Gender "disappointment"

[minesadecaf]

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

@LaurieMarlow Well I just keep seeing this deep disappointment expressed at having a boy. What do people expect from their daughters? A closer relationship? My brothers are just as close to my parents as me. In fact they see my parents much more frequently than I do. I don't get it.

What do people expect from their daughters? A closer relationship?

Read the thread. I’ve explained my position clearly as have others.

What does it matter whether people “get it” or not?

You don’t feel that way? Cracking.

Other people do.

That’s literally all there is to “get”.

My dad only wanted boys as they perpetuated the family name. When my eldest brother had the first 2 sons, he went to the hospital. The 3rd was a girl and he didn't bother to turn up. As times went by, he mellowed. Gender disappointment is very real!

Mothers of only daughters seem more chilled out

Wahahaha. Clearly never met my mum

Tbh I wouldn't have much patience with this.
We've been ttc our second child for 14 long months now and I'd be delighted with a second son.

Gender disappointment is very real!

It definitely is- I am a bit baffled by the double standard here though. When a woman wants a girl its all "its understandable! she wants to have a mother- daughter relationship, stop policing her thoughts"

If a poster said her DH was deeply disappointed he had a girl, everyone would be saying he's a sexist arse.

If a poster said her DH was deeply disappointed he had a girl, everyone would be saying he's a sexist arse.

I don’t agree with this.

I know my DH wanted a boy. For similar reasons to me wanting a girl. I totally understand and sympathise with that. Like me, he would have gotten over himself very quickly if we’d had girls.

Honestly, get over yourselves. The lady has just given birth and is disappointed that she does t have a little girl. No one has said she wants to return the boy and have another go. I'm pregnant. I already have 4 children and already have both genders. I have just found out what this baby is as I was hoping for a girl (I am allowed to have such thoughts) and didn't want to be disappointed when it arrived. I'm having another boy. I'm a bit sad about it as I wanted to name the baby after my mum who died late last year. And now I cant. But it doesn't mean I'm not excited to be having another little baby - I'm lucky.

As it was so important to her your friend would have been better off now had she found out in advance. But it doesn't mean she won't love and bond with her baby.

Not everything needs to be compared to other people's struggles in life. I'm sure your friend is very grateful that her baby has arrived healthy and safely. Just buy whatever you would have bought (I personally wouldn't have gone for gender neutral but I'm sure whatever you have chosen is very cute) and buy the card you like. Don't overthink it. Her disappointment will pass. You sound like a lovely friend by the way to be worried for her.

Ps my sonography told me she once had a husband storm out of the scan when she revealed the gender. I thought that was pretty horrific.

Poor lady. She's just had a baby, is full of hormones and spoke to someone she thought she could trust, who then decided to bitch about it on the Internet!

@Limer Please remember that not everyone is the same though. We have 2 boys and at some point would like another child. I’d hate to think someone would look at DS2 and think he was a disappointment or the wrong gender in our eyes as he is the most wonderful, chilled out, loving little man in the whole world and I wouldn’t love him any more if he didn’t have a winky. Third time round, a girl would be nice for me but I know my boys would prefer a brother (because that’s all they know) but we would be happy and blessed with whatever we had. IMO, it’s all in Gods plan and if I’m meant to have 3 boys then that is what I will gratefully have.

I know several middle-aged transwomen who have always been convinced that their mothers wanted them to be a girl. Nikkitutorials, when revealing that she was actually born male, recently alluded to a similar experience of her own mother telling her she 'knew' she was having a girl.

When I see these threads, it reminds me of those transwomen who've grown up always having had this innate sense that they were born in the wrong body and that there is something wrong with them.

I don't think it's fair to blame individual mothers for experiencing gender disappointment - the patriarchy is the problem.

I can absolutely understand why a woman, especially in a family of males, feels the desire/need to form a close bond with someone who shares their experience of the world - not because of sex differences but because gender oppression is such a significant part of a woman's life, whether they realise it or not.

I was just over the moon when I found out I was pregnant with my first. Just so happy to have a baby. I didn’t mind whether they were a boy or a girl as long as our baby was healthy. During my pregnancy though I felt the baby was a girl and I was looking at girls stuff and I did have a little girl and she is everything to us.
Now pregnant with our second and I do feel I would prefer a boy because I already have my little girl and she’s amazing. But saying that I’m not going to be depressed if we have another girl. We are extremely lucky to have our daughter and even more so to be expecting another little one. Whoever they turn out to be we will love them and I wouldn’t be trying again for a boy if we have two little girls. Anyway we have a gorgeous girls name picked out and I already have loads of clothes!

*I do not understand why people are being so harsh and saying she had no right to be secretly disappointed.

Its like saying to someone with anxiety that there are people living in wartorn countries, people who are starving, homeless - consider yourself lucky and get over it. There is always somebody in a worse situation, that doesn't mean you can't feel a certain way about your own life. As long as she isn't openly lamenting the sex of dc2 to someone who has struggled with infertility, people should back off and allow her to feel the way she feels. I'm sure she isn't exactly enjoying it herself.*

This! I get sick of people always using be grateful because they or someone they know or strangers are worse off. People are allowed to feel how they feel. Someone somewhere else being able to have a baby while someone who can’t are absolutely irrelevant to each other. Neither’s feelings should be diminished.

Some act like this is a whole new thing. It has been a thing for centuries. Many cultures (even now) have a preferred gender.

I remember being pregnant with my first and us saying it’s a boy and many mums with boys were trying to tell me how great it was having a son or just boys. It was like they were trying to sell it even though I was happy about it nor stated a preference. My own fil saw he himself wanted three sons (he has two sons and a daughter). Tbh, it actually brought up some bad memories due to knowing my own father wanting a son and only having daughters. I had an ok upbringing but knowing that hung over my head as well as knowing if I were a boy I would have had less hurdles and fights about my future with him. The ridiculous amount of congrats he received after I had my son about him finally getting his boy stung. I’m pretty sure no one chastised him nor said anything diminishing his feelings about not getting the son he wanted. In my experience, men seem to get way more sympathy about not getting the son they wanted compared to women not getting the daughter they wanted and some acting like it is worse for a man never to have a son than it is for a woman to never have a daughter.

OP, just say congrats and leave it at that. No need to say anything more. It is also not for you to understand. At the most just be there for her if she needs you. Besides, it is still the early days and hormones among other things haven’t settled. Give her time. Saying that if after a few months she still seems sad, keep an eye on her if you can.

there was a post way upthread about disappointment at a boy because 'never going to be able to do makeup, spas, wedding dress shopping etc'

I must be a really crap female then because I've never done any of those.

disappointment implies horrible stereotyping, something we really need to get rid of.

I'm seriously getting sick of all these gender disappointment threads on mumsnet. It always seems to be because the woman had a boy.Could you imagine if it was the reverse and they were upset they had a girl or their partner was upset they didn't get his long for boy, there would be uproar

There isnt an uproar though is there, in real life a lot of different cultures wanting a boy is the preferance, on mumsnet it seems the preferance is a girl but looking at history its always been boys who have been sought after, not girls

Wasnt one country known for leaving baby girls on the street because they wernt boys?

Pepple jump on threads like these and throw infertiltiy, baby loss at the woman whose feeling a certain way, no one actually gives a shit about the baby blah blah its just an excuse to give a woman a load of grief!

Im honestly sick of woman berating mothers for feeling a certain way, none of these mothers say they dont love the baby or dont want it, they just express their a bit disapointed and the abuse they get for it is unreal

Looking at history its been a common occurance all over the world that people have preffered a certain gender,

disappointment implies horrible stereotyping, something we really need to get rid of.

It doesn’t actually.

People have much more profound reasons for wanting a particular sex than the one you’ve quoted. Read the thread you’ll see what they are.

'After reading threads like this, I always privately wonder about 3-child families where the sexes are BBG or GGB. And I feel sorry for the second child who was probably the "wrong" sex.'

And I would be utterly appalled if I knew you were thinking such a thing about my (boy, boy, girl - see upthread) family, tbh.

Wasnt one country known for leaving baby girls on the street because they wernt boys?

China and its one child policy.

Namechange I was speaking specifically about Mumsnet not the world in general. Gender disappointment threads shouldn't be allowed on mumsnet but they are and most times it's about having a boy. How any woman who feels a baby growing inside them, feel their kicks and hiccups and see them on a scan but then feel so disappointed that they have to start a thread about it is beyond me. If they want to be berated don't bloody start a thread about it, neither though should the Op posted about her friend, that's not fair.

Don't want to be berated

Gender disappointment threads shouldn't be allowed on mumsnet

Why on Earth not? It’s an Internet forum for people to discuss what’s worrying them. Rather than policing what people post, it makes more sense to scroll past what doesn’t interest you.

Gender disappointment threads shouldn't be allowed on mumsnet but they are

And why would we be curtailing free speech?

When I got pregnant with DC2, there was definitely a bit of me that hoped for a girl. Not because I "didn't want" another boy, I can't really explain it precisely... I suppose I wanted to share some of those common experiences with a child. I'm close to my mum and dad, but in different ways IYSWIM? Anyway, I gave myself a talking to and moved on from those feelings, as logically I knew I couldn't control the outcome and ultimately I got pregnant because I wanted another child not a child of a particular sex.

You get what you get at the end of the day. And while I can relate to the feeling of having a preference, I can't really relate to letting it become the be-all-and-end-all. I think if you feel that strongly about it, then it's probably better not to get pregnant until you have accepted that you may not end up with your preference! Reducing a baby, with all the potential they represent, purely to a gender stereotype seems a bit sad to me.