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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIMB to this houseguests should bring a gift?

180 replies

Blackberrybunnet · 08/02/2020 21:35

I will try to be concise. Recently met up with old friends who live in another city. We were once very close but time and distance came between us. So, maybe 20 years down the road, we met up again and I invited them to visit for the weekend. They did, but brought nothing at all in the way of a thankyou gift- no wine, no flowers - nada! At the time I thought, oh well,they will send a thank you card or some flowers later. Nope. Nothing. Neither did they invite us to theirs in return- although she has since said on FB "we must get together again". AIBU to feel miffed? They didn't need to come at all if they didn't want to! I understand that they might not feel like resuming the relationship, but why not even a thanks for the visit? Or a bunch of flowers at the time? We aren't a hotel!!! I Almost felt like billing them afterwards(I didn't, btw!). When I commented on this to another friend, she said , disparagingly, " you're cross because they didnt bring you a present?" This made me wonder if IABU? Any comments?

OP posts:

JemSynergy · 09/02/2020 10:24

I wouldn't expect gifts. I invite people because I want to and demand nothing back in return.

BahMooQuack · 09/02/2020 10:26

MrsStrickland my sister always turns up empty handed as well- but she lives in New Zealand and it is because she wants to reduce packaging!

But she and BIL always get wine, buy us a dinner out, contribute to groceries etc.

furrytoebean · 09/02/2020 10:30

I think gifts like this are silly, you just end up passing round the same bottle of Prosecco until the end of time.

I love having guests, and I love visiting people's houses. I don't expect or take a gift. (Though I would always take booze or contribute to dinner)

I was brought up very very poor though and the '£2 daffs' are just not something I could afford, and now that I can I just see it as such a massive waste of money.
I send my friends flowers for special occasions and I send letters but I would much rather have the company than the gift.

EntropyRising · 09/02/2020 13:17

Everything seems to be about gifts and spending money these days. We always have to be buying. Can't people just enjoy one anothers company and a verbal thank you suffice?

This is not a new invention that fuels rampant consumerism e.g. baby showers/kids' party favours etc. It is a custom as old as the hills and for this reason, it would be hard to not to take note if you were to have a houseguest turn up empty-handed.

I have two houseguests turn up without a gift, on both occasions my husband's man-child friends from school - both slobs and drunks and single.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2020 13:20

I wouldn't expect gifts

Does the flip side of this mean uou don't give little than uou gifts either?

Limensoda · 09/02/2020 14:59

So yes I would think it rude if someone came for the weekend, ate all your food and didn’t buy a little something in appreciation. It’s basic manners

I presume they come because you invite them? Just turning up with a suitcase with no invite would be rude.
As for 'eating all your food'....really?, do they actually do that?....scoff the entire food supply in the house? I presume they eat what you give them. Surely, you wouldn't sit down to meals and tell them they should have brought their own?
It seems that many people don't actually invite others from a genuine desire to see, spend time and enjoy their friends company....It's more a formal occasion where there are expected standards that must be adhered to.
I don't think I've ever even thought about someone not bringing a gift.

Ihavenoidewhatsgoingon · 09/02/2020 16:08

It’s more you notice the people who don’t bring anything

We live abroad so have lots of people who ask if they can come visit - we always do like having them but some people take the piss... I had one family of 4 come for a week and eat 3 meals a day (even when we went out for lunch their credit card didn’t work...). They used up all their toiletries- I sent them to the cheap shop to buy some more but they decided it was too expensive and would just use ours. They didn’t even buy my DH a beer when they went out together - just bought their own. They didn’t give us anything to say thank you - not even bringing some small things from the UK that are hard to find here but cheap there. Things like that do make you feel like the OP is feeling now.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 09/02/2020 17:14

Are people drawing a distinction between 'gifts' and bringing a bottle or two, or paying for a dinner?

I mean if you say you don't bring a gift, but buy a meal or bring some wine, then that is what the OP is alluding to....a contribution of some sort. It doesn't have to be a gift as in a present. But something. Especially if you are staying for the weekend as a guest.

As for expecting a gift...well, I don't stand at the front door with my hand out. But I've never, ever had guests stay who don't bring some wine, or pay for at least one meal. And I've never been a guest and not done something similar.

Flamingnora123 · 09/02/2020 17:47

You sound awful. I would always take a bottle of wine or offer to pay if we went out for lunch but to get all mardy about not being given a gift by friends makes me think that it wouldn't be much fun being your friend. I wouldn't even notice if someone didn't bring a gift, but then if I invite people to stay it's generally because I like their company and want to give THEM wine/food/treats. Maybe your attitude is why they stopped being friends with you, not time and distance.

restawhile77 · 09/02/2020 17:57

I don't think I've ever even thought about someone not bringing a gift.

You must have a lot of rude guests then.

But perhaps it’s because it’s something you don’t do? I think if you’re the sort of person who always brings something (because you’ve got good manners) then it would stand out as a little rude.

honeyloops · 09/02/2020 18:12

Is this maybe a class or generational thing? I (and my friends) have never done this as standard - we're 29-35 ish, mostly working class, and if we were all having tea together we might ask the host if there's anything needed beforehand and bring dessert etc, but it wouldn't be expected to bring something just because. And as for staying - I've had a friend move in for a month because he had a freelance contract nearby and it didn't even cross my mind that it was rude he didn't give us a gift? He did make tea some nights for us, bought snacks home etc, but he was effectively sharing our groceries so a net 'loss' for us, and we didn't care because he's our friend? Similarly, we have friends who live on the other side of the country so when we see each other every 6 weeks or so we alternate staying over at each house and none of us would ever bring a gift?

zasknbg · 09/02/2020 18:22

If I'd come to stay with you for the weekend, I'd have paid for a dinner out rather than bringing a gift.
There is far too much gift giving these days. When I was a child, a gift was a treat and not an everyday thing. These days, everything needs a sodding gift.

Remember when a lovely dinner gift was a packet of after eights? In those days, they were a major treat and there'd be no other chocolate in the house. These days, people have much more and so a packet of after eights would be surplus to requirements and also look a bit stingy.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/02/2020 18:29

Yanbu
I never turn up
Empty handed
It’s plain courtesy , globally

We once had someone who did this and I was really annoyed too

Drag0nflye · 09/02/2020 18:57

I would never dream of turning up to someone’s house for dinner or a weekend empty handed. I would always bring a small token gift of appreciation for the host. Doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant! Could be a small bunch of flowers, bottle of wine, candle, nice bottle of olive oil, small box of macarons or chocolate for example or something small for their children. Most often than not, the wine or chocolates would get opened so everyone can enjoy!

I don’t think it’s a generational or class thing. I’m young and working class (as are most of my friends) and everyone I know would bring at least a bottle of wine if being invited over for dinner.

I think a text saying thank you for a lovely weekend/evening is sufficient though. I wouldn’t expect a handwritten note or anything!

LucyFox · 09/02/2020 19:25

I don’t know that I agree that guests should bring gifts ... I have had a friend staying all weekend. She spent quite a lot on the train fare to get here & I enjoyed having her so I definitely didn’t expect a gift. I suppose it depends if you’ve invited them because you want them to stay or if you feel obliged

LucyFox · 09/02/2020 19:29

Not only did I not expect my friend to bring a gift, I went out & bought her drink of choice & snacks I knew she’d like even though I wouldn’t usually have them in the house.

Delatron · 09/02/2020 19:33

I’d never turn up to someone’s house empty handed. It’s plain manners. So dinner would be wine and chocolates (I know in some circles you’re not supposed to take wine but in my circles fine!)

For an overnight stay I’d take more wine so at least two bottles and some nice flowers or a plant.

Most friends do the same. I did notice when DH’s friends turned up to stay empty handed once.

midwestfornow · 09/02/2020 20:14

I'm in my 40's and have always brought a small gift and everyone who stays with me does the same.
I would definitely think guests were CF if they took my hospitality for a weekend and didn't even gift a bottle of wine.
I wouldn't be inviting them again.

midwestfornow · 09/02/2020 20:25

I went out & bought her drink of choice & snacks I knew she’d like even though I wouldn’t usually have them in the house.

I would always do this as part of my hosting.
It doesn't mean I wouldn't expect a token thank you gift.

restawhile77 · 09/02/2020 21:49

I went out & bought her drink of choice & snacks I knew she’d like even though I wouldn’t usually have them in the house

Sounds like you’re a lovely host. If your guest didn’t show appreciation then by treating you to a meal out, or a bottle of wine, or chocolates.....in fact anything, I’d say she was pretty rude. I think it would be awful manners not to. It really doesn’t matter if it’s not something you’d expect, it doesn’t make it less rude.

Snowpatrolling · 09/02/2020 21:58

Me and my friend live an hour and a half from each other, often do weekends at each others and never take a gift! I wouldn’t expect one either! I’d rather have her company than a gift.

2020vision10 · 09/02/2020 22:12

I don't expect gifts when people visit me... If someone brings something that's great but I wouldn't expect it. YABU

Nacreous · 09/02/2020 22:14

It's interesting, I would generally try to take a gift over but I wouldn't worry too much if I hadn't had time to get something.

Similarly I never expect people to bring a gift but they often do and sometimes don't. I couldn't tell you who does and doesn't but I do have a few friends who go OTT and it makes me uncomfortable.

I enjoy hosting, and cooking and getting the house ready. I much prefer it to traveling, sleeping in a bed that's not mine etc. So it wouldn't occur to me to think of housing as a burden to be suffered and therefore expect a gift.

Delatron · 09/02/2020 22:19

I think for me, it’s more about not turning up at someone’s house empty handed. Even if I’m just going round for a kids tea type play date I’d take a pudding or chocolates to contribute.

aroundtheblock · 29/08/2022 16:11

you opened your home to friends, you cleaned up, made the beds, washed towels and sheets and bought food and snacks for them.
The very least you should expect is decent wine/booze and something thoughtful like a candle/flowers/book for you and the offer to cook or take you out for a meal. That is how I was raised, that is how my close friends behave.

However recently i had two sets of guests up from London to stay with me during the Edinburgh fringe (easily saved them £500 in accommodation) No gifts, no offer to take me out for a meal or pay for a show, no replenishing of food eaten or goodies left in the fridge. No offer to strip the beds or where do I put the wet towels? And one of them broke something irreplaceable, they offered to pay for it but no follow through. I am disgusted.
I have a friend visiting next week, I told them that I have just had some very ungrateful guests and that they did not bring a gift, or offer to take me out or cook and she agrees that is outrageous and said let me book a table, where do you want to go and what do you prefer these days gin/whiskey?

I'm glad we had this conversation in advance.

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