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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIMB to this houseguests should bring a gift?

180 replies

Blackberrybunnet · 08/02/2020 21:35

I will try to be concise. Recently met up with old friends who live in another city. We were once very close but time and distance came between us. So, maybe 20 years down the road, we met up again and I invited them to visit for the weekend. They did, but brought nothing at all in the way of a thankyou gift- no wine, no flowers - nada! At the time I thought, oh well,they will send a thank you card or some flowers later. Nope. Nothing. Neither did they invite us to theirs in return- although she has since said on FB "we must get together again". AIBU to feel miffed? They didn't need to come at all if they didn't want to! I understand that they might not feel like resuming the relationship, but why not even a thanks for the visit? Or a bunch of flowers at the time? We aren't a hotel!!! I Almost felt like billing them afterwards(I didn't, btw!). When I commented on this to another friend, she said , disparagingly, " you're cross because they didnt bring you a present?" This made me wonder if IABU? Any comments?

OP posts:
Yeahnah2020 · 09/02/2020 00:05

I was always taught it is extremely bad manners not to bring a small token gift when you are going to anyone’s house. Especially to stay for the weekend! That is very rude of them not toZ.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 09/02/2020 00:05

And really who sends hand written thank you cards after visiting someone these days?! This all sounds like something out of a 50's housewife handbook. Text messages are more than adequate to express the sentiment.

itwaseverthus · 09/02/2020 00:14

YANBU It's very bad form to stay for a weekend and take nothing at all for the host.

managedmis · 09/02/2020 00:23

Did they drink wine and eat food?

Then yes, they should have brought a gift. We all know that, not rocket science.

billy1966 · 09/02/2020 00:23

OP, definitely don't allow it to unduly annoy you.
I have never visited anyone without bringing a gift.
I've never had anyone visit without bring a gift.
Not a big deal...just general manners...as I learnt them growing up.
It is just what is my normal, with people I have met socially, for the last 35+ years.
But that is not to say it is the normal for others.
I would just know it as basic manners. Others don't.
Not a big deal.
However, it does help you identify those you will have common ground with.
I do think a text is sufficient to thank someone for a visit.
💐

heartsonacake · 09/02/2020 00:26

YABU. You invited them because you wanted them there; you shouldn’t be expecting anything off them.

SunshineAngel · 09/02/2020 00:41

If you expect people to bring gifts, don't invite them. Invite them because you just want to see them.

Clevererthanyou · 09/02/2020 00:48

I’m not sure about gifts because some people aren’t aware of cultural norms and some people are just skinflints but it was very rude and ill mannered for them not to have thanked you nicely for a lovely stay, that’s the very least they could have done.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 09/02/2020 00:48

YABU, I wouldn't dream of expecting a gift.
If I got one, of course all nice and lovely but I wouldn't be taking the hump and posting on social media that I didn''t get a present!

PenelopeFlintstone · 09/02/2020 00:53

Did they buy wine at all over the weekend? Or only eat and drink what you provided?

WhatsTheLatest · 09/02/2020 00:55

I taught my dcs you don't go so somewhere with swinging (empty) hands. Not sure where the expression is from, but always have a little thank you gift for someone's hospitality.

Yanbu in thinking that is the norm. It's just manners imo

echt · 09/02/2020 00:56

I suppose this thread illustrates the principle that one should not expect a gift. Ever.

It does bring into question the height of vulgarity that is the wedding list, though. Smile

Dieu · 09/02/2020 00:56

Oh, I would NEVER turn up without a small gift for the host. I'd be so embarrassed if I did.
YADNBU.

BillHadersNewWife · 09/02/2020 00:58

I was brought up to bring something but it seems many are not. I've only had one houseguest buy us a gift after a stay of two weeks and it was a very lovely gift so I was surprised.

My adult niece stayed for 3 weeks, didn't lift one finger, just ate all the food and then had a hissy fit after she returned to her own country and forgot a pair of trousers she'd left here and I didn't immediately post them back at my own expense.

Shocking.

Stonerosie67 · 09/02/2020 01:07

YANBU it's really bad manners to turn up empty handed.

windycuntryside · 09/02/2020 01:10

Personally I do not think you are bu. It’s not grabby to want to feel appreciated. . I will have no sympathy however if you invite them and then complain they didn’t return the favour.
I did this about 3 times for absolutely no thanks, or “that’s nice” or “fuck you , I only came for the free food”. Never again. Funnily enough no invite was reciprocated.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 09/02/2020 01:11

Oh, I would NEVER turn up without a small gift for the host. I'd be so embarrassed if I did. YADNBU

Just to be clear if I was staying somewhere I'd always take something like wine and/or chocs for example, but I don't get the expecting people to bring you something mentality! (Not particularly you, just in general on the thread)
If I'd have invited people to stay, it'd be because I wanted to see them. Not because I wanted a present too, it genuinely wouldn't even cross my mind.

windycuntryside · 09/02/2020 01:11

Sorry to be clear., I meant if you invite them, again!

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/02/2020 06:56

YANBU, I was taught to take a small token gift when visiting someone’s house for dinner or staying over. I always take wine + another gift depending on who it is.

eaglejulesk · 09/02/2020 07:06

YABU. It is certainly good manners to bring a gift of some sort, but there should be no expectation at all from the host. You invited them to visit you, they didn't ask if they could come, and you should be satisfied with their company.

Pepperama · 09/02/2020 07:07

They might’ve forgotten, or it’s not that usual in their circles, who cares.

The question is did you have a nice time? Did you feel like they enjoyed themselves? They said let’s do it again, so they at least seemed to. If you did, keep in touch and do it again. If you didn’t like having them around then don’t. I don’t get why a bottle of wine or a card would affect your view if the visit so much unless you think they knew they’re important to you and deliberately didn’t give you anything to annoy you.

saraclara · 09/02/2020 07:08

I usually take something if I'm staying with someone, but I don't expect a gift from anyone. I certainly wouldn't be annoyed enough to bitch about them to someone else. And if a friend moaned to me that a guest hadn't bright them a gift, I'd think them really grabby and respond like your friend did.

InfiniteSheldon · 09/02/2020 07:09

Yadnbu it's rude to spend a weekend in someone's home without giving the host flowers or chocolates, wine for joint consumption doesn't count unless you bought loads! My last overnight guest bought all 3 and we always pitch up with gifts.

AhNowTed · 09/02/2020 07:21

I wouldn't turn up for an evening without wine, let alone an entire weekend.

But I don't see it as a gift. It's for general consumption.

Frenchw1fe · 09/02/2020 07:24

We have some family members who have never brought so much as a bottle of wine when staying for a weekend although we always take a gift if we stay with them.
It doesn't worry me as it's been the same for years.
What annoys me more is they never say thank you for anything. I've posted presents in the past when the children were small and never known if they've been received. My niece has her own dc now and is the same. Considering it takes 1 minute to send a message on social media I just find this incredibly rude.