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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIMB to this houseguests should bring a gift?

180 replies

Blackberrybunnet · 08/02/2020 21:35

I will try to be concise. Recently met up with old friends who live in another city. We were once very close but time and distance came between us. So, maybe 20 years down the road, we met up again and I invited them to visit for the weekend. They did, but brought nothing at all in the way of a thankyou gift- no wine, no flowers - nada! At the time I thought, oh well,they will send a thank you card or some flowers later. Nope. Nothing. Neither did they invite us to theirs in return- although she has since said on FB "we must get together again". AIBU to feel miffed? They didn't need to come at all if they didn't want to! I understand that they might not feel like resuming the relationship, but why not even a thanks for the visit? Or a bunch of flowers at the time? We aren't a hotel!!! I Almost felt like billing them afterwards(I didn't, btw!). When I commented on this to another friend, she said , disparagingly, " you're cross because they didnt bring you a present?" This made me wonder if IABU? Any comments?

OP posts:
Sunflower20 · 08/02/2020 22:16

YABU to expect one but they're rude.

user1493494961 · 08/02/2020 22:24

I also wouldn't arrive empty-handed. Did they pay for a meal out or a take-away?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 08/02/2020 22:26

They accepted your invitation. They didn’t impose on you. YABU

HouseOfCrayCray · 08/02/2020 22:31

Wow... yabu, sorry

CherryPavlova · 08/02/2020 22:34

Whilst one should never expect a gift, turning up empty handed is just rudef.One wouldn't go to.a supper party without a jar of something, let alone a weekend visit.
I think you're reasonable to question their understanding of social norms.
I can't imagine going to stay in town with friends and not taking something like chutney or Quince jelly. People coming to us from town usually bring something from one of the stores. Nice teabags or coffee.

tararabumdeay · 08/02/2020 22:34

YANBU Never arrive empty handed - it's simple manners.

OscarWildesCat · 08/02/2020 22:40

Personally I always bring something if visiting, especially if for a full weekend, it's the way I was brought up so I dont think YABU but I wouldn't have thought much of it other than to think it a little rude.

Notajogger · 08/02/2020 22:51

Bit odd that they didn't. But they did give up a weekend, and do the travelling to you.
YABU to get worked up about it.

justasking111 · 08/02/2020 22:56

Gift giver here, whether it be a supper or a weekend visit. If it was longer than a weekend taking the hosts out for a drink/meal is also done.

MyNewBearTotoro · 08/02/2020 22:58

YABU for not turning voting on for this!

Personally I wouldn’t expect a gift if someone cane to stay and I wouldn’t necessarily provide one if I was only staying a night or two. If I was staying longer I would probably buy take away one night as a thanks but if you’ve been invited to stay somewhere I don’t think a gift is essential.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/02/2020 22:59

Don’t host if you expect guests to turn up with gifts or get cross that you had to spend money on food etc.

If we invite friends over or to stay it’s because we want to spend time with them not for what they bring or pay for.

MrsSchadenfreude · 08/02/2020 23:00

YANBU. It’s rude to turn up anywhere without even a tiny gift. A £2 bunch of daffs would have done.

thistimelastweek · 08/02/2020 23:04

If by gifts you mean wine, YANBU

Elieza · 08/02/2020 23:28

I wouldn’t go empty handed to someone’s house - I even take biscuits round to my pals house and I see her once a week it’s not a special thing like a dinner! For dinner it’s wine, chocs, flowers, or all three if any overnight stay.

ludothedog · 08/02/2020 23:35

Yes, it's normal to take something and if staying the weekend I would pay for dinner out or takeaway as well.

However, I have friends who go over the top - cakes and flowers when they come over for the evening and then of course I have to reciprocate when we go back. To be honest I've canclled/re-arranged in the past as I didn't have enough money to buy the obligatory wine, plus flowers, crisps and dip to take. Sometimes it's just too much!

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2020 23:39

I was taught it was only polite to take a gift if someone is hosting you. My friend was down for a football match with her family recently and brought flowers and wine, despite only coming round for coffee.

I always take flowers/cake/wine if we go somewhere for dinner.

HugeAckmansWife · 08/02/2020 23:40

My current houseguest has spent over £100 to get to me, so no, I don't expect a gift. I've filled the fridge with appropriate food including some specific requests like non dairy milk and made sure there was drink in for the first night. She has since bought drink for tonight. I don't need a gift.. She travelled a long way and paid a lot to do so. I massively appreciate the effort from her and my other friends who have done likewise since I moved to the other end of the country.

katy1213 · 08/02/2020 23:45

I would always bring, at the very least, wine and some decent chocolates - but, if I were you, I'd be more annoyed at the lack of a written thank-you. And, no, a text will not do!

Bluerussian · 08/02/2020 23:49

Give it time, if they enjoyed themselves they may entertain you in return. It would have been easier had they sent you a thank you and a gift but they didn't and there's not much you can do about it. Did you all have a good time together when they came to you?

TheGinGenie · 08/02/2020 23:51

Crikey how do you all afford to take all these things to people's houses all the time?

SallySun123 · 08/02/2020 23:52

I would take a bottle of wine going to someone’s for dinner but I was never taught to take a gift when staying over at someone’s house. It makes sense seeing the comments. Maybe your friend wasn’t taught either. Blame their upbringing!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/02/2020 23:56

I wouldn't expect someone to bring me a gift just because I invited them to my house Confused.

Why on earth q OK uld you think that meant they didn't want to come, or resume the friendship. I find this mindset odd.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/02/2020 00:00

Personally I wouldn't dream of turning up empty handed if somebody invited me to stay at their home. I always take wine, cake or chocolates and flowers. Surely that's the right thing to do? On that basis YANBU OP.

Didshereally · 09/02/2020 00:02

I agree that for a dinner party, it's bad manners not to turn up with at least a bottle of wine (or a few soft drinks if neither drink alcohol), as otherwise you're supplying everything (they drank your wine I presume if staying over and ate your food!) . I'd usually bring chocolates as well, often the hosts open them after meal has finished. And they stayed for the weekend? Yup, it is Surprising and raise-one-eyebrow worthy to not bring anything!

Did she text a 'Thankyou for the lovely weekend, it was v kind of you' afterwards? I prefer a text / message to a card (it seems a waste for environment)

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 09/02/2020 00:03

I wouldn't expect guests to bring anything