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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when adult teenage men / boys stop being entitled shits?

134 replies

Maskedsinger · 08/02/2020 20:23

To my shame I have just spectacularly lost my shit with DS 19 and slapped him. It’s been a long time coming, he’s treated me like a piece of dirt on his shoe for probably the last 2-3 years. He’s had a lovely, stable upbringing, never wanted for anything - both emotional and material. Unfortunately he seems to have turned into an entitled, rude and dismissive young man who has no time for me at all unless he needs something.

He won’t look at me when I talk to him, he doesn’t listen - tonight’s row was because I’d left him a very simple instruction to put something extra in the oven for a further 10 minutes when the timer went off but instead he took all the food out.

No biggie really but he will argue white is black that I told him to do that. He laughed at me as I got increasingly upset, said I was lying and that I am a liar - you are crying because you know you are wrong etc. I know what I said and it wasn’t that. He will not take responsibility for his mistake (never has been able to say sorry very easily).
I completely lost my rag and slapped him and now I feel awful. Please tell me they grow out of this, he has everything done for him, lives in a beautiful home rent free as we are trying to allow him to save his apprenticeship salary.

Thinking about things this attitude should have been nipped in the bud much sooner, I don’t know whether to apologise as I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but I don’t want him thinking he can speak to me like shit and get away with it.

OP posts:
catnidge · 08/02/2020 21:29

Also teenage girls can be just as 'entitled'.
Awful way to describe your child., 'entitled shit' Maybe he'd be better off moving out.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/02/2020 21:33

he actually said we should ‘keep’ him until he decided what he wanted to do

He's decided though. He had a choice with his exams and it sounds like he tried to coast them.
He made a choice to do an Apprenticeship (other options would've been re-sit , full time job )

He is legally an adult . Your responsibility is till they are 18 legally .
Morally he's yours for life .

I do my DS washing because I do everyone's but he knows if it isn't in the basket it won't get done . And if he's an arse he can get a bus the to laundrette .

My little darling tells me I chose to have him and he's brought so much to my life

(Yes, stretch marks , poverty , and the inability to sleep like the dead which I could pre-DC )

Whyareyouallcallingmemum · 08/02/2020 21:34

Yeah I would have slapped him too.

He was being an arse

Weenurse · 08/02/2020 21:36

We had a house meeting when DC were a similar age and pointed out that we all worked/ studied full time. We were all adults and everyone had to pull their weight in terms of housework.
A chore chart was then developed and we stick to it today with DC now 22 and 23.
Shared cooking and cleaning rostered.
They do their on washing..

megletthesecond · 08/02/2020 21:38

I suspect you have a DH parenting problem which has contributed to your DS problem Flowers.

Vulpine · 08/02/2020 21:38

Im not sure the food/oven thing was worth getting that angry about

ElloBrian · 08/02/2020 21:39

Ok, you don’t just have a DS problem, you have a DH problem.
You need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about your son’s disrespect to you and his general attitude of treating the household like it’s all on tap.

Blackberrybunnet · 08/02/2020 21:42

I can't believe you slapped a 19 yr old MAN. That he didn't return the complement speaks volumes for his self restraint. You are to blame for his behaviour, so deal with it in a grown up way

dustibooks · 08/02/2020 21:42

Tell him that either he gets his shit together and behaves, or he will have to put all his shit in black sacks and move the hell out. Ungrateful turd.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 08/02/2020 21:44

Sounds like it's a case of you reap what you sow to me.........if I lived with an hysterical banshee I'd probably turn my ears off as well. 💁🏻‍♀️

cousinboneless · 08/02/2020 21:50

I get that you were pushed past your limit when you slapped him.
To you it's an immediate shock that you have lost all control. Unfortunately I don't think he will see that he has pushed you to this. Slapping isn't great, but neither is being pushed to the absolute end of your tether. I would apologise for the slap, but withdraw support massively now. You've tried and he's throwing it back in your face. Enough is enough. Don't ever allow him to take the piss to an extent that you feel this backed into a corner again.

cologne4711 · 08/02/2020 21:52

I know his behaviour is a product of his upbringing and my mistakes but it still hurts to be told that

Is it? Or is it just the way he is? MNers seem to put everything down to the way a child has been brought up and nothing down to genes. Clearly different siblings turn out differently (though they've had both the same genes AND upbringing) but everyone has their personality and you can't just change the way you are. OP do you have any relatives you don't like who are similar?

That said, I would not put up with a grown man not paying his way - or indeed being rude to me or laughing at me when I was upset and things would be changing very quickly.

And while slapping him was obviously wrong, it's very different to the other way round! If a woman hits a man, he gets a bruised ego. If a man hits a woman, he can kill her. Lets keep this slap in proportion.

lyralalala · 08/02/2020 21:52

Does your DH gaslight you?

cologne4711 · 08/02/2020 21:53

You are to blame for his behaviour

This isn't true.

cologne4711 · 08/02/2020 21:56

And the reason I know that is that because I am anti-social. But my mother tried to do her best to get me to be more sociable. She is very sociable. My father was not. Girls tend to take after their fathers. There's no way you can blame my lack of sociability on the failings of my mother.

And in another example I am pigeon toed. My parents had a big thing about it and were constantly trying to get me to walk with my feet out. Didn't work. 40 years on, I walk with my feet turned in.

Life ain't that simple. Just because you think you are a perfect parent does not mean you get the behaviour you would like to see. It's a lot more complicated than that.

AllPointsNorth · 08/02/2020 21:57

He is to blame for his behaviour, and his choices, facilitated by being loved too much and looked after too well.All the rights, no responsibilities.
What did his teachers say about him during his A levels?

Fishfingersandwichplease · 08/02/2020 22:08

Ok giving him a slap wasn't the best way but having had a similar conversation with my stepson when he was that age makes me totally understand why you did it - l made the mistake of talking to him like he was more mature than he was and all l got back was backchat and him just talking over me in a really aggressive way (wasn't just a one off) I didn't hit him but l did tell him where to go because he was just being a dick. I apologised afterwards but explained why he had wound me up so much and we def got on better after that.

Original poster
Maskedsinger · 08/02/2020 22:08

DH came home from during right after the row. I explained what had happened and DH summoned DS downstairs to sort things out.
DH then takes the high ground and sulks all evening and refuses to eat the meal I made anyway so I’ve binned it now.
Honestly, fuck the pair of them 🤯

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 08/02/2020 22:11

Sounds like the teen isn’t the only one behaving badly. Hmm

PerkyPomPoms · 08/02/2020 22:18

Yeah you have a DH and DS problem

hennyspennys · 08/02/2020 22:29

You are not in any position to criticise him after what you do.
If he's an entitled shut, something which I find offensive, well you brought him up,,.,.

ElloBrian · 08/02/2020 22:45

Ok so let’s talk about your marriage.

TomPinch · 08/02/2020 23:23

DH then takes the high ground and sulks all evening and refuses to eat the meal I made anyway so I’ve binned it now.
Honestly, fuck the pair of them

I wonder what you DH would say if he was posting here.

lyralalala · 09/02/2020 01:33

DH then takes the high ground and sulks all evening and refuses to eat the meal I made anyway so I’ve binned it now.

What has he taken the high ground about? What did he say about the slap?

Does your DH gaslight you as well?

OlaEliza · 09/02/2020 01:40

he has everything done for him, lives in a beautiful home rent free

And you want to slap the entitlement out of him? Confused