back I see how wrong it was. And definitely agree with the posters who say men who do this must be lacking in some way- he definitely was! No job, personal problems. He wasn't a horrible person but he was selfish in many ways.

Funnily enough it was me who ended the relationship when I was 21, buying my own flat, and didn't want him thinking he could move in and scrounge off me.

I absolutely would not want my daughter at 17 dating a 29 year old. I would imagine her parents are trying not to make a fuss because that obviously risks pushing her towards him even more so it's very difficult to deal with as a parent.

I think many young girls go for older guys really .Many like someone a little more mature as young boys can be a bit full on! Some 17 year olds are more mature than others .She is over the age of consent so nothing anyone can do .If he was 40 plus it would be weird but 10 or 12 years is not much really .

It's not the fact that it's 10 or 12 years, it's the fact that she's 17 with someone that much older. Yes 17 yr old girls can sometimes be mature but they are still inexperienced in life and you only have to look at the relationships section on here to see much older women completely blind to how they are being manipulated and controlled, what chance does a 17 year old have?

I think this is why I’m surprised ex and the fucking idiot are condoning, nay welcoming it because her parents are in a tricky position - he/they aren’t though. His mother could say what the fuck are you playing at. But she isn’t which is a reflection on her as far as I’m concerned

I would be very unhappy if I had a 17 yearold DD who was going over to her dad's and he was allowing her same-age stepsister to have a 29 year old to sleep over.

Good job that’s not what’s happening then, isn’t it?

Do at least TRY to read properly.

Creepy. How long they been together?

I think this is why I’m surprised ex and the fucking idiot are condoning, nay welcoming it because her parents are in a tricky position - he/they aren’t though. His mother could say what the fuck are you playing at. But she isn’t which is a reflection on her as far as I’m concerned

Ah - NOW we’re getting to it. You think the second wife is a ‘fucking idiot’, and here you have the perfect stick to beat her with.

How can you be so sure she hasn’t said she disapproves? You only know about this situation second-hand and have never even met the stepbrother. Why do you think a 29 year-old man will make his decisions based on the word of his mother?

It isn't something I'd want my kids to do, male or female, younger or older. I remember being at school and none of the girls with considerably older 'boyfriends' had a decent relationship with their father. It has the feel of exploiting a vulnerability - yes there might be a %age of cases where this isn't happening but I'll bet it's low.
However, you are too removed from the situation to do anything about it. As the mother of the 17 year old I wouldn't ban it, I'd kill with kindness. As the mother of the adult, I've no idea, I'd probably have a chat with my adult child, it's hard to judge really, I've no experience of adults living with parents except a couple of friends who moved back to be carers.

@ItWillBeBetterinAugust because friends talk. I'm not saying my they're not happy, but we're better at communicating and resolving issues than a lot of them are. Our relationship just seems easier. And no he doesn't always get the final say before someone pretends that's the case.

He didn't know how old I was. I didn't hide it either but I worked somewhere that had a bar so I guess he just assumed. I thought he was younger, too.

I haven't reached 27 yet but I've never been interested in younger men. I wouldn't have been with someone who was 17 when I was 17 so I'm probably not best placed to answer that.