Am I being accused of abuse? Should I take my child out of this nursery? Honest opinions!

[SilverGlitterSparkle]

My daughter is 4 and has been going to this nursery since she was 3. Due to start school in September this year. I picked up my daughter on Friday like usual but was in a rush because I had a cab waiting outside and the clock was running. I went to walk out of the door and ‘kirsty’ a nursery worker asked if I could have a chat. She told me that ‘Katie’ the higher up nursery worker had asked her to question me about the bruise on my daughters nose. I looked down at my daughter and saw no bruise. I said “what bruise? there’s nothing there!”
She pulled her into the light and there was the tiniest little bruise so minute and small that I hadn’t even noticed it. I asked my daughter in front of Kirsty. I said “how did you hurt your nose? ” and she replied “I went down the stairs and into the front room and banged it.” I said “what did you bang it on” and she said “the wall.” I said how that was strange because I’d of known if she had done that and she hasn’t mentioned hurting her nose once to me. Kirsty then said to me “can you try get it out of her over the weekend.” At the time I thought nothing of it but now I realise that’s quite an odd remark to say as if she’s hiding something and not being honest. Anyway on the way home in the cab I asked again and she said the exact same thing about hurting it on the wall. When we got home I had realised we had been to my sisters the day before and she was playing with my niece and nephew so I thought maybe she had done it while playing with them. I then asked her once more what she did to her nose. She said the same thing so I then said “and did this happen at mummies house or aunties house?” And she replied “no silly I did it at nursery”. I rang the nursery straight back and asked for Kirsty and told her what she’d said and Kirsty said someone at them nursery would have known so it definitely wasn’t done at nursery. My first thought was to ring my sister because I was quite angry and without sounding patronising my sister has been working in a nursery for a lot longer than all the girls who work in my nursery put together. She then asked me to send a picture of her nose. The first picture she couldn’t see any bruise so I sent another one really close up. She said “that is hardly noticeable and you really have to look closely to even notice a tiny bruise” and she said they have stepped way over the mark and taken safe guarding way over the topthis time. I feel victimised and quite angry and my only thought is to take her out of the nursery and put her into another for the next 6 months and if I can’t find one then take her to lots of fun places etc. Can I please have honest opinions I’m so upset and don’t feel like this is normal practice. The way she told me to try and get it out of her just makes me feel uncomfortable with the whole situation!

The use of "get it out of her" is ridiculously dramatised language implying there's some kind of cover up going on.

To me, it's just normal words. I'd say something like that. Perhaps a little blunt and coloquial but not dramatic or implying anything.

I don't know anyone in RL who would accept this gratefully and as obsequiously as MNetters mostly claim they would. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be stressed at the implied accusation

I don't think anyone would be obsequious about it but nor would I get stressed. This would be an utter non-event to me, and clearly to many other posters. I have experienced similar from our nursery.

It's not that I don't have similar worries, of hidden meanings and me not doing things right, to the OP- I think lots of people will empathise with the OP's worries. It's just that I know those are my issues, not other people's intent.

OP you need to look objectively about this:

1. They don't think you are a child abuser. They would not have asked you to speak to her.

1. They didn't imply she was being abused. At worst it's a little over-concern or tactlessness by one person. You need to accept the posibility (given how many people disagree) that at least some of the misunderstanding is from you.

1. I recognise a lot of what you are feeling, so I suspect you must know already that you over-react to some situations. You need to be honest with yourself about your response:

Why are you complaining? What do you gain from it? The nursery will apologise and say that they didn't mean anything by the comment (which is true) - will that help you feel better or will you feel embarassed?

Were it me, I would not send the letter.

Op you're over-reacting. She clearly didn't think you did it as she wouldn't ask someone she thought was an abusive mother to 'get it out of her' if she did.

Chill.

You are overthinking it and turning it into a bigger deal than it was. You asked your daughter, she told you the answer. That's the end of it.

As a childcare professional of 40yrs I would be far more suspicious about a parent who knew exactly where every bruise came from, because that's nigh on impossible with most children. It's ok to say 'I have no idea' if you don't. My own children were always covered in bruises and most of the time even they didn't know where they got them. Taking her out would also make me wonder why if that's the only question you were asked.

Comments like this really puzzle me - I do wonder where some people on mumsnet reside!? I have 4 dc’s and have never in my life been asked to explain a bruise or minor scrape.

6 years in primary school, dozens of bruises over the years that DD has no idea how they came about. Nobody from school has ever asked me about them.

I wouldn't complain. You aren't complaining they noted a bruise. They have a duty of care.

You are wanting a factual report on file. It can only be a she said he said situation because no one knows how it actually happened. But the facts don't change re timings and reports etc.

Thanks Sara I have a child with send on an ehcp. I've perfected my emails over the years through necessity!

Stop over thinking, they approached it badly with poor language use and yes it is upsetting.. Just reiterate that your child has repeated the same scenario and that it was a nursery. Ask your dd to show you where in nursery she bumped her nose.

Whilst it is very upsetting, the nursery are required to ask, better to ask when in doubt than miss a case if real abuse. I had the same when my dd who is now in her 20s kept rocking up with bruises on her calf muscles - in the end I got them to come outside and watch her ride a pedal trike..... feet down to stop, pedals whack the back of her legs every time. That was it, no more comment made.
And for what it's worth she still can't ride a bike without ending up black and blue!

OP I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. It was badly handled as a safeguarding issue. My done us 4 and from the age of 1 (he started walking at 9 months) has managed to collect a few new bruises each day. I have no idea how he gets them and if you ask him, he has no idea either! There is nothing more you can do, you have asked your daughter, nursery have asked your daughter and her explanation isn't changing. It seems very ott for a tiny bruise.

*my son is 4 and from the age...

This ia going to look far worse if you pull her out.

Asking about an injury is normal. Dismissing what your DD has said because it points to them is not ok. If you do talk to them again ask them about that. How your DD was injured in their care and they didn't notice? If they dismiss it again as not happening there, ask them why they want your DD to say what happened if they're not going to believe her when she does.

I was challenged over 'DD3's black eye' once. I told her to close her eyes and the staff could immediately see that the 'black eye' was a prominent vein that snaked over the eyelid, which the eyelid emphasised when it was open. No harm done. Calm down and be glad they've noticed.

So much misinformation.
Yes - a bruise in an odd place (in the eye of the beholder) should trigger questions. I work in paediatric and occasionally have to ask parents about bruises. I see tonnes though that don’t worry me too.

I agree - get it out of her - was odd wording.

And yes, even significant injuries can be Ok - professionally I listen to the story especially from verbal children and have a personal example of a situation that looked dodgy but really wasn’t. I gave my friend’s daughter a horrible black eye - she was upset after slipping on the stairs, I was sitting on a dining chair very close to the bottom of the stairs and stuck my arms out for her to come for a cuddle, as I did so she ran towards me and my hand which for some reason I was holding in a fist caught her eye. It all happened really quickly.

She got horrible bruising and quite correctly told everyone “opinionated hit me”. Fortunately several other adults witnessed this and knew it was a little more complex!

Her Mum rang the school anyway as we could both see that the safeguarding team might be Interested!

Oh OP, I've had similar and whilst it feels like it, they aren't accusing you of abuse. If they were worried you were harming your child they wouldn't be asking you to ask her how she hurt herself.

Just before Xmas I got called in to the school because DD (reception) had displayed some possible sexualised behaviour between two Barbie dolls (she had taken their clothes off and had them kissing) and the school said they were concerned as to where she may have gotten that from and asked me to talk to her gently, without leading her and see what she said, as it turned out she took the clothes off because she didn't like the clothes they were in and one was kissing the other goodbye.

It felt like a kick in the teeth and I felt awful like the school thought I was an abuser, or had allowed her to be abused, but they reassured me that if they had concerns they wouldn't be discussing it with me in the first instance and certainly wouldn't be asking me to talk to DD.

I would put it in an email to them that your daughter says she did it at nursery and then try to forget it if I were you. Possibly they realised it should have been logged and were trying to cover themselves?