Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To ask when adult teenage men / boys stop being entitled shits?

134 replies

Maskedsinger · 08/02/2020 20:23

To my shame I have just spectacularly lost my shit with DS 19 and slapped him. It’s been a long time coming, he’s treated me like a piece of dirt on his shoe for probably the last 2-3 years. He’s had a lovely, stable upbringing, never wanted for anything - both emotional and material. Unfortunately he seems to have turned into an entitled, rude and dismissive young man who has no time for me at all unless he needs something.

He won’t look at me when I talk to him, he doesn’t listen - tonight’s row was because I’d left him a very simple instruction to put something extra in the oven for a further 10 minutes when the timer went off but instead he took all the food out.

No biggie really but he will argue white is black that I told him to do that. He laughed at me as I got increasingly upset, said I was lying and that I am a liar - you are crying because you know you are wrong etc. I know what I said and it wasn’t that. He will not take responsibility for his mistake (never has been able to say sorry very easily).
I completely lost my rag and slapped him and now I feel awful. Please tell me they grow out of this, he has everything done for him, lives in a beautiful home rent free as we are trying to allow him to save his apprenticeship salary.

Thinking about things this attitude should have been nipped in the bud much sooner, I don’t know whether to apologise as I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but I don’t want him thinking he can speak to me like shit and get away with it.

OP posts:

siring1 · 08/02/2020 20:34

You hit him and it's his fault!?!

If a man said that about hitting his wife..

AllPointsNorth · 08/02/2020 20:37

You train them when they are small, so that when they are big, they know how to have respectful, reciprocal relationships. You call them on their arrogant and selfish behaviour.
But your dealing with a man of 19 now. The fact he didn’t slap you back this time shows he has some understanding of violence not always being the answer. You should apologise for losing control.
You need to establish a system where he gets extras if he complies with basic house rules. He may not be in a position to pay rent if he’s an apprentice, but he can share housework and the adult work that goes into sharing a house. If you have a partner, you need to work together to establish a few boundaries and reasonable expectations.
It’s going to be tough, you are starting years later than many of us.
Or you hang in until his apprenticeship is finished, and he takes his spoilt backside to a houseshare.

AllPointsNorth · 08/02/2020 20:39

No, they don’t grow out of it. They become the useless, shit partners that these threads are full of complaints about. Cocklodgers.

TomPinch · 08/02/2020 20:42

Who is the adult in the room? Your son or you?

You know that you're in the wrong here, so why are you trying to justify it in such a sexist way by saying you were provoked?

Give yourself a treat, and when you feel better, apologise to him.

Original poster

Maskedsinger · 08/02/2020 20:44

I know I am massively out of order for slapping him. I have apologised. Problem is he can’t see that he pushed and pushed, his attitude towards me is appalling. He seems to think he can’t do any wrong. I know we are at fault - he’s always been such a good kid and we’ve never disciplined in a heavy handed way but he became rude and sullen as soon as he realised he wasn’t able to lay in bed and play his PlayStation 24/7.

OP posts:

Kirkman · 08/02/2020 20:44

Entitled adult teen men are the same as Entitles adult teen women. Some grow out of it. Some dont.

I imagine if you think slapping him is acceptable (feeling a bit bad isnt the same as knowing its unacceptable) theres a reason he has grown up this way.

TomPinch · 08/02/2020 20:45

@AllPointsNorth

So when did you stop hitting your son?

Tableclothing · 08/02/2020 20:45

You slapped him over a dish being taken out of the oven ten minutes early?

When will YOU grow out of it?

raspberryk · 08/02/2020 20:46

It's how you've raised him unfortunately, sounds like my exH, both how he was raised and how he turned out. Still hasn't changed at 36 I am afraid.
Giving children "everything" does them no favours, neither does allowing them to live rent free as adults.
You were unreasonable to have slapped him!

TomPinch · 08/02/2020 20:46

his attitude towards me is appalling. He seems to think he can’t do any wrong. I know we are at fault - he’s always been such a good...

Teenaged person is teenager.

Curiosity101 · 08/02/2020 20:47

he has everything done for him, lives in a beautiful home rent free

As a PP said - he absolutely wont grow out of it. Why would he? There's nothing to grow out of, his life is perfect just the way it is so where is the incentive to change.

You absolutely do need to start adding in boundaries and responsibilities that bring his behaviour into line and cause him to learn respect.

But hitting him was not ok and you should apologise whilst you also explain that things will be changing as you can't take his behaviour any longer. It's going to be tough because what you're talking about it a paradigm shift for an adult, but if he's going to continue living with you it sounds like it needs to happen.

ActualHornist · 08/02/2020 20:47

Piss off @siring1 as if the two situations are comparable.

I get it OP. Spend some real time with him tomorrow, tell him you want half an hour to talk to him. Start off with apologising for the slap. You lost control, and you shouldn’t have. However, he is an adult now, and treating you like shit, making you so upset is not on. If he can’t have any respect for you then you worry about the other people in his life. He needs to start taking responsibility for his own actions or he is going to alienate everyone in his life, starting with his own mother.

Or, just tell him it’s time for him to move out. He clearly has no respect for you and you’ve got to the end of your rope.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/02/2020 20:47

My 20yo has his faults (he's human) but he's not an entitled arse .

He's at University , works P/T and we give him a roof over his head, food, pay his travel, phone and clothes and don't take rent .

He is appreciative of this .( and I'd never let him speak to me in a disrespectful way either , he'd be out on his ear )

Your DS sounds a bit of a nightmare for such a young man.

Hopefully this will be a turning point in your relationship.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 08/02/2020 20:49

You were wrong to hit him, no matter how much he was winding you up. You say you've given him everything and he has everything done for him. This is your mistake. You need to set some boundaries and start training him (albeit very late in the day) that he needs to pull his weight, otherwise some other soul is going to end up with a selfish arrogant entitled partner.

TheFaerieQueene · 08/02/2020 20:50

I didnt ever have these problems with my DS. He has always been respectful to me and his extended family. I can’t answer your question because he hasn’t ever been an entitled shit.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 08/02/2020 20:50

Sorry OP you lost any moral high ground when you lost it and slapped him.

Why have you not nipped his poor behaviour and lack of respect for you in the bud LONG before now?

Original poster

Maskedsinger · 08/02/2020 20:51

He was always the bright, successful kid - we heaped praise on him, he could never do wrong. Then knuckling down at school came and he messed up his A levels as he refused to do any work - he thought they would be as easy as his GCSE’s. He had a massive shock as suddenly he wasn’t the king of the walk any more. He decided to take an apprenticeship and he’s been fine but he seems to resent actually having to grow up. He’s angry with me in particular - he actually said we should ‘keep’ him until he decided what he wanted to do - all the time he spent 15 hours a day gaming.

OP posts:

AllPointsNorth · 08/02/2020 20:51

I’ve never hit my children TomPinch What made you think I had?
Mine are all in their 20s now, but money was tight when they were younger, so they didn’t get everything without thought. Want the shower fixed? A month of cheap vegetarian family cooking to save up.
He’s got no incentive to change, and crying at him won’t do anything either. Look at what you provide for him and decide what is necessary and what is a nice extra. Then stop the nice extras.

1Morewineplease · 08/02/2020 20:52

You said, yourself, that ‘things should have been nipped in the bud sooner.’
It sounds like you didn’t have boundaries and expectations in place beforehand.
It will be difficult to reign him in but you need to have an adult heart to heart with him.
You will also need to apologise to him. What you did to him is domestic violence.
He should not be subjected to this. AT ALL!!!

You have allowed him to live rent free and with no responsibilities... why? He should feel part of the family collective. Why doesn’t he? Have you just let him be once he turned 16?
You need to build bridges.

Original poster

Maskedsinger · 08/02/2020 20:55

I didn’t slap him for taking a dish out of the oven early! That wasn’t a problem. I slapped him because he absolutely would not accept responsibility for not listening to the instruction. He would rather argue and argue and argue, call me a liar, say I was ‘losing it’ and I cent remember what I said - he gaslights me regularly, he’s clever at twisting everything I say until I end up doubting myself.
I absolutely lost my rag, never done it before but it’s been building for months.

OP posts:

Helini · 08/02/2020 20:56

OP, you shouldn't have hit him. But you know that. Let's take a look at the wider problems.

never wanted for anything Problem number one.

he has everything done for him Problem number two.

lives in a beautiful home rent free Problem number three.

Unfortunately OP, this isn't something grown men can grow out of easily. He's been conditioned to treat you like this for years. He's a product of his upbringing. He's had a wonderful life thrusted at him and is unable to appreciate it. Why would he? He's been taught it's acceptable to laugh and call his mother a liar and not apologise because, he finds saying sorry hard...

While trying to parent a grown man rather than a child like when he started acting up at 16 will be much harder, a start would be apologising for laying a hand in him. Then making some ground rules on what behaviour is acceptable under your roof and what changes need to be made.

Remember, he's going to go out and treat his future partner how he's learnt to treat others. And right now I'd be devastated if my DD ended up with a human like that.

Ponoka7 · 08/02/2020 20:58

Tbh, he was gas lighting you.

He's probably emotionally abusive towards you. Victims of emotional abuse often look like the one's in the wrong because they hit out. It's in the Lundy book and well documented across all DV literature.

OP only make ultimatums that you are prepared to carry through.

Tell him he doesn't get to speak to you the way he has been and continue living in the house.

He either pays his way or pitches in.

Ponoka7 · 08/02/2020 20:59

X post.

OP your son is an abuser. He needs calling out on his abuse.

siring1 · 08/02/2020 21:00

Sorry Actual!

My bad!

I made the mistake of thinking that hitting somebody who is no physical threat to you and hitting someone who is no physical threat to you are similar.

Sorry again!

Throughabushbackwards · 08/02/2020 21:02

Seems to me like it's time he got a job, a flat and an oven of his own.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6