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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIMB to this houseguests should bring a gift?

180 replies

Blackberrybunnet · 08/02/2020 21:35

I will try to be concise. Recently met up with old friends who live in another city. We were once very close but time and distance came between us. So, maybe 20 years down the road, we met up again and I invited them to visit for the weekend. They did, but brought nothing at all in the way of a thankyou gift- no wine, no flowers - nada! At the time I thought, oh well,they will send a thank you card or some flowers later. Nope. Nothing. Neither did they invite us to theirs in return- although she has since said on FB "we must get together again". AIBU to feel miffed? They didn't need to come at all if they didn't want to! I understand that they might not feel like resuming the relationship, but why not even a thanks for the visit? Or a bunch of flowers at the time? We aren't a hotel!!! I Almost felt like billing them afterwards(I didn't, btw!). When I commented on this to another friend, she said , disparagingly, " you're cross because they didnt bring you a present?" This made me wonder if IABU? Any comments?

OP posts:
Dividingthementalload · 09/02/2020 09:04

You are so not being unreasonable. When we go to my sisters which is a flight away I send wine/bubbles/snack food ahead by internet so we contribute. Not a gift, stuff to share. I don’t know anyone who has ever arrived empty handed and we have loads of people over and to stay. It would be really odd.

BahMooQuack · 09/02/2020 09:05

exactly Standrewsschool. It takes alot of effort to host. Sorting out rooms, towels, having food in and planning. It can be quite tiring (for me anyway as I am quite antisocial).

A small offering is a gesture of appreciation.

EntropyRising · 09/02/2020 09:11

I'm astounded that people who think it's fine to stay at someone's house and not bring a gift for the hosts.

As a hostess, I wouldn't care, but I'd sooner not go than not take a gift as a guest.

Chloemol · 09/02/2020 09:13

I always take something, always. They are kind enough to invite me, pay for extra food etc. All my family and friends also do this.

It’s called good manners, interesting to see how many people on MN don’t appear to have them

EntropyRising · 09/02/2020 09:13

I would normally bring a nice bottle of wine + candle, plus a little something for any small children like a colouring book/markers or similar.

EntropyRising · 09/02/2020 09:15

Yes, it is a huge amount of effort to host and frankly a pretty major imposition on the normal rhythm of family life, I generally hate both hosting and being a guest, I would so much rather stay at a hotel.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2020 09:17

I also think it's very rude to go to someone's home, enjoy their hospitality, eat their food, drink their booze and not bring a little thank you or contribution.

But there are people who will do it. Their view is if they were invited then they should go fill their boots and give nothing in return. The justification is they expect nothing in return, but usually these people do little inviting back or providing hospitality.

Personally I'm always grateful if someone invites me, and I always bring something, booze, chocolates, flowers, whatever, I'd never go, fill my boots and walk out, it's the very definition of grabby.

Ragwort · 09/02/2020 09:17

YANBU ... of course it shouldn't be 'expected' that you take a gift but to me it is just 'good manners', I stay with my best friend from school at least three times a year, she rarely stays with me as where she lives is a much more interesting place so I prefer to go there. So I am not 'reciprocating' the hospitality. I would always take a bottle of wine, flowers/chocolate as a minimum and offer to pay for a meal (lunch if we go out) or a takeaway.

puds11 · 09/02/2020 09:20

Ewww people expect gifts? That’s crass.

I would take a gift, because I personally like to, but I would never expect one from a guest. I am hosting, therefore I provide for them.

RedWine123 · 09/02/2020 09:23

YABU. I wouldn’t expect a friend to bring anything to my house. Just good company.

redcarbluecar · 09/02/2020 09:29

I wouldn't expect to be lavished with gifts, but would be surprised if no wine was bought and / or if there was no 'thank you' at the end of the visit. However, if we'd had a good weekend and enjoyed our time together these would be passing observations rather than significant issues for me.

Limensoda · 09/02/2020 09:29

You say 'its not a hotel' but you expect something for letting them stay?
You invited them.
You either wanted to see them or not...so surely them coming to spend time with you is enough without being expected to bring a gift?
It's nice when people do show appreciation with a small gift but to be honest, I've heard people moan about having to get others a gift when they've been invited to their home.
Best not to have expectations of people or get offended.

Fivetillmidnight · 09/02/2020 09:35

To all those saying 'ewwww' how crass to expect gifts I think you are wrong.
It's not the lack of 'gift' that's the issue but the horrible realisation that your friends /visitors do not seem to be in possession of even the most basic of social pleasantries.

Judge as you would be judged. I would never cross the threshold of another person house where there had been a specific invitation ... Coffee, LUnch, Tea or supper without a gift.

It's NOT about the gift though. The gift can be if little or no monetary value. Can be a bunch of daffs from the garden , Some cookies bought or baked ... a bottle of wine if going to dinner... as for Blackberrybunnet and her 'whole weekend guests' - the minimum would be flowers/chocss or wine on arrival and an invitation to take hosts out for either dinner/breakfast/lunch depending upon the agenda for the duration of their stay.

Not bringing and gift, is shockingly rude. It's not about the gift it's about the manners.

Dylanpickle · 09/02/2020 09:36

If I was hosting, I would never expect anything.

Friends who stopped recently did bring some posh coffee and biscuits, and sent a handwritten thankyou note about a week later. Which was appreciated, but not expected. I would and have done the similar.

nettie434 · 09/02/2020 09:38

Of course gifts are not necessary with friends that one sees frequently and where there is reciprocity, but the OP's invitation was rather more formal.

Agree with FlowerArranger. As you have not seen these friends for such a long time, I would have expected them to bring something. I guess it’s possible that they just assumed you were back to the old levels of friendship but if they did, wouldn’t they have invited you to theirs by now?

This week I got a thank you postcard for a Christmas present that I’d got for my nephew’s girlfriend but had not given her in person. It completely made my day.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/02/2020 09:43

Yup it's really rude not to take something!
To appreciate all the work to host.

The only exception I can think of... When we were regularly sharing food at their house and my house weekly.... So it was very reciprocal!

Mlou32 · 09/02/2020 09:44

I don't expect anyone to bring stuff when they come to visit. You've come to my house, I'm the host I will look after you.

Everything seems to be about gifts and spending money these days. We always have to be buying. Can't people just enjoy one anothers company and a verbal thank you suffice?

Kittensinmysupper · 09/02/2020 09:48

No really not about spending money. If anything something homemade is preferable , cookies, chutney, sloeGin for example.

Demonstrates thought and time taken , towards the hosts.

restawhile77 · 09/02/2020 09:48

Well I suppose it all boils down to whether YOU give gifts to a host. I most certainly would. So yes I would think it rude if someone came for the weekend, ate all your food and didn’t buy a little something in appreciation. It’s basic manners.

HelloDulling · 09/02/2020 09:49

I’m not sure it’s rude, just different.

I always take flowers/wine etc if I’m going to stay with someone, and send a card when I get home, but I know not everyone does. My MIL stays with us often, and never brings anything. I was surprised the first time, but am used to it now.

Wiaa · 09/02/2020 09:53

I've never taken a gift to the sort of event you describe, i do take my own drinks plenty enough to share and maybe some sort of pudding depending on the situation. I do think its a bit rude if they stayed all weekend and didn't contribute to anything though not sure why you would think that means they don't want to be friends though.

geojojo · 09/02/2020 09:55

It's different to a hotel though as I presume you got some pleasure from having them stay, you didn't just do them a favour. They will probably repay the expense by having you stay at theirs when you next meet up. I don't think it's necessarily rude, people just have different experiences and expectations. They will probably only realise their mistake when you show up at their house with a gift.

FlowerArranger · 09/02/2020 10:06

I'm just utterly amazed at all the posters who feel that visiting for an entire weekend without any kind of gift or contribution, plus no real thank you and no further contact, is acceptable.

It's not just bad manners, but very, very thoughtless. Actually more than thoughtless: the OP's friends have let her know, loud and clear, that she does not matter to them.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 09/02/2020 10:09

I wouldnt expect it but without fail all my guests have brought a bottle of wine or flowers, many have paid for a dinner out.

mrstrickland · 09/02/2020 10:21

I never go to visit someone empty handed; whether its biscuits, chocolates, wine etc even if just visiting for a few hours. Its just what we all do and would be odd not to. My husband's family live abroad and we see them maybe one every year or so and they always show up empty handed which I find bizarre. They live in USA so even a pack of Reeses pieces would be appreciated!