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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s 29 year old step son dating a 17 year old

279 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 18:37

Obviously nothing I can do/say I get that but is it me or would you find this throughly distasteful?

This is occurring under ex’s roof

OP posts:
Oxfordnono12 · 09/02/2020 21:05

Sorry son*

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 21:07

Wonder if all these telling you to mind your business would be happy if it was their daughters?

I wouldn't be happy, no. But I understand that I have no say in a 17 year old I don't know going out with a 29 year old. I'll worry about my children, and I'll do my best to steer them in the right direction. I'll look out for their friends that I know and hopefully be an influence somewhere along the way. But I simply cannot take on the moral responsibility for every 17 year old in the world. I'll let more appropriate people in their lives do that.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 21:07

How long are you separated, OP?

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 09/02/2020 21:07

I wouldn’t want my 17 year old dating a 29 year old but as it’s not your 17 year old dating this guy I don’t see why you’re so worked up about it and have the distinct impression that if this was related somehow to your husbands ex you wouldn’t give a flying fuck either.

smashstore · 09/02/2020 21:13

17 year olds go to school Envy < not envy. Creepy as fuck. And I say that as someone who has a partner 20 years older.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 09/02/2020 21:15

I dated a 29 year old when I was 17. He was an abusive wanker, but that was nothing to do with his age, he would have been the same regardless (he was the same with the wife he married at 18). My DH was 22 years older than me and was the best man who ever drew breath - I met him when I was 20 and he was 42.

Age gaps don't always signify poor relationships and as long as both parties are over the age of consent I can't get aerated about them. Your 17 year old has a mind of their own, surely? If they don't like their step brother's choices nobody is forcing them to follow suit.

ShadowOnTheSun · 09/02/2020 21:34

So? What's the problem? Thank god my parents weren't as sanctimonious and narrow-minded as you. I still would have dated who I dated, just in secret.

I was 2months from 18 and he was almost 32. No one forced me, coerced me, used me, hurt me or raped me. These were happy times. My parents didn't bat an eyelid, they met him and liked him. And no, I wouldn't have a problem with my 17 year old having a 29 year old boyfriend, none at all.

It fizzled out eventually, but no regrets and no drama. We're still friends now, just now I'm 32, and he's 46.

I always went for older men and my current boyfriend is also older. Personal preference. Don't see the problem.

However, I don't see 17 year old as 'children', whatever the law says. It's ridiculous.

And you should keep your beak out, it's absolutely not your business.

Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 21:45

ChrissieKeller
My children are sat around eating breakfast the morning after the night before.
As if this is normal
..........
You mean this happens while your children are at their dad's house?
No way!

I agree with others that you have no authority over the man and his young girlfriend but you do not have to allow your daughters to witness it. Tell your ex to stop his son's shenanigans while your girls are in his house. That is so grim!

What is the 29 year old doing still living with dad anyway? Does he have a job?

overnightangel · 09/02/2020 21:50

“It’s not normal though is it. That age difference. 25 year old with a 30 year old maybe”

ALERT THE TOWN ELDERS LEST THESE INNOCENT 24 YEAR OLDS ARE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY THE DEVILISH 30 YEAR OLDS!!!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 21:57

Tell your ex to stop his son's shenanigans while your girls are in his house. That is so grim

The 29 year old isn't her ex's son.

popsydoodle4444 · 09/02/2020 21:58

I met my husband at 16 so I was in a long term relationship in the 15-19 age range.I was engaged at 18,had a baby at 19 and married shortly after my 20th birthday.

At 17 I considered myself mature enough to make my own decisions.Its not your daughter,not your house and not your business.

You say your partner is "turning a blind eye" but what are you expecting him to do exactly?,realistically you can't ban a 17 year old from being in a relationship even if it is with someone older.

AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 22:05

“ I still would have dated who I dated, just in secret.”

Exactly!

AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 22:08

And the thing about dating a teen boy when you’re a teen girl

You could easily end up with someone who still has his parents doing his laundry etc. We were raised to be able to that basic stuff quite early. So if you’re 17 and you date someone with their own income and who can adult, then it never occurs to you to date a man child. I’ve seen women in their 30s doing it. Maybe there’s no link, but anyway, it just struck me.

shinynewapple2020 · 09/02/2020 22:19

I fail to see what influence the OP's ex is expected to have over his 29 year old step-son!

Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 22:21

Ex's step son then. He's still sleeping in ex's house.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 22:37

He's still sleeping in ex's house

Is he? How do you know? The ex may well have moved into his partner's house. The ex would have very little authority over an adult. OP would have even less authority over her ex's adult stepson.

OP, focus on your own children. Give them the tools and confidence to speak up if something is making them uncomfortable. They can't dictate to the 29 year old adult son of their dad's partner. But they can speak to their dad and maybe arrange to see him away from the house, if in fact they are as bothered by this as you are.

Are they?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 22:48

My girls have high self esteem and confidence so a creep like him would never get near them

So you have nothing to worry about that they might be unduly influenced by whatever else is condoned, accepted or welcomed in that house. They are mature and confident enough to make their own judgement.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/02/2020 22:54

I can understand the appeal of an older man or woman to a 17 year old. Anyone over the age of 20 who wants to be in a relationship with a 17 year old, sorry, its weird. Just do not see the appeal.
A lot of 17 year olds are still in school. Are their 29 year old boyfriends waiting outside for the bell to go?

CJsGoldfish · 09/02/2020 23:32

CJ so by your reckoning, was I “manipulated or moulded” when I had relationships which much older men when I was 19/20? I’m genuinely curious if it’s only 17 year olds that you think can be manipulated
Genuinely curious? Sure you are Grin
No, it is not only 17 yr olds that I think can be manipulated. Why would anyone think that?
I imagine something was lacking in your life but it's not for me to say. Older men/women who seek younger (teen) partners know exactly who to target.

It worked out fab for me. I was living with him in a gorgeous flat at 21, I was in the Maldives and other far flung places by 22, passed my driving test and started my life long career at 24.
And now, 21 years later we have two kids and a great house and home life
I'm glad you are happy with your great house. Having 'things' is not a measure of a successful and fulfilling life though. I'm sure yours is different to the usual teen/older man scenario so this wouldn't apply to you.

For every other teen, there absolutely IS a power imbalance. I'm not sure why that is so hard to understand.

Nicknacky · 09/02/2020 23:39

It’s not hard to understand at all. But I think we do women a disservice by assuming because they are young that they are not in control of their own destiny.

Having an older partner probably made it easier for me to achieve what I wanted.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/02/2020 23:44

If there was a 29 year old woman coming on MN to ask advice about the relationship she is in with a 17 year old boy, she would get her arse ripped to shreds.
I'm 29, the thought of having sex, never mind a relationship with a 17 year old boy makes me feel a bit queezy and disgusting. Keep telling yourselves whatever makes you feel better, it doesn't make it any less wrong.

TwitcherOfCurtains · 09/02/2020 23:51

YANBU, it's disgusting and creepy.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/02/2020 23:51

Also my neice will be 17 this year. I would be disgusted if a 29 year old man turned up at family gatherings and introduce himself as her boyfriend.

conduitoffortune · 09/02/2020 23:53

Of course it's disgusting. You should have started a thread as a 29 year old woman dating a 17 year old sixth former. You would have been absolutely fucking roasted!

Emmelina · 09/02/2020 23:55

@iminaglasscaseofemotion definitely. Less than two years ago this same couple would have been a 27 year old man and an underage girl. He was legally allowed to drive and use his beaten up Corsa to attract girls when she was just five years old.