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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s 29 year old step son dating a 17 year old

279 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 18:37

Obviously nothing I can do/say I get that but is it me or would you find this throughly distasteful?

This is occurring under ex’s roof

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 19:44

Chrissie, I understand your misgivings but you can't stop them seeing each other. However you can put your foot down and object to them staying overnight at yours, if that is ever proposed. Your house, your rules.

in years gone by it wasn't at all uncommon for older guys to date girls in their teens but they often (not always!), behaved quite honourably and were respectful to the girl's family who would also know his family. Debutantes were usually 17-18 and it was considered a great success if they bagged a man of thirty.

Times have changed, more sleazeballs have emerged from the woodwork. I had an association with a man of 36 when I was 15! I wasn't his only one either though didn't know that at the time. When it was discovered, who got the blame? Me.

All you can is not allow them to sleep together at your house but that is hardly likely to happen surely, if he is 29 I imagine he has his own place.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 19:44

That is grim @CrazyToast

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 19:45

Oh, sorry, I see they sleep at your partner's ex's house. Well, unsavoury as that may seem - not your problem. She obviously has lower standards than you.

Screamqueenz · 09/02/2020 19:47

I had a male friend who at 31 years old "dated" a 16 year old who worked for him.
He's no longer a friend for a reason, legally over the age of consent, yes, but not an equal relationship.
Not sure what you can soon this situation OP.

CJsGoldfish · 09/02/2020 19:47

No normal 29 yr old would pursue a 17 year old so I do understand what you are saying OP. No, it's not ok, nor is it healthy for the 17 year old. Cue the 'mature' teenagers saying different. It's not ok, it's gross and it's creepy.

I doubt being 'exposed' to it is going to affect your teen and this is just one of those things to moan about the ex about. Which I also get.

So, no, YANBU to think this, but I do think YABU to think you have any kind of 'say' here

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2020 19:47

@Nicknacky I was in a long term relationship from 15 until I was 19 so didn’t have much freedom or experience until my very late teens/early 20’s. exactly, you had differntiate excitations at 19 going into that relationship after your ltr with the drug user in you mid teens.

Dandelion1993 · 09/02/2020 19:48

When I met DH I was 18 and he was 27.

Dont see the issue at all.

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/02/2020 19:48

I agree that it’s a bit perverted. Lots of MNetters will probably disagree citing their own age gap relationships - but dating a 16-18 yo is something normal older men just don’t do.

Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 19:49

ChrissieKeller61 Sun 09-Feb-20 19:15:42
This is a whole different world
Who’s in a long term relationship at 15-19 certainly none of the children I know
.....
Nor me but when I was young I knew people who dated from 14, married at 18, had children and are still together. Different times.

Sorry about my confusion over where this pair are sleeping. I now 'get' they sleep at your ex's house and the stepson is his son from previous. Not your problem.

AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 19:49

“ It's not ok, it's gross and it's creepy.”

I know two marriages that came from this scenario, would you refuse to be friends with people like that?

Seasalted · 09/02/2020 19:50

The older one will influence the younger one and mould them to how they want to be so if it was my child then no I wouldn't be happy. Doesn't mean your dd will follow suit OP just because she knows about it though. Hopefully she has her own mind.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 19:51

It's your ex's partner's son. Who is an adult in their late 20s. I think your ex has little say in it. Do you think if you were in a new relationship when your child is late 20s, that your new partner should have any right to tell your adult son/daughter who they are allowed see?

I wouldn't let my own mother or father dictate to me who I should date at that age, I certainly would take no notice of someone my mother or father were seeing/married to.

Butt out. Your 17 year old doesn't like the other fella. Maybe they fancy his gf?!

Nicknacky · 09/02/2020 19:51

sleeping it was hash and ecstasy. He wasn’t out robbing for his next fix. And certainly hasn’t affected my relationship choices since then.

My main expectations was to be in a relationship with someone who had grown out of that crap.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2020 19:54

Nickynacky not casting aspersions on his character, just saying the relationship itself meant you were more experienced at 19 than you would have been letting your next bf at 17.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 19:54

I feel a bit sick someone else’s 17 year old is getting it under ex’s roof

They 17 year old might also be "getting it" under their own parents' roof too.

You, or your ex, are not parent to anyone in this situation. It's quite simply none of your business. It MIGHT somewhat be your ex's business, but only if the mother is bothered.

TheNoiseHurts · 09/02/2020 19:56

I met my DH when I was 17 and he was 29 🤷🏼‍♀️

Still together 22 years later. It's not that bad.

Nicknacky · 09/02/2020 19:56

sleeping He certainly wasn’t a bad guy, just juvenile despite being older! But I disagree I was more experienced as I would say the opposite was true as I only had experience of 1 serious boyfriend by age 19.

newlifenewme2020 · 09/02/2020 19:56

I dated a 29 year old at 18. It was fine just ended because we wanted different things he wanted to move to London and I didn’t

Richwitch · 09/02/2020 19:57

Like others say....its nothing to do with you. You sound like you're more concerned about causing trouble in your exes life tbf. Perhaps you need help moving on.

ProclivitiesMcManus · 09/02/2020 19:57

This does not involve your child or your partner, it's legal, mind your own business!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 09/02/2020 19:59

And adult (who has been an adult for a number of years) dating a child

No what’s the problem with that Hmm

Oulu · 09/02/2020 20:01

A 29 year old man is in a sexual relationship with a child.

And posters on here are defending it. Right. hmm.

A child above the age of consent. The distinction is highly significant.

x2boys · 09/02/2020 20:02

Mumsnet has some odd ideas about what constitutes a child whilst I do think it's a big age gap and I wouldn't be happy if my 17 yr old was dating at 29 yr old, at just turned 18 my dh neice lost her mum very suddenly and was deemed old enough to be the sole carer of her 9 yr old and 2_yr old siblings just a couple of months before ,she was 17 .

CJsGoldfish · 09/02/2020 20:04

I know two marriages that came from this scenario, would you refuse to be friends with people like that?
No.
I'd know that the younger of the party would know no different. Would not realise they'd been manipulated, or 'moulded' due, in part, to lack of life experience and the maturity to recognise that the older party was deficient in some way and that the relationship was not healthy.

I wouldn't 'refuse' to be friends but I also can't imagine being friends either. It is not the younger parties fault and I'd never 'punish' by shunning. Not really sure of your point Confused

Marriage, even a long term marriage is absolutely NO reflection on the ok-ness of this scenario. Not sure why or how that can be used

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 20:04

Two 16 year olds both over the age of consent - might not like it but not a leg to stand on. The balance of power is the issue.

OP posts:
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