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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIMB to this houseguests should bring a gift?

180 replies

Blackberrybunnet · 08/02/2020 21:35

I will try to be concise. Recently met up with old friends who live in another city. We were once very close but time and distance came between us. So, maybe 20 years down the road, we met up again and I invited them to visit for the weekend. They did, but brought nothing at all in the way of a thankyou gift- no wine, no flowers - nada! At the time I thought, oh well,they will send a thank you card or some flowers later. Nope. Nothing. Neither did they invite us to theirs in return- although she has since said on FB "we must get together again". AIBU to feel miffed? They didn't need to come at all if they didn't want to! I understand that they might not feel like resuming the relationship, but why not even a thanks for the visit? Or a bunch of flowers at the time? We aren't a hotel!!! I Almost felt like billing them afterwards(I didn't, btw!). When I commented on this to another friend, she said , disparagingly, " you're cross because they didnt bring you a present?" This made me wonder if IABU? Any comments?

OP posts:
Headfull · 09/02/2020 07:24

Had a houseguest for 5 days a few years ado, fed and entertained her and kids. Not even a bunch of daffs (just a v cheep holiday for her). She’s been cut off as to be honest it is just a small part in her lack of manners. Gifts don’t have to be expensive it’s the thought that counts. Having said that if we are staying at someone’s house for a weekend/ longer we try to pay for some meals and take decent gifts as it’s expensive for them to feed us, and the effort they have made cooking, sorting beds etc. YANBU at all it wouldn’t of cost much or taken much of an effort for them to show their appreciation for your effort.

Wanteddownunder · 09/02/2020 07:28

Yes it’s good manners to take a gift for the host but being annoyed when they didn’t, and even worse , discussing it with another friend puts you on another level.

Beautiful3 · 09/02/2020 07:31

Your friend is right.

LolaSmiles · 09/02/2020 07:32

I must live on another planet. All this compulsory gift giving is bizarre to me.

None of our friends being gifts when they stay or visit. We don't either. It must add up if each time anyone goes anywhere they're buying wine, chocolate, flowers.

If we're having a get together then the hosts are asked it guests can bring anything and that gets brought. It's usually a token in terms of nibbles and useful rather that wine and chocolates for no other reason than to prove you're not rude.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 09/02/2020 07:46

I agree Lola. We frequently host or visit friends and I would be really confused if guests bought me chocolates/flowers if it’s not my birthday! Must cost a small fortune and for what? Just seems daft. Surely if you’re friends you just take it in turns. Even if (as is the case with some friends) circumstances mean they never host, I still wouldn’t expect a gift. I just expect their pleasant company.

CallmeAngelina · 09/02/2020 07:47

I cannot imagine ever turning up to someone's house for a meal and not taking wine. And as a weekend would include meals, then yes, even more so.
Not sure I'd count that as "a gift" though. Maybe that's where the confusion lay with the friend you asked about it?

CakeandCustard28 · 09/02/2020 07:49

YABU. You invited them and being a bit rude with your reaction.

mrsnotveryhappy · 09/02/2020 07:50

Just wondering whether this is a regional difference? I would always take something along; likewise my friends reciprocate. I am astonished to think that people don't, particularly if staying over.
Q. Why do service stations sell lots of flowers? LOL!!!

BahMooQuack · 09/02/2020 07:59

I think at the very least you brings flowers and a bottle of wine. And if you are out at some point then you buy lunch or a round of drinks.

That would be my base level really.

This thread does remind me though that when i first met DH he had a holiday house and the first several summers we were filled to the brim with people asking to stay. There was one set of people who DH did not really know, but a friend of his asked if they coudl stay for a particular local even they wanted to experience. So they stayed for 4 days .. then the following year stayed again for another 4 days. Man they were hard work. Just entitled. And they never once brought any sort of gift, even though when they first came we did not know them from a bar of soap and were doing a favour for DH's friend. The wife in particular was incredibly demanding and disapproving of everything.

We found out many years doiwn the track that our friend had 'sub-let' our place and had taken money from these people. So no wonder they did not bring anything... they had paid to use our place like a B&B.

I was so furious.

PixieDustt · 09/02/2020 08:02

We aren't a hotel!!

YOU asked them to stay! Sorry but you need to get a grip. You shouldn't expect a gift because YOU offered them to stay.

DorisDances · 09/02/2020 08:04

Gifts shouldn't be expected as the guests may pay for a meal out when they are visiting etc. I would never go and stay with anyone without bringing along something nice.

Mummyzzz044 · 09/02/2020 08:07

It would have been lovely for them to bring something.. not expected.
When I invite people over I make sure I have everything in. Wine, food etc to make them feel welcome and have a nice time.
I've never expected them to bring a gift. If I was then to go to their home (again not expected) they would probably do the same.
I never have sent a thank you card. Everyone is different.
It's okay to feel miffed but you're making a big deal over it.

MrsAJ27 · 09/02/2020 08:08

Really???

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 09/02/2020 08:10

AIBU to feel miffed?
Yes. Very.
We aren't a hotel!!! I Almost felt like billing them afterwards
You invited them! I, personally, would always take something but I certainly don’t think it should be expected. YABU.

Fallsballs · 09/02/2020 08:10

Yanbu - I think it’s ill mannered of your guests. It’s not the amount of the gift, it’s a reflection of thanks and rude not to acknowledge staying in someone’s home. I thought this was a basic good manners thing !

MrsDilligaf · 09/02/2020 08:11

I'm another one who always takes a gift...it's just something my family have always done, so I picked it up from them. However I am a very awkward gift receiver so not receiving a gift wouldn't bother me.

I'd be a bit miffed at not getting a thank you though.

neighbourhoodwitch · 09/02/2020 08:13

Yanbu!! I always go laden with gifts!

MaudesMum · 09/02/2020 08:15

I always bring wine if I'm invited round to dinner, or invited to stay - this is partly because I am likely to be drinking wine at some point, so will, in effect, be replacing what I drink! I might also add a bunch of flowers or some chocolates or nice biscuits to say thanks. And I quite frequently ask in advance if there's anything I can bring - it gives the host the chance to spread the load if its going to be a meal or event for more people. It might just be an extra packet of crisps or more cheese biscuits, but its then one less thing for them to provide. Usually a text of thanks afterwards these days.

Nanalisa60 · 09/02/2020 08:17

I’m another one who always take a gift!! Usually a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers, went to a friends last Saturday for dinner took Lilly’s for her yesterday day morning she sent a photo of them to me they look so nice as they had now opened up.

LouReidDododo · 09/02/2020 08:18

YANBU. I font expect my guests to come armed with presents.

But I do expect them to be gracious and say thank you for you hosting them. It’s just basic manners.

Rude

AJPTaylor · 09/02/2020 08:22

I have a group of friends that come down to mine, 2 or 3 stay with us and 2 or 3 in a local hotel. I do Sunday breakfast. All of them bring a gift, chocs flowers wine etc. I never expect it and it is always lovely.
Yanbu.

LouReidDododo · 09/02/2020 08:22

BahMooQuack
That is CF at its best!! Shock

SW16 · 09/02/2020 08:26

If I was visiting for the W/e I would turn up with one bottle of sparkling wine and two bottles of red.

Share costs when eating out.

Offer effusive thanks on leaving.

Send an e mail with a couple of pics of the weekend, saying ‘had a great time, lovely to see you’.

But if someone I had invited didn’t bring anything I wouldn’t dwell on it, unless they took the piss in other ways.

SW16 · 09/02/2020 08:30

Sometimes the travelling, the time, the petrol (and especially the train fare!) is more onerous than the hosting if the distance is substantial.

I am appreciative when friends travel to me.

Oulu · 09/02/2020 08:30

I always take a small present if staying with someone, usually something like flowers and/or wine. I'd also take them out for a meal or similar if at all possible.