Gender "disappointment"

[minesadecaf]

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

People have much more profound reasons

I don’t see anything “profound” at all- just people saying they want to recreate what they didn’t have or recreate their relationship with their mother.

I don’t think that’s “profound”. Personally I think it’s all a bit narcissistic on both sides- women wanting a mini me and men wanting a mini me. Seems like people want children who are identical copies of themselves, that’s the ultimate in narcissism.

She doesn’t need you to comfort her.

This

How about being a friend and just congratulate her. It is a moment and it will pass but she is entitled to her moment.

I don’t see anything “profound” at all

Well this is mine from upthread.

However I’d like my personal experience to be able to help and guide my child going through the same. I’d like to bond with my child over those shared experiences. I’d like to see what that journey is like from the mother’s point of view.

If you don’t see this as more profound than spa days, hair and nails then fine. You are entitled to your opinion.🤷‍♀️

I don’t see much point in trying to have a mature discussion with you though.

Gender disappointment threads shouldn't be allowed on mumsnet but they are and most times it's about having a boy. How any woman who feels a baby growing inside them, feel their kicks and hiccups and see them on a scan but then feel so disappointed that they have to start a thread about it is beyond me. If they want to be berated don't bloody start a thread about it

Their allowed to feel disapointed, you spend months maybe even years imagining someone, id be disapointed too if i didnt get the baby i imagined, no bodys putting their baby up for adoption because its not their preferred gender are they?

They come online to speak about it, thats it. Its not a big deal, yet woman on mumsnet love to berate them for it, its horrible.

Its a shock and people want to talk about it and instead of being supported and being gently told their being silly they get ridiculed. Its horrible

People love to take the high and mighty road about it and for what? To make themselves feel superior because it serves no purpose to the mother who is disapointed

Ill say it again, none of these mothers say they dont love their baby or their giving it up for adoption etc, their just speaking about feeling disapointed, its not the crime mumsnet paint it out to be 🤦‍♀️

I think most of us with good relationships with our parents and happy childhoods want to recreate at least some of that for our own children. I'm not sure that's narcissistic! Just real life.

But there's a difference between having an image of yourself having one sex and having a fleeting sense of disappointment, which I think does happen to a lot of people, whether they want to admit or not, and enduring disappointment that leads someone to treat their children differently for their entire lives. The latter is unhealthy; the former is normal.

Certainly most of my friends who are good enough friends to be candid have admitted to a preference while pregnant, but it hasn't coloured their parenting or love their child after their arrival.

Yes a public forum but those who feel sorry for this poor woman with the healthy boy baby need to reply. How dare anyone who think gender disappointment is ridiculous comment on these threads.

However I’d like my personal experience to be able to help and guide my child going through the same. I’d like to bond with my child over those shared experiences. I’d like to see what that journey is like from the mother’s point of view

You can still bond with a son over life experiences and support and guide them so no, I dont see this as extremely “deep” or profound 🤷‍♀️

If it was a man whose partner had a girl and he was so disappointed, would be be ok with him posting about it. It's not high and mighty, it's a bit of cop on.

After reading threads like this, I always privately wonder about 3-child families where the sexes are BBG or GGB. And I feel sorry for the second child who was probably the "wrong" sex

What a ridiculous thing to think. We planned on 3 dc, had 3 dc. And actually the only one I had a preference over was dc2 who I really wanted to be a girl (but thought she was a boy). So I had GGB.
If you have 3 dc there's a 25% chance of it being first two the same and one different.

People are disappointed in all sorts of things. Some we'd all agree, others we'd think they were being silly. Some you continue being disappointed, and others you find are just different.
When dh said to me he'd got a job offer here, I hadn't even heard of it. It was further south than I wanted to go, and I'd really set my heart on small village life in the countryside.
We visited. It's grotty between the rail station and his work. My heart sank. It felt back end of nowhere, I really did not want to move here long term.
You know, within around a month, I liked it. Now I really wouldn't want to move away. But I was really disappointed that first day.

Gender disappointment can be like that. It's normal to be disappointed if it isn't what you were hoping for. But you realise actually you love them.
The time it's a problem is if they're still feeing disappointed some time later. And I think by refusing to acknowledge someone can be disappointed, that means people hide it away and it doesn't help. They feel guilty about feeling disappointed, unable to talk about it, and that is when it causes a problem.

I know people who were really disappointed either at scan or at birth, both girl and boy. Every one of them adores their child and wouldn't change them for anything.

I see this as extremely “deep” or profound

But do you see it as deeper than spa days and nails is the question? Because that’s what my comment referenced.

And no, a boy’s experience of growing up is not the same as a girl’s. There are fundamental differences due to sex/gender and how that manifests itself.

If it was a man whose partner had a girl and he was so disappointed, would be be ok with him posting about it. It's not high and mighty, it's a bit of cop on

No it would t be ok and the people saying g yes are deluded. He’d be attacked if he posted that on here and people know damn well he would

If it was a man whose partner had a girl and he was so disappointed, would be be ok with him posting about it.

This has been covered. Yes.

He’d be attacked if he posted that on here and people know damn well he would

I’d personally be fine with it. So long as he got over himself quickly.

I’d personally be fine with it. So long as he got over himself quickly

You might be but you know full well that’s not what the majority opinion would be.

You might be but you know full well that’s not what the majority opinion would be.

I can only speak for myself. I’m not a hive mind.

Ah Laurie you're deluded, he would be lambasted on here. Definitely double standards, if women want to post about their disappointment on a public forum then posters have the right to comment about how they feel about it.

minesadecaf, Best thing you could do for your friend is to stay away from her. She's going through some seriously upsetting thought processes, wanting a friend to lean on. She has you instead.

I don't understand how any woman - any decent person in fact - would start a thread like this, about a friend, and put up with absolute twats of posters saying they would like to drop-kick people like this. Thick-witted doesn't come close. Absolutely vile.

This is a site where women come for support and end up with disgusting misandristic posters whom you are fully encouraging. Shame on you.

Ah Laurie you're deluded, he would be lambasted on here

Perhaps he would. I don’t think that would be fair though.

Bezaelelle and JanuaryJones, your posters are absolutely disgraceful.

Personally I think berating people for not being 100% happy because other people have fertility problems is just as pointless as blaming people for ever feeling down when other people are homeless/have no food etc. In every other scenario we have accepted that that's not how feelings work and is stupid whataboutery. As long as they don't go on to make their disappointment known to the child I don't see why people feel the need to judge others for feeling this way.

Your friend will be OK. Lots of people have two or more children of the same sex and it works well. Who would be without the children they have? Most of us wouldn't swap them for anything.

It's nice that the new baby is so amazing :-). You sound like a lovely friend - with two children of same sex.

Those of us who are mothers are extremely fortunate to have a child when you consider the heartbreak some go through with infertility. It doesn't hurt to remind ourselves of that sometimes - all they want is a child, they don't care about the sex. I've had friends who were infertile despite trying everything, one couple adopted (their children are now adult, must be mid thirties or so), also two relatives, one of whom did eventually have a child at 40, a lovely little miracle, the other one adopted after eighteen years, in her case a difficult relationship.

I can understand how she feels. I have 1 DS and another on the way. While I can’t wait to have 2 boys who I’m (hoping) will grow up close and a support for each other, I am still slightly sad that I probably won’t have a daughter

It’s not that I don’t love my son or want him (I desperately do) but in reality it’s unlikely we would have a 3rd child so it might be she just needs to get her head around not having a daughter

Additionally, I think there’s a fear that with daughters (generally speaking) your closer to your own parents so when you have children you naturally lean towards them. So for me, I’ve got this irrational fear that when my sons have children etc then I might not have the grandparent relationships I’d like with them

You can send her a congratulations card and let her get over it in her own time.
It's perfectly fine to be a bit sad about it but the love will grow and she will be fine.
Your not being a good or nice friend by bitching about her behind her back.

@stepawayfrom google I think it is the preserve of the super lucky and super fertile to not realise how blessed they are.

It's not I'm afraid.

I needed fertility treatment to get pregnant with both my children and I had 2 miscarriages. I still experienced gender disappointment.

I 'knew' I was blessed but I still 'felt' gender disappointment.

You cannot help how you feel.

I had severe GD with DD. I have a terribly toxic relationship with my Mother, who was adopted at birth and totally regretted by her BM. She then in turn then had an awful relationship with her adoptive Mother who she felt loved her own biological children more than her (there is actually some truth in this).

I just didn't want the cycle to continue. I didn't know how to deal with a girl as I'd never had an example to learn from. A boy seemed like a clean slate.