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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIMB to this houseguests should bring a gift?

180 replies

Blackberrybunnet · 08/02/2020 21:35

I will try to be concise. Recently met up with old friends who live in another city. We were once very close but time and distance came between us. So, maybe 20 years down the road, we met up again and I invited them to visit for the weekend. They did, but brought nothing at all in the way of a thankyou gift- no wine, no flowers - nada! At the time I thought, oh well,they will send a thank you card or some flowers later. Nope. Nothing. Neither did they invite us to theirs in return- although she has since said on FB "we must get together again". AIBU to feel miffed? They didn't need to come at all if they didn't want to! I understand that they might not feel like resuming the relationship, but why not even a thanks for the visit? Or a bunch of flowers at the time? We aren't a hotel!!! I Almost felt like billing them afterwards(I didn't, btw!). When I commented on this to another friend, she said , disparagingly, " you're cross because they didnt bring you a present?" This made me wonder if IABU? Any comments?

OP posts:
chinateapot · 09/02/2020 08:33

I would always take something and think it’s polite to do so. For those saying it’s too expensive - it can be something cheap, that’s fine - bunch of daffs, home made biscuits- but something.

LolaSmiles · 09/02/2020 08:34

oncemorewithfeeling99
We clearly lead a simpler existence. Smile

Hosting events out over time and nobody in our group has the inclination to create a norm where every get together has an implied price tag of £20 in obligation gifts.

Then again, I'm sure MNers would consider how our social group works to be terrible hosting because it's the norm for people to ask if they can bring anything and then bring a side or bread or nibbles, or drinks of choice. At the end of evenings we say thank you and agree to do it again soon. No gushing or cards to express profound gratitude.

LoveIsLovely · 09/02/2020 08:37

I would always bring something but I couldn't care less if someone else brings me anything.

I meet my friends cos I like them, not so I can judge their manners.

Rosehipbubbles · 09/02/2020 08:38

You are not an AI hotel - if there was going to be drinking I would probably arrive with at least two bottles, snacks, sweets for their dc and buy more during the weekend and offer to pay for some food.

When going just to dinner at friends - I usually offer to bring the pudding and frequently do.
If my dds are going to friends for the afternoon or s sleepover I often send them with a packet of biscuits or sweets. It's not just me this is pretty normal in my circle.

Ihavenoidewhatsgoingon · 09/02/2020 08:38

Yanbu.

We have a holiday home in an expensive area - I always have people inviting themselves to stay.

Most do thankfully bring something as it’s expensive to constantly provide 3 meals a day with wine and as they are on “holiday” they don’t want pasta for dinner.

The ones that don’t bring anything - I make sure we are “full” when they send their next booking request.

Fullyhuman · 09/02/2020 08:40

I was brought up to bring something but I think this custom will change as more people prioritise the environment - of course home made chutney from your garden is green as can be but we can’t all manage that. Pretty boxed chocolates tend to have a lot of packaging and flowers usually have a huge carbon footprint, transported miles in refrigerated lorries.

I’m wondering, OP, if you put a lot of effort into ensuring your friends had a nice weekend and felt a bit unappreciated? And maybe the no-gift is more a focal point of this than the point itself?

BahMooQuack · 09/02/2020 08:41

I know lou! I have never been able to quite tolerate this 'friend' since.

DH is more forgiving. he always said that he liked this friend alot but would never quite trust him. So he basically let it wash over him.

(Some years later the same friend stiffed another friend of ours when she opened a cafe. he came in ordered hamburgers for him and his kids then walked out saying that surely she would not charge him as they were friends!). Sio he has a reputation. I am not sure why anyone would be satisfied going through life like that. It must be miserable knowing your own friends think you are untrustworthy and a CF!!

Mamabear88 · 09/02/2020 08:42

Yeah YABU. Obviously bringing something would be nice I certainly wouldn't expect anything.

IrishMamaMia · 09/02/2020 08:43

I'd rather not go to someone's place than not bring a gift. Cringing for people here who think they don't need to bring something.

Hoppetyflop · 09/02/2020 08:44

Personally i think it's quite greedy to expect something WHEN YOU have invited people over.

I do, because I was raised that way and saw my parents take gifts over to dinners and gatherings as a thank you. However there were plenty of people who didn't when they would come to us and my parents never said a bad word. You don't know people's circumstances financially and even what you may see as "manners" may not be as obvious to others.

I think good manners would be to not expect next time and not invite people over if you're expecting some sort of gratitude in the form of a gift.

KatherineJaneway · 09/02/2020 08:45

YANBU. I would expect at least a token bottle of wine or flowers when I am hosting.

I am surprised by some of the answers on this thread. Do this many people really turn up to stay with others not taking a single bean?

savethecat · 09/02/2020 08:45

YANBU 100% you should always bring a hostess gift.

saraclara · 09/02/2020 08:47

Hosting events out over time and nobody in our group has the inclination to create a norm where every get together has an implied price tag of £20 in obligation gifts.

Exactly. It's just common sense. Also I could do without any more chocolates.

StarlightLady · 09/02/2020 08:47

I think it’s nice if guests bring a bottle.

KidCaneGoat · 09/02/2020 08:48

I wouldn’t expect a gift. I’m always a bit shocked when people bring something. I love having people stay and get surprised when people think they ought to bring something.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 09/02/2020 08:49

I wouldn't dream turning up empty handed. We would always bring wine and perhaps some cheese or something to have in the evenings and would pay for at least one dinner out.

Bihye · 09/02/2020 08:50

I wouldn't mind if my guests turned up without a gift, BUT I'd never turn up to somewhere I'd been invited to without one.

catwithnohat · 09/02/2020 08:50

Is it a generational thing?? My parents' generation never visited without bringing something (usually food related and so much you'd have thought there was a famine!) even if was just for the day or for dinner.

TheReef · 09/02/2020 08:53

I have a similar friends situation and we always meet up at my friends house ( it's mahoosive), she'll text us a few days before and say something like 'I'll sort breakfast, friend 1, can you bring nibbles, friend 2 can you sort desert, and both something to drink. I presume we'll eat out X day, everyone ok with that?' it's always worked well for us.

FlowerArranger · 09/02/2020 08:55

it’s basic good manners to bring a token gift when someone who isn’t family is hosting you. Maybe others disagree, but did me this is basic etiquette.

THIS. Of course gifts are not necessary with friends that one sees frequently and where there is reciprocity, but the OP's invitation was rather more formal.

I’m wondering, OP, if you put a lot of effort into ensuring your friends had a nice weekend and felt a bit unappreciated? And maybe the no-gift is more a focal point of this than the point itself?

And this. Reading between the lines, I get the impression that the weekend did not go as well as hoped. Particularly since there seems to be no prospect of a return invitation.

Batqueen · 09/02/2020 09:00

I would always bring something but not necessarily anything big and don’t care if anyone brings things to me. If I’ve invited someone it’s because I want to see them.

DorsetCamping · 09/02/2020 09:01

YANBU it's basic good manners to give at least a small token

Standrewsschool · 09/02/2020 09:01

I would always take something for the host, bottle of wine, box of chocolates etc. I see it as a ‘thank you’ for hosting, an appreciation of their efforts.

Topsy44 · 09/02/2020 09:04

YANBU. Its basic manners. I always take a little something if I am staying at friends/family for the weekend or even just for dinner.

Christmaspug · 09/02/2020 09:04

Yep that’s rude ,I’d of taken a gift ,some food ,and sent a thankyou card and after with more flowers
Don’t invite them again