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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being accused of abuse? Should I take my child out of this nursery? Honest opinions!

138 replies

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 15:45

My daughter is 4 and has been going to this nursery since she was 3. Due to start school in September this year. I picked up my daughter on Friday like usual but was in a rush because I had a cab waiting outside and the clock was running. I went to walk out of the door and ‘kirsty’ a nursery worker asked if I could have a chat. She told me that ‘Katie’ the higher up nursery worker had asked her to question me about the bruise on my daughters nose. I looked down at my daughter and saw no bruise. I said “what bruise? there’s nothing there!”
She pulled her into the light and there was the tiniest little bruise so minute and small that I hadn’t even noticed it. I asked my daughter in front of Kirsty. I said “how did you hurt your nose? ” and she replied “I went down the stairs and into the front room and banged it.” I said “what did you bang it on” and she said “the wall.” I said how that was strange because I’d of known if she had done that and she hasn’t mentioned hurting her nose once to me. Kirsty then said to me “can you try get it out of her over the weekend.” At the time I thought nothing of it but now I realise that’s quite an odd remark to say as if she’s hiding something and not being honest. Anyway on the way home in the cab I asked again and she said the exact same thing about hurting it on the wall. When we got home I had realised we had been to my sisters the day before and she was playing with my niece and nephew so I thought maybe she had done it while playing with them. I then asked her once more what she did to her nose. She said the same thing so I then said “and did this happen at mummies house or aunties house?” And she replied “no silly I did it at nursery”. I rang the nursery straight back and asked for Kirsty and told her what she’d said and Kirsty said someone at them nursery would have known so it definitely wasn’t done at nursery. My first thought was to ring my sister because I was quite angry and without sounding patronising my sister has been working in a nursery for a lot longer than all the girls who work in my nursery put together. She then asked me to send a picture of her nose. The first picture she couldn’t see any bruise so I sent another one really close up. She said “that is hardly noticeable and you really have to look closely to even notice a tiny bruise” and she said they have stepped way over the mark and taken safe guarding way over the topthis time. I feel victimised and quite angry and my only thought is to take her out of the nursery and put her into another for the next 6 months and if I can’t find one then take her to lots of fun places etc. Can I please have honest opinions I’m so upset and don’t feel like this is normal practice. The way she told me to try and get it out of her just makes me feel uncomfortable with the whole situation!

OP posts:
KTCluck · 09/02/2020 17:14

I think you’re over reacting a bit too. I understand it would have been uncomfortable being questioned about a bruise (I recently had to explain to nursery the bump that had just appeared on DD’s head was from where I had just whacked her with the car door, not my finest moment). However pulling her out of the nursery and expressing anger seems OTT. I would far rather nursery were questioning such things than not, potentially leaving a child to be continually abused. Surely safeguarding only works if it applies to everyone, not just the obvious cases?

As for the ‘try and get it out of her’ comment, I can see why that might raise an eyebrow, but surely it’s an appropriate response given that you didn’t believe your daughter’s story? It sounds to me more like the staff member was on your side wanting to help you get to the bottom of what had happened rather than accusing you.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 09/02/2020 17:22

I would take it that they are wondering if another child did it at nursery so are asking you to try and find out what happened!

OrangeLindt · 09/02/2020 17:25

YABU, the nursery have done their job safeguarding your DD. Tough shit if you feel victimised, this is about your DD not your hurt feelings. If you are unable to see the bigger picture then you really do have a lot to learn.

Refreshed · 09/02/2020 17:32

Orange But this is a tiny little bruise you can't even see without squinting at it and looking at it in a certain lighting. The nursery are being over the top. This is a complete one off event and it's never happened before as far as we know

And the OP's child has already explained, more than once, what happened Hmm

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 17:33

Yeah that’s very rude OrangeLindt a woman of pure arrogance I see.

OP posts:
SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 17:33

Thanks Refreshed
The bruise could only been seen under artificial lighting. I mean she had to pull her under the light when I asked where the bruise was!

OP posts:
jessycake · 09/02/2020 17:37

It's quite possible your child can't really remember how, or if it it happened , it may have been while playing . She could be just making up a logical explanation to please everyone .

Refreshed · 09/02/2020 17:37

Honestly OP I wouldn't worry but for your own peace of mind, I'd have it all put in writing if it is brought up by them again. Because something very similar could very easily happen again, of a similar nature. And even though you'd be innocent of all crimes, it's best to have a log

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 09/02/2020 17:42

My old (and trusted) GP once told me that if a child turned up at his surgery and they didn't have the odd bruise here and there then he'd think there was something amiss. Scuffed knees, elbows, scrapes and the like are all things to be expected in children.

I do think that the nursery have overstepped the mark in their approach, but understand that they need to tactfully check things.

Coyoacan · 09/02/2020 17:43

I think the real issue here is that they are not doing safeguarding properly. If you were an abusive parent and they are telling you to get it out of her over the weekend, they would be giving you carte blanche to drum a good story into your child.

OrangeLindt · 09/02/2020 17:43

@Refreshed any one who has done Child Protection and Safeguarding will know when to probe and when not too. It is very difficult but it needs to be done. Bruises on the nose are not very common in small children and the nursery staff were right to ask. That one time they let it go is one time too often and kids die from undisclosed abuse. This is more about OP shitty reaction, that would concern me more about the angry level of over the top protesting.

Dontdisturbmenow · 09/02/2020 17:44

I was brought in the nursery director with another person looking very official once as I went to pick up my DS. It was quite intimidating until they told me they'd notice a huge bruise on his back just under his arm that liked liked he'd been picked up with force causing a bruise and they had to report it SS.

I had to laugh (internally) as this is a birth mark. I didn't get upset as I was glad they would indeed act up on such concern but was puzzled that they hadn't noticed sooner as he'd been with them for almost 2 years by then.

They felt very silly when indeed I showed them pictures of him with it when he was a few months old. No harm done though, they apologised and he stated there happily until moving to reception.

I agree that it will look much more suspicious if you remove her.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 09/02/2020 17:50

Why? Because you are either avoiding their processes, trying to hide something or not engaging with what is in the best interests of your child. Ie swift medical treatment or ss investigation

Do you really think ss would investigate a small bruise on a child’s nose? Get an effing grip! And stop trying to scare the OP.
Yes they overreacted - but you should also not get so worked up. Just leave it now or at most have a chat to the manager about how you felt the situation was (mis)handled.

Rosebel · 09/02/2020 17:50

I'm sorry but an attitude like this is why children end seriously hurt because parents kick off and then staff are too scared to say anything. You are blaming the nursery for making sure your daughter is safe. You need to stop looking for issues where there aren't any. They didn't accuse you of anything just asked you to find out what happened.
If you move her you'll look guilty but I find your reaction strange.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 17:52

@OrangeLindt it’s not just questioning about a bruise though. It’s telling me to get it out of her by questioning and questioning all weekend until she comes out with something different! In my eyes that is wrong.

OP posts:
Spied · 09/02/2020 17:54

Honestly OP be prepared for similar questioning when DD starts school if they notice any knocks or bruises.
While I understand the need to document safeguarding issues etc some schools go on ridiculous about a bumped arm or scratch on the head.
I watch my children like a hawk at the weekend when they are playing with friends or doing their sports clubs in case they sustain an 'injury' I will need to go into school to explain.

gospelsinger · 09/02/2020 17:55

You are right, they have over reacted to this. They should have believed her and not made it into a big deal. However, I don't think you need to go in all guns blazing. I would brush it off.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 09/02/2020 18:02

Honestly OP be prepared for similar questioning when DD starts school if they notice any knocks or bruises

Comments like this really puzzle me - I do wonder where some people on mumsnet reside!? I have 4 dc’s and have never in my life been asked to explain a bruise or minor scrape.

AJPTaylor · 09/02/2020 18:03

Someone's making this a big deal. I suspect it is not the nursery.
If a child has a bruise they need to know where it is from. With dd3 I would let them know in the morning if she had any bumps or bruises. If she got any at nursery, they would tell me. If they spotted something and didn't think it happened at nursery they would ask.
Never once did I think that I was being accused of abuse. I thought they were very good indeed at safeguarding the children in their care.
But crack on. Disrupt your child's life over people just doing their job. If you didn't like the tone, give polite feedback. But treat the staff with professional respect.

RogersVideo · 09/02/2020 18:03

I think it's weird the nursery questioned you about a tiny bruise on her nose at all tbh. And weird to assume the child is lying about what happened.

Nursery questioned me once about a bruise on DS's face, because they were worried it had somehow happened at nursery and they had missed it. It had indeed happened at home and I had not thought to tell them at drop off. All was well.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 18:04

They didn't ask you to "question and question her all weekend". They asked you to talk to her, because as her mother and in the comfort of her own home she might eventually tell you what actually happened.

The nursery staff don't believe that she came down the stairs, walked into the front room and banged her nose off the wall. You don't believe it. So they asked you to talk to her to see if she'd tell you more.

You are being quite over dramatic and using very emotive language. Do you usually find yourself get worked up over things?

LouReidDododo · 09/02/2020 18:05

Silver I can’t go in to details as it’s really outing but my dd3 would have me in jail the shit she says at nursery!

I got pulled in for a welfare check the other day, she said mummy and dad were fighting - he’s never laid a finger on me, we have a really good relationship!

It’s horrible to think that some thinks you are hurting your child but honestly they are just ticking boxes.

drinkygin · 09/02/2020 18:14

id Be annoyed about them suggesting there’s no way it happened in nursery. I’d ask for a meeting with the manager and the key worker to discuss further. Why didn’t they mention it in the morning?

Jux · 09/02/2020 18:21

Try to think of them as being alert and conscientious in looking after your dd. They've not accused you of anything, though I can understand that you feel a bit threatened.

SilverGlitterSparkle · 09/02/2020 18:25

Thanks @LouReidDododo another thing I will point out is on Friday when I dropped her in as I walked away I heard DD say she had been to the beach. The worker was like “wow you’ve been to the beach how fun!.” But I can tell you now we have not been to the beach. I just giggled and walked out the door thinking what an imagination she has. If she can mention going to the beach when we haven’t how the hell am I big long to get to to remember what happened to her nose if she hasn’t come straight out with it! She clearly doesn’t remember and I don’t know how I would be able to ‘get it out of her.’ I will have. A polite chat with nursery when she goes in next and be very calm but mention how I do think it was an over reaction and the comment did raise an eyebrow.

OP posts: