Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when adult teenage men / boys stop being entitled shits?

134 replies

Maskedsinger · 08/02/2020 20:23

To my shame I have just spectacularly lost my shit with DS 19 and slapped him. It’s been a long time coming, he’s treated me like a piece of dirt on his shoe for probably the last 2-3 years. He’s had a lovely, stable upbringing, never wanted for anything - both emotional and material. Unfortunately he seems to have turned into an entitled, rude and dismissive young man who has no time for me at all unless he needs something.

He won’t look at me when I talk to him, he doesn’t listen - tonight’s row was because I’d left him a very simple instruction to put something extra in the oven for a further 10 minutes when the timer went off but instead he took all the food out.

No biggie really but he will argue white is black that I told him to do that. He laughed at me as I got increasingly upset, said I was lying and that I am a liar - you are crying because you know you are wrong etc. I know what I said and it wasn’t that. He will not take responsibility for his mistake (never has been able to say sorry very easily).
I completely lost my rag and slapped him and now I feel awful. Please tell me they grow out of this, he has everything done for him, lives in a beautiful home rent free as we are trying to allow him to save his apprenticeship salary.

Thinking about things this attitude should have been nipped in the bud much sooner, I don’t know whether to apologise as I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but I don’t want him thinking he can speak to me like shit and get away with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maskedsinger · 08/02/2020 21:03

You know when they are small and you ignore bad behaviour and praise good? Well we’ve continued that right though till now. I’ve bitten my tongue and ignored so much but killed him with kindness in return hoping he’ll eventually grow out of it.
Well it seems he won’t - we’ve messed up.

OP posts:
MovingBriskyOn · 08/02/2020 21:03

I don't want to kick you when you're down.... PPs have done that already.
But you have to be the grown up here. If the situation isn't working then you need to look at what you can change to change the situation. It IS your house, so you get to set the rules.
He complies with those rules or he leaves.

And you apologise for the slap

stormciarathegale · 08/02/2020 21:05

He will be as long you allow it. Increasingly, fewer and fewer women are putting up with twats like this anymore. My DD doesn't and she's only a teenager. Nothing so unattractive as a mama's boy.

ProperVexed · 08/02/2020 21:06

OP, just showing some solidarity. I have a son who is remarkably similar to yours. I could slap him most days ( but I haven't yet). I know his behaviour is a product of his upbringing and my mistakes but it still hurts to be told that. You are probably doing your best. I am.

trilbydoll · 08/02/2020 21:07

I know people disagree with me but if you push someone far enough there's always the chance they will snap - and next time it might be a 6'4 man with a knife. I'm not sure how but I think he needs to recognise his role in what happened, not because he necessarily deserved a slap but because he's going to have a much easier life if he doesn't rub people up the wrong way.

AllPointsNorth · 08/02/2020 21:08

19 is still young, start setting simple boundaries, don’t make your expectations and rules too wordy or too many.
Consistency is going to be key here, or he’ll find the cracks and slither through them. He needs you both to teach him how to be an adult.
DD was a sharp learning curve for several of the young men she shared houses with at university. They also arrived with the expectation that women looked after men.

cheesydoesit · 08/02/2020 21:08

You say he's 'always' been a good lad but I bet that he really hasn't. You've just never asked anything of him and so there wasn't much friction before.

He sounds like a fucking nightmare to be honest and you are really going to have to make big changes to try and salvage something because as a PP said, as soon as you hit him you lost the moral high ground.

Silvercatowner · 08/02/2020 21:08

he could never do wrong

Wind back time and revise this. Kids - we all - get things wrong all the time. Learning from one's mistakes is so valuable.

Ilove · 08/02/2020 21:09

I’d have slapped him twice...feel free to PM me. You are right he is wrong

BooFuckingHoo2 · 08/02/2020 21:11

I think you’re getting a hard time OP.

Obviously it’s not ok that you slapped him but I think to an extent he needs to learn that being a cocky little shit and goading people (and dare I say behaving in a way that sounds abusive) won’t just result in people rolling over and accepting it.

Is his dad around? Because I bet he wouldn’t have behaved that way towards him.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 08/02/2020 21:14

Imagine any poor future girlfriends dealing with that lazy abusive man.

Kick him out.

Where is your DP/DH in all this?

timeisnotaline · 08/02/2020 21:14

There is zero point trying to get him ‘to recognise his role’ in this. The op has apologised. Apologise again and say this is a bigger apology, because for years I’ve been letting you down as you transition to adulthood. I know some kids do this naturally and I guess I hoped you would. Anyway, it’s all changing now. These are the new household rules. I’m not debating any of them, you are free to move out at any time. And STOP doing anything for him. He’s healthy and able and it’s clearly doing him no favours.

agonyauntie2020 · 08/02/2020 21:15

I really feel for you and I got a bit cross when one of the PP's said YABU for slapping him over a dish. Obviously you weren't slapping him over the dish but over the gaslighting and the long build-up of bad behavior towards you, disrespect etc. I know you already know YABU for slapping, and YANBU for having the feelings you had - they are legitimate and I hope you can sit down with him and explain these two things.

Also, I might not let him live in lovely house rent free and have all chores done for him if he is not grateful...

CheddarGorgeous · 08/02/2020 21:16

They don't suddenly grow up overnight. You teach them respect and responsibility as they grow up. Give them chores, let them suffer the natural consequences of poor behaviour and choices. Did you ever do any of that?

Original poster
Maskedsinger · 08/02/2020 21:17

His dad is around and I suppose you could say I also have a DH problem. He’s never been able to do wrong in DH’s eyes, even tonight DH was able to find a way to sympathise with him, not to his face but when he was talking to me about it.

I’m sure DS knows that DH ‘has his back’ as it were. If DS is openly rude to me then DH will pull him up on it. He turns a blind eye to general hostility though as I think he often feels himself I am ‘annoying’ and therefore thinks DS is entitled to feel that way too.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 08/02/2020 21:17

I’m not going to criticise you for hitting him. You know it wasn’t right and I think you’re probably going to make yourself feel worse than anyone on here could make you feel.

Having said that, I think you’ve got to accept the fact that you’ve not helped yourself here. He was always the bright, successful kid - we heaped praise on him, he could never do wrong. Then knuckling down at school came and he messed up his A levels as he refused to do any work - he thought they would be as easy as his GCSE’s. Well of course he did, you spent ages making him think he was amazing and could achieve anything he wanted without working for it. And now you’re letting him live rent free and doing everything for him.

More to the point, you sound like you’re dealing with his behaviour on your own. Where’s your DH in this?

Upupandiwent · 08/02/2020 21:21

Op your post really resonated with me. Up until fairly recently my 21 year old son was also like this. Very similar behaviour. I've done everything to stand up to him and tell him how he should behave; that it's not acceptable etc. My other son has been nothing like this at all. Both brought up in the same way, same family values and treatment etc. It's just that the younger one has needed more parenting and always been a bit more challenging.
I started to use language to shock him a couple of years ago, telling him he was verbally abusing me. I made him leave and stay with his dad a couple of times, even though doing it really upset me. He's 21 now and seems to be settling down. He's become much more thoughtful and kind to me. I feel like we've turned a corner.
Speak to him when you are both calm and set down some rules. Be firm. And don't give him an inch. He him how much this is affecting you.

pallisers · 08/02/2020 21:21

Why would someone grow out of behaviour when no one has ever told them it is wrong? You ignored bad behaviour. why would this kid think then that there is anything bad about bad behaviour? It isn't rocket science, you have to make sure your children know your values and how you expect them to behave. You don't have to punish or come down hard on them but neither do you have to tolerate it. No one - no one at all would call me a liar in my own home and tell me I was losing it. Unfortunately ignoring him was not a good idea.

You need to sit with his father and discuss this and come up with a plan and communicate it to him. What expectations you have about behaviour/language/attitude. he isn't going to "grow out of" anything unless you help him to do it. I suppose he could still bugger off out of your house and that is that - don't envy his future partner.

And apologise for the slap.

Wolfiefan · 08/02/2020 21:23

They don’t grow out of it. Confused it’s your job as a parent to teach them how to behave and not to let them get away with bad behaviour.
Hitting your teen son won’t accomplish that.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 08/02/2020 21:23

You say he has always had everything done for him, and that you always heaped praise in him.... then you wonder he is entitled Confused and hit him Hmm

Helini · 08/02/2020 21:24

Apologise again and say this is a bigger apology, because for years I’ve been letting you down as you transition to adulthood. I know some kids do this naturally and I guess I hoped you would. Anyway, it’s all changing now. These are the new household rules. I’m not debating any of them, you are free to move out at any time. And STOP doing anything for him. He’s healthy and able and it’s clearly doing him no favours

This

timeisnotaline · 08/02/2020 21:24

Op, can you start talking about the new rules (and if your dh doesn’t pull his weight some of these rules should bloody well go for him too from the sounds of it. It’s so much easier to let someone thinking you are annoying roll off you when you aren’t also picking up their underwear and cleaning their toilet.
Is there a cleaner? Is there a bathroom you can call ds’s and stop looking after? Put a lock on the door, tell him cleaning it is his problem and say if it gets filthy it’s being locked until he pays for a cleaner and if that’s a few days it’s move out time. If dh gets on with him better maybe he should give him the crash course in how to clean a bathroom?
Laundry- separate basket. Don’t touch it.
Buy bin bags. Dump his crap in it and tip it into his bedroom. Designate a kitchen cupboard and a fridge shelf for him. Plan on having almost no food at home for you for the next few weeks. Cook small servings and eat them all/ take the leftovers to work. Put a tub in the kitchen for his dishes.
Do not hesitate to kick him out. Tell dh this is what’s happening, you won’t live with being treated like this by an adult.
If he complains point out you haven’t asked him to pay rent, you are being an exceptionally loving parent trying to turn him into a functioning adult. When an adult woman he likes doesn’t run screaming from the reality of a relationship with him he can come back and thank you.

catnidge · 08/02/2020 21:25

Well now you've taught him thay hitting someone when they wind you up is OK. Teenage brains are still developing, you are the adult. Next time walk away rather than get into some kind of slanging match.

You could probably both benefit from some boundary setting. Is there anyone that could mediate between the pair of you.

Teateaandmoretea · 08/02/2020 21:25

He wouldn't be living rent free in my house ....

Lagrime · 08/02/2020 21:29

he became rude and sullen as soon as he realised he wasn’t able to lay in bed and play his PlayStation 24/7

How old was he when he realised this, OP?

My DS wanted to do that when he was 13, but I gave him a reality check pretty sharpish.