Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being accused of abuse? Should I take my child out of this nursery? Honest opinions!

138 replies

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 15:45

My daughter is 4 and has been going to this nursery since she was 3. Due to start school in September this year. I picked up my daughter on Friday like usual but was in a rush because I had a cab waiting outside and the clock was running. I went to walk out of the door and ‘kirsty’ a nursery worker asked if I could have a chat. She told me that ‘Katie’ the higher up nursery worker had asked her to question me about the bruise on my daughters nose. I looked down at my daughter and saw no bruise. I said “what bruise? there’s nothing there!”
She pulled her into the light and there was the tiniest little bruise so minute and small that I hadn’t even noticed it. I asked my daughter in front of Kirsty. I said “how did you hurt your nose? ” and she replied “I went down the stairs and into the front room and banged it.” I said “what did you bang it on” and she said “the wall.” I said how that was strange because I’d of known if she had done that and she hasn’t mentioned hurting her nose once to me. Kirsty then said to me “can you try get it out of her over the weekend.” At the time I thought nothing of it but now I realise that’s quite an odd remark to say as if she’s hiding something and not being honest. Anyway on the way home in the cab I asked again and she said the exact same thing about hurting it on the wall. When we got home I had realised we had been to my sisters the day before and she was playing with my niece and nephew so I thought maybe she had done it while playing with them. I then asked her once more what she did to her nose. She said the same thing so I then said “and did this happen at mummies house or aunties house?” And she replied “no silly I did it at nursery”. I rang the nursery straight back and asked for Kirsty and told her what she’d said and Kirsty said someone at them nursery would have known so it definitely wasn’t done at nursery. My first thought was to ring my sister because I was quite angry and without sounding patronising my sister has been working in a nursery for a lot longer than all the girls who work in my nursery put together. She then asked me to send a picture of her nose. The first picture she couldn’t see any bruise so I sent another one really close up. She said “that is hardly noticeable and you really have to look closely to even notice a tiny bruise” and she said they have stepped way over the mark and taken safe guarding way over the topthis time. I feel victimised and quite angry and my only thought is to take her out of the nursery and put her into another for the next 6 months and if I can’t find one then take her to lots of fun places etc. Can I please have honest opinions I’m so upset and don’t feel like this is normal practice. The way she told me to try and get it out of her just makes me feel uncomfortable with the whole situation!

OP posts:
AuditAngel · 09/02/2020 18:30

On one day at nursery I had to sign 3 separate accident forms for things that happened while he was in their care. If they had asked me about a tiny, almost invisible bruise, I might have laughed at them.

Littlebean0506 · 09/02/2020 18:30

Does her nursery have stairs? If they do she shouldn't have be unsupervised going up or down them. If not then she proberly wouldn't have done it at nursery??
They will ask more about a noise over a small bruise on the leg as legs are a common area for a child to bruise whereas a nose would be harder causing the red flag.
If they've never had concerns before then don't worry, I think you are seriously over reacting and don't take her out especially.
They should of asked her what happened, where etc without putting words in her mouth especially if they had real concern because if you where abusing your daughter then she wouldn't tell them in front of you..

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 18:35

@Littlebean0506 yes her nursery has 2 sets of stairs so I initially did think that she could of came down the stairs and banged her head but like they said I do agree that they would of known. It’s just baffling.

OP posts:
Serin · 09/02/2020 18:39

Our 4 year old once told his teacher that we had locked him in the attic all weekend.
Luckily his teacher is a friend and neighbour and knew we had been away in our caravan all weekend. Also our house doesn't even have an attic.
I feel for you OP but I think it is probably youth and inexperience on behalf of his carer that has led to this misunderstanding. It could have been handled so much better.

Littlebean0506 · 09/02/2020 18:41

It's one of those things unfortunately. I work in a nursery and have done for the past 6.5 years and there have been some children who barely bump themselves and carry on playing who end up with bruises, I think some just bruise easier than others.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 09/02/2020 18:46

So your child hurt her nose at nursery? I suggest you ask to speak to Kirsty and tell her that followed up with suggestion to brush up on her ppl skills

Lndnmummy · 09/02/2020 18:58

I know it’s uncomfortable OP, but they are just trying to do their jobs. I have had a few questions about both my boys (they have a loft of bruises) and once I have explained them it’s never been an issue. My eldest was the kind where they knew him by name at A&E when he was in reception. Thankfully he has calmed down now. I would, calmly, keep saying the same thing that you have already said. Stay calm and try not to sound defensive, say you understand that they are doing their job but your girl is telling the truth and that’s that.
My dh once got into an argument with one nursery manager because our son got injured at nursery. There was no incident form so we asked what had happend. The nursery manager went all out guns blazing saying the mark indicated that it had happend at home, bla bla bla. Luckily we had taken a photo of our son before drop off, no mark, so that settled that one.
We also had issues as one of our boys have darker pigments (Mongolian spots) on his bottom, it looks a lot like a bruise. Id forgotten to mention it when I registered him and the manager called me at work to ask about it after his first nappy change. I could see how that would have been alarming to them. They are trained to be on the look out for these things, they are only trying to protect the little ones.

Just try to stay calm, keep repeating what your girl has told you. If it happens again, thank them for being so vigilant and just tell them what you know.

Waveysnail · 09/02/2020 19:06

Nursery probably needs form filling in and need to know how bruise happened. Badly worded by nursery worker but nothing sinister imo

mnthrowaway202020 · 09/02/2020 19:09

I suppose the thing that pisses me off the most is the worker saying to me “can you try and get it out of her over the weekend.” If I’m not being accused that sure does sound to me like they think she is hiding something.

Logically think about it, why would they say actually that if they thought you were (god forbid) beating your toddler? They think you’ve hit her and then ask you to “get the story out of her over the weekend?” That’s surely a safeguarding absolute no. They would just be making things worse for an abused child? It would surely lead to a coaching session where you’d tell your toddler invent a fake story to hide the abuse? Etc

Mummyzzz044 · 09/02/2020 19:20

@ladybee28. No the mother was satisfied with the answer. They didnt believe it and suggested she continued to press her DD. What the child said did happen. It just happened in a different environment.

Grandmi · 09/02/2020 19:28

The fact that only Kirsty could see this bruise suggests that it happened at nursery !! Accidents happen wherever children can be . I have three grown up children and can honestly say I was never quizzed about bumps and bruises.

Porkeypine · 09/02/2020 19:29

I believe it’s something they have to ask if it’s in their face.

My dc (7) year 3 has had a couple of bruises on their face since they’ve been at the nursery and school (4.5 years) and I’ve been asked on two separate occasions about a bruise on face.

I had no idea how dc done it. Just turned up at school and teaching assistant asked if I knew how dc done it. I had no idea and had to say that.

Dad and I are not together so dc was with their dad the nights before and he had no idea either. (He’s an amazing dad)
Teaching assistant said they just have to ask and no way was she thinking it was done by either ex partner or myself. She said it’s to cover their back as well to make sure they’ve not done it there without anyone seeing.

That was of course the end of and never heard a thing about it. My dc has an older sibling and they sometimes get excited and a bit over the top so they could have got it due to an over excited scuffle. No idea.

Thing is it could easily be done at nursery too and take day or two to come out. Don’t feel like they are accusing you OP. Look at it as a positive that they’re doing their job properly. Don’t take her out of nursery that does look a bit suspicious. I’m sure you’ll not hear a thing about it.

Also my DC is like jackanory. They make up stuff for fun and I dread to think what they could say to school without realising the problems it could cause 😂 I can’t believe a world that comes from their mouth at times. Don’t worry OP

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 19:38

My 5 year old niece came home from school telling everyone her teacher punched her in the face (in front of a full classroom), knocked her to the ground, dragged her up by the hair and continued to punch her in the face. Kept the story up all weekend.

Turns out my niece had stuck her tongue out at another child "by accident" 😉. And her teacher had given out to her ie. told her that wasn't a nice thing to do.

Niece took offense to being corrected and concocted a story to show the teacher who was boss!!

Niece is now a 22 year old primary school teacher 😂

Skysblue · 09/02/2020 19:38

Good reasons to take child out of nursery:

  • child not happy there
  • care inadequate
  • hours etc not working out

Bad reasons to take child out of nursery:

  • feeling offended by staff

They had to ask about the bruise cos it was facial. They phrased it badly and clearly are a bit stupid but that’s not uncommon in childcare.

I wouldn’t expect a 4 yr old to have a clue where a bruise came from unless fhere’d been a major incident.

Their saying that they would know if it happened at nursery is the most annoying bit as obvs impossible for them to be so sure

ladybee28 · 09/02/2020 19:43

@Mummyzzz044 it's here:

"I said “how did you hurt your nose? ” and she replied “I went down the stairs and into the front room and banged it.” I said “what did you bang it on” and she said “the wall.” I said how that was strange because I’d of known if she had done that and she hasn’t mentioned hurting her nose once to me."

Took a few reads myself to see this part, but that's not the nursery saying the daughter's explanation was strange, it's OP.

cabbageking · 09/02/2020 19:46

The nursery should be questioning injuries and following up if they get odd replies, bruises are in unusual places, versions differ, they are other concerns, the parents appear defensive, no one knows how the injury happened etc.

Avoid nurseries that are not asking questions because they don 't care enough to ask courageous questions or they don't have rigorous procedures in place.

NarwhalsNarwhals · 09/02/2020 19:47

They'll have asked you about it because bruises on noses aren't that common so its fairly standard to ask what happened.

They will then have asked you to try and find out over the weekend because you said "that was strange because I’d of known if she had done that and she hasn’t mentioned hurting her nose once to me" which suggested either you weren't sure DDs account wasn't true or you didn't want them to think she'd done it at home.

It doesn't sound like they are concerned about you, just that they want to get to the bottom of what happened but if you pull her out that will be an immediate concern as it will look like you are hiding something. To be honest the way you are over reacting would worry me far more than any bruise on a toddler.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 19:50

@ladybee28 yes I did think it was strange but I can’t say for sure if it DID happen or didn’t happen. I’d like to think I’d of noticed if she had banged her nose on a wall at home. But like previous person just mentioned, a 4 year old won’t have a clue where a bruise came from unless it was a major incident/accident! The fact that she was asked by me and the nursery worker and told her story and the fact that I had said I hadn’t a clue where it came from as I hadn’t noticed it... that SHOULD have been enough. The whole’ try and get it out of her over the weekend’ is baffling as I don’t know how I could possibly do that if she hadn’t remembered when questioned throughout the Friday! It’s stupid to say the least!

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 09/02/2020 19:53

Make sure it put it in an email.

Dear nursery head,

On Friday x date at x time when I collected dd I was asked how she'd got a bruise on her nose.
I hasn't been aware of a bruise when I sent her in at x time and couldn't see the bruise when asked.
When dd was moved into bright light I saw a small bruise about Xmm.

Dd explained she's come down stairs and ran into a wall. I hadn't recalled her doing this and nursery asked me to confirm with dd. She gave the same response 3 times.

It was only when I questioned which stairs and wall did she inform me it was at nursery.

This will be why I hadn't noted a bruise before dropping her off.

I informed x person on x date at x time of what dd reported as requested.

Please update your accident records accordingly and have it ready for me to sign on x day/ session when dd next attends.

Thank you for your co operation

Xxxxxx

Every time you think people may try and fit events to their agenda you should create a factual paper trail.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 19:54

this was taken half hour after being questioned. I’d like to know what the need for questioning her over the weekend would be? Does her nose look hurt?

Am I being accused of abuse? Should I take my child out of this nursery? Honest opinions!
OP posts:
SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 19:56

@itsgettingweird I have actually wrote out a formal complaint and will drop it in the complaint box when I go back. I will then wait until I’ve picked her up to have the conversation as I feel like I wouldn’t be able to get everything out in words as sometimes not everything comes out the way you want it when you’re abit nervous.

OP posts:
SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 19:58

I can copy and paste my complaint here if anyone would like to give me an opinion on it?

OP posts:
StealthMama · 09/02/2020 20:02

Well not sure what your complaint says, but my first action, having 'got it out of her over the weekend' would be to ask the nursery to explain how it happened. Were there not enough staff on that day? Is your daughter regularly going up and down the stairs at nursery? Room layout etc. Was it records in the injury book? Etc etc

Believe what your daughter told you, and pass the buck back to them.

StealthMama · 09/02/2020 20:03

Gorgeous girl by the way :)

Oblomov20 · 09/02/2020 20:04

This has been badly handled. The nursery safeguarding seems completely OTT and 'trying to get it out of her' is NOT the recommended wording in these kinds of situations.
I too suggest talking to the manager.