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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s 29 year old step son dating a 17 year old

279 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 18:37

Obviously nothing I can do/say I get that but is it me or would you find this throughly distasteful?

This is occurring under ex’s roof

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 20:31

“ It wasn't until I was older I could see how fucked up the dynamic was.“

And done of us didn’t have that experience at all. It’s over the age of consent. Like I said, you can’t ask them to date a teen boy!

Can you join the army at 16?

AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 20:32

Some
I swear autocorrect is out to get me

Nicknacky · 09/02/2020 20:32

I’m coming from the viewpoint of having a 17 year old daughter with an older boyfriend. Not having a 29 year old son living with me.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/02/2020 20:33

There’s 12 years between us, we always say it would have been seen as icky if we’d got together earlier.

Yogawoogie · 09/02/2020 20:33

I wouldn’t like it.
Do you have any concerns about your 17 year old op?

Limbicsystem · 09/02/2020 20:34

I don't really see why it will affect your child, 17 isn't really a child anyway if I think about what I was doing at 17 lol.

big age gaps used to make me feel weird but theres 12 years between me and my ex and we had a really nice relationship so I suppose it depends on the person. my mum never had a problem with it.
I don't think its your place to say anything though.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 20:35

No as I say my girl is way out of his league in every single way, she wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole.

Hopefully this young girl will see the light.
Shouldn’t we be looking out for everyone’s daughters ?

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 20:35

I’m really glad my parents were cool
I’m 44 though
And they’d have liked me to marry him I think 😂

JMKid · 09/02/2020 20:36

Its creepy. I teach 17 year olds, they are either mature nor adults.

Purpleartichoke · 09/02/2020 20:36

Use it as a good chance to talk to your 17 year old about making smart choices. Point out the power imbalance inherent in a relationship between someone with life experience and financial independence and a teen just starting as an adult. question why a 29 year old would be interested in dating someone who is not his equal. Point out that the age difference wouldn’t Likely matter if they met when both were established in their careers, but right now it is very different.

Nicknacky · 09/02/2020 20:36

So what will you do if your 17 year old turns up with an older boyfriend?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 20:36

This is the perils of "blended" families, OP. If your ex only had his own children they may not have to sit around eating breakfast the next morning with this couple. But, his new partner has an adult living in the house who has a gf, who stays. How many children have you? What age are they and are they as bothered by this as you are?

If they really are uncomfortable with it it seems they are old enough to speak up and tell their dad they don't want to stay with him anymore.

scottishlass123 · 09/02/2020 20:37

A 12 year age gap is not unusual if it were two adults but she is not an adult, she is not old enough nor responsible enough in the laws eyes to even drink or vote in England. It is very distasteful and I would not be happy if my daughter, teenager was dating a man of that age. Further I would be having a conversation with my son if he were at the age of 28 dating teenage girls not women. A 17 year old should be carefree not growing up too fast and participating in adult relationships.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 20:38

Get my shotgun out @Nicknacky

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 09/02/2020 20:39

So apart from stupid answers, what would you do?

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 20:40

I think this is what concerns me. My girls have high self esteem and confidence so a creep like him would never get near them. What’s not right in this young persons life that she thinks dating a 29 year old is a good plan.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 20:42

“ My girls have high self esteem and confidence so a creep like him would never get near them. What’s not right in this young persons life that she thinks dating a 29 year old is a good plan.”

Wow. Just wow.

Nicknacky · 09/02/2020 20:44

So what age of man would she be permitted to date?

Nicknacky · 09/02/2020 20:48

It worked out fab for me. I was living with him in a gorgeous flat at 21, I was in the Maldives and other far flung places by 22, passed my driving test and started my life long career at 24.

And now, 21 years later we have two kids and a great house and home life.

My self esteem has always been just fine and he is no creep despite our age gaps.

And I look at some of the people I went to school with and they aren’t doing so well so I just hope people will meet partners who bring out the best in the, despite what nosy buggers think.

Poppi89 · 09/02/2020 20:48

Trying to stop a 17 year old from dating an older man is just going to push her more towards him, so maybe your ex is allowing it because he knows it won't last and would rather she is safe in her own home where he can keep an eye on her and not living with the new bf.

I know a lot of people with big age gaps and they have very happy relationships but then there are others who find out that they don't have much in common so they end it, so I wouldn't worry too much.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 09/02/2020 20:49

It's always struck me as weird on MN that the parents who helicopter their smaller children are happy to leave them to their own devices when they become teens.
17yo's are easily manipulated and adult men know that.

I think its incredibly naive to think that just because teenage girls are generally more mature than teenage boys that its perfectly reasonable for then to be involved with men knocking on 30.

Oxfordnono12 · 09/02/2020 20:53

Why is it about them having sex? Is that issue? Have you had a conversation with the lad..?

Our age difference isn't a problem at all. I had a good job and my own flat. I very much knew who I was and what I wanted. Furthermore, we had alot in common. We had some much fun.

I think it depends on each person and circumstances. Are they mature? (yes you can be mature at 18) Are they understanding of what a healthy relationship is? Because people who have 3 years difference and are in their 20's and 30's dont know what a healthy relationship is.

If you cant respect them, then keep your nose out. Do you have a good relationship with the daughter?

AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 20:59

nicky “And now, 21 years later we have two kids and a great house and home life.”

That’s great, same for two of my mates and one of them was dating my teacher!

I am not the marrying kind, but if I had been, the 31 yr old or the 25 year old I dated after would have been good candidates. I think it’s great that first relationships are with responsible adults who can do stuff like rent their own home! I certainly never dated any man children after that.

I guess that now, with porn etc, completely different things are expected of girls so perhaps we were lucky in that generation and it’s different now.

My boyfriend even collected me from school sick bay once because it was easier for him to get out of work than my parents. I bet that’s not allowed now.

lemonysnickett88 · 09/02/2020 21:03

At 17 you're not even legally an adult, so yes I think it's weird and if it was my daughter I'd wonder what was wrong with this guy. At the end of the day though, it's not really your business. Not your circus etc.

Nicknacky · 09/02/2020 21:05

Autumn Exactly, and I think people get too hung up on age. Both my older boyfriends were good men, and have continued to be good men. I would far far rather my kids picked good partners based on their personality’s and traits, than their date of birth.