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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being accused of abuse? Should I take my child out of this nursery? Honest opinions!

138 replies

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 15:45

My daughter is 4 and has been going to this nursery since she was 3. Due to start school in September this year. I picked up my daughter on Friday like usual but was in a rush because I had a cab waiting outside and the clock was running. I went to walk out of the door and ‘kirsty’ a nursery worker asked if I could have a chat. She told me that ‘Katie’ the higher up nursery worker had asked her to question me about the bruise on my daughters nose. I looked down at my daughter and saw no bruise. I said “what bruise? there’s nothing there!”
She pulled her into the light and there was the tiniest little bruise so minute and small that I hadn’t even noticed it. I asked my daughter in front of Kirsty. I said “how did you hurt your nose? ” and she replied “I went down the stairs and into the front room and banged it.” I said “what did you bang it on” and she said “the wall.” I said how that was strange because I’d of known if she had done that and she hasn’t mentioned hurting her nose once to me. Kirsty then said to me “can you try get it out of her over the weekend.” At the time I thought nothing of it but now I realise that’s quite an odd remark to say as if she’s hiding something and not being honest. Anyway on the way home in the cab I asked again and she said the exact same thing about hurting it on the wall. When we got home I had realised we had been to my sisters the day before and she was playing with my niece and nephew so I thought maybe she had done it while playing with them. I then asked her once more what she did to her nose. She said the same thing so I then said “and did this happen at mummies house or aunties house?” And she replied “no silly I did it at nursery”. I rang the nursery straight back and asked for Kirsty and told her what she’d said and Kirsty said someone at them nursery would have known so it definitely wasn’t done at nursery. My first thought was to ring my sister because I was quite angry and without sounding patronising my sister has been working in a nursery for a lot longer than all the girls who work in my nursery put together. She then asked me to send a picture of her nose. The first picture she couldn’t see any bruise so I sent another one really close up. She said “that is hardly noticeable and you really have to look closely to even notice a tiny bruise” and she said they have stepped way over the mark and taken safe guarding way over the topthis time. I feel victimised and quite angry and my only thought is to take her out of the nursery and put her into another for the next 6 months and if I can’t find one then take her to lots of fun places etc. Can I please have honest opinions I’m so upset and don’t feel like this is normal practice. The way she told me to try and get it out of her just makes me feel uncomfortable with the whole situation!

OP posts:
SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 20:05

@StealthMama thanks so much! 😀

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 09/02/2020 20:06

YABU, ridiculous and overreacting. Nobody is accusing you of anything.

LunaTheCat · 09/02/2020 20:06

This sounds daft! Children have bruises all the time. The sort of bruises that are a concern are bruises that look like finger marks or in unexplained places. Bruises that are small and occur on the front of the body are much less concern - children are always bumping themselves and you wouldn’t expect a child to know or remember.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 20:09

On Friday I picked up X and was in a rush because I had a cab waiting outside and Kirsty told me that Katie had asked her to speak to me about a bruise on X nose. I looked down at X nose and could not see a bruise. Kirsty then brought her under the light to show me a tiny minuscule bruise on her nose, so small that I had not noticed it at all that day. I asked X in front of her and she said she had walked down the stairs and into the front room and banged it on the wall. I thought that was strange as I would have noticed if that had happened at home. Kirsty then told me to “try and get it out of her over the weekend.” I don’t know what I was meant to ‘get out of her’ over the weekend? I feel like that comment wasn’t appropriate as the bruise was not noticeable and therefore X had to be brought under an artificial light just for it to be seen. We had been to my sisters the day before and she was playing with her cousins so i initially thought that she might have fallen over there. So when we got home I asked X how she had hurt her nose and she said the same thing to which I then asked “did this happen at Mummys house or Auntys house. She replied “no silly, I did it at nursery.” I’d just like to point out that when I dropped her to nursery that afternoon as I walked away I heard X telling Katie that we had been to the beach. We have not been to the beach so it just shows what imagination she has. If she can mention going to the beach when we haven’t I am pretty sure I can not “get out of her” how she got the small bruise as I really don’t think she remembers herself! I understand safe guarding and questioning bruises but this bruise was clearly not noticeable and the comment about getting it out of her over the weekend not needed. I’ve attached 2 pictures that I took on the Friday when we got home and I am unable to see the reason as to keep pressing her over the weekend about it. Just to add, I wouldnt expect a 4 year old to have a clue where a bruise came from unless it was a major incident. Thank you.

OP posts:
SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 20:10

My thoughts exactly @LunaTheCat

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 09/02/2020 20:24

Oh my god you are so over the top it’s unbelievable

YgritteSnow · 09/02/2020 20:29

I honestly read MN like this Hmm more than half the time. The complete unwillingness to ever acknowledge that someone in a position of responsibility might actually be an officious drama lover or indeed covering their own tracks. The use of "get it out of her" is ridiculously dramatised language implying there's some kind of cover up going on. I'd be pissed off too. I don't know anyone in RL who would accept this gratefully and as obsequiously as MNetters mostly claim they would. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be stressed at the implied accusation, and only grateful for a nursery worker making a veiled accusation as it just means she cares. I think people lie on here a lot!

saraclara · 09/02/2020 20:33

I world be a bit stressed, but I wouldn't be getting exciteable about it, thinking to move my child, or going in with all guns blazing.

OP seems determined to make them more suspicious of her, rather than approach this calmly.

KTCluck · 09/02/2020 20:34

Honestly Silver, I know you’re upset about what was said but what you’ve written is quite rambling and sounds defensive. If you really feel that you want something documented then by all means list the facts, but to me making a written complaint seems so out of proportion to what was said.

If you still feel that’s what you need to do then keep it brief. You felt as if you were being accused of something, and that the nursery worker’s comment of ‘try and get it out of her’ was inappropriate.

I’d certainly leave out the part about the bruise being minuscule and difficult to see - surely it doesn’t matter how big or obvious a bruise is, it’s the fact that it is there that is being asked about.

I do partly see where you are coming from, and it may not have been handled perfectly by the staff member, however I really think you should step back and calm down. Listen to the vast majority of posters who are telling you you are over reacting.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 20:34

@YgritteSnow thank you so fucking much! Just what ive been thinking for a very long time. I see half of Mumsnetters as these stone cold robotic mothers who have no chance of feeling emotion or stress! Oh what it would be like to be one of those!

OP posts:
saraclara · 09/02/2020 20:36

Your draft is way too wordy and emotional, OP. @itsgettingweird has posted the perfect email response a few posts back. Use that. It's straightforward, clear, and formal enough to show you won't be messed with, while remaining polite and calm.

KTCluck · 09/02/2020 20:37

Plus as I said earlier I really don’t think the nursery are accusing you of anything. They were pointing out a bruise to you, asking where it came from, and when you didn’t know but didn’t feel DD’s answer was correct, suggested asking her again.

YgritteSnow I may feel a bit stressed by such an exchange but I certainly wouldn’t have considered pulling DD out of the nursery and making a complaint.

mnthrowaway202020 · 09/02/2020 20:42

I wouldn’t send that complaint email. It’s very poorly written. You’re waffling, not getting to the point etc. In fact that’s the main issue, your actual point (the complaint) is lost amongst the rambling, so it makes any valid points that you may have seem weak/unremarkable. Don’t send it unless you want to embarrass yourself. It reads like a Facebook rant.

You need to clearly and concisely lay out what exactly was wrong with the staff member’s conduct.

Casino218 · 09/02/2020 20:43

My daughter is 14 now. When she was 4 Igot taken to one side by a nursery worker and questioned about bruising to her eye. I looked at her eye (well the corner of the eye socket). I said have you a wet wipe. She said yes. I took the wet wipe and wiped the tiny smudge of green face paint away. I said it was Halloween yesterday. You could try checking properly yourselves before you accuse me of neglect!

Pigsmightfly212 · 09/02/2020 20:44

If you feel you want to remove her from the nursery then that is your choice as a parent.
No-one is going to question you for doing that. It's your choice.
I can totally understand how you are feeling.
The fact it happened at nursery and they are questioning you about it is just so wrong.

Casino218 · 09/02/2020 20:45

Those people on here who say'they are not accusing you of anything they just want to ...' have obviously never been in that position. It makes you feel quite shitty!

KTCluck · 09/02/2020 20:51

Casino I have been in that position actually (twice- once when they asked where a bruise had come from, and once when they asked if I had seen a doctor regarding her nappy rash as she was getting it quite a lot. I told them I hadn’t, as it only happens when she did a stealth poo so I wasn’t concerned. Then she did one there a few days later and they apologised for the bad nappy rash). It was uncomfortable but I had the sense to realise that they were looking out for my daughter and didn’t jump to the conclusion that they were implying I had hurt her or was neglecting her.

BatShite · 09/02/2020 20:51

DDs nursery used to be a bit OTT about injuries, but fairly sure they are meant to ask about anything unexplained so I never took it personally. When DSS kneed DD in the head when she was a few months old and me being a first time mother flapped about like cazy and took her to be checked in hospital (!) they were very very pointed with asking questions about how it happened. Made a point of asking 3 times how old DSS was,,he was only 8 at the time, it was not on purpose and tbh a few things all added up to her being kneed. But a huge huge deal was made. I do get why, as it could have been a purposeful thing and they have to check, but its one of my strongest memories from when she was younger tbh!

That was a long waffly way of saying people who work with young kids kind of have to check ot all unexplained injuries..its normal..don't get mad or paranoid! Also taking her out of nursery because a small injury is bing questioned looks..dodgy as hell. You would be making yourself look guilty of something really

shoppingforastorm · 09/02/2020 20:53

I agree with @YgritteSnow and I would feel like pulling my dd out because I would have lost confidence in the staff, especially after their denial that anything happened in nursery, as how could they know for certain, and I would also wonder whether pulling her out would then kick start more of an investigation.. so, OP, Flowers

I would probably do an email to the nursery with a photo of the bruise and say that when you asked your dd she said it had been done at the nursery, and that you were not concerned about it. Then look for other nurseries and move your dd to a nursery whose staff who you have more confidence in and tell them about the bruise event.

baubled · 09/02/2020 20:56

I would be annoyed that they're so sure it didn't happen on their watch yet are happy for you to keep questioning your daughter when she gave an answer there and then.

For what it's worth, my DS comes home with far more bruises than what he goes in with because he has more space to run round and more people to run round with! I can't say I've ever felt the need to question them or vice versa.

DecemberSnow · 09/02/2020 21:01

The nursery have very little understanding about safe guarding issues and if they suspect you. They shouldn't be saying anything, in this case, small bruise on nose, they should be noting it down and putting it on file and building a case of needed / appropriate, Injuries, things child has said etc... They definitely should not be questioning a child

The nursery is trying to protect your child, although going round it the wrong way.

I would not take my child out of nursery over this, It looks suspicious

PickleBottomNo3sMum · 09/02/2020 21:06

Could they maybe be trying to tick a box for Ofsted?

AngelsOnHigh · 09/02/2020 21:06

I think they know she did it at Nursery and are covering their backs in case it gets worse.

OhTheRoses · 09/02/2020 21:09

I'd be asking to meet with the owner or manager, requesting absolute chapter and verse and for an apology to be written up in my child's record.

These people forget most parents are kind and loving and actually are the client who can move their business if the service is less than optimal.

Shockinv OP. You have my sympathy.

Evilspiritgin · 09/02/2020 21:11

Why AIBU when all your doing is sounding deranged and are all over anyone that agrees with you

Yes I’ve had nursery ask me questions about bruises no I don’t think about bar that split second, in the same way as when a police car on blue lights is coming behind you and you think to yourself have I done anything wrong