Awkward about CFer requests

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Basically, how do you deal with favour requests that you just don't want to do without coming across as a tight ass?

Now I know these are CF requests and I shouldn't need to do them at all, but how can I say no every single without just coming out and saying, no. I don't want to. Especially as there are some extenuating circumstances.

Upstairs neighbour died quickly of cancer 6 months ago leaving wife and teen DD. I of course offered my help in the last stages, driving them to see him at the hospital, looking after their cat for days while they stayed with him and driving the DD to her work on occasion and afterwards I offered help in a "if you need anything let me know" sympathetic way. Unfortunately they've really taken me up on it! The DD(19) and mom keep expecting lifts everywhere! Like to the shops for example because dad was the driver and now they're without personal transport. Not just a simple "if you're going to the shop let me know" type, no. It's knocking on my door asking me to get up off my couch, stick my shoes and coat on, put my cuppa down and meet them at my car to drive them 350 meters to the Costcutter so they can pick up a loaf, milk, cat food and their cigs!".
My couch faces my floor to ceiling window so even with blinds, you can see me sitting there doing nothing but watching telly. And you can see my car in the car park outside my gate so it's obvious I'm in and likely not doing anything. I can't rearrange my furniture and can't keep my curtains pulled.

They'll phone and message me in an "emergency" to drive 25 minutes there and 25 minutes back to the nearest town because they "missed the bus" and need picking up. Or call first thing to say they're stuck and in desperate need of a lift to an appointment in town and there's no bus that will get them there (true in our area if they don't bother to catch the early bus).

One time it happened I conceded but said no way can I come back for pick up from the dentists as I have X to do and won't be in and she needs to get the bus or taxi back. An hour later my phone blows up and the DD knocks on my door saying mom is stuck because her "lift fell through." It didn't. I was always the lift and she never had bus or taxi money.

Now I really, really don't want to fall out with them because other than that they're great neighbours in our block of flats but I need a more solid list of excuses. I refuse to take petrol money because the second I do, it's a service paid and I don't want them thinking I owe them X rides as they've paid.

They do me favours too but it's definitely a 90/10 split with most coming from my end because I'm probably in a better situation than them. (Ie they'd borrow milk but I wouldn't want or need to ever do that). I'm expecting to be living here for at least another 20 years so good neighbour relations are a must, plus the fact they watch my dog when I need to go visit my dying mom (I can't afford a dog sitter as we're limited income and I need to save for the flights to see her as often as possible as she's terminal)

So go on. Roast me for being too darn soft and too Britishly polite to say, "That doesn't work for me". But what would you do? Really? And not in a "hard as nails, take no shit but only online behind a screen kinda way? I need to wean them off expecting me to ferry them around.

Dog sitting is maybe a few times a year, maybe a week and a couple of weekends. Nothing huge but their help is invaluable. I don't really have anyone else who can do it and definitely can't afford a paid sitter. As they're only upstairs it's just a case of popping in a few times a day and a quick walkies (dog is elderly so can't walk far or for long.)

And they really are nice people. Just a little clueless about what's an acceptable favour to ask. I'll do as suggested. Pick certain times for shop trips and decline the rest.

Dog sitters are £20 a day

You probably spend more on lifts and wear and tear

I would perhaps buy a tubigrip type bandage and a cheap walking stick (you can get the fold up type for about £10 in a pharmacy) and tell them you've had a pretty bad ankle injury, and you've to stay off your feet as much as possible, with absolutely no driving, "so gosh knows how you will manage with your new found restricted abilities" if you can't drive for yourself, then you automatically can't drive for them either! And if they do manage to get to the shops themselves and pick you a few bits up, fantastic, consider it compensation for them being CF's for such a long time...

I'd be inclined to chat lightly with them "So pleased I was able to help, obviously this can't continue indefinitely, here is info about the local community car scheme. Great to see you're getting your independence back." Play it as if they are already agreeing, you're just the first to voice it.

I’d be worried that when you’re visiting your mum (so sorry she’s ill) your dog might not be getting the small daily walk he/she needs anyway - if they’re not willing to walk 350 yards to a corner shop or a bus stop why would they go out to walk your dog? It’s a horrible cynical thought to have but one to bear in mind given their aversion to walking... plus with all the petrol you’ll save not being their taxi that could go towards a kennel maybe? Wishing you luck!

@Binglebong (2 comments up) has a great suggestion but I'd go with bus routes, not community car service.

Awkward situation but you can't allow it to continue.

1 week plus 2 weekends, that's feeding and walking your dog 11 x 4 times @ 30 minutes, i.e. 22 hours a year. Earlier you said the ratio is 90/10, but are you really giving them rides early 200 hours per year (over half an hour a day...)?

Looking at it another way, dog sitters charge up to £30 per day. 22 x £30 = £660! So I'm wondering whether you are really an awful lot 'out of pocket', particularly if you were to stop the runs to nearby shops and bus stops, which shouldn't be too difficult.

Maybe also be proactive ("I'm going to Tesco tomorrow morning - would you like to come along or can I get you anything), as well as a bit firmer ("I'm afraid I can't right now, but I could perhaps do it on Thursday"), and just not respond when a call is likely to be a 'CF emergency'.

I just fear that if you give too many insincere sounding excuses you might ultimately find yourself without a free dogsitter...

Some good advice here. One thing I will say though, if you do offer to pick stuff for them the next time you're in the shop etc, try not to fall into that trap of basically buying and paying for their shopping! I used to have a housemate who'd often ask for little bits from the shop if I was going, and she would never offer any money towards it. I found it incredibly awkward to ask, especially if it was just say £1 for a loaf of bread etc (and it really does start to add up if it is happening frequently).

You say you are a SAHM. Does that mean you are having to get children into coats and take them with you each time? Or do you have an OH who can intervene? Maybe you can become 'unwell' and he can say you are unavailable when they come calling.

www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Not-Giving-Spending/dp/0316270725?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This has some great tips.

Because you dont want fall out with them why dont you explain what you will do e.g. take you shopping with me on Saturdays. But not after work in the week because I'm tired. Explain that you cant keep picking them up from the bus stop because its walkable.

Maybe it's just me... but I can't imagine even once picking someone up 350 yards away. I would think it was a joke and would say that!

I would just say no and expect to lose their friendship.

I think you need to find alternative dog sitters then you can reasonably make excuses.
Tbh, if they come to the door just let the dog bark. You don't have to answer the door.
And tbh you either send a text ending lifts or block them. I wouldn't worry about upsetting them, they will be upset because they're not getting their own way.

"Dcfn just to let you know I won't be able to give you lifts anymore, I was happy to help initially but it's become a burden recently. Let me know if I can recommend a driving instructor or local taxi number."

Either move house or sell the car

Seriously, though, your priority should be to make alternative dog sitting arrangements. Free dog sitting is a pretty massive favour, even if it's just for a week plus a couple of weekends a year, so you need to stop relying on them for that if you want to put a stop to the lifts.
Do not offer to pick up stuff for them when you go shopping unless you can afford to never see your money back.

Start putting a half full bottle of wine and a wine glassnext to your sofa, when they ask for a lift, simply say not sorry I've had a drink' might not wash at 7am, but from teatime week days and lunchtime weekends it'll be fine

I’d say no but offer to take them to eg supermarket at a time that suits you. So as someone mentioned above “no I’m not planning on going today but will be heading there at 830 tomorrow. We can go then”. So you’re not flat out refusing but you’re making it work for you.

Or just say no. That doesn’t work for me.

Suggest they food shop online.

I'm another one who is cynical about whether the dog is getting walked when you're gone. I just can't imagine someone who objects to walking 350m happily taking a dog for a walk

I would try sites like borrow my doggy as a starting point.

I know it's not the point of the thread, but are you really leaving your dog alone in the house and relying on people to just 'pop in a couple of times a day' for up to a week? That doesn't sound at all fair on the dog.

Your neighbours are CFs though. Just say no.

@FlowerArranger I have never said lifts were the only thing I do for them. I'm not going into exactly what it is I do because this is outing enough, but it's not just lifts. Let's just say I hold a key for their flat and do have to use it at least weekly, often more. They also have a cat which gets watched a lot.
Weighing up cost vs saving on dog sitters costs isn't the issue. (It's popping in a couple of times a day letting my elderly dog into the garden and maybe a short walk to the field behind the flats. They don't charge pet sitter prices). Takes 5 mins tops. The lengths and times of driving are not the issue. The expectation that I will drop everything and ferry people about when I don't even do that for my own children is.

To whoever asked if I need to leave kids, not always. Many requests are middle of the day when kids are at school. I also have a 16 year old who stays in the house when I go out and my D.C. aren't too young to need "watched". DH is sometimes here, some times he's not. Sometimes I'm away and he gets caught for favours.

Sadly my dog wants nothing more these days than to sit doing nothing all day. Long gone are the days of bounding around excited about walks. Now I get a look of "Oh FFS. Again?" When I get the lead out.

I do know it does get walked though because the neighbours adore my dog and the ring doorbell tells me every time the DD goes in and out.
They're not bone idle, just completely oblivious to what actually goes into driving. If they've had a big day shopping they don't want to do the last leg carrying the bags.

But anyway, yes. Thank you everyone. I will pull back more. Doing one driving request in 6 sounds like a good idea for weaning off the expectation I will drive them everywhere. The other favours I am happy to continue to do.

Why not just say you are really glad to have been able to help them following the death of their dad/dh but it really has become a but much for you now as you have a lot and as such they will need to make alternative arrangements.

Oh and I do think they are taking the piss!

Is there any way that you could make car option more inconvenient for them. For example, park further away for a while, send them down to de-ice before you get there, make a petrol detour during the trip, tell them you'll come in a bit, then wait for half an hour?