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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being accused of abuse? Should I take my child out of this nursery? Honest opinions!

138 replies

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 15:45

My daughter is 4 and has been going to this nursery since she was 3. Due to start school in September this year. I picked up my daughter on Friday like usual but was in a rush because I had a cab waiting outside and the clock was running. I went to walk out of the door and ‘kirsty’ a nursery worker asked if I could have a chat. She told me that ‘Katie’ the higher up nursery worker had asked her to question me about the bruise on my daughters nose. I looked down at my daughter and saw no bruise. I said “what bruise? there’s nothing there!”
She pulled her into the light and there was the tiniest little bruise so minute and small that I hadn’t even noticed it. I asked my daughter in front of Kirsty. I said “how did you hurt your nose? ” and she replied “I went down the stairs and into the front room and banged it.” I said “what did you bang it on” and she said “the wall.” I said how that was strange because I’d of known if she had done that and she hasn’t mentioned hurting her nose once to me. Kirsty then said to me “can you try get it out of her over the weekend.” At the time I thought nothing of it but now I realise that’s quite an odd remark to say as if she’s hiding something and not being honest. Anyway on the way home in the cab I asked again and she said the exact same thing about hurting it on the wall. When we got home I had realised we had been to my sisters the day before and she was playing with my niece and nephew so I thought maybe she had done it while playing with them. I then asked her once more what she did to her nose. She said the same thing so I then said “and did this happen at mummies house or aunties house?” And she replied “no silly I did it at nursery”. I rang the nursery straight back and asked for Kirsty and told her what she’d said and Kirsty said someone at them nursery would have known so it definitely wasn’t done at nursery. My first thought was to ring my sister because I was quite angry and without sounding patronising my sister has been working in a nursery for a lot longer than all the girls who work in my nursery put together. She then asked me to send a picture of her nose. The first picture she couldn’t see any bruise so I sent another one really close up. She said “that is hardly noticeable and you really have to look closely to even notice a tiny bruise” and she said they have stepped way over the mark and taken safe guarding way over the topthis time. I feel victimised and quite angry and my only thought is to take her out of the nursery and put her into another for the next 6 months and if I can’t find one then take her to lots of fun places etc. Can I please have honest opinions I’m so upset and don’t feel like this is normal practice. The way she told me to try and get it out of her just makes me feel uncomfortable with the whole situation!

OP posts:
SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 15:50

Anyone?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 09/02/2020 15:50

I think you are massively over-reacting. She wasn't accusing you of anything, but they do have to check what's happening if children are turning up with bruises.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 15:51

But this bruise was hardly noticeable. I wouldn’t of noticed it if she hadn’t of asked me! I think she’s fine to nursery with bigger bruises on her legs that have not been questioned.

OP posts:
Tombliwho · 09/02/2020 15:52

I think it's going to look very odd indeed if you just pull her out.

Bathbedandbeyond · 09/02/2020 15:54

A visible bruise on a child’s face, that she can explain is not an issue. Forget about the entire situation.

Cyberlibre · 09/02/2020 15:54

I think you're overreacting. It is reassuring to me to know that they are keeping a check on the children as closely as possible. This to me would show that they are hopefully more likely to pick up when a child may be being abused.

MsChatterbox · 09/02/2020 15:55

The nursery did not notice it in the morning and did not get you to fill in an injury form for it in the morning. Therefore there is no evidence it happened at home. Just keep repeating what she said, ask to speak to the manager and get it all written down. No need to move nurseries I wouldn't think.

DesLynamsMoustache · 09/02/2020 15:56

It must be extremely common for children of that age to have the odd bruise and marks (my friend's DS got three incident reports from nursery in his first week for banging himself on things or falling as he's such a whirlwind!) so I doubt they were really accusing you of anything, but perhaps just handling it clumsily.

RedskyAtnight · 09/02/2020 15:56

It's the nursery's job to worry about unexplained injuries. They are really not accusing you of anything.
Equally, if you do pull your daughter out of nursery now, it's going to look very much like you have something to hide.

Franticbutterfly · 09/02/2020 15:58

OTT if you ask me. My daughter coloured her arm in with one of those fragranced pens and got a reaction from it. I told the teacher in the morning that it was pen (I hadn’t seen it in enough time before school to clean it off) and after school was forced to stay to meet with the teacher and the headteacher because when they asked her she said “I burnt it on the oven” (she had burnt her finger on the oven door weeks before), they didn’t believe me and said that if it were pen it would come off. I felt really victimised, and when I got home used make up remover on it (soap wouldn’t cut it) and sent them time stamped pictures of her arm and the red pen on the cotton wool which I’d used to clean her arm. They never did reply to my email. I understand the need to safeguard but surely it should be done in a way that doesn’t make good parents feel like child abusers.

Wifeofbikerviking · 09/02/2020 15:59

You're overthinking it massively. They just asked. Its easy for your mind to run away on this of course but try to just forget about it. And either answer truthfully if they ask again or carry on as normal if they dont.

DPotter · 09/02/2020 15:59

I think you may be over-thinking this.
No one has accused you of abuse - the nursery nurse has just asked did you know about the bruise and how it happened; possibly not the most tactful way of asking, but that's all she did. It is a fair enough question for a nursery nurse to ask - there's a bruise on your daughter's nose - do you know how it got there?

If they were really concerned, someone more senior would have spoken to you.
I suggest you put it down to a long hard day at work, rushing to collect your daughter with a taxi waiting and someone asking a question about a small bruise. It's so difficult when children are becoming independent, running around the place, knocking their knees and noses on all sorts of things - it's virtually impossible for a parent or a nursery nurse to spot every injury as it happens. And children's memories can also be a bit hazy about small injuries. If it had hurt her that much at the time, she would have told someone or cried.

And to be frank if I was concerned about a parent abusing their child enough to challenge the parent - removal of the child from the nursery would be a bigger flag for concern.
If you can - next time you take your DD into Nursery, have a quiet world with the person in charge and report back what your DD said.

Mummyzzz044 · 09/02/2020 15:59

I think they are massively over reacting. And how dare they tell you to get it out of her!!. I would be upset if anyone suggested something more sinister than what she had said. I'm sorry I dont have any advise really I'm just shocked.
I understand safe guarding but a tiny bruise. What kid doesn't bruise?. Whst person doesnt bruise?. I bruise easily and if you saw my legs they are covered.
I think they would be able to tell by your character that your daughter was telling the truth what happened.
Taking her straight out of nursery would be suspicious. At the same time why the hell would you want to stay there?. I dont know what to suggest I'm sorry but you are right to feel upset.

PurpleFrames · 09/02/2020 15:59

I am involved in safeguarding and we would take an injury much more seriously if the carer removed them from a reporting agency (the nursery in this case). Why? Because you are either avoiding their processes, trying to hide something or not engaging with what is in the best interests of your child. Ie swift medical treatment or ss investigation.

Refreshed · 09/02/2020 16:00

Hoe ridiculous of them. They'd get a shock at the state of DS... He is forever falling. Over his own feet a lot of the time. I have been to A&E about 5 times since he started walking. The most recent of which being blacking out after walking into a glass wall at a Pizza Express

Schmoozer · 09/02/2020 16:03

It’s safeguarding they are just doing their job !!
Nursery staff work hard, are not well paid, and have a lot of responsibility for kids wellbeing
They won’t relish asking these questions !!
Don’t make their job harder !!!!

Mummyzzz044 · 09/02/2020 16:03

They weren't satisfied with the answer she provided, that's the bit that's extremely unprofessional. Asking Is ok. They need to know whether it happened at the nursery or at home.
Once asked they should have been happy with the response. They heard it from the child's mouth.
Not tell the mum to "get it out of her" as if she's lying.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 16:04

I suppose the thing that pisses me off the most is the worker saying to me “can you try and get it out of her over the weekend.” If I’m not being accused that sure does sound to me like they think she is hiding something.

OP posts:
SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 16:07

I wish I could post a picture of her face that day. I took pictures to take with me when she goes back to nursery. You can literally not see any bruise in the pictures! It’s one of those things only a real eye could see and that’s when looking very very closely!

OP posts:
Karenisbaren · 09/02/2020 16:12

I would not take your child out of nursery it will look like your hiding something.

LIZS · 09/02/2020 16:15

Noone has accused you. Maybe your dd said it was sore. If there were serious safeguarding concerns they would not have asked you. Taking her out would look suspicious and odd.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 16:18

I understand that it will look suspicious. I won’t take her out but I will be having words and I will express how angry it has made me. Thanks for some of these answers because I am going to repeat some things that were said when I talk to them! Eg. Safeguarding is fine but not to the point you’re making a mother feel like a child abuser!

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/02/2020 16:21

But some mothers are child abusers. It is not the nursery's place to discriminate but record and report if needs be.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 16:21

Her answer should have been ok! The fact they don’t believe her and what me to try and get it out of her is a worry for me!

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 09/02/2020 16:21

Mountain out of a molehill. You are vastly overreacting. You have explained what your dd said and end of. Unless someone saw her hurt herself noone can corroborate what she has said.

My dd trapped three fingers in the bathroom door. Her skin scraped off and there was some bleeding but she could move them. I told dh to mention it when he took her to preschool as she loves to play in the water table and I wanted them to engage her in other activities whilst her fingers were sore. He forgot to mention it and I was asked what had happened to her hand at pickup. I explained and they said they had to mark it as something that had happened at home and not nursery, perfectly fine with me. It is better for them to err on the side of caution when it comes to safeguarding, they are looking after the most vulnerable people in society who often can't speak for themselves. They should not have to worry about upsetting parents and I was glad that they were vigilant enough to notice.

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