To ask when adult teenage men / boys stop being entitled shits?

[Maskedsinger]

To my shame I have just spectacularly lost my shit with DS 19 and slapped him. It’s been a long time coming, he’s treated me like a piece of dirt on his shoe for probably the last 2-3 years. He’s had a lovely, stable upbringing, never wanted for anything - both emotional and material. Unfortunately he seems to have turned into an entitled, rude and dismissive young man who has no time for me at all unless he needs something.

He won’t look at me when I talk to him, he doesn’t listen - tonight’s row was because I’d left him a very simple instruction to put something extra in the oven for a further 10 minutes when the timer went off but instead he took all the food out.

No biggie really but he will argue white is black that I told him to do that. He laughed at me as I got increasingly upset, said I was lying and that I am a liar - you are crying because you know you are wrong etc. I know what I said and it wasn’t that. He will not take responsibility for his mistake (never has been able to say sorry very easily).
I completely lost my rag and slapped him and now I feel awful. Please tell me they grow out of this, he has everything done for him, lives in a beautiful home rent free as we are trying to allow him to save his apprenticeship salary.

Thinking about things this attitude should have been nipped in the bud much sooner, I don’t know whether to apologise as I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but I don’t want him thinking he can speak to me like shit and get away with it.

In the heat of the moment it can be very easy to think that his behaviour caused you to lash out.
That's not disciplining a child, that's you getting wound up by an adult and lashing out.
It seems more like he's being an independent adult and so are you and your both clashing heads.
Some space from each other sounds the best option. Perhaps you could arrange for him or you to visit family for a few days.
When you're together again you can then revisit the discussion with a level head and decide whether he's outgrown the family home and needs to move out or if you can manage to live together until he's finished his studies.

He has had everything he wanted, he lives rent free, always been told he's amazing and now you wonder why he's a bit lazy and shit?

You reap what you sow sometimes.

My mum slapped me when I was about 17, I still haven't forgiven her at almost 40.

YABVU

I can't believe you slapped him. If it was a dad slapping his dd and calling her the names in the thread title, would so many posters be behind him?
You have to look at why you think your son is so entitled. And take responsibility for it.

I put YABU because you simply have no right to go and slap another adult.

Your son has everything done for him. He gets everything for free. He has never worked for anything or achieved anything (aside for gaining an apprenticeship which is great).
Your husband is not only enabling this, he expects this. You have a 2:1 split within the household.
Granted, this situation has developed over a number of years and should not have been allowed to, but it needs addressing now. No idea if the lack of respect is simply to you or with regards to the role of women generally. You can't really blame the boy - that is what his life experience tells him.
I think he heeds his eyes opening before implementing change. He needs to see how his friends live, how people graft to achieve their goals, how people work together to lighten the load, how a family is a team and no one is there to serve the others.
After that, you need to stop waiting on him. Maybe gradually or maybe cold turkey. Can he cook? Wash his own clothes? Vacuum? Mop?
I think he needs to achieve something too. Does he do sports or hobbies? What about work? Is there something he could work towards and receive recognition for?
He sounds like a spoilt brat. Hopefully this is simply a time of learning for him and this time next year will be very different to you all.
Lastly, I think you need a serious, calm discussion with your husband. You are equal partners abs equal parents. Doesn't sound like you're living that way

You've already said you know the slapping was wrong, I don't think you need a load of sanctimonious mumsnetters rubbing it in.
I know how incredibly frustrating it can be dealing with a teenager who doesn't want to grow up, who is, in fact scared of the grown up world. He should not be talking to you like that, and you can't accept that attitude in your own home.
So, firstly apologize for losing it, show that adults can do something wrong, and genuinely feel remorse and admit it.
In a separate discussion, praise him for stepping up and getting the apprentice ship, that can't have been easy. He's had to change his view of hinself, messing up his exams will have been a big hit to his self confidence, even if he doesn't admit it.
Start asking him to contribute to household expenses. He's presumably getting about £800 a m month? So he could pay £100 without too much struggle. It will give him the message that the world doesn't owe him a living.

My DS is 19 and has his moments of being grumpy and obnoxious, but he's getting better. He is having to deal with a lot because his dad died a year ago (and he was his carer) so I cut him some slack, but he is so protective of me - he had an argument with someone who was disrespecting me and was really angry about this man's attitude. I think it's a natural teenage phase, some mature earlier than others but the way I look at it is that he has to keep up appearances at work and with his friends that he's fine, if he comes home where he feels safe and is having a bad day, I can write it off. As long as he apologises and doesn't cross the line, I can usually robustly debate things with him and he doesn't kick off too much.

I'd never hit him and he would never raise a hand to me (or anyone else) - the minute you do you have lost the argument.

I wouldn't feel bad about slapping him. It sounds like it had been a long time coming.

It's also not too late to start consequences. He he is acting like a child then start treating him like one.

Don't cook for him. Don't do laundry. Don't tidy any dishes he leaves around. Switch off the wifi.

Actions have consequences - even adults at work abide by this.

If it was a father slapping his daughter it wouldn't be the same situation because it would be a man slapping a young woman, not a woman slapping a young man (who I presume is much bigger than his mum!)
Slapping is obvs not good, but mainly because it just escalates shit and itsnot good to lose control.
As for people saying he should have you done for assault..get a grip! The police have real stuff to deal with don't encourage wasting their time. This place sometimes, Jesus!
Op, probably you have done too much for him, definitely your husband and you should've been on the same side, and it sounds like he undermines you. Young men will treat women how they see other men treating their mothers in my opinion.
I'm not sure what you do about that.
For right now, draw alone under it, DON'T get into arguing with an immature teensger. Doesn't matter if you know you are right, it doesn't matter if he will or won't admit it. Protect your sanity. Put some rules in place and a timeframe of what you expect and be prepared to stick to it.
I'm sorry you are going thru this. It's easy for strangers to be all sanctimonious about others parenting isn't it? I will only say this: I have several siblings and and one of us was like this. You can parent 6 kids the same and they all turn out different because different kids need different sorts of parenting.

Slapping anyone is unacceptable. You were in the wrong and I am glad you have apologised.

The disrespect is a separate issue and needs to be dealt with immediately.

Entitled to what?

I've not had your experience but I wouldn't be happy about it. However I would just stop doing so much for him and leave him to get on with it. Your son obviously takes you for granted, grown up children do that sometimes, girls as well as boys, but at your son's age he needs to learn it's not on.

It won't hurt him to do a bit for himself and to control what he says to you. He's a grown man, doesn't have to live with parents any more - if he was in a bedsit or flat share, h'ed have to do his own stuff.

Does your husband say anything to him?

Siring: "I made the mistake of thinking that hitting somebody who is no physical threat to you and hitting someone who is no physical threat to you are similar."

They are, aren't they? I've read three times and it seems as though you are saying the same thing.

My mum slapped me when I was about 17, I still haven't forgiven her at almost 40.

My mum slapped me plenty of times, but the biggest and hardest slap came at age 18.

I’m 39 now and forgave her 21 years ago. My mother made mistakes with me, but I’m not going to hold them against her for a lifetime.

The op has just slapped her son out of emotion. Not great, but he will forgive her. Perhaps next time, he’ll think twice before acting like a jerk.

They never grow out of it

Op, please remember we are only human. You are only human and will
Make mistakes. Your son is only human and will also make mistakes. You’ve apologised for yours, now he needs to apologise for his.

I wonder if someone at work really winds op up, she slaps them too?

And I wonder if people would be telling her 'ah its one of those things'.

@DBML Not your job to tell people what they should and shouldn't forgive really.

If someone at work was abusive to me for years and laughed in my face when I got upset yeah I might well end up slapping them.

Op cut yourself some slack. Sit down and tell him why you lost it, acknowledge you shouldn’t have but we are all human. Explain how his behaviour isn’t acceptable. He may listen, he may not.

@LoveIsLovely

Great thing being free to have an opinion on something though.

Where did your DS learn to talk to you so rudely, and to treat you in such a disrespectful manner? I'd lay a bet that your DH is the problem here.

You also need to apologise to your son, and set some rules about him living in your house. If he doesn't like the rules, he has to leave.

IfNot

So domestic violence is OK if a women is sLapping her DH?

IfNot (again)

Would you expect to keep your job?

What if you wind other people up at work?

so next time write down the instructions. Photograph them and send them to his phone too.

But really what stood out for me in this thread was that "thing about when they're small you ignore bad behaviour and praise good" Is this really a thing? it explains a lot about other people's children, if so.

Now he's an adult and working you all need to work out (like other PP) how you're all going to live together. As in: take turns with chores like cooking & cleaning, and everyone taking care of their own washing.

Make him pay rent, too.

I think ignoring bad behaviour and praising the good is a technique for when parents are in a downward spiral and the child gets attention for poor behaviour (is told off) but the food behaviour seems to go unnoticed, so guess what...the child misbehaves and gets a reaction and the parent and child don't have a good relationship.

I haven't explained it very well, but it's not my way of parenting. If my kids do something they shouldn't I pull them up on it, but I also try to praise them lots. I heard you're supposed to say 5 positive things for every negative, but I reckon with my kids it's probably 50/50.

Kids do need to know poor behaviour has consequences. If this lad hasn't learned that already he needs to start learning now. In this case it shouldn't have been a slap around the face, the OP already knows that. But holding tight and hoping he turns into a lovely human being in a couple of years without being told how rude he is probably isn't the right thing either.