To ask when adult teenage men / boys stop being entitled shits?

[Maskedsinger]

To my shame I have just spectacularly lost my shit with DS 19 and slapped him. It’s been a long time coming, he’s treated me like a piece of dirt on his shoe for probably the last 2-3 years. He’s had a lovely, stable upbringing, never wanted for anything - both emotional and material. Unfortunately he seems to have turned into an entitled, rude and dismissive young man who has no time for me at all unless he needs something.

He won’t look at me when I talk to him, he doesn’t listen - tonight’s row was because I’d left him a very simple instruction to put something extra in the oven for a further 10 minutes when the timer went off but instead he took all the food out.

No biggie really but he will argue white is black that I told him to do that. He laughed at me as I got increasingly upset, said I was lying and that I am a liar - you are crying because you know you are wrong etc. I know what I said and it wasn’t that. He will not take responsibility for his mistake (never has been able to say sorry very easily).
I completely lost my rag and slapped him and now I feel awful. Please tell me they grow out of this, he has everything done for him, lives in a beautiful home rent free as we are trying to allow him to save his apprenticeship salary.

Thinking about things this attitude should have been nipped in the bud much sooner, I don’t know whether to apologise as I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but I don’t want him thinking he can speak to me like shit and get away with it.

YWBU to have slapped him. It'll be hard to come back from that and he'll likely use it in many an argument in the future.
How on earth does anyone laugh at their mother when they are upset though - I don't understand this. He sounds like an utter wanker OP, sorry. Does he speak to other people in the same way? Partners? Does he watch degrading porn? Where is the insulting and disrespect coming from? It's a very odd response to laugh when a loved one, a mother especially, is upset.

@Blackberrybunnet
I can't believe you slapped a 19 yr old MAN. That he didn't return the complement speaks volumes for his self restraint. You are to blame for his behaviour, so deal with it in a grown up way
The 19 yr old MAN is also responsible for his own shitty behaviour - you can't point out that he's a man and then make out the OP owns his behaviour - and who the fuck laughs at their mom when they're obviously upset?!!

Feeling your pain OP. My DS, and actually my DP, were quite similar. Can’t quite remember if I ever gave DS a slap, but I certainly wanted to. And DH was always the doting parent refusing to back me up.

Have to say DS improved markedly when he went off to uni (scraped in to foundation course due to shit A levels). He did fine at uni and now in his mid twenties is a very nice man.

I’ve also accepted that DH is actually better at this parenting lark than me; his gentle approach gets better results in the end. I think it’s my anxiety about the kids that makes me a bit crazy with them; DH is just quietly confident that things will work out.

DH came home from during right after the row. I explained what had happened and DH summoned DS downstairs to sort things out.
DH then takes the high ground and sulks all evening and refuses to eat the meal I made anyway so I’ve binned it now.

@Maskedsinger

What did DH do / say to DS? What / How did he sulk?

I agree with PPs that you need to first have a talk with DH and present DS with a united front. Stop doing everything for DS and set rules / expectations for the house. DS is an adult legally so start treating him like one - make him responsible for some meals (purchasing the groceries and cooking) as well as some chores. He will have no reason to take responsibility for his life if you are constantly doing everything.

Also, why did you bin the food? Couldn't you have wrapped and saved it for tomorrow (A bit off topic, but I hate food waste).

He is angry that his life is not the easy worry free existence that it's been for the last 19 years. He has to grow up but doesn't see why he should

I would distance myself from him and DH for a while - you are organising the evening meal then they are not doing their bit. Just sort your own meals and they can do theirs. It probably means that the kitchen is a mess but you can live with that for a few years until he leaves home can't you?

Letting him wind you up like that is not good. He is deliberately doing it and you are going along with it. He is really a man now - though an immature one. You need to accept that he and DH are not who you hoped to be stuck with but it is what it is. Just leave them be.

You've been kissing his ass for years and then you wonder why he's an entitled shit? You're not blameless in this, you brought him up the way you did, making him think he's fucking awesome when in actual fact he isn't and he's now very angry because he's realised rather late that the good life requires some effort on his part and bombing his A Levels hasn't helped.

You were wrong to slap him and I think that you need to look at your own part in all of this, particularly at his upbringing.

You should be a busy happy woman with a full life. I often wonder if, in our attempts to make our DCs lives easier, we end up looking like needy skivvies as we take on the cleaning etc rush around to make others ' lives easier and end up grumpy and angry.
No wonder there is little respect, the DFs seem to get more respect for doing much less.
I would concentrate on your life, make it your job to look busy happy and fulfilled (mainly outside of the home rather than happy to clean the floor) and let them live their lives.

Your DH behaviour is shocking.
Will you have a meal together tomorrow?
Calmy bring up how you are implementing a job rota. Rota your ds to prepare a meal once a week and do some general duties where it won't send you through the roof if they are not done.
Cobsequences for all if jobs not done to show you are fair. Remove PS from DS room when he is out, if he has not done his jobs until the jobs are done. Continue until message sinks in.
If he doesn't prep the meal just take yourself out and leave DS and DH behind, go and have a pizza somewhere on your own.
Do not lose your rag, walk away every time you feel this beginning to happen.
Tell you DH that you need to be far more united in dealing with ds and teaching him life skills

@TomPinch he’s bloody 19 so both

Honestly my youngest brother could and can be a horrible little shit like that. We’ve all had the same up bringing but me and middle brother are nicer.

More people will have better advice at dealing with teenagers, however my Mum works with a lot of late teens/early 20’s both male and female and she says there’s a serious problem with a large amount of them being nightmares, much more than in previous years (she’s done her job 15 years). They have trouble with recruitment as they’re always having to let people go. One female has just been let go because she tutted at and shoved past a customer. She was the same age as your son I believe.

I would suggest that you get some counselling support to help you build boundaries and set expectations with DS, also to help with your relationship with DH and to manage your own emotions.

How did things work at home when you were growing up yourself?

Tell him it’s time to move out and give him a months notice

OP your situation feels so familiar to mine 3 years ago. Down to the doting tolerant attitude of your DH to his son, but without the doting tolerance being extended to you. You being positioned as the bad parent every time as you're the only parent trying to set boundaries and responsibilities. Then you make it worse because you've now set yourself up to be labels as the angry, out of control, person while the two men are rational and non violent - so much better than you.

It's a horrendous dynamic that will throttle your sense of self. And then you add your guilt and shame to the mix which makes finding the adult calm assertive response to their behaviour all the more difficult.

I ended up going on an anger management course. It was useful and very good. Because it taught me I have legitimate needs, and those included for love and respect. So while I came home calmer, I also came home clearer about what I would and would not tolerate.

The end of my story is sad though as I left the family home and my DS does not speak to me at all now. I have of course sought and will continue to seek a rapprochement and have owned my failings which are many. I have a far far better relationship with my DP now and he is actually seeing and telling me that he wishes he had stepped up earlier and set boundaries and expectations to our DS earlier and wished he had supported me when I tried - and failed - to do so. Our DD is a young adult too and is loving responsible and respectful. So I do also think that young men have particular challenges in our society.

Anyway, what I'm saying I think, is don't grovel about the slap. Own your needs. Tell your DS that you lost control, you regret and are sorry for that. That it won't happen again because you will not allow yourself and him to get into that situation again and that means you will be clearer about what you expect from him. And that you won't accept his rudeness etc. A short, clear conversation- don't get dragged into him revelling in you being wrong. Good luck. It's a horrible situation

I am surprised he didn't have you arrested for assault

I find your behaviour and your post title offensive and sexist. My teenage sons aren't 'entitled shits' as you so horribly put it. Look at yourself fans your behaviour for clues as to where your son's attitude comes from.

Nasty.

he’s always been such a good kid and we’ve never disciplined in a heavy handed way but he became rude and sullen as soon as he realised he wasn’t able to lay in bed and play his PlayStation 24/7.

To me this reads as 'we let him get away with a lot as long as it didnt directly impact us. Now it impacts us, I wont have it and slapped him'

I wonder how many people didnt agree that your son was 'such a good kid'.

I think discipline and respect starts at a very young age, and to an extent that ship has sailed.

I find it interesting that the op said they ignored bad behaviour and praised the good. I would never ignore my child's bad behaviour. Yes there is no need to dwell on it but I absolutely admonish my children.

I would apologise for the slap, set out some ground rules and then try to spend sometime with him.

Perhaps ditch the pair of them. I don't condone the slap, but can understand how the sheer frustration might make you do it. Let your husband have custody.

don't grovel about the slap. Own your needs. Tell your DS that you lost control, you regret and are sorry for that. That it won't happen again because you will not allow yourself and him to get into that situation again and that means you will be clearer about what you expect from him. And that you won't accept his rudeness etc. A short, clear conversation- don't get dragged into him revelling in you being wrong. Good luck. It's a horrible situation

I think this is spot on.

It sounds like you have two emotionally abusive men in your life.
Your DS is a product of your DH.
God help his future partner

So his parents decided to teach him that he’s amazing, always right, never wrong and his parents actively chose to ignore his wrong doings.

He is behaving exactly how you both taught him to behave.

Let your husband have custody

The lad is 19!

So, OP, you have been pushed and pushed for years and you finally snapped.

Yes, apologise for doing so, but also tell him he seriously needs to sort himself out. Don't continue to ignore the bad behaviour, pull him up on it every time. If he doesn't look at you when he's speaking to you, insist he does.

Realistically your not going to go to councillor for leave the family home, or throw him out, so you need to find a way to live together as adults.

Point out to him he's an adult now, and while your happy to "keep" him for now, he does need to have some sort of long term plan.

I guess your DH wouldn't want to charge him rent, and in that case he needs to start behaving like an adult in the way he speaks to you and helps around the house.

He may or may not grow out of this. He may or may not

He be like this because of your parenting (it's hard to tell unless you have other DC the same age) but he can't carry on like this for much longer I'm because you've reached the end of your tether. You will need to point this out to your DH and DS though, other wise they will just think you are acting crazy over nothing.

I can see how it seemed last night your DH was taking the moral high ground, but you did slap your DS. How would you have reacted if you'd come home and one of them had slapped the other?

My DS was an absolute twat from 18 to 24. Not so much with me because I have the stronger personality but with his stepfather who was a weak person, he was vile to him.
He is 40 now and has long got over this and is back to his normal lovely self.
He is quite cagey about that period in his life and won't talk about it.

I wouldnt side or present a united front if my partner slapped someone, especially one of my kids.

Theres clear differences between the parenting style between OP and her dh. However the dh is continuing how they have always done. OP has now decided that his poor behaviour impacts her, she is now going to do something.

Her wanting to change it doesnt mean the dh will automatically do it or agree.

It sounds like he has been formed by being overly doted on and not learning his responsibilities, added in DH's attitudes.

You can't rewrite the past. What matters now is setting boundaries, and that needs DH on side. Without his support, the three of you will not be happily living under the same roof.

Independence with personal responsibility tends to be the best cure for getting young people to catch up with the adult world. What you don't want for him is to straight away get his feet under the table with a young woman and find out in a few years that she's posting on AIBU because the man-child father of her baby won't get off his PS and change a nappy.

Only in the mumsnet universe is a 19 year old man not an adult
He needs to step up.
He lives by your house rules or he gets out.