Gender "disappointment"

[minesadecaf]

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

I’m just getting my head around this baby. So glad I found out at 20weeks otherwise I’d have felt like your friend and that would have been an awful way to bring baby into the world.
There’s very often very valid reasons for feeling this way, it’s not generally a whim or because you fancy one over the other.
Also @JanuaryJones20 utterly ridiculous comment. After seven years of infertility and two IVF babies I still felt like this...it’s completely unrelated.

FFS. If we all went around thinking about those less fortunate, we'd never be able to complain or express our emotions about anything! Yes yes let's just bottle everything up. 😡🙄

It's fine to be disappointed, she'll get over it and love her baby anyway. I did.

I do understand people can't help how they feel, but I don't like "gender disappointment" either. It places so many assumptions on what kind of person the child will be, and what kind of relationship you'll have with them purely because of their sex. I don't think that's profound or deep, I think it's sexist.

I think you're being harsh OP
I would try and be supportive if one of my friends confided in me that that's how they are feeling, regardless of how I felt.
I definitely know how hormonal, emotional and over tired you can feel after giving birth, give your friend a break.

Blue Harry exactly.

i think it's sexist.

You think it’s sexist to say that a girls experience of growing up is different to a boys due to reasons to do with their sex?

Just because other people struggle with infertility/loss, that doesn’t mean she can’t feel disappointment that she didn’t have a girl. She’s allowed to have her own feelings and she can’t exactly help it. Just say congratulations, buy a card and let that be that

I have four dc's
Always wanted four
The first three are of one sex and the last the other
I am constantly told I kept going till I got the sex I wanted
Hand on heart I didn't and the reactions I got when dc3 was born from a few people were nothing short of disgraceful
"Oh dear another x never mind ay"
But
The human mind is a strange thing and our experiences and the baggage we all bring to parenthood is hugely important and different for all of us
Kindness costs nothing

You think it’s sexist to say that a girls experience of growing up is different to a boys due to reasons to do with their sex?

Nope. I think it's sexist to assume your child will have a certain personality and relationship with you because of their sex.

It places so many assumptions on what kind of person the child will be, and what kind of relationship you'll have with them purely because of their sex

This is exactly my issue with it but you phrased it better! Look, being a bit disappointed about not getting the gender you want?- fine, we are all human, no big deal.

Being “devastated” and “never getting over it” - not fine. If your feelings are really that strong then your child WILL pick up on it- intense feelings have a way of seeping out and it’s absolutely not fair on the child who might grow up with poor self esteem as a result. Small comments over the years can affect kids- they aren’t stupid and they will pick up on it and it will damage them. I think if your feelings are really that intense then you owe it to yourself and your child to talk to a therapist about it because there’s clearly something behind it to feel that strongly and have it affect you so deeply.

Oh and the whole gender behaviour thing
My four are all very different and conform/don't conform to many gender stereotypes
I am non contact with my mother
Relationships don't always work according to gender stereotypes

One of my Mother’s friends kept having babies (and c-sections each time against medical advice) until she had a boy. She had four girls before she finally had a boy then was sterilised. Literally risked her life having so many C-sections because she wanted to give her husband a boy . So this can truly work both ways, some people are still stuck in the Tudor era.

Coming to terms with never having a daughter isn’t the same as coming to terms with never having children. I agree that this deserves zero sympathy or support. Your friend needs to just love her child and enjoy having two children. If one of my friends behaved this way I would question if I wanted them in my life at all.
And yes, I’ve experienced the heartache of infertility .

i think it's sexist to assume your child will have a certain personality ... because of their sex.

I don’t think anyone is assuming that.

Relationship though is different.

I do have different relationships with women than men. I have specific shared experiences with them based on biology and how women are treated in the world. This would be the same with a daughter.

It’s got nothing to do with spa days or being close when older before we get into that crap again.

She needs to spend one moment in the life of someone who has like me battled and fought with their fertility now thankfully I have a beautiful son through adoption and wouldn't change it for the worlds. She needs to get a grip.

Wanna I had similar reasons to you. My boys felt like a clean slate and I was actually scared to have a girl in case I somehow continued the cycle.

I'm so glad I was wrong, my girl is only 12 weeks old but without me even knowing it she has healed a part of my heart that was broken.

Sometimes it's good not to get what you want.

There we are, OP, you have nearly a full complement of vile, twattish posts from women (sadly) who will always fall over themselves to judge and denigrate a woman they know nothing of.

I really hate this site sometimes. It's a real melting pot of nasty pieces of work. I'd shudder to meet women like this in real life; thankfully I don't.

@Stinkycatbreath - your experience, while difficult, is completely irrelevant to the op's friend's experience.

I have three daughters. If I had had any boys then that would have been fine. However, I couldn't give a shiny shite about them all being the same sex and wasn't about to keep going and going to try and have a boy.

When I was pregnant with DD3 I found out it would be another girl at my 20 week scan. A week or so later I certainly gave very short shrift to a woman at mother and toddler group who said out loud that I must be so disappointed that I would be having another girl.

I asked her directly why on earth she thought I must be disappointed. She went bright red, stuttered and could give me no answers. I never had cause to speak to her again after that and it was no sad loss.

Zero empathy for gender disappointment from me.

How dare anyone who think gender disappointment is ridiculous comment on these threads

Isn’t that fortunate that’s not what I said. Why is comprehension so out of favour?!

I agree that this deserves zero sympathy or support

Whereas I work on the basis that my experiences have no bearing on what others might need sympathy and support for. That’s what being a friend IS.

200+ comments and for a lot of them, I have no words. How can people be so cruel?

Nope. I think it's sexist to assume your child will have a certain personality and relationship with you because of their sex

Girls and women are oppressed because of their sex. It's natural that they would share certain experiences as a result of this oppression and that this might result in a sense of camaraderie.

If they are surrounded by males who don't experience similar oppression, it's natural that a woman would long for someone who deeply understands their experiences. The only person who would truly understand is another woman.

I've been in lots of male dominated environments and if I see another woman, I'll often gravitate towards her and share experiences - I don't think that's sexist, it's because we've both likely experienced sexism and are likely to have shared experience.

Like some posters we had three of one sex (girls) then a boy. Oh the comments we have had, are you going to keep going until you have a boy? I remember holding gorgeous newborn DD3 and bring told “oh that’s a shame” “your poor husband”

Even my brother (who has one of each) comments in the perfect gentleman’s family.

I am also NC with my mother for such reasons as she said you are not a real woman until you have a boy, all men want a boy, DH could leave you if you don’t have a boy. She bothered with DD1 as she was the first grandchild, DD2 couldn’t be bothered with her, DD3 hardly acknowledged her birth. They didn’t need that in their lives, she’s never met DS.

I know at least two Mums of 2 boys who have openly stated they would live a third but only if it was a girl. I find it so sad for their DSs.

200+ comments and for a lot of them, I have no words. How can people be so cruel?